He pursued me, I fell for him. Things cooled off, but now he's interested again?

[xenomaniac]

God, what a mind****. I can't believe I am resorting to asking for dating advice online, but I wanted to seek objective feedback. Without revealing anything too specific, I will describe the situation I am experiencing with a man right now. To be honest, I've gone from thinking we were soulmates to thinking we were a one-night stand to thinking we were "friends" to now believing again that he's definitely still interested in me. But I have no idea what the next step is, and sadly, I do value the prospect enough to see how far we can go. I wish I didn't: I'm a notorious cynic and, to be blunt, I don't seek men to fulfill my sense of self-worth. I'm used to being pursued, but very few men attract my eye or capture my heart.

That changed in early December.

 

Long story short: someone I crossed paths with professionally invited me out to wine & dine with him after he returned home his trip (a few weeks down the road, right before the New Year). Our initial encounter in early December was very pleasant and we had a great time just talking casually. We had a lot in common right off the bat. I didn't instantly feel physically attracted to him, but I thought he was cool and I noticed he seemed attracted to me (and for once, it I welcomed it). He said he'd email me so we could set up our official "first date" (we didn't call it that immediately, but it was understood).

 

So the emails began. At first, they were just quick "how are you today? how's work? I did this etc." along with some more details about ourselves. But things escalated once we saw just how much we had in common. We started composing "letters" to each other each day and he began to say that he felt a really strong connection to me and that he couldn't believe just how many common links we shared, and that talking to me was becoming the highlight to each day! I, of course, was flattered and began to feel myself mirroring the attraction. We ended up telling each other a lot of personal stuff...he about his family & awkwardness with girlfriends, and how he hadn't had one in so long but was ready for a change. He said he couldn't wait to see me, to take me places, that he wanted to get to know my friends & family (he even chatted with one of my close friends online), etc. And of course, he kept hinting that I might be that person to awake him from his romantic coma. Without getting too boring, let's just say that by the time our actual "date" arrived, it was obvious we were both interested in one another beyond the platonic level, and yet it was an unspoken understanding until someone made the first literal move.

 

Anyway, on the day of the first date (I should note he took a twelve hour flight and still wanted me to be the person he saw that night! I would have just gone to bed), we met at an intimate wine bar and enjoyed an immediate connection and great dinner conversation. I was relieved that we communicated as easily in person as we did in email and I kept noticing he would look into my eyes and kind of blush (I've learned since, he's rather shy). The attraction was obvious. But we played it cool and moved onto another spot for post-dinner drinks. A few of his close friends stopped by and he introduced me to them. At this point, the conversation became a group discussion, but they were very interesting people, so I didn't mind (nor did I feel he was uncomfortable and needed them as back-up). Anyway, from there, we went to one other bar for a quick drink with his close friend and his GF. This is where things get hazy. We were sitting in the corner together and he began to cuddle with me, and I enjoyed it. He seemed to be opening up even more (the initial shyness was fading, thank alcohol I suppose?) and we seemed very comfortable in each other's arms. It was sublime. Then...I **** you not, I remember nothing.

 

Fast forward to 8am the next day. I wake up...in his bed. My pants are removed, but I'm dressed (underwear was on). I feel horrific. I panic. I think I had drunken sex, I think I've been taken advantage of, I think a lot of things. Mainly, I feel mortified (I've never blacked out in my life). He wakes up next to me and asks how I feel. I said, "What the hell happened?" And he says, "You don't remember? You got really sick out of nowhere. (His friend's GF) had to help you! And you couldn't move or walk, so I had to bring you here, of course."

I said "Oh my God. I've never blacked out, I swear. This is awful. I am so sorry, etc" and I asked why my pants were off. He said that they'd gotten wet in the bar's bathroom and he took them off before he laid me down.

I looked him in the eye and said:

"So nothing happened?"

And he swore it hadn't. I believe him, still. And he said that everyone had felt sick but that I had taken it harder than everyone else ("you're a lightweight"). I swore to him that it was shocking because I drunken harder before with no problem. I still am mystified.

