How to deal with "lovesickness"

[sean001]

It's over. And the reasons why at this point seem meaningless. I am more concerned now with how to move on. She is not coming back -- at least not for some time -- and there is no way I can enter the turmoil of trying to "win" her back... for she is not in love with me anymore and has a new man in her life.

 

I must stay away, because if there ever is a chance, it won't be until after she's gone through whatever she needs to go through and perhaps at that point we can reconcile... but it would probably be slowly as it would never be the same again.

 

So how do I deal with this "lovesickness"... with her always on my mind... and waking up in the middle of the night being unable to fall asleep... with the thought of her the only thing I see... my desire to have her back the only thing I feel... my physical health has suffered, although I am starting to eat more now... but I keep having conversations with her... and images of her everywhere I go... what are the steps you people have taken to get "over" someone?

 

I thought about just trying to go out and date, but the thought of another woman right now makes me sick... besides, a date only guarantees disappointment... as what I want, which is love, will not be possible in the first meeting of someone...

 

so what are some of the things you "veteran" heartbroken have done to move on from a love you felt deep into your bones and was pulled away... how do you move on? What are some of the changes you have made on a daily basis to help you cope?

[Tony T]

There are no shortcuts. Feel the pain for a period of time. Go through the grief. Eventually you will become angry and that will be the last phase before you are ready to go again. Take the power back that you gave her over you and promise not to give it to her again. Write her off totally for all time. You don't need a lady who would crush your heart to experiment with another man. She has proven herself totally unworthy. In time you will forget her. She was just another stepping stone on your way to meeting Ms. Right.

 

Healing takes time. You are correct not to run out and start dating. Find things to do for yourself, be kind to yourself, treat yourself nicely, stay busy with hobbies and friends. I tell you from experience, in time you will be mad as hell at yourself for wasting time being depressed over some unworthy bitch. Right now you are still in love with her but when reality sets in and you see what she did to you and you see just how wrong she was for you, there will be no feelings of love whatsoever.

 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could fast forward time?

[sean001]

I know you're right. And I know that in time -- probably sooner than I think -- this will be over for me. I've been through painful breakups before... and survived them all. Of course, she gave me more than any woman ever did at the worst time of my life, and it might take a bit longer to move through.

 

But I am a strong man, and now that the "pursuit" is over, each day will get easier as I no longer am wondering what I should do today to prove my love. There is no need to continue the case when the jury has already reached its verdict.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'll hang with my friends tonight.

[jenny]

loving hard and well is a source of pride, not shame. you are more powerful and more desirable for the experience.

 

but i have nothing real to add here, actually. i just wanted to say that that exchange between you and tony was touching.

 

 

j

[Vivid_29]

Talk about Deja Vu -

 

Sean - What you are going through now is what I went through about 8 weeks ago; Feelings of anxiety and desperation, haunting images of the ex, loss of appetite, ect, ect.

 

Tony's advice pretty much hit it right on the money. I don't know if you have any family near you, but spending time with the family always helps. My family and friends were very supportive of me. Just being able to talk to them can make a difference. Find that inner passion, perhaps something you enjoy doing. You can get a pet, maybe a puppy, for they will always love you unconditionally.

 

As far as your ex goes, I recommend you leave her be and let her do her thing. You may have thoughts of reconcilation, but in time that will all change. Don't put your life on hold for her, so she can go through whatever she needs to go through. Hang on to that dignity and you will see that you'll be better off without her.

 

Remember that you are not the only one going through this. Alot of us on this forum are still healing from lost loves. You are not alone and we're feeling you!

 

Good luck buddy -

[sean001]

I need help... I felt like I had made some progress until we had the final "talk" this week and the finality of everything came true. Even though she cried in my arms it was obvious that she was done with me, for reasons I think deal mostly with the new man in her life...

 

I should have never stayed there longer than necessary to get the keys to my apartment, say what I needed to say, and then leave... but I found myself wishing more would happen between us ... like the affection I used to know and love from her, but of course none happened... and I left feeling rejected and out of control...

 

so ever since she "dumped" me, she has been contacting me everyday in some form or another... on Friday, she called to see if I made it to an important meeting I had at work OK... and today she messaged me on the computer and just chatted regularly -- as if she hadn't crushed my heart this week.

