Does anyone else live like this

[SmartWoman321]

How can you say your kids had no problem with the divorce at all? Because they told you? Most teenagers do not like to talk about their feelings with their parents. Especially the 13 year old. It makes me think you are out of touch with your children, or too wrapped up into yourself to recognize any pain they might be going through. I find it highly unlikely that none of these kids had any difficulty. Have they seen a child counselor?

 

 

LOL- no I am not wrapped up in myself. As co-parents, we are very on top of the kid issues- when we seperated, we took all 3 to a therapist, they went three times and the therapist said that none of them needed to go anymore, they all were doing great! Their grades never suffered either. Actually, they preferred us living apart, ESPECIALLY the 13 and 14 year olds because 16 year old brother went with dad and he tends to pick on the younger ones- so for the first time ever, they got some peace! :_) and actually, the brother learned to appreciate them more when he saw them, so even his behavior got better. Because H and I were very amicable, dad and brother were over almost every day, so the younger ones saw dad all the time- probably more than they did when we lived together- and it was "better" time spent as well.

Throughout the year, I often touched based with them on how they were doing, feeling, etc. They were happy, doing things with friends, seeing their dad a LOT. When H and I went to the court ordered parenting meeting (everyone here has to go to it if you have minor children), they stressed that the kids will do well if the PARENTS do well- work together as a united front, etc.---and we do all that.

When we told the kids we were getting back together, they just shrugged and said "whatever"---actually the younger two were kind of disappointed! They liked it the way it was! All 3 of my kids are popular and active at school with tons of freinds and activities. They are involved in 4H, sports, hobbies and all get A's and B's. None of them (ages 13, 14, 17) have ever gotten into any trouble at all- no drinking, no breaking curfew, no partying, - nothing.

I guess I am lucky.

But yes, my kids did fine with the seperation and if and when we seperate for good (which we will - in 1-3 years), they will do fine then too.

[Goatsbreath]

Ok- any handsome guys in their 40s who live in Michigan stcuk in the same situation who wants to "get together?" ;-)

JUST KIDDING! LOL

 

I live in Michigan, haha, its really freaking cold right now. I'm 33 and based on my recent coffee date experience I realize I need to sit tight for a while. I lived in the UP for a while and now Im living in Southfield.....woot

[SmartWoman321]

I live in Michigan, haha, its really freaking cold right now. I'm 33 and based on my recent coffee date experience I realize I need to sit tight for a while. I lived in the UP for a while and now Im living in Southfield.....woot

 

 

well, even if we were single, I am afraid that at 45 I am a bit too old for ya- hot as I am and all. :-)

[toddro]

Im three months in to the situation...and it sucks....I might be OK with the roomate part if my ex had a job. But she says I was unemployed once in our marrige for six months so I "owe" her this.

[RecordProducer]

Does anyone else live like this?

 

Are you kidding? I would say 90% of married couples live like this - with creative variations. Some may be smiling and having their busy schedules filled with social activities, vacations, and family gatherings - but on the inside, there's darkness and emptiness, resentment and loneliness. Don't look at the outside layer.

 

Regarding your case... is it really absolutely necessary to live together to survive? Or is it just financialy easier? You might be happier in a little, crappy condo with less money than to live liike a zombie. If your husband moves out again, will he be able to survive? Is it better for your kids if he's around, how old are they?

 

An "affair" wouldn't be an affair, since you're not an item and it's only a temporary business agreement. Do you work? Does your husband? I think if you must stay together, at least try to be more friendly and talk to each other. Humor is the best cure for depression.

 

There is no such thing as "nothing to say." Watch a movie together (even if your tastes differ), prepare a meal together, play some game, search for comedy on the net, then watch them togetheretc. - just to get a warmer, more friendly and family-like feeling. It will do you good. You don't feel like anything becase you're depressed and he's staying away from trouble. But if you make yourself do something, you will feel better.

 

Are you angry at him? Forgive him, not because he might deserve it, but because YOU deserve to be rid of all emotional discomfort.

[SmartWoman321]

Does anyone else live like this?

 

Are you kidding? I would say 90% of married couples live like this - with creative variations. Some may be smiling and having their busy schedules filled with social activities, vacations, and family gatherings - but on the inside, there's darkness and emptiness, resentment and loneliness. Don't look at the outside layer.

 

yep- I bet this is true.

 

Regarding your case... is it really absolutely necessary to live together to survive? Or is it just financialy easier? You might be happier in a little, crappy condo with less money than to live liike a zombie. If your husband moves out again, will he be able to survive? Is it better for your kids if he's around, how old are they?

 

Kids are teens. Yes, it is financially neccessary to live together. I do daycare in my house, can't move to a small apt. Got to stay. He is underemployed and cannot survive on his own. Nor can he [py the mortgage here. The kids are fine with him being here, he has a good relationship with him. ANd they were fine when he didn't live here as well, as he comes around almost every day.

 

An "affair" wouldn't be an affair, since you're not an item and it's only a temporary business agreement.

 

Ha. Just the justification I need. Now...where do I find someone? :-)

 

Do you work? Does your husband? I think if you must stay together, at least try to be more friendly and talk to each other. Humor is the best cure for depression.

 

We talk casually. Like any college roommates would- although, LOL we are both in mid- 40's.

 

There is no such thing as "nothing to say." Watch a movie together (even if your tastes differ), prepare a meal together, play some game, search for comedy on the net, then watch them togetheretc. - just to get a warmer, more friendly and family-like feeling. It will do you good.

 

We try to do this when we can, but mostly we are leading our ouwn lives with a couple of hellos in between. Believe it or not we sleep in the same bed...on seperate sides, not touching unless by accident. We have both accepted that and although there is always an "elephant in the room", what can ya do.

