The Art of Rehab Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Hello all, this is my very first post on these forums. I have been reading for a couple of weeks now but decided to register and get my question out there. This may or may not be a long read. Okay, where to start... Well, my ex and I had been dating for 2 years, I broke up with her in October. I thought this was what I wanted, and it took me a while to realize that it was in fact not...at all. I was fine with it for the first few months because I thought I was over her, It didn't seem to bother me. Come Christmas time into now I've been feeling horrible about it. I've never loved a girl as much as her, I've had other long relationships but never have I felt this strongly. I can't even look at any other girl with even an ounce of interest anymore, she's all I think about. I miss her with every inch of me. Details. Prior to me breaking up with her, she wanted a 'break' from us. I was very wary of this because 'breaks' are never a good sign. Ever. We did it, only for about a week, and the entire time her friends kept telling me she was absolutely miserable without me, etc, etc. We got back together. In the end, I left her over fights that at the time seemed like a big deal, but looking back on them were incredibly small and stupid things to get that worked up over. I tried talking to her before to get her back, but she rejected me. She said that when she asked for the 'break' it's because she claims that she fell out of love with me. She "wants to love me so much, but she can't". I don't believe her in some aspects. I know exactly why she felt the way she did. She got bored, and with the way I was acting, I don't blame her at all for it. I got way too comfortable, I sat around and played video games all the time, even when she was over. I often times declined on going out to bars or partys, thus keeping her in. I was acting silly basically. Over the time we've been apart, I've come to realize what I did wrong, and I've applied that to myself to better from it. Okay so now, we are trying the whole 'No Contact' thing, she wants space. She says she doesn't hate me, it's not that she doesn't care, she just would like some space. I'm trying my hardest, but until recently I keep breaking that >_< It's so hard to go from having someone you love day to day...to just...not. I keep wanting to text her or call her about my day, or something interesting that happened...but I can't. So I broke NC a couple of times (stupid of me I know) and that obviously hasn't helped my cause. The last time I talked to her was last Tuesday, I've been good with it and plan to not break until I hear from her which she claims she will call... Anyway, I don't know what to do here. I feel that she is not giving me the proper chance I need because she is looking back at the past when I've fixed all of that, ya know? I just want to get her out one night and start slow again...I guess breaking NC over and over is not helping obviously, but I'm just so eager to be with her again. I know, I know, I'm going to get a lot of 'move on' posts. I'd really rather not with this one though, I really think she might be the one, and I'd like to do everything in my power to have her back. Would you suggest just giving it some time and trying again, starting slow? That's basically what I'm going for now, but it's hard...I guess I'm just looking here for some people to talk to seriously about it. Thanks for reading and I hope to get some good advice! Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 to tell you the truth, you have to essentially be over her, and able to move on without her if you want to have a chance to be with her. she sees u as needy, and clingy, and thats not attractive. you have to get to her emotional side if you are going to have a go at this. you need to fix yourself for real, be calm all the time, and show her you mean business. i say a good 2 months of no contact AND dating/getting on with your life as an idividual should give you the perspective and confidence to try to get her back. ...its no that hard, just nerve racking and time consuming. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
EasyHeart Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Monkeymaid is right. Right now, you two are too close. She is thinking about your past relationship, and if you have indeed changed, she's not buying it. Any guy can say 'I've changed' and put on a show for a month or two. If you ever want to get her back, the only chance is to completely sever contact with her for at LEAST 2-3 months, and probably more like six. Then you have a chance to get back together as different people. Right now, the only thing that could happen is that you go back to your old relationship -- the one that didn't work! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Read the guide posted in my signature. It will help you understand what you need to do. You don't have any control over your ex. All you have control over is yourself. Accept that and move on. I know, easier said than done, but you must. Read the guide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Thank you for the replys, man...this looks like it's going to be rough, but I understand that it's what I have to do. Thanks for the guides, they are full of really good information that will help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 The only thing that is bothering me is that I fear that without any contact at all...I'll lose her. The last thing I want is to lose her. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 No........ no........ You won't lose her any more than you already have. If anything, it'll make her wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