 

Anyway, we just chatted for awhile after that and sort of laughed about a few things. Then he held me in his arms for awhile and we began to kiss. We ended up being intimate, but not sleeping together (neither of us had a condom) and despite the fact that I don't condone hooking up so early on usually, it felt right. And I don't regret it.

 

We left his place that morning and he said he wanted to take me to his friend's NYE's party and he'd let me know about the details later that day. Everything seemed to be fine (this, despite the evening's unfortunate ending). I went home feeling confident that it was NOT a one-night stand situation. Not when the pursuit was so multi-lateral, and not when he went out of his way to learn everything possible about me (and memorizing even the most trivial of details about my family, work, pet peeves, clothing items etc).

 

Things turned weird shortly after. He informed me he couldn't bring me to the party and that he wanted to hang out soon as long as I did and that we were on the same page. I asked what that meant. He said he found me very attractive, that he really enjoyed being with me, and that he thinks I'm a really intriguing person, but that he wanted me to know that he can't be in steady relationships because he's hung up on an ex (years later). He even said that he may date her again, even though it will probably end in disaster. He said he felt lonely, confused, and depressed after our date because he couldn't help but realize that the shadow of his ex still remained and would make moving on impossible. Of course I was shocked. Why should I have expected this? How dare he lead me on? Why put so much effort into getting to know me if it was going to end after one date? He said "We should at least be friends. It's the least I can offer". Here's the kicker. He added: "As long as it isn't awkward because of your feelings for me, and mine for no one right now!" Please.

After thinking about it, I said "you know, you had me confused. I felt a genuine connection, and I think you did, too, but if you are too confused to pursue me romantically right now, then I'd rather you be upfront about it. I hate ambiguity. But I'm not into burning bridges, so if you want to be friends, fine."

 

I told myself I'd move on. I started to, in fact.

But then...he starts approaching me again. We had a second rendezvous, but it was in a professional setting/event environment, so we were limited in our discussion. He gave me a big hug and we talked casually for awhile. I'd describe the vibe as cordial and friendly, but not more. I left that night thinking that "Well, that wasn't too bad, actually. Maybe the 'friendship' idea will work".

 

Then about a week later he randomly started texting me, always seeming friendly but implying that he wanted to see what I was doing that evening. I was busy. THEN the following weekend, he texts me again announcing his impressive plans for the evening and implying that he'd like to take me as his date. Again, I was (honestly) busy and told him to have a great time and that we would speak soon.

 

Okay. So then we encountered one another again last weekend. Another professional event, but with a party afterwards. This time was different. He enthusiastically embraced me and introduced me to his best friend. HAHA. Bad idea? His friend instantly is attracted to me and follows me throughout the event. We had a good discussion, but I was just being friendly. My would-be-SO however notices his friend's attraction and starts to up his game, making exaggerated conversation and trying to humor me and remind me of some of the things we discussed back when we "pre-dated" in December. Like I said, we get along very easily because we share almost identical tastes in everything. ANYWAY...

 

Later at the party, I arrive after he does and he spots me and gives me a surprisingly affectionate hug (the two parter -- the hug, then the intimate hug/and stroking around the waist along with an open-mouthed kiss, which I politely did not reciprocate). His friend is the audience. I see what's happening. He seems threatened by his friend's interest in me, but I'm not sure why he cares if he "feels nothing" for me. Anyway, all three of us talk, but my would-be-SO seems alternately awkward then desperate to get my attention. His friend won't stop talking about how attractive I am, etc (and I should note that HE has a girlfriend, so when he tried to kiss me, I told him to realize what he was doing, and he stopped). When I left the party, my would-be-SO gives me an even more dramatic hug and won't let go of me. He clings on and tries to kiss me again. I let him for a second, but then say "hey, we should catch up soon again" to keep it casual and he says "definitely". His eyes had that gleam they did when we first met. He also looked, dare I say it?, sad. Like he was longing for something inexpressable.

 

Sigh. WTF? I don't want to fall for him again, but I now sense that he DOES still have feelings for me but won't act upon them. I think he knows I don't want to be in a friends-with-benefits situation, but he has repeatedly said he can't be in a "real" relationship right now. Yet, apparently when someone new & exciting catches his eye, he briefly believes that he can. He ends up leading both himself & the girl on.

