I came clean, and it all came crumbling down.

[vaisforlovers]

Things are falling apart between me and my girlfriend of almost five years.

 

Our initial meeting seemed divine, and the first two years of our relationship were perfect. She is beautiful, we share similar ethics and values. She's a classy, educated, and talented girl. A dream come true for any guy. Very early on in our relationship we openly talked about marriage and were deeply committed to the idea of getting married right out of college. Before long though, I realized that I may not be ready for marriage right away and started feeling trapped by the relationship. I loved her deeply, but didn't know if marriage was in our future. I wanted to focus on the here and now of being young and dating. It was fun, and the seriousness of forecasting for marriage felt suffocating when it was at least several years away.

 

Then, about two years ago, feeling a lot of pressure by our relationship, we both studied abroad in different places. I sowed some wild oats while I was out of the country. I drank, and smoked, and lived recklessly. It wasn't who i was. I cheated and felt disgusting about it. I never told my GF that I had been with someone else. I admitted to her that I had kissed someone, but not that I had slept with someone. I knew I still loved my GF, and was afraid of losing her. I had intended on taking that secret to the grave, despite the guilt I harbored.

 

When we both returned home to the US, I was all hers again. I lied and maintained that I never cheated, but always felt guilty.

 

Since then, I've stood by her through great times and some tough times when she wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with me. Then recently, we decided to go on a break. She had doubts, so did I, and we were both too busy for each other and doing long distance. After a month or so of being on a break, I broke things off. She begged for me back. I refused at first. I tried dating someone else, but kept thinking of my ex. I still loved her too much to give us up. I came back to her with a new perspective.

 

I decided that after both of our doubts, we really needed to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start. I admitted to my cheating on her which had occurred almost two years ago. I knew that if we were going to move forward that she needed to know the real me, mistakes included. I wanted honesty to be most important in our new direction as a couple.

 

Now, because of my admittance of cheating, she is too hurt to take me back. I'm pretty devastated. I know I lied, and that what I did was horribly wrong and selfish. But I also know I'm not the same person I was before.

 

The idea of marriage is now what drives my desire to make sure I'm totally honest with her. I want to have a marriage that's built on honesty. She says though that she can't trust me. She can't even hardly look at me. She says that she can't believe anything I tell her to be true after two years of "living a lie" with me. I'm pretty devastated. I feel like I'm being punished for who I was two years ago, and not the honest faithful boyfriend I've been to her since my lie. I messed up, but I'm not a cheater. I've found forgiveness for my sins from my faith, but It won't mean a thing if I can't get that same forgiveness from her.

 

I dont know what to do. I'm crushed.

[Mr. Lucky]

I messed up, but I'm not a cheater.

You're not? Bottom line, if you two were in an exclusive relationship and you slept with someone else, then you cheated. And part of her ongoing discomfort maybe that you seem determined to put every possible spin on the act - pressure in the relationship, you were apart, you were young, you sowed some wild oats, you're now a different person, etc. So even though you cheated and lied about it then, you seem to feel that things are different now. Were I her, I'd wonder if that was true...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Geishawhelk]

People don't get it.

 

Desire is what we all have. Monogamy and stayung with one partner, are not natural attributes of the human being.

We're not hard-wired to be faithful.

 

So that is why you cheated.

Because you felt the urge, and answered it.

It happens.

 

Where you spin from being a "natural guy following his instinctive urges" to "untrustworthy cheater" is because you lied.

Commitment and fidelity is a choice we make.

You had tacitly or openly made that choice, and made a commitment promise to your GF.

A promise you broke.

More than once.....?

hen you lied, and witheld information, to protect yourself, really....

Honourable that you then decide to come clean - but yes, it backfired on you.

She wouldn't trust you as far as she could throw you now.

You blew that out of the water.

 

You can give all the reasons and justifications you want.

The bottom line is that you felt like it.

 

It's called "Actions and Consequences".

 

Your only hope is to suggest joint counselling and a promise to be completely up-front, honest and prove over and over again, you can be trusted - for as long as it takes.

 

She has to gradually learn to cut you some slack and recognise your efforts.

 

But I'm not sure she'll even do that for you now.

[samsungxoxo]

Yes she is crushed by all this, the fact that you told her after two years, now it's like anything you twll her would be viewed as a lie in her mind. The only suggestion would be through time and if she wants space, give it to her. If she were to get back with you then couple counseling would be the best option.

[Javelin]

Things are falling apart between me and my girlfriend of almost five years.

 

Our initial meeting seemed divine, and the first two years of our relationship were perfect. She is beautiful, we share similar ethics and values. She's a classy, educated, and talented girl. A dream come true for any guy. Very early on in our relationship we openly talked about marriage and were deeply committed to the idea of getting married right out of college. Before long though, I realized that I may not be ready for marriage right away and started feeling trapped by the relationship. I loved her deeply, but didn't know if marriage was in our future. I wanted to focus on the here and now of being young and dating. It was fun, and the seriousness of forecasting for marriage felt suffocating when it was at least several years away.

 

Then, about two years ago, feeling a lot of pressure by our relationship, we both studied abroad in different places. I sowed some wild oats while I was out of the country. I drank, and smoked, and lived recklessly. It wasn't who i was. I cheated and felt disgusting about it. I never told my GF that I had been with someone else. I admitted to her that I had kissed someone, but not that I had slept with someone. I knew I still loved my GF, and was afraid of losing her. I had intended on taking that secret to the grave, despite the guilt I harbored.

 

When we both returned home to the US, I was all hers again. I lied and maintained that I never cheated, but always felt guilty.