hopethisworks Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 You definately wont lose her..trust me. Theres no way she is gonna be able to forget about you. But by not giving you and her some space you will drive her farther away. I didnt wanna do the whole NC thing either, cause I had essentially lost my best friend as well. Dont do it for her, do it for yourself. You really have to take a step back and re-think everything. You definately have to take the advice from above and be over her. Even if deep down inside you aren't you have to at least appear that way, cause in reality you wont get anywhere else if you dont. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 The only thing that is bothering me is that I fear that without any contact at all...I'll lose her. The last thing I want is to lose her. You already lost her. How you can lose something you don't have. In fact, the more you try to pull her towards you, the more she will run AWAY from you. The more opportunities you have to screw things up. And the longer it will take for you to heal. Trust me, disappearing from her life is the BEST thing you can do, for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 have you forgotten about her? then shes not forgotten about you. ...stop worrying that shes going to forget about you. when i realized this fact, i regained the power, harnessed it, and 2 months later, i just got back (literally) from our new first date. nothing has been resolved, but the seeds have been planted, now i just have to take care of them ...actually all i really need to take care of is me, and this is gonna grow BIG!!! so please please please stop worrying about her for 2 days, and think all about yourself! force yourself to do something good for YOU and after that, do something else for you and so on till you love yourself so much, you could give 2 ****s what her opinion about you is. then and only then, will you be able to confront her, and be with her or walk away if you want which is going to be an option(you just dont see it right now) ...good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 Monkey I'm intrigued with your story as it is a successful second chance, how did it go about? Who broke NC first? Did you call her after a couple of months and ask her out? These are all things I'd like to hear about for the future when I attempt it. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 well, we had a more complicated situation than most. i work for her mom, and she works for her dad. we do the same thing in different locations, and we were goodfriends for 5 years. anyway, i broke up with her on christmas eve but we were both still in love. i did it and broke her heart and mine at the same time. i called her on new years but nothing came of it. ...she was kinda mad actually. aweek later her grampa died in anither country, so her and i had to run the businesses, so for 2 weeks we were workinf together out of necessity and spent a lot of time together, but it was all professional. i think the that just built sexual tension as we were both fuming mad at each other still, so after her parents came back,i went nc. a week later she called meat 1 am,but i stayed strong, she texted me for the next 4 days, and i broke. i ended up telling her in a text not to, and i quote "please dont do that again, you have to stop calling me, texting me, no letters, emails, smoke signals, morse code, e.s.p., or any otherform of communication you can think of"she listened. during nc i started seeing a shrink, took up capoeira, yoga, salsa dancing, started the pre med requirements ive been putting off, i am taking a drawing class, surf every morning, started riding my mountain bike again weekly, went snowboarding, etc.., and the point that needs to be driven home is you need to start doing **** that makes you happy. because with or without your ex, you still have to be able to enjoy your life, otherwise it is not your life. if your happiness is contingent on her, then shes not going to want that burden of keeping you happy all the time, your friends arent going to want to hang out with you, and you will always doubt yourself. ...ne way back to my nc story, on v day, i broke no contact because i new if she said no or met me with opposition, i would just wait till she is healed, and make contact again. ..a few weeks. at that point though i had figured out exactly what i want, saw theproper steps and timing to get it, and was willing to do exactly what my brain AND heart were telling me to do. i personally want to marry her, but know that its impossible for at least another 4 years so , and if i am to be with her, i have the rest of my life to spend with her, get her back, and live my life. on vday, she shot down the idea of lunch, but called me after she hung out with her best friend at like 1030pm. i was out with my boys chatting up some single girls andhaving a good time, so at midnight i went to her house. we talked little, and did yoga. she yelled at me,told me off, and i knew she had to get this stuff out so i just reflected the emotin on her face with someon mine, but went right back to smiling when she was done. i was happy. we had sex, but only because i didnt break down after our break up and turn into a complete pussy (actually i did, but noone got to see)the fact that i was so strong, and taking careof my self and my **** is attractive and she just knew. a week after vday was her bday, and i didnt call her all week. i left her a note and a book, and she got it. ...she texted me as she was mad that i didnt cometo her bday and went snowboarding instead. you know what though, i did what i wanted to and its attracting her backmore andmore everyday. i am the man she fellin love with, and more now. im stronger, hotter, smarter, more socially capable,the list goes on. my confidence is high, and i get what i want. any opposition to that, includingmy ex is in for a rude awakening.adopt this attitude and still be personable, and im sure you wont want your ex back because jessica biel will leave justin timberlake just for a chance at rehab! j/kbut you get the idea. your situation is a little different as you were dumped, but the nc is essentially the same. you have to get your life back, start to enjoy living it all by yourself, meet other people, hang out with some hot girl ...no date (unless you want to) ,just kick it, talk, and flirt a little. imagine yourself (by yourself) in the future when this has all blown over and you are happy doing whatever it is your doing and nothing in the worlod canbring you down. do that twice a day. it should helpyou get control of your emotions. you aredoing just fine right now. you have the power cuz u took it back with nc. and picture your ex's bad qualities when you start to idealize her. keep your head up ...again good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I understand what I have to do, you guys have been most helpful, I was just curious how you went about it Monkey? Well, I your situation is different than mine, I was just wondering how to start mine back up when the time comes. Do I contact her and ask casually