what can I do, ocd and issues

[Peter_pan]

Ok this is very long but i really need to get it all out and advice on my life story basically.

 

i have had ocd from since i was a child, im now 21. to sum it up it started off as phobia of dirt and contamination when a friend of mine trod in dog **** and by accident walked on my coat in class it set massive panic attact on me ( i must have been 14 15). then someone told me about how it could make you go blind if it went into your eyes. so for months after i was scared of losing my sight. i would always then stare at the ground and watch where i was walking and would be scared to touch my trainers or let them walk anywhere other than the matt in my kitchen. and over time i didnt lose my sight, so i stopped worrying and forgot about it.

 

then when i got to 18-19 it turned phobia of blood and blood related diseases mainly hiv, this seemed to come on once i found out my sister had ocd and she too feared the same phobias.

 

Various events, set it off. first one i was in a club and i sat down on a chair and when i went to the bar i stood up and used my hands to lift me off the seat, as i stood up i felt a really sharp prick go into my hand. and i didnt no wat it was. my hand didnt bleed but it left a dot. so as i had heard horror stories about this girl in a club and someone pricked her with a hiv infected needle, i instantly thought a similar thing must have happened to me.

 

I went to the doctor and told him about it and he said it is nothing and the chances of it being something like that are just worse than winning the lottery. he offered for me to get a blood test but i was to scared to follow it through.

 

then a few months later i moved away from home with my ex to start a new life. but i carried my fear long after that and was scared anxious etc. so one time i plucked up the corrage to go to the doc with my ex. but appon talking to the doc they said they didnt no i wanted such as test so i would need to come back... i didnt..

 

then i was fine for a bit longer but then an event in town such as seeing someone rush to the toilet with there nose bleeding all over the floor in a club i went to, got me all anxious and instantly got me into a panic attack, so to avoid that feeling i shut off from going out etc as avoidance keeps the anxious at bay. i would always walk around the house in fear that my ex's dad;s shoes had somehow touched the blood and his shoes were conaminting the house. this didnt help my thoughts.. i even through my trainers away in belief they had got some blood on them.

 

it got really over the next year in 07, i would wash my hands a lot etc to try and stay clean (compultion) and i would beleive that i was infected with the illness. but at the same time think rattionally and logically telling myself im ok. so whilst i am thinking i have got it, i am also taking measures to make sure i dont have the illness. which is crazy i know. it caused a lot of problems for my re with her. i wouldnt want to hug her from work only after she had a shower etc im so sad when i think back to these times.

 

anyway in beginning or late of 07 me and my ex broke up. i crashed down and wasnt in a good way. i finally had to admit to my family i have ocd and told them how it all started. that was a big relief knowing that they know.

 

anyway as time went on i continued to live away from home on my own. and i guess my fears and compultions went away when i was in the halls at uni. i was worrying about the loss of my ex. nothing else mattered.

 

it was hard for me cause she was the only one that i felt "knew" me and stuck by me through the rough of it.

and since i felt it had gone i wanted to let her know. but it didnt get her back she just said she was extremely happy for me.

 

anyway i come home mid 08 and get a job, met a new girl through work and we hit it off. she was different to most girls and we got on so well. she made me feel really happy. i hadnt felt happy for a long time. i thought my ocd had gone and the future was looking bright.

 

anyway we went out on a few dates but the only problem was her ex was still in the picture (i found it annoying at the time tbh), but she told me she was just his friend and cant cut him out her life, and she wouldnt go back to him because he abused her. she was very understanding of my situation with my ex and my past. things were going great we would hang out watch dvd;s and talk a lot and it was nice, untill she one day (weeks into our relationship) told me that what ever we have going has to end because she had something to tell me and once i know i probably wouldnt want to be with her, so she wanted to just forget about "us".

 

so i asked her what it was (not wanting to lose her) and she told me in a txt because its really hard, she explained that last year she lost her good friend in a road accident and that she had been raped last summer, then went off the rails with depression and then found out she had cervical cancer.

 

it was major news and i had to think what to do. I really liked her a lot so thought id stick with her as i had already got to attatched i guess and i didnt want the past to step in the way. so I asked if she was ok now though and told her thats all that matters, and told her about my ocd and what it envolved..