 

I feel completely powerless when she calls... yesterday, when her number came up on my phone, I dropped everything to answer... today, when she messaged me, I was getting ready to head out with my friend to the city and talked ended up being late... I can't stand this!

 

I also sent her a "goodbye" letter earlier which should reach her in a couple days... it basically thanked her for being there for me and for all the good times, and wishing her good luck in her life, and letting her know I was letting go now...

 

so do I need to explain any more here? My friends say just "leave her alone"... so if she writes, calls, etc. just don't answer and don't respond. I've kind of wanted to tell her off for trashing my heart... but I really don't think anything good would come out of communication with her now... and I see her getting that letter as basically saying it all.... any advice?

[Vivid_29]

Sean - You sound like a good man. What I was going through is a mirror image of what you're going through now. I said my goodbyes and wished my ex the best, as well. She also cried in my arms. The only difference in our situations is that I work with my ex. I have to sike myself up everytime I come to the office because I know she'll be here.

 

What I recommend to you is not to totally cut her off, but at the same time, don't chase her. Show her that you can live happily without her and that you are OK with the breakup. If you do this, whether she admits it or not, she'll start to wonder about you - IE "Why is he happy? Did he get over me that fast?" If you are busy or about to do something and she calls or e-mails, tell her that you have something to do and that you'll get back to her. Don't cater to her, because if you do, you're making yourself look easy. Make her wonder a little; No harm in that.

 

Trust me buddy - If you take my advice, chances are, she'll wonder. She may not come out and say it, but she'll definately be feeling it.

 

Hope this helps -

[sean001]

Thanks, Vivid,

 

I'll take your advice... although I wonder how often she'll reach out to contact me anyway. I have to admit -- I'm completely miserable. Every woman is ugly because she is not her. I wake up 3-4 times a night in a sweat thinking about her. Another friend last night told me that I should go "propose" if I truly believe she is the one. I seriously considered the idea, but decided against it because there is no way I am proposing to someone who already has somebody else, I don't think the answer would be yes right now, and it just seems like a desperate move. I mean, I have NEVER done anything like that before -- never even considered marrying someone until her. If I'm going to pop the question, I think it's got to be at a better time than now.

 

However, if she ever came back, I would probably go there pretty quickly if it felt right. Now it doesn't.

 

So I'll just stay away for now. My goal is to go at least a week without any contact, even if she calls. I just need space away to get over all these crazy feelings, and everytime we communicate in any form, it just makes me feel worse. I'm sure it does the same to her which is why we don't talk much.

 

DAMN, why can't this just work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ok, end of rant.

[kclay21]

Sean,

Im riding that same lonely boat with you. It has been a month since me and my ex separated. I have had a gamut of emotions up to today.

 

All you have is time. What you do with that is up to you. For this whole month my every thought was her. She has the power to control my emotions. But today, Im tired. Im tired of sitting here wanting to be with her, and she is not making any decisions about coming home. Im tired of wondering if she really wants to come back. No person nor animal deserves that kind of treatment. That is just cruel to keep someone in the balance while you do the things YOU want to do. I asked her to tell me if getting back together is hopeless. She tells me she doesnt know. Here is a fact...she knows. After hearing that, I made the decision to live my life accordingly. IT IS HOPELESS. I have closed the doors, and I have taken back all the control I gave her. Right now, I feel so depressed. Not because she doesnt want to come home, but now because I have begun the journey out of the dark forest. I have given up the hope that she will return and have now started to realize that I MAY not ever be with her. I will continue to do my counseling and be a better son to my father, a better brother to my siblings, a better father to my children, and a better employee at my job. If I get the chance at this relationship or another, I will be a better person for it.

 

My advice to you: Live your life. You do sound like a good man. Have faith... If it is meant to be, it will.

 

 

kclay

[sean001]

thanks Kclay... misery loves company, right?

 

If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your situation?

[kclay21]

I didnt do all the things that made her feel that she was the one. I cocooned myself after my mother's death. In short, I got complacent. I thought she would always be there no matter what the condition. She felt she loved me more than herself, and that she needed time to heal from it. Thusly, she left.

 

Through the course of the separation, I realized the mistakes I made and their results. It has made me a better person and I want to show her I can be the man she wants. One thing, though... she is not accepting now.