 

I KNOW that between his ex issues, his other sources of confusion, and his track record, that I should just run as far as I can. But unfortunately, I really feel something for him. Everyone admits that we are a perfect match physically and psychologically.

 

On the plus side: at least I can say that our journey didn't end after one date and that he obviously still has a lingering attraction. But that's small compensation when you consider what he hinted we COULD have together. we had so much promise...and there's still some part of me that thinks it could work eventually. Should we casually date? Should I approach HIM next? (I get the feeling that he is ambivalent on how to approach me now after he basically said a relationship couldn't happen.) And yes, it's hard to take him seriously, but I do feel there's something worth saving. Am I crazy for thinking so?

[Geishawhelk]

He's lining you up as a Fruck-buddy or FWB. (Friend 'with Benefits')

 

If this is what you want, keep going.

If you want more - because he probably won't give it) then get the hell out of there now.

 

And you blacking out?

 

I don't believe a word of it.

 

He's lying.

[xenomaniac]

I guess I really don't see why he'd want to get to know me so well if all he wants me for is sex. There's more to the story than I revealed initially...he started talking to members of my family and my close friends when we first went out. His enthusiasm was astounding. And yes, because of the "blackout incident", of course I considered the idea that he could have slipped me a roofie, but I checked for signs of penetration the next day & there were none (to be extra safe, I took Plan B anyway). He was fully dressed next to me. Oh, and my pants WERE wet (and not with urine). I don't think he lied to me (I didn't sense dishonesty on his end when he told me). I don't think he had devious intentions. I just think he's really confused and frustrated, but not a date rapist. I think he'd be distancing himself as far as possible from me if that had happened. I also asked his friend's GF the next day about what happened and she confirmed what he said happened in the club and said she felt terrible herself.

 

As far as the FWB situation...I think, like most guys, that he'd probably go for it, but since he knows that I will not, he's frustrated with how to approach me now, especially since asking for a relationship would make him seem hypocritical. He did say he was aiming to resolve his ex issues as soon as possible this year, but that until he did he didn't think he could be "boyfriend material" and that he hoped I understood what he meant and that he understood my confusion. I seem to make him nervous/uncomfortable now. Everyone who has witnessed us recently pretty much says that it's obvious he still is interested in me but has no idea how to go about doing something about it. Apparently, he's spoken very highly of me to his friends.

 

On the one hand, I know he sounds like a creep. But he's actually been very sweet to me, but I do sense he has some very deep scars that cause him to retreat from a woman he feels a deeper connection with. I definitely sense he wants to change, but I am not sure he'll do it for me, now.

[Goldstar]

Do not contact this guy. There are just too many red flags here. What's with the hot and cold behavior of his? That bit about wanting to take you to the party, then not. Sheesh, he is Mister Emotionally Unavailable and will never give you 100%. He will give you enough to keep you around, and the promise of more will keep you hooked, but you deserve so much more. You deserve 100% not 60% one day and 40% the next.

 

I just went through a similar situation with Miss Emotionally Unavailable myself and let me tell you, you are better off moving on.

 

I get the part about the quick bond, the gleem in his eye, the emotional connection. I really do and it is sad to tell you this guy cannot give you that all of the time. He can't. It's not you, it's his inability to attach.

 

This guy is not good long-term, FWB yes, but not good for a relationship.

 

And what is with him only wanting you when someone else did (his friend)...red flag.

[xenomaniac]

I agree, there's a ton of red flags. I should note, however, that going into this I never really sought after a relationship myself. I have not been actively seeking a committed relationship at all in recent months/years (in fact, I've been very self-oriented as my career is exciting right now). It's just that he came along...and suddenly, I was excited about a man, for once: my rules changed, my expectations changed, and I decided I wanted him in my life, even though I wasn't sure what "role" he would fill, or what role I would fill in his world.

 

That said, I do think that a FWB situation would be very unfulfilling, since we connect in so many ways beyond the physical. Our initial bond was based on our intellectual and creative compatibility.

It would cheapen our potential. And yet platonic friendship probably isn't an option since we do share a mutual physical attraction to each other. It's just all around and awkward and sort of unapproachable.