 

she told me she was fine and she had one last test for the cancer coming up (the six month later one)( which she passed and got the all clear, which she then celerbrated with her ex and they baked a cake or something :S) anyway i asked if she had been tested after the unfortunate event and she said yes she went right away and she was fine and had no sti's and reported it to the police. so over the next few days and messages i asked her if she had been tested for everything cause somethings dont show up in the blood right away, i could tell she didnt like talking about it as its probably uncomfortable subject for her to keep being brought up and for me to, she said yes i am fine i have no sti's you have to trust me ok. now can we drop it.

 

i did mention my ocd again because i thought it might make it an issue for me with everything she told me, but at the time i felt like it had honestly gone for good. i think we did have a bit of a dispute about us because i didnt know if i could go out with her, and she said she felt guilty now cause you probably feel pressured to be with me and she felt bad, and also felt like she had brought up my ocd again which wasnt very nice.

 

she was also bi polar and started to suffer from depression again. her doctor is the father of her best mate who died in the accident and he gave her some pills for the serritonin levels or something for it he loves her very much and known her since a baby. she was always sleepy to, when the doctors tested her for any cancerous cells etc they did a full check and asked her if her ex boyfriends had ever cheated on her which she said no they all loved me. but the doctor insisted on a swab test for any sti's etc since they could do it right there and then. and her results came through as negative. but they found that she was enemic.

 

anyway as time went on, we had been with each other comming up 3 months, it got physical and in the heat of the moment ended up giving her oral in total 2 times before we finally split (this was at the end of our re). she said to me i seemed shy and wasnt sure if i wanted to have sex with her or not, so i told her i did but i was nervous and she said well we can take as long as you need, there is no rush, she was very supportive. she asked me had my ex cheated when we still lived together etc and she said im just checking as want to be safe. and she had previously told me how she got her ex partners tested.

 

anyway as time went on her ex was still texting her a lot and wanted her back so bad, and it got to me how she would still spend time with him still even though he had beaten her up once. and one night she went to his and left upset becasue they argued and she walked home upset. so i went to see her to make sure she was ok... so she told me that she had a rubbish day and that her phycatrist told her not to be in a relationship at the moment. she understood that if i didnt want to be with her. but i continued to see her hoping he would be out the picture soon and just took it very slowly being careful.

 

he didnt back off and it caused conflict between me and her, one night we were out in town and she brushed me off for him and for me that was it. i had enough. we then spoke on msn next day and i told her i was done, she wasnt happy at this and told me why she was talkin to him and hanging about with him, (another long story in itself but to sum it up someone tried to spread around that she had cancer and her ex was sticking up for her).

 

i think we hung out twice after that event and even "made up" and she promised she hadnt seen him since, but deep down i couldnt trust her so we started to drift and didnt have time anymore to see one another and i couldnt deal with her and her ex and just thought well id never trust her to follow through with sex and it just isnt working for me. it just drove me mad. so thought i would end it. we have spoken a few times since, she has asked how i am and what am i up to. just chit chat.

 

but now i am worried about our events and what i did. i feel stupid and dont know wether i should just finally go and get fully tested, i mean i do and i dont, also it would be facing my phobia head on and its a lot to tackle. my sister said she would come with me and that she had been tested for everything and said it was great knowing the results are fine. but i am still scared of going and scared of wat the results might show. its my biggest fear. also if i go and its all clear ill probably think up of something else to be scared of. and im scared of the needles etc think stuff like what if there not clean. even sitting in a clinic makes my palms go sweaty

 

i again went to my doctor because i needed to talk to him because I thought i had genital warts (which they werent) and he suggested a book i should read on ocd, which i am right now. it helps a bit but im not to sure. he asked when i last had sex and i told him 15 months ago. he said well you can do a test here if your worried about your recent partner but try not to worry and if you do decide to take a test i would advise waiting 3 months so you give it the 3 months for any hiv to be dectected. he said he could print off a form and i can come in and get the test when ever i like.

 

I told him i might go to the clinic and get fully tested. he said oh well if you want to be tested for everything then yes I thinks you should because it would put my mind at rest and if something was wrong then at least they could help.

 

sigh, big relief i got this out its taken me over 2 hours to type. many many thanks to those who read and respond

[era]

its taken me over 2 hours to type.

 

It's taken me over 2 hours to read ....

 

he said oh well if you want to be tested for everything then yes I thinks you should because it would put my mind at rest and if something was wrong then at least they could help.

 

I think your Doctor has given you excellent advice.

[Peter_pan]

oh gawd sorry . yeah i just felt like typing it all out. appreciate your reply