SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 My H and I seperated for exactly one year, he lived elsewhere. I filed for D, and about 3 weeks before it became final, I called it off and he moved back in. This was due to finances- we were both struggling and even risk losing the house. We filed uncontested and although he never wanted the D, we remained cordial and freindly for the kids sakes. Now we are living together again as a married couple-but only as roommates. COmpletely platonic, no physical contact (we never had much anyway). We coexist in basic silence, only exchanging words when neccessary- and its not because we want it to be this way, there is just nothing to say to each other. I, ofcoarse don't want to live this way, thats why I filed to begin with. But, we made a decision to stay together for a couple more eyars until the job and money situation stableizes so that neither of us end up homeless. Its a business deal. I am so sad and lonely, but my doc put me on antidepressants, so now I don't secretly cry all the time, I just walk around kind of numb. We have been thru so much MC and our realtionship could not be made into anything better. It is what it is, we are not in love with each other and we know we shouldn't be together. But we need to be right now, for reasons mentioned. Does anyone else have a business arrangement marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I don't, but in this deflationary death spiral anything is possible. I've heard stories of people postponing separating and divorce for financial reasons. Estranged couples sharing a house but not a life. Formerly intimate strangers, now emotionally separated, awkwardly inhabiting a living space is brutal, but consider the alternative: homelessness and bankruptcy. It's a divorce/separation stillbirth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Yes, its hard and very sad. I walk around like a zombie- not sure if its the antidepressants or just in response to the situation. If I had an opportunity for an affair, not sure that I would turn it down. I feel like the living dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Have you tried marriage counseling or anything aimed at improving the marriage? Have you tried improving the marriage? It seems like you both just gave up but there has to be a reason you got married in the first place. I don't know the details, if there's other people involved and such but perhaps you guys could try to fix whats missing. People tend to blame their partner for whats missing in their life before they look inside themselves. You should really think about your problems, we don't talk, we are not intimate and such. These are obstacles put in place that every relationship will struggle with. At some point every relationship is going to struggle a bit with finding new things to talk about. Why wouldn't it, you live together and see each other on a constant basis. The same with intimacy, you cant fuel it with the fact the person is new your whole life. I don't know, to me people just give up way to fast. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Have you tried marriage counseling or anything aimed at improving the marriage? Have you tried improving the marriage? It seems like you both just gave up but there has to be a reason you got married in the first place. I don't know the details, if there's other people involved and such but perhaps you guys could try to fix whats missing. People tend to blame their partner for whats missing in their life before they look inside themselves. You should really think about your problems, we don't talk, we are not intimate and such. These are obstacles put in place that every relationship will struggle with. At some point every relationship is going to struggle a bit with finding new things to talk about. Why wouldn't it, you live together and see each other on a constant basis. The same with intimacy, you cant fuel it with the fact the person is new your whole life. I don't know, to me people just give up way to fast. My experience is entirely the opposite: marrieds hang on much too long. Spouses resemble the living dead--zombie marriages. Dead marriages destroy lives, and shouldn't be maintained on the irrational assumption that the preservation of all marriages--regardless of quality--is a social and personal plus. Why? Because it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFootOut Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 My H and I seperated for exactly one year, he lived elsewhere. I filed for D, and about 3 weeks before it became final, I called it off and he moved back in. This was due to finances- we were both struggling and even risk losing the house. We filed uncontested and although he never wanted the D, we remained cordial and freindly for the kids sakes. Now we are living together again as a married couple-but only as roommates. COmpletely platonic, no physical contact (we never had much anyway). We coexist in basic silence, only exchanging words when neccessary- and its not because we want it to be this way, there is just nothing to say to each other. I, ofcoarse don't want to live this way, thats why I filed to begin with. But, we made a decision to stay together for a couple more eyars until the job and money situation stableizes so that neither of us end up homeless. Its a business deal. I am so sad and lonely, but my doc put me on antidepressants, so now I don't secretly cry all the time, I just walk around kind of numb. We have been thru so much MC and our realtionship could not be made into anything better. It is what it is, we are not in love with each other and we know we shouldn't be together. But we need to be right now, for reasons mentioned. Does anyone else have a business arrangement marriage? You didn't say how many, or how old your kids are, but if they are living in the same home with you (ie: not grown) you are doing them an injustice. Kids pick up on EVERYTHING. They know you are miserable and avoiding speaking to each other no matter how much you try to play it off. They would be better off with two separate, healthy, and HAPPY parents. I'm not just preaching to the choir here, my husband and I are in the process of separating in order to keep some sort of relationship alive for each other and our kids. We both realize, as bad as it seems to disassemble our family, it will be best for all of us in the long run. We don't have a lot of money, no savings, and lousy credit due to struggling with the economy the way it is. He may end up in a rented mobile home for a while, but hey, whatever works. I think you should first reevaluate the living situation and maybe be willing to lower your "lifestyle requirements" for a while until you each get established again. Eliminate extras, credit accounts, rent to own accounts, cut back utilities and services, give up things you don't need to live (shopping habits, name brands, hair, nails, movie rentals, fast food, etc.) Learn to live cheaper for a while so