 

Since then, I've stood by her through great times and some tough times when she wasn't sure if she still wanted to be with me. Then recently, we decided to go on a break. She had doubts, so did I, and we were both too busy for each other and doing long distance. After a month or so of being on a break, I broke things off. She begged for me back. I refused at first. I tried dating someone else, but kept thinking of my ex. I still loved her too much to give us up. I came back to her with a new perspective.

 

I decided that after both of our doubts, we really needed to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start. I admitted to my cheating on her which had occurred almost two years ago. I knew that if we were going to move forward that she needed to know the real me, mistakes included. I wanted honesty to be most important in our new direction as a couple.

 

Now, because of my admittance of cheating, she is too hurt to take me back. I'm pretty devastated. I know I lied, and that what I did was horribly wrong and selfish. But I also know I'm not the same person I was before.

 

The idea of marriage is now what drives my desire to make sure I'm totally honest with her. I want to have a marriage that's built on honesty. She says though that she can't trust me. She can't even hardly look at me. She says that she can't believe anything I tell her to be true after two years of "living a lie" with me. I'm pretty devastated. I feel like I'm being punished for who I was two years ago, and not the honest faithful boyfriend I've been to her since my lie. I messed up, but I'm not a cheater. I've found forgiveness for my sins from my faith, but It won't mean a thing if I can't get that same forgiveness from her.

 

I dont know what to do. I'm crushed.

 

 

I don't think you're any better now, then you were several years ago.

 

Why don't you read your post from the outside, in. Basically, imagine as if someone else wrote it and you're reading their events. You'll come to see that you still have very selfish motives in place. A professor once told me that, "you can always tell if a person is full of themselves by the amount of letter, 'Is' in their writing."

 

Oh well, maybe you'll make better decisions in the future.

[troubadour]

Of course, you are a cheater... you just have your own head buried too deep in your own a$$ to realize it. It is all about you and how unjustly you are being punished.

 

 

 

"I've found forgiveness for my sins from my faith..."

 

This is great... it looks that you've given yourself absolution. You really love yourself. I just can't f..... believe what I am reading

[missdependant]

You made a mistake.

 

But you made the choice on your own. Whether or not you were high or you were out getting wasted, you still chose this path on your own with NO regard of your girl's feelings.

 

I believe in second chances. But your girlfriend might not.. maybe you could consider HER feelings in the matter. She was probably devastated and afraid of being lied to, or that everything that you've ever told her has been a lie.

 

You made the mistake, and you should now deal with the penalty. You broke her heart, and now she is breaking yours..

 

Karma, possibly.

 

And also, you'll always want what you can't have.

[norajane]

Now, because of my admittance of cheating, she is too hurt to take me back

No, that's not why she won't take you back.

 

She won't take you back because you cheated and lied about if for 2 years.

 

If you can carry off that kind of deception for 2 years, she knows you're a lying liar who lies. And she is having a hard time trusting that a guy who's that committed to lying and deception is a good bet for the future.

 

All you can do is take FULL responsibility for your choices and actions, and then give her time. But if you try to minimize what you did and try to justify and rationalize it, forget it.

[jess90]

would u forgive her if she had done the same to you. its pretty easy to come out at the end and say u did wrong and u would like a new freash start after u made the decision and cheated on your gf. you threw everythin away when u made the decision to cheat and u have felt guilt ever since but i bet u feel better once u told her the truth. the fact is u had all that time to overcome ur feelings of guilt and dropped the bombshell when u decided to tell her. u had what...2 yrs to get over it n it was ur wrong doing. ur ex gf now needs time to do the same and that is counting on weather she can forgive u, and even if she can there may never be a relationship to go bk to.

the most u can hope for is her forgiveness.

she needs time you cant just pull that crap n think its ok cos you admitted to it.

[Dexter Morgan]

At least you did the right thing and told her. She deserved to know.

 

Cheaters need to come clean no matter what so their victim is informed and can make the decision for themselves whether to stay with said cheater or not.

 

sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. either way, nothing excuses keeping someone you betrayed in the dark.

[manugeorge]

That's the thing about cheating or just about any other mistake you make in life. There is usually always a consequence, which is why it's pertinent to think about your actions before you commit them anyway. Just because you are repentant now doesn't mean you don't get to suffer the consequences for your actions. As a matter of fact, someone might even say that part of being repentant is the willingness to take whatever "punishment" that arises as a result of your actions. That is just life.

 

You cheated, it doesn't matter if it was yesterday or 10 years ago. There is no statute of limitations on the consequence which is the betrayal that your girlfriend feels. You just have to suck it up and deal.

 

Can she forgive you and take you back? who knows. Do you deserve to be forgiven and taken back? perhaps. But it still doesn't mean it's guaranteed. Betrayal is a deeply personal hurt, it affects people differently. I know I can forgive just about anything my SO does to me but cheating is a no no, no negotiations.

 

Accept that you wronged her, if she forgives and forgets, good for you. If she doesn't, learn your lesson from it and move on. Certain mistakes in life are more costly than others, that's a good lesson for people to learn.

[in_absentia]

I'm glad you came clean so that your gf has the opportunity to decide if she wants to be with you or not. You cheated on her, one of the worst things you can do to a partner, so I'm not surprised she won't be with you anymore. If my partner cheated on me 2 years ago and I found out I'd be out the door and never speak to them again. She can't trust you.

 

Having said that, maybe she already kinda wanted out and this is a good reason to do it? You said that you both had a break when you were too busy for each other... I might be wrong, I'm only young... but I feel like if two people love each other and want to be with each other, being busy or being far away wouldn't stop them wanting to be together. Things can't have been good for a break to happen, even if you were both busy, you can always make time even for a quick chat every day on the phone. So maybe she's just not really into you anymore and this is her chance to get out?