 

kclay

[Fancy]

Sean, you need to cut ALL contact with her and keep it that way. Every time you talk to her you're opening up the wound again. Don't think for a second she doesn't know this and is taking full advantage of it. She's already got a new man and she's having a massive ego trip knowing she can pull your puppet strings. Take back your dignity!! This pain you're feeling is only temporary, but it will last and last as long as you keep being her puppy dog. Let her go! Her ACTIONS are stating she doesn't want you. If she did, she'd dump the new guy. It's really that simple. If you want to stop hurting, you know the answer........stay away.

[moggy]

I found something helpful.

 

I heard somewhere to keep a journal and write everything you feel. So I did.

 

It was very cleansing. I cried, I got angry, I analyzed but most imortantly I saw the truth, the reality of the situation and of the one that broke my heart..

 

I spiralled back and forth through different emotions in one day.

 

Then I went to a club and made out with someone cute. Didn't plan too... But this too helped me see the truth.

 

What I missed was that closeness, having someone adore me, comfort me, desire me. I felt a connection. Have no idea where it came from or why, but i realized that I could feel...and that my ex wasn't the only one out there that could make me feel, that there could be someone else out there for me, someone better, someone who would treat me better, someone who would want me and not dump me like my ex did.

 

I felt more of a connection with that stranger in the club than I ever did with my ex and I really don't know why. But now I know that I can find it again, and even better than before.

 

A **** souled ex who dumps you for another guy and then flaunts it in your face keeping contact for some ego boost while you suffer is no prize or catch.

 

You can find better than that. And after you go through all the grief you possibly can you will realize this.

[maui2k4]

About 2 1/2 months ago my ex and I broke up after a rocky year together. However, over the last 2 months we still had contact and I still did things for her and on occasion we were still intimate. Last week that all changed and she ended up wanting her key back and cutting all ties. It was like breaking up all over again. She is 33 and divorced and to make things worse, I saw her driving her car to her apt with another man in it on her b-day last week. That was something I would rather have not seen. In the end, I wish that back in late July I had just broken all ties then and moved on. As a result of not doing so I wasted another two months and ended up still getting dumped and she has her ego built up to the max. All I need to to is continue to not contact her (last contact was via email on Friday morning) and go for at least a few weeks. Will she call me? Will she email me? I have no idea. This would be the first time since we broke up that I would be backing away completely. This will not bring her back, but it will help me move on. I would rather not lose her, but I know I deserve to be treated with respect which she does not show me.

 

For the first time I have to do what is necessary and look forward not back. I have tried everything to win her back , but I can guarantee any emails or letters or voicemails about how I want her back will do me no good what so ever. I want the pain to go away and to not think about her when I get up and when I go to bed every night. More and more distance will allow that to happen and for me to move on. I have been through this before, but never is it easy. I think someone wrote "don't you wish you could fast forward a few months" - yes - I do... It will be interesting to see how things progress for me moving forward. I will wonder about her and will wonder if she thinks about me. In time this will all fade and someone else will be by my side that wants to be there. It may be a thought I do not like right now, but it will happen... Time is unfortunately the only medicine to mend a broken heart...

[sean001]

I went crazy all weekend... tried to get her off my mind, but just kept thinking and thinking... I spent all time with my friends, went to the city, tried to get my mind off it --but NOTHING worked. So finally, I broke down and called her Sunday and said "I have to talk to her."

 

I thought I had something to say when I went over, but the truth is -- I just wanted to see her. And of course we talked, and cried, and it was so darn emotional. I know she still loves me -- it was obvious -- but she is so confused about everything right now.

 

I worry that if I completely break all contact, I'm done (out of sight... out of mind), but obviously I can't continue to see her and have us break down all the time -- it's truly NO FUN and we used to laugh together all the time. It's what got us close in the beginning.

 

I don't know, the whole thing just feels wrong and I think that either way, I need to take vivid's advice and just be "less available"... not too easy... but not completely out of the picture either so she feels comfortable enought to talk to me if she feels she wants to come back. Inside, though, I know I need to let this go. It's really out of my hands.

[kclay21]

I feel so sorry for you. I have been down that road. Im still there quite honestly. You should do what you feel is best. You may ask us for advice, but it is totally up to you to decide what you want.

 

My best advice: Do what makes you feel better...

 

 

kclay

[virch]

...you and all others...listen to Tony...he is the one

[sean001]

...so after having that "talk" there was no contact for a couple days and then out of the blue *poof* get a phone call today from her after work while she is stuck in traffic... and she was just ranting on and on about how bad it is, etc. not talking about anything of REAL significance (like US)... Of course, I'm staring at the phone thinking "why are you calling me?" and I was on my way to an appointment and hung up with her after 5 minutes.