 

You don't feel like anything becase you're depressed and he's staying away from trouble. But if you make yourself do something, you will feel better.

 

yeah, well the low dose antidepressant my doc put me on is helping.

 

Are you angry at him? Forgive him, not because he might deserve it, but because YOU deserve to be rid of all emotional discomfort.

 

I was angry for years because he wouldn't do what I needed him to do. But after much therapy, I have forgiven him because I realize its not his fault, he is just emotionally incapable. Kind of like a disability. How can you stay mad at someone with a disability? I am no longer angry, just sad.

[lostsoulmate]

my experience is entirely the opposite: Marrieds hang on much too long. Spouses resemble the living dead--zombie marriages. Dead marriages destroy lives, and shouldn't be maintained on the irrational assumption that the preservation of all marriages--regardless of quality--is a social and personal plus.

 

Why? Because it's not.

 

**standing ovation!!!!**

[Dirkus]

There are a lot worse things than losing your house; like living in emotional coma, on Paxel, waiting 1, 2 , 5 years hoping things will get better financially, forcing teenagers to live with parents with frozen souls. What do you think you're teaching them? A house is more important than happiness?

 

He sounds completely dependent and you enable him. Your kids won't be homeless. You won't let that happen.

 

I had a lovely house in the burbs, manicured lawn, played tennis with the neighbours. I thought I can't possibly lose all this. I lost everything anyway. Moved to a low rent area into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with 2 teenage boys. I didn't have a TV or the internet. I didn't even have a telephone for 2 years. My expenses, just bills and rent, was $50 more than my income. Despite all the 'financial' hardship I was, and still am, a way happier and healthier guy.

[SmartWoman321]

There are a lot worse things than losing your house; like living in emotional coma, on Paxel, waiting 1, 2 , 5 years hoping things will get better financially, forcing teenagers to live with parents with frozen souls. What do you think you're teaching them? A house is more important than happiness?

 

I really don't think this is an issue. Things are no different between H and I now then they have been thru the entire marriage. The kids don't know any differently- as far as they are concerned, everything is the same as it has always been.

 

He sounds completely dependent and you enable him. Your kids won't be homeless. You won't let that happen.

 

He is dependant because he does not make enough moeny to support himself. And yes, if I lost the house, we WOULD be homeless

and I would be without a job as I work out of my house. There are NO jobs in the Michigan town I live in, the worst state to be in right now. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am also dependant on him for certain things- especially helping me with three teens- an often difficult situation. We are a very good parenting team and I want him around for that. Plus he mows the lawn and does all that stuff.

 

I had a lovely house in the burbs, manicured lawn, played tennis with the neighbours. I thought I can't possibly lose all this. I lost everything anyway. Moved to a low rent area into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with 2 teenage boys. I didn't have a TV or the internet. I didn't even have a telephone for 2 years. My expenses, just bills and rent, was $50 more than my income. Despite all the 'financial' hardship I was, and still am, a way happier and healthier guy.

 

Yikes- no thanks. I would rather live in a lifeless marriage in a decent house with a decent job and be unhappy in the marriage than what you describe. Blah!

[Dirkus]

You say. 'You're so sad and lonely your doctor put you on anti-des" and "of course I don't what to live this way." But it doesn't sound like your willing to do anything about it. You have to make bold moves if you want to move forward.

 

You can feel sorry for yourself and hope others feel sorry for you too but if you want to change your situation you're going to have to act.

 

Ask yourself how long are you going to live like this? 10 more years? you'll be 55. How are you going to sort it out then? What are you waiting for a lottery win? A knight in shining armor? Your spouse(or whatever you want to call him) to change. You're the only one that can get you out of this mess. But only if you really want to.

[Justanotherschmuck]

My experience is entirely the opposite: marrieds hang on much too long. Spouses resemble the living dead--zombie marriages. Dead marriages destroy lives, and shouldn't be maintained on the irrational assumption that the preservation of all marriages--regardless of quality--is a social and personal plus.

 

Why? Because it's not.

 

 

 

I guess youre word means very little. If you gave vows to make your marriage last forever, regardless of lifes problems and decide that its just to damn hard to keep your word....well, divorce may make you happier, but its still breaking your word, and still wrong. Sometimes doing the right thing is doing the difficult thing.

 

But, if youre wedding vows included ONLY staying together as long as you are happy and getting what you need....well then, I've got no problem with divorce.....but of course noone would do that because its just not romantic and dramatic enough for such an important day, is it? . If its not forever, why bother getting married? Really? Too many people fall in love with the NOTION of giving your all to someone else, but lack the sacrifice and unselfishness to keep up with it, but they sure like the way they sound on their wedding day.

 

You can give and recieve all the "standing ovations" you want. Divorce is still wrong, UNDER MOST CIRCUMSTANCES. Again, if it wasn't, they we all wouldn't have made such selfless and lofty promises, 99% of us.

 

You getting you butt beat in? Youre spouse has a guy or girl friend and won't give them up? Well, I will admit, thats makes marriage impossible. Money problems? Communication problems, MOST problems? You PROMISED to work them out. You did. I did. If we decide to simply move on, change the course of YOUR life , AS WELL as a spouses who probably doesn't want their life changed, you and I break our word. There IS no way around it.

 

There are 50% of couples out there, busted up, kids messed up (and they ARE messed up) all so we can be STYLISH.

 

Work on your marriages, as hard as you work on problems at work. Or do society a favor and don't have ANOTHER wedding day, lie to your future spouse, friends and the man above (if you believe). Just live together, date a ton of people, but no more "through thick and thin" Its not for everyone.