if she'd like to get dinner? Do I wait for her to contact me? I don't know how to go about that after NC for awhile and everything, it seems like it would be an awkward situation to get things rolling with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Posting when I get an urge to contact her. I'm not going to, but I'm getting that strong urge again. Not even sure why really, I was fine all day. Yesterday I sent her friend (mutual friend, but it's her "go-to" person I guess) if she would like to get together for lunch. She bought me a present a while ago, while I was still dating my ex but never got around to giving it to me, so I figured I'd ask her if she wanted to catch up/give that to me in a little lunch meet. I haven't heard back from her, but it wasn't in a clingy way or anything, it was a very casual way of asking. I want to catch up with her, and at the same time I'd like to show her that I am doing well, since it is kind of hard for my ex to see that with NC and all. Anyway, just felt the need to post that, trying to keep myself occupied. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I'm curious about something OP, what kind of girl/woman is your ex? Is she any or many of the following choices? Strong-willed.Independent.Proud.High self-esteem.Timid.Clingy.Low self-esteem.Confident.Flirty.Feminine.Beautiful.Average attractiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 hay good job for posting here instead of calling or txting. i know you knw already, but you cant be using her friend to show her that you are doing well. its still a form of contact. ....her friend is going to pick up on little things you will let on about and you wont even knowyou are doing it. ...instead of hanging with her friend, go to the gym, start running, or boxing. do anything but attemptto show her your doing well/good/better. you are using her friend as an in to your ex, and its going to end up worse than if you were to contact your ex directly, especially if she is your exes go to person. dont do it i promise its still too soon, as that is still reaching out to your ex. ...on an upity note, your sentences sound on a more level headed, less desperate level!! and thats good because you will notice the better you start to feel and the more your ego inflates to normal size, the better you will communicate in all mediums, so good on ya mate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 TBF what would those traits have to do with anything, I'm curious. I'd say she is beautiful, she can be flirty, not very clingy. She seems like she is strong, but I think she is weaker than what she leads on. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Does she have a lot of pride and self-confidence? Edit - humour me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I'd say about the same as an average girl, most of them tend to have basic self esteem problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Just wondering. You'll find that women/girls with the stronger characteristics, won't come begging back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I don't see her as the begging type, no. If she comes back, I expect it to be a casual thing that may or may not slowly lead into more. That's the way I picture it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Okay. I was also curious about what your expectations were, in reference to how she could potentially return but it looks like you're being realistic about it v. expecting her to crawl back on her hands and knees, like some of the guys expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 What the hell, I was doing fine for the past week but now I keep getting urges to talk to her. This is bothering me because I want to so bad, but I know it's counter productive to what I want in the long run. Ugh! Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 What the hell, I was doing fine for the past week but now I keep getting urges to talk to her. This is bothering me because I want to so bad, but I know it's counter productive to what I want in the long run. Ugh! Don't do it. It's like picking at a scab. You'll only make it worse. Distract yourself. Okay. I was also curious about what your expectations were, in reference to how she could potentially return but it looks like you're being realistic about it v. expecting her to crawl back on her hands and knees, like some of the guys expect. The point is NOT to expect her to come crawling back on her hands and knees. But that's the only way you should ever take her back (figuratively speaking of course). Anything less is a halfhearted play for emotional satisfaction and/or sex. It doesn't matter what her personality type is; the only thing that matters is what you're willing to tolerate. If you have self-respect, you won't pursue her or wait around for her. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 when your confidence is high, you wont need to worry about it because you will just KNOW that shes either gonna come back or you are moving on without her and no matter who says what, itsnot gonna stop your resolve in your decision. when your decision has permeated your every thought so you dont have to think and wonder what if, maybe, well... then and only then are you going to be strong enough to get what you want no matter how long its going to take you. right now you are working on the relationship you have with yourself. every time you yurn for your ex is the time to take action for yourself. every time she pops her little head out is the time to add to your positive self image and feed your heart the self love it needs right now. every time you stay strong in nc is 1 step in the right direction. this journey that your on may take 1000'of steps, but your already walkingthem, and you wont get through any other way, so take 1 step at a time and keep going. soon your legs will be strong enough to take you even though your brain may be tired. just like your brain will be strong enough when your body aches for her. aftera while, you will see that running this journey is easy and you will actually enjoy it. when its over, you will know because you will be in a new place with new surroundings and the air will be clear. at that point, you can try to get her back, or live in a new direction, which, if you havent figured out, you already started doing Link to post Share on other sites
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