OneFootOut Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Apples and Oranges. Jane loves apples, she NEEDS apples to feel loved, appreciated, and fulfilled. Joe loves oranges, he NEEDS oranges to feel loved, appreciated, and fulfilled. If Jane would give Joe oranges, and he would give her apples, the relationship would work beautifully. They would each be getting what they needed from the other. The problem is, while Jane continues to give Joe oranges, he keeps giving her oranges as well. *He thinks because oranges make him feel loved, appreciated, and fulfilled that they should be enough and do the same for her.* He doesn't get why she keeps asking for apples, they don't do a thing for him, so he never gives her any. The relationship is doomed. Joe will be bewildered, because his arms are full of oranges and he feels OK and thinks everything is fine. Jane is tired of trying to make him understand that she NEEDS apples... so she leaves empty handed to go seek them. (Of course the story goes the same vice-versa, and maybe Joe walks away in the end.) This is an easy concept. We each need to first identify what our own apple or orange IS. Then make this info crystal clear to our partner. If he/she is incapable or unwilling to give you the 'fruit' you need, then its time to part ways. Also, we each need to realize that just because one 'fruit' works for us, doesn't mean it will for our partner. We need to make every effort to give them the 'fruit' they need, whether or not we understand why it works for them. Link to post Share on other sites
stillshocked Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I read a lot about this in the 5 love languages. Opened my eyes to a lot in my marriage and relationship with parents, etc. Gave it to my separating partner to read as well. The problem is that usually (at least for me) there is an initial period of resentment and reluctance to change when you are giving your partner love and they don't feel it and are telling you that they are 'unhappy'. By the time I understand and was willing to change, it was too late. Didn't make a difference but at least I have more understanding for next time and can bring a whole basket of fruit. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Bananas. They do it for me every time.... To carry the metaphor forward a bit, fruit salad has a lot going for it. Mix and match, share and enjoy. Add a little bit of sherry and balsamic vinegar for pep and variety. Link to post Share on other sites
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