 

Oh - and I can't completely cut him off. We are part of the same media/social circle and run into each other constantly. We're bonded by professional circumstance, location, and social affiliations. Everyone I know says we are two romantic cynics who are fated for a long, torturous involvement with one another. It's almost soap opera-worthy.

 

In the mean time, nice, normal, and attractive guys are approaching me for dates and I have no interest because I now have my own "hang up" on a guy who can't get over his. Sigh.

[LoveLace]

I've been in a similar situation with almost exactly the same kind of feelings about everything. Exciting, breaking rules, yadda yadda. But I finally realized after 3 years of going back and forth just the way you are, that he was never going to change. I still miss him dearly and still haven't found a guy to measure up to the way he made me feel...but the sooner I would have admitted the obvious, the better it would have been for me in the long run. Kicking him out of my life was the hardest thing I had to do...and a year later I still have hard days if I think of him. But I know that someone better will come along eventually...unless FWB is okay with you, moving on from this madness and confusion is probably best...I'd tell him not to bother unless he's ready for the next level.

 

In the other light it's really weird if you blacked out without ever having this happen to you before. Especially since you clearly remember when you stopped remembering, that sounds like something with a quick onset, whatever it was...a guy doesn't have to penetrate to take advantage of you while you are blacked out with your pants down...I could be way off but it would bother me...

[xenomaniac]

Blacking out: it still bothers me and sometimes I wonder...

That said, it was probably the most I've ever drank in one night before, and I later learned that I made some fatal errors with what I mixed (half a bottle of red wine with dinner followed by powerful rum cocktails followed by a series of vodka mixed drinks...my BMI is very low and probably couldn't handle it: it snuck up on me). I do think I blacked out due to my own inability to pace myself, but I guess I will never be sure. I will say this: the man I speak of is sort of a well-known and esteemed media figure and the people who accompanied us at that bar were his long-time old friends and business associates. He'd be a bloody idiot to pull anything shady in front of them...or, frankly, to try to pull it on me. Without giving identities away, we are all members of the media.

 

LoveLace: I'm glad you can relate to my situation. My only "hope" is this: he says he really wants to change and sooner than later. He's indicated to me that his interest in me is distinct from his usual surface interest in women and that "our situation" is a bit removed from his more common, casual approach towards females. I guess there's just enough evidence there to make me think, "hey, maybe this worth holding out for...", but then I feel pessimistic and am afraid I'll end up his lovefool. I don't want to lose him, though, because I really do think that there's so much between us that WORKS BEAUTIFULLY. If we can get past the ex issues and his inconsistencies...we'd be an ideal match, really. I'm sure I have my own flaws to correct, too, but so far it's obvious that it is his demons, not mine, that are standing in our way.

 

One thing is for certain: no sex will occur between us until I witness continual signs of progress towards a more substantial future for us. I refuse to invest myself physically in a man that won't invest emotionally in me. Until then, if we "meet up", it will have to be as friends, as hard as it may be for both parties. If he really wants me, he'll have to up his game and soon.

[xenomaniac]

Ha. I love my friend's most recent advice: BE BOLD & DIRECT. SAY "I AM ****ING IN LOVE WITH YOU, *******." This actually worked for her. She's convinced men are completely unaware of subtleties and hints and nuances and need to have something thrown bold, brash, and indiscreetly right in their face. I am almost tempted to see what he would do. LOL!

[LoveLace]

I think what your friend said has truth to it...and if I could go back in time I wish I would have done the same sometimes. However, the guy I would have said that to, I now know probably wouldn't have deserved to hear such kind words; when I think of all the times he blew me off or something, which your friend has also done to you. If anything it would probably just blow up his ego. Telling him how you feel would only be just that; it wouldn't necessarily change his feelings at all. I know it's tempting, and you can do whatever you want to do, I just don't think it would change the situation much...if it does, let us know!

[Trialbyfire]

None of it matters beyond the fact that you can't fix him. You have two choices:

• Accept what little he has to offer solely on his terms.
  
• Walk and find someone who's emotionally available.
  

