Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Am I going about this all wrong still thinking that I want her back? I'm not being a depressed sap about it anymore, but I still feel that she is the love of my life and it is very difficult for me to just pretend that she doesn't exist. I also feel that NC is necessary, but at the same time feel that as you've stated on the first page, right now she is probably seeing me as the person I was when it ended. If NC is in action, how am I supposed to show her that I have bettered myself and am not the person I used to be? I am stronger, but I can't get that point across without speaking to her, ya know? It's all so confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 The point is NOT to expect her to come crawling back on her hands and knees. But that's the only way you should ever take her back (figuratively speaking of course). Anything less is a halfhearted play for emotional satisfaction and/or sex. It doesn't matter what her personality type is; the only thing that matters is what you're willing to tolerate. If you have self-respect, you won't pursue her or wait around for her. Technically speaking, he's the person who walked away but then, tried to get her back of which she rejected him. Are you saying that he didn't crawl back enough? Also, he's not really enacting NC. He's respecting her wish for NC. He wants her back. The way to sabotage NC, is to make contact unexpectedly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Also, he's not really enacting NC. He's respecting her wish for NC. He wants her back. The way to sabotage NC, is to make contact unexpectedly. This. I tried to come back early on and got shut down because I was acting like a clingy, depressed sap of a man. She wants NC, I'm respecting those wishes (trying my damned best anyway >_<). Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 This. I tried to come back early on and got shut down because I was acting like a clingy, depressed sap of a man. She wants NC, I'm respecting those wishes (trying my damned best anyway >_<).Begging and crawling never works. If anything, it only assauges the ego of the person who you're trying to get back, which usually turns into rejection again. I don't know what the answer is but if she still has strong feelings for you, she'll take you back. If she doesn't, nothing is going to change her mind, whether NC or not. When I suggest sabotaging NC through contact, I'm not suggesting the sappy route, something like a funny email or text, then nothing after that. On the otherhand, she requested NC, so if you don't respect her wishes, she might also get pissed off. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I don't WANT to break NC, but I don't understand how I'm supposed to get her to see I'm not who she thinks I am anymore. Such a lame situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 You can't convince her that you've changed. Even if you manage to do so, there are no guarantees that she'll trust the change will stick. You can either break NC with a plan that's definitive, something that lets her know that you know what you want and it's her; or if you're unwilling to risk rejection again, stick to NC but this time, mean it and move on. If you want to pursue her, make sure you're being witty, assertive and confident, not pleading, soft, arrogant or dismissive. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 yeah it is a catch 22 situation. the only way you can is by moving on. she will learn of what you are up to. but you dont want to do things thinking she will know or care about it. generally do things for yourself. i found joining a gym and pursuing my love for snowboarding really helped Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I definitely don't want to move on without her unless I absolutely have to. If I break NC (not yet) and I get rejected again, then I guess that will be the time to give up. I think my plan is to give it a little more time, if I haven't heard from her in that time, I think I'm just going to call her and be confident and myself and just see where that goes. Not quite yet though, it's still too soon. EDIT: It's not like I'm sitting around pining over her all day, I've been working out daily since we split, I'm playing games, trying to get out when I can (winter is a pain in the ass), I'm occupying myself. But she still pops into my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Technically speaking, he's the person who walked away but then, tried to get her back of which she rejected him. Are you saying that he didn't crawl back enough? I see what you are saying. In any case, he's the one who was most recently rejected by her. True, he broke up with her. But then he tried to get back together. Maybe he didn't "crawl back enough" (I really don't know), but she rejected the proposal. So HE is now the one in the position of moving on and avoiding contact, and the onus is on her to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Ugh, I'm trying so hard but I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. I'm not depressed anymore, it's just that I miss her so much, talking to her, hanging out. It doesn't feel right to pretend she doesn't exist, be unable to speak to her. I feel like I have to do something. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 what are you going to do?? the idea of nc is for you to get your head on straight. if you call her right now in this frustrated desperate state, be ready for rejection because that is what she is going to do ive got a years salary on it. if you can contact her, and through all of the pain, sadness, and frustration, keep your wits about you, stay in a good frame of mind, be funny, interesting, and confident all at the same time while not letting on that youve been thinking about her ALOT, and pining (being on here is pining) over her, then by all means call her and make small talk. if you want the process, here it is 1. work on yourself esteem 2a. get physically fit 2b. if you feel comfortable in your skin, move to 3 3. break nc and make small talk ...if she is receptive, move to 4 4. ask her out for a small outing. ie: lunch, coffee, ice cream etc... if all goes well keep going ..1 hour max here no more!!!! this is key 5. wait a week and a half to see if she calls back. if not call again for another outing after she is interested again, move on to 6. 6. date time!!! woohoo if your here, let me know cuz i dont know what to do after this Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I'm fairly confident now that I can call her and be confident and funny in it. I'm not breaking NC yet though, I'm just saying sooner than later. I'm not pining anymore, I come on here for help with coping, it feels good to talk to people who give great advice and have been in the same situations. Thanks for your process monk, so ya think I should try a smaller venue when I break NC for plans at first? I was going to suggest dinner but I guess that would be more of a date, maybe a small lunch would be best. Well thanks for the advice, it's helping Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 Friday night, been drinking. I don't think I'm going to break NC tonight but whenever I drink it does always seem like a 'smart' idea at the time, stupid alcohol! haha, just posting here to see what everyone is up to/help me NOT call. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeymaid Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 you deserve what youget dont say you werent warned Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 Well, it's 3 am, I didn't call or text her at all, I did text her friend though. Didn't mention her though. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I feel that she is not giving me the proper chance I need because she is looking back at the past when I've fixed all of that, ya know? Your situation so reminds me of my own. I feel like your GF. When a woman chooses to stay apart, it means the new freedom feels much better than the old relationship. If you can convince her that you can offer her something better than her current state, she might give you a chance. But if you make a mistake this time, she will leave you for good. Are you really willing to change or do you just want her back? Actions speak louder than words. YOU want a second chance... after you dumped her. Moreover, it took you a few months to decide you wanted her back. You don't look really good in her eyes right now. You have to chase her persistently and prove it to her that you've changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 Isn't chasing her persistantly pushing her away though. I want her, it's not just the idea that I want her back. It's that I care about her so much, not just her physical self, her as a person. I'd do whatever it takes to get her to give me that second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 You know, your "strategy" should depend on what would work for her. It's very difficult though to know. For example, dating another woman might induce her to want you back or it might push her away even more. Try to remember the things that she said to you. If she told you that you didn't treat her well, even if you disagree with her, take it as a premise. Because you want to get her to do something (take you back) and for that to be achieved, you need to get inside her mind. So get out of your mind first. Then follow the signs without any prejudice. The only bridge you have toward her mind and heart is the things she said in the past, as well as the way she behaved. If she is an insecure person, she might need some reassurance and attention, for example. I don't know. Tell her that you got rid of the playstation and signed up for dancing lessons and you're inviting her to your partner. Or ask her to go out with you and your friends to the bar or some fun place, just as friends. If she still loves you, she will eventually accept the invitation. I am not saying you should stalk her, but ask her to hang out a few times. Call her and just talk to her on the phone. If she consistently displays complete disinterest and rejects you, then she's probably over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 I think I'm gonna wait another week or so then give her a call and just be myself. No more drama, gonna ask if she wants to get lunch or something real quick with no pressure. I'm just going to go into it with confidence and be my old self, but show her in my voice (if that makes sense) that I've changed. If it works, it works. Link to post Share on other sites
darby1 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Umm tricky one. First off.. human nature.. you always want what you can't have. How do you know that once things got comfortable you would not be back in the same place as you were? people don't actually change as much as you want to believe. Its easy to think that standing outside of yourself, but in reality, you don't know that. And I am sure after 2 years 2gether, you know each other well enough to know what being together is like. You want her back.. but you don't want her back if she doen't want to be back with you. That is just your ego talking. Learn from this, you clearly have, but the old adage is if you love something, set if free, if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesn't it never was. If you want her back, you have to give her the space to realize she wants you back too, otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before she leaves again. Take this time apart for yourself, and stop obssessing over what she is doing.. easier said than done I know, but the more you crowd her, the more she wants away. Confidence is attractive.. be that cofident man you were when you met and remind yourself and her of the side of yourself she loves.. you at your best. Every time you contact her.. you just push her away even farther. Go one vacation with freinds.. FORGET about her for a while. You'll feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 RecordProducer is giving you some great advice. Since you dumped her first, I'd try getting in contact with her a few times. A lunch date sounds like a great idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Yeah I think that's definitely what I'm going to do. I think I've landed on waiting until this upcoming weekend and giving her a call, short and sweet, asking her if she wants to get together for lunch the following week some day. Probably the best angle I have at the moment, pretty confident in it too. We'll see how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
alwayssme Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Ok is it just me or have you NOT read this man's story?? Initially she asked for a break...then he broke up with her...when he tried to get her back she told him that the reason for the breka was because she has "fallen out of love with him" and wants to love him but she just cant.. he might as well be THE DUMPEE in this scenerio...and NOT THE DUMPER! Honestly if you're trying to get back with someone who doesnt have feelings for you any longer...woah...whenever someone finds an answer to that LET ME KNOW!! Because I have done it...the crying, beggind...also the complete NC and ignoring...also the casual contact and acting like you're fine AND the friend thing...My ex even told me he is attracted to me and finds me beautiful but HE JUST DOESNT WANT TO GET BACK!! so when i read about "how to get an ex back" it kind of bothers me because you are setting yourself up for SO MUCH heartache and disappointment...it took me long to recover (still havent) i kept on TRYING AND TRYING to get him back with all these ways and it just didnt work... some situations really are hopeless im sorry im not trying to discourage u in any way but i wanted to share my story to save u some heartache...but please let us know how everything goes...good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author The Art of Rehab Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 I still have to try. If there's even a tiny spark left of the flame that we once had, I have to know that I did everything I could before I called it quits. It's hurt, and may lead to a happy ending, or more pain. Either way, I'm going for it soon. Link to post Share on other sites
playlislay Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Aww sweety. I know how you are feeling. Ive recently (well, 2 months ago!) split up from my ex and it does get easier. I know that you want to hear that she will come back and you probably have the same thoughts as I did; she comes running back into your arms, holding you close, kissing you lovingly and going back to how you once were. Its an awful day dream and you must snap out of it!! It only makes things worse and makes you more upset. My ex dumped me as I had trust issues and kept pushing him away. I pushed him too far (although he never once implied that he couldnt deal with me pushing away, if he had, we would undoubtedly still be together) and that was it. Over. No second chances for me. We were so in love too, but it feels like he has literally forgotten about me. But to be honest, as much as I still love him and would maybe want to get back with him, Ive realised that its my life and I need to take time out to improve MYSELF. Seriously dude, time apart really does make you grow. For the better too. You do start to get on with life and those urges to call and text eventually disappear. I just see it that if we are meant to be together then we will find our way back, and if not? Then there are plenty of other fish in the sea!!!! Although I still love my old smelly fish :OP Link to post Share on other sites
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