you can both get a new start. Have you considered selling the house and splitting the funds? You could each get a small place of your own? There are all sorts of ways to 'afford' to move on for everyone's well being. Staying together MISERABLE and medicated because you don't want to give up some comforts isn't doing anyone any good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Yes, we were in MC for a couple of years. No, there is no saving the marriage, we simply aren't in love, we simply are opposite people who should not be together. I did not just give up- we treid for eyars to make something of the marriage. The kids are 13, 14 17- they did fine with the seperation, they didn't have any problems with it at all. SO, we are just biding our time together until it becaomes more feasable to split for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 oh- and I should mention- we got married in the first place for the wrong reasons. SO there was never any real intimacy or love between us- just friendship. BUt the friendship is really superficial. But thats how it is, and I am not on this site to have suggestions on how to repair this marriage- as there is nothing to repair- I just wanted to see if anyone else is living together (still married) out of convenience only and how they deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFootOut Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 My experience is entirely the opposite: marrieds hang on much too long. Spouses resemble the living dead--zombie marriages. Dead marriages destroy lives, and shouldn't be maintained on the irrational assumption that the preservation of all marriages--regardless of quality--is a social and personal plus. Why? Because it's not. *applause* Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 My experience is entirely the opposite: marrieds hang on much too long. Spouses resemble the living dead--zombie marriages. Dead marriages destroy lives, and shouldn't be maintained on the irrational assumption that the preservation of all marriages--regardless of quality--is a social and personal plus. Why? Because it's not. I never said all marriages should be preserved. I'm not preaching about preservation of the sanction of marriage. It just sounded like they never seeked any help or counseling. Should everyone give up if the marriage if it seems a little stale? I don't know all the problems of their marriage but so far I have we don't talk and we don't have sex. In your opinion these are not symptoms of underlying issues that may be fixable? I don't think marrieds hang on to long anymore either. That's why the divorce rate is so high. They hang on about the same as they hang onto a stale relationship because its true, people don't value the marriage vows like people once did. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 *applause* Thanks, for the applause, OneFootOut. Normally when I rail against the needless perpetuation of chronically unhappy marriages, I hear chirping crickets or must duck thrown objects. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFootOut Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 oh- and I should mention- we got married in the first place for the wrong reasons. SO there was never any real intimacy or love between us- just friendship. BUt the friendship is really superficial. But thats how it is, and I am not on this site to have suggestions on how to repair this marriage- as there is nothing to repair- I just wanted to see if anyone else is living together (still married) out of convenience only and how they deal with it. Is it really convenient to be absolutely miserable, medicated for depression, living in a house with someone you rarely even speak to while you long inside not to be so lonely and not to live your life this way? That sounds more like a great Inconvenience to me. You are both wasting precious moments out of your lives that you could be happy and fulfilled elsewhere. Honestly it sounds like there is fear on the unknown and fear of the complete end to the relationship going on as well, being as you were apparently making it apart almost a year.. until everything was about to become so final. Could this re-co-habitation be a last ditch desperate attempt to keep some kind of relationship together because you/he fears moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Is it really convenient to be absolutely miserable, medicated for depression, living in a house with someone you rarely even speak to while you long inside not to be so lonely and not to live your life this way? That sounds more like a great Inconvenience to me. You are both wasting precious moments out of your lives that you could be happy and fulfilled elsewhere. Honestly it sounds like there is fear on the unknown and fear of the complete end to the relationship going on as well, being as you were apparently making it apart almost a year.. until everything was about to become so final. Could this re-co-habitation be a last ditch desperate attempt to keep some kind of relationship together because you/he fears moving on? No- there is no last minute attempt to reconcile. And we both did fine on our own, though struggled financially. It was a bsuiness decision to get back together (for now), thats all- we don't fear moving on per day- excpet the fear of losing our house to foreclosure and him not being able to support himself- so, I guess THAT fear is there- this was the "smartest" thing to do so that the kids don't end up homeless. But, its very depressing when we both know we shouldn't be together. But, we made a commitment to stick it out until we can be sure that we can both make it financially apart. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFootOut Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks, for the applause, OneFootOut. Normally when I rail against the needless perpetuation of chronically unhappy marriages, I hear chirping crickets or must duck thrown objects. Hahaha.. I get that a lot too. I have been dealing with my own issues.. if you have a few hours, you could catch up with my story on here. The thing is, no matter how bad things seem to me, I always try to have an open mind, and try to remain mature about things. I am very curious and like to find meaning and lessons in everything I experience. This 'thing' happening between my husband and I has been quite an education and observation on human nature - as emotional and gut-wrenching as it has been lol. I'm ok with it now though Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 SO, we are just biding our time together until it becaomes more feasable to split for good. I just wanted to see if anyone else is living together (still married) out of convenience only and how they deal with it. How are you dealing with it and what is more feasable? I guess if I was in the situation and absolutely knew I had to leave I would be doing everything in my power to reach feasable. If I had to pick up more hours at work, get a second job, whatever