 

I was starting to feel a better after another couple days of sleepless nights and then her phone call confused me.

 

So I got some advice that I'm going to take -- next time she calls, writes, etc. and she is acting like "nothing is wrong" and just talking BS, I'm going to lay it out -- "I've told you how I feel, you I want a relationship with you, now please don't call me until you are ready to sit down face to face and talk about what relationship you want to have, because it just hurts too much." (I'm still debating on the "hurts too much" part -- maybe too much power at this point).

 

The bottom line is that I got no resolution on the "what she wants" issue last time we talked, and I'm just too damn tired of waiting in the wings. She means a lot to me and I would be willing to work at the "be friends" at some level if that's truly what she wants, but we'd have talk exactly where the lines are in this new "friendship." (and I'm still skeptical I could maintain it anyway). I can't pretend that I have no feelings here, and I suspect that she is just keeping me around until she figures out if there is anything with this other guy. That's not a position I'm willing to be in.

[desperate]

****Sorry--this is very opinionated, and perhaps way off base. These are just my thoughts.****

 

What we have here is a very sad situation. It's like a big funnel and every move the both of you make sends you to the bottom and pretty soon, you're both going to fall out into oblivion.

 

She is controlling you. She is calling you for no reason, because she is "checking up" on you to make sure that you are still miserable. As long as she knows that you are, she knows that you are still an option in case her "other man" doesn't work out.

 

Stop giving her control! I know that it is difficult, my wife just left me 3 1/2 weeks ago. IT TOTALLY SUCKS! But what you have to take into consideration is if you want to ruin the friendship you had with this girl.

 

The more control you give her over your emotions, the more she will abuse you because she knows that as long as she is in control, she can do what she wants. The more control you give her, the more miserable you are going to be. VICIOUS CYCLE!

 

You need to suck it up and let her go. Don't mean to be blunt, but that is really the only way to end this cycle. You have to teach yourself to accept that she is gone forever--doesn't mean she is gone forever, you just have to accept that she is. If you need to, just repeat it to yourself over and over. Cry if you can. Accept the pain, feel the pain. Once you give in to feeling the pain, it will have less power over you.

 

You need to be O.K. with having her call you all the time. I'm not saying that you should answer everytime, but when you do, just be Sean, not "sad, pitiful Sean."

 

If you have any hopes of remaining friends with this girl, then just love her. Just allow yourself to feel the pain and the pain will fade away. The more you tell her about how you feel, she will just feel sorry for you, and perhaps feel guilty. Nobody on the face of the earth wants to "be" with someone they feel guilty around and someone they feel sorry for. The more you get use to loving her simply because she is who she is, the more used to the idea of being friends you will be.

 

If you don't want to be friends with her at the end of this whole mess....then follow your advice.

[sean001]

...I do appreciate your advice, and it MAY be the right thing to do-- if only I could do it.

 

I just want to leave this situation with my dignity intact, and I can't have any dignity with a woman who is playing games with my emotions. That's a bad way to start a "friendship" with someone, and since I have too many emotions wrapped up in this situation, at this point, I couldn't be a good friend to her anyway. I mean, what are we going to talk about? issues with her new man????? F*** that!

 

The bottom line is that if she says to me "let's be friends" (which she hasn't really said), then I'll work with her on that -- at a pace we're both comfortable with. But right now, she knows how much I'm hurting and to be treating me like just "some guy" is intolerable.

 

I've already begun to let go to a certain extent. The nights are not as dreadful as they used to be, and I am starting to see my life without her. But everytime she calls or writes, etc., it just sparks up all of that garbage again and I won't let her to continue to do that to me.

 

Again, this is a choice for ME, not for "us," which there isn't really any "us" right now as it stands. If we're just going to be friends, that's something we can easily work on a month from now, so long as I don't leave the situation scarred. At this pace, that is what will happen.

[sean001]

ok, here is how the confusion of love is -- I reconsidered the idea of "laying down the line" and decided that, in reality, what the hell am I doing here? I almost feel like an ass that I spent so much time and effort trying to show my love for her, where none got reciprocated... in some ways, I feel "pathetic." So I took a good hard look at our relationship and realized that it wasn't really that great -- she has some issues and, in reality, we probably aren't really that compatible. Even though I wanted to give this an honest chance more than anything else in the world, I feel like I'm finally "done." Ready to set this free and see if it returns....