[Shygirl15]

Ha. I love my friend's most recent advice: BE BOLD & DIRECT. SAY "I AM ****ING IN LOVE WITH YOU, *******." This actually worked for her. She's convinced men are completely unaware of subtleties and hints and nuances and need to have something thrown bold, brash, and indiscreetly right in their face. I am almost tempted to see what he would do. LOL!

Oh, my gosh.

 

How lame. And desperate.

 

If a guy really, truly wants you he'll come straight to you; no subtleties or hints or nuances needed. No GF hang ups or shyness will stop him from pursuing you. I think your would-be SO's intention is to keep you around as a back-up plan, just incase things do not go well with his other woman. He doesn't have any strong desire to be with you, or for some reason, that desire is gone.

 

I personally would have erased him completely from my life on the day of that strange blackout incident. He sounds like a dangerous person to me..

[xenomaniac]

Everyone has a different take on this, given the odd dynamics and complexity of the situation. Some people say I should invest, some people say I should cut my losses and run, some people say I should settle for FWB. I guess what it comes down to is: what do *I* want? What relationship do I want with him?

 

The thing is, before I met him, I wasn't even looking for a relationship with anyone. But once I fell for him, I defaulted into expecting a gf/bf situation to develop between us, since he seemed to indicate he wanted that, too. Note that this doesn't mean I am looking for a man in my life in general right now. Just him. So, moving on from him to find someone better isn't a priority in the near future. I'm content to "be with no one" right now while keeping him in the back of my mind to see if he sorts his **** out. If I lose interest and move on before he does, fine. If he indicates no interest in me when I see him again, I will downgrade my expectations entirely. If someone else sweeps me off my feet in the mean time, I'll let nature take its course. But I'm not actively pursuing other males right now. He's the only one I have in mind.

 

As of now, I think he's still attracted and interested in me but feels terribly awkward and it seems he is waiting for me to make the next move. I realize his own issues are unresolved, but if there's a will to put the ghosts behind him, I'd like to help him do so or give him the opportunity to make things right. Instinctively, I feel that 95% of him is ready to move on but something holds him back, even now. I also think he probably does want a real gf sooner than later, but that old habits die hard and that attaching himself to a new person both excites and terrifies him. Again, if it seems worth my time, I can be patient with him.

 

My friend and I are coming up with ways to test the waters further...mainly to see if her very direct approach is a good idea or if my more cautious, strategic approach is a better method to feel him out.

[Shygirl15]

I am almost tempted to see what he would do. LOL!

Oh, please. You'll just embarrass yourself further, believe me.

[xenomaniac]

Oh, please. You'll just embarrass yourself further, believe me.

 

There's nothing to be embarrassed about yet,ha! As of now, he doesn't even know I am still attracted to him. He's on my mind, of course, but I haven't actively pursued him at all lately and he sees me talk to other males constantly. Externally, it appears I have entirely moved on, which is probably good. But at the same time, I don't want to overtly DISCOURAGE him from pursuing me. That would defeat the purpose!

 

Look, I have every intention of strategically placing the ball in his court. I admire my friend's pluck (and again, it did work for her!), but I won't follow suit. I never pursue, but I invite people to pursue me and it usually works.

 

On a broader note: while it's true that some guys will pursue a girl if they really want her, it is also true that people can become too awkward (especially after they complicate or screw up a situation) to really follow through. Sometimes they need encouragement or confirmation that resuming a pursuit won't be ill-advised or end in rejection.

 

And I do agree that he may regard me as an intriguing back-up option for now -- because he remains hung up on someone else -- it's obvious something about me really flusters him and makes him confused, which indicates a presence of deeper feelings. Indifference is one thing, but he's alternately avoidant and then clingy, but never unaware or entirely dismissive. His approach is inconsistent, his messages are unclear, yet my effect on him is hard to ignore. I'm not expecting years of misery and heartache to disappear immediately: that urge to patch things up with the ex is very hard to beat. But I've also seen the side of him that seems almost desperate to break free of his old patterns. I do think he wants a fresh start with someone new. But isn't quite ready yet. I can either resent that or I can choose to understand it and evaluate my own options, which I already discussed.