it took to be on my own if things were so miserable. Also if the anti-depressants he put you on are just making you numb and your walking around like a zombie how are you going to get the motivation to do what needs to be done. Sometimes the pain is there for a reason. Sometimes the pain motivates you to change your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 well, we are refinancing the house. He is looking for a higher paying job so he can support himself (I can support myself on my job, he cannot and I was paying him 200-400 per month for a year so that he could pay his bills)(my oldest son was living with him, so it was important to me that he could pay the bills). We are also saving money in seperate personal accounts. SO, you can see we are working on improving the situation to make it more feasable to live apart). After he moved back in, before I got on the antidepressants, I was soooo depressed, crying at every moment, lamenting over my plight. It was too painful and I knew I had to live with my situation for a while, so I got on the antidepressants to cope better. And even though I am now basically emotionless, it beats how I was feeling before. When we split again, (could be a year or more from now), I will get off them. But for now, I need them to function like a relatively normal person. Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Yes, its hard and very sad. I walk around like a zombie- not sure if its the antidepressants or just in response to the situation. If I had an opportunity for an affair, not sure that I would turn it down. I feel like the living dead. Well, I'm not saying its a good idea but I have seen people find resources and ambition they never knew they were capable of when the prospect of a new love interest was staring them in the face. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 That's too sad. You need anti-depressant medication to cohabit with your estranged husband. Have you thought of going out with your GF's and meeting some guys. Is your ex abusive? Would he go postal if you spent the night out? What a lost year if you spent it comfortably numb. That just sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 That's too sad. You need anti-depressant medication to cohabit with your estranged husband. Have you thought of going out with your GF's and meeting some guys. Is your ex abusive? Would he go postal if you spent the night out? What a lost year if you spent it comfortably numb. That just sucks. Well, sinse I am still married, I am not real keen on meeting other guys, though I have been tempted. I think cheating is wrong, even though I feel like I am divorced inthe eyes of God and simply married via the state. But, still.... Yes, it will be a lost eyar. But I know that other couples stay together for financial reasons only, so I know I am not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Well, sinse I am still married, I am not real keen on meeting other guys, though I have been tempted. I think cheating is wrong, even though I feel like I am divorced inthe eyes of God and simply married via the state. But, still.... Yes, it will be a lost eyar. But I know that other couples stay together for financial reasons only, so I know I am not alone. none of us are alone but it sure don't make it any easier, or fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmartWoman321 Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Ok- any handsome guys in their 40s who live in Michigan stcuk in the same situation who wants to "get together?" ;-) JUST KIDDING! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 What would be so wrong with divorcing and continuing to cohabitate until you're both financially stable enough to weather this economic storm? If you are both of the same mind and mature enough to truly accept living as roommates in this arrangement then, at the very least, you can achieve the finality you need to get off of the meds! This all presupposes that you have been absolutely honest with yourself regarding the state of your marriage and conviction to divorce in the first place. If there is a lingering doubt then you owe it to yourself to fully explore all options before you put this to rest forever. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFootOut Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 What would be so wrong with divorcing and continuing to cohabitate until you're both financially stable enough to weather this economic storm? If you are both of the same mind and mature enough to truly accept living as roommates in this arrangement then, at the very least, you can achieve the finality you need to get off of the meds! This all presupposes that you have been absolutely honest with yourself regarding the state of your marriage and conviction to divorce in the first place. If there is a lingering doubt then you owe it to yourself to fully explore all options before you put this to rest forever. Funny thing pelican, I would have rather divorced my husband and continued to be his room mate (since that's all we had been for years) than to have him move away and us just be separated. Seems the first option would have been easier to deal with... *shrug* We would still have that friendship, but be free legally and emotionally and physically without the 'expectations' of being a married spouse. Now he's gone and I'm still not "free". So, I don't have him, and can't have anyone else. (AS IF) What a craaaazzzzy trip this has been. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Funny thing pelican, I would have rather divorced my husband and continued to be his room mate (since that's all we had been for years) than to have him move away and us just be separated. Seems the first option would have been easier to deal with... *shrug* We would still have that friendship, but be free legally and emotionally and physically without the 'expectations' of being a married spouse. Now he's gone and I'm still not "free". So, I don't have him, and can't have anyone else. (AS IF) What a craaaazzzzy trip this has been. Arrrrrrgh! Please file the divorce papers now else you'll force me to don a wig and go down to the courthouse dressed as you to do it myself! I've told you once and I'll say it again, he's using the "I need space" line to have the privacy he needs to do in the dark what he won't reveal to the light!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lying eyes Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 How can you say your kids had no problem with the divorce at all? Because they told you? Most teenagers do not like to talk about their feelings with their parents. Especially the 13 year old. It makes me think you are out of touch with your children, or too wrapped up into yourself to recognize any pain they might be going through. I find it highly unlikely that none of these kids had any difficulty. Have they seen a child counselor? Link to post Share on other sites
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