 

Maybe I'll talk to her if she calls.... maybe I won't.... I really have no idea about it at this point.

[jjenkins70]

Group,

 

First off, I was reading over this thread, and man, it was so on key with what I am going through. THe long & short of it, my live in g/f of over a year decided to move home (2 1/2 hours away) to go back to college Not wanting to do the long distance thing (had bad experiences with that) we decided to break up.

 

At the time of break-up she had lied to me about some major issues, faught alot iwth me, and I just didn't feel that she was worth a long distance relatinship.

 

Now that she is gone, I feel that I wasn't thinking clearly during that time. I look back now, and see the love that I had for her, and that it was covered up by my anger from her lies.

 

Right now, I feel that I would do anything to get her back, even though I don't want to spend my life with her (not when i was with her, although now I wish I could spend my life iwth her).

 

It's almost like my brain is playing tricks on me. We broke up about 3 weeks ago...I was traveling on business, and didn't talk to her much (thought it would help)...but my second day in my apt...without her...i just lost it and broke down.

 

Many things in life make no since, so I ask "how do you get over the I want you back in my life even though I didn't before" phase, and why is love so cruel.

 

I hope that I can be as much help for this group as you have been for me thus far.

 

Thanks

[OucHmyHearT]

this sounds so much like my situation...and i mean...it really sux that so many people can relate...but its comforting to know that i'm not the only one..going through all this ****...

 

One big thing is that i am sooo angry with myself for being so weak..pathetic....she was my first gf..and it lasted 3 years. she was my first kiss my first everything....we broke up 3 months ago...i broke down hard....she always told me how she still loved me...but she was seeing other guys already....

 

i know i dont deserve any of that because i was always good to her...but i kept coming back...even IF she was with a guy...i was always right there as her little puppy...i showed her my weakness and told her my feelings constantly...now i look bad and know i did wrong...but then...felt like there was nothing else i could have done....i've never been a really emotional guy in my life..so now that so many emotions are coming out...dunno how to deal....

 

so now..i am in the same boat as well....trying to get over her...but its hard as hell...the thought of her consumes me...i find myself waking up in the middle of the night...waking up wayyy early in the morning with the thought of her and another guy....i dont want to lose her...but i think its always been lost....i'm just having a hard time accepting that we may not be together ever again...

[jessica0303]

Well my story is me and my boyfriend just broke up a couple of days ago. I feel the same as you guys do. i dont want to go out anymore, i dont feel like eating, i cant sleep..im miserable.. i fell like i need him.. we spent a over a year together and we broke up because he has a baby and he had to make a very big decision..me or his child? which i understand he would choose his child..im not mad at him and i know that he loves me.. its just not fair that his baby's mom had to make him choose...i feel like its the end of the world. i love him so much and think of him every second. he even gave me a promise ring lik 3 weeks ago. I hope the paijn does go away.. but when?

[Shattered]

Hi Jessica.

 

I know exactly what you're going through. That's something everyone says and you just want to give them a smack in the face.......but in this instance it's kind of true. My situation is different, but the end result is the same.

 

My girlfriend is moving to another country for a year and wants to break up coz she's had bad experiences with long distance relationships. I'm absolutely crazy about her and I think she feels the same. But unfortunately, when the songs says "sometimes love just ain't enough", it turns out to be true.

 

There is nothing I wouldn't do to be with this girl and it's just so frustrating when circumstances get to dictate what happens with a person.

 

She's the first thing I think about in the morning, the last at night and she's in there all day running through every thought I have, even if it's totally unrelated to her.

 

She's abroad now for three weeks, home for two then gone for a year from the start of September, but when I dropped her to the airport saying goodbye practically killed me and I've been in the worst mood of my life for the past week. I can't tell you when it's going to get better for you or for me. All I can tell you is that it eventually will. It HAS to, even though everything loses its flavour. Simple things become an effort and you couldn't care less about meeting anyone new.

 

Don't be afraid to wallow in it for a while. Grind your teeth. Shake your fist at the sky and curse the universe. Ring everyone in your phone book and pour your heart out until you're tired of talking about it.

 

Hope this helped.....if you feel as crap as I do it probably didn't tho