To the WS's If the shoe were on the other foot.......

[Dexter Morgan]

would you agree to let your BS do as you did out of "equity"?

 

Now I'm not saying whatsoever I'd condone this or that this is what BS's should do. Just throwing out a question to see how the WS's would like it.

 

If you cheat on your spouse, and lets say your spouse says, "ok, well you got to go out and mess around, its only fair I get to.....so this Saturday, you will stay home with the kids as you made me do, and I will go out with my friends and find someone for me to mess around with"

 

Would you be ok with that?

 

Keep in mind....I realize that if a BS said this, then there would be something about them that isn't trustworthy either. And the thought of doing something like this wouldn't enter my mind if faced with a cheating partner. I'm just curious what a WS or wayward partner would say.

 

 

So what would you do as the WS in this case? Would you agree to let your "victim" sew their oats a few weekends if they said they felt the need after what you did?

[PandorasBox]

I don't think I would....

 

Although, I had a friend a few years back, whose husband cheated on her. They reconciled and put the marriage back together, but he did tell her to go cheat and to do what he did her, that because he cheated and caused her pain he thought it was ok she went and did the same to him. She told him that was ridiculas and she wasn't going to do that, because two wrongs don't make a right. To my knowledge she never did that to him.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think I would....

 

Although, I had a friend a few years back, whose husband cheated on her. They reconciled and put the marriage back together, but he did tell her to go cheat and to do what he did her, that because he cheated and caused her pain he thought it was ok she went and did the same to him.

 

I'm sure he told her that knowing she wouldn't do it if she was worth her salt. And if she DID end up doing it, he wouldn't have been ok with it...but really, he'd wouldn't have much to say about it I would think.

 

 

She told him that was ridiculas and she wasn't going to do that, because two wrongs don't make a right. To my knowledge she never did that to him.

 

She proved why he wasn't worthy of her. he better thank his lucky stars every day that a good woman wanted to keep his trifilin' butt:cool:

[GorillaTheater]

It's an interesting question. I've spent some time reading alot of other threads on these forums, and the conclusion I came to after that bit of anecdotal evidence is that getting laid is the quickest way for the BS of putting the hurt of betrayal behind him/her. I've seen guys carry on for months under this crushing weight of emotions after a wife's affair comes to light, and then I'll read Lorenzo's thread where it was almost like a switch was flipped emotionally after he boffed the OM's wife. Didn't make it right, and brought down an avalanche of other problems, but the bottom line (like I said, as far as I can see) is that getting a bit of sexual revenge is the quickest way to get over the hurt of betrayal.

 

So the choice comes down to doing the right thing and dealing with a two-year-long recovery process, or getting your rocks off thus short-circuiting the recovery process but becoming someone you don't particularly like.

[PandorasBox]

I'm sure he told her that knowing she wouldn't do it if she was worth her salt. And if she DID end up doing it, he wouldn't have been ok with it...but really, he'd wouldn't have much to say about it I would think.

 

 

 

 

She proved why he wasn't worthy of her. he better thank his lucky stars every day that a good woman wanted to keep his trifilin' butt:cool:

 

 

I agree...I have never quite understood that relationship anyway. Its one of those situations where if she wants a baby she will jump on him like bees to honey. BUT for the most part they don't really have sex alot is what she has told me, by HER choice not his. There is always an excuse with her as to why she doesn't want to. I'm not sayign they NEVER do, but according to her its not often at all. She tells me she truly believes he only cheated the one time, and hasn't done it since and it was years ago. He told her the reason he did it to begin with was her always naggaing got the best of him and he made a mistake. She also told me he never satistfies himself either because he "just doesn't do that kind of thing".

 

The only thing I can figure is, if he is going without it, he must have gotten used to and has just accepted this is the way his life is supposed to be. Do you think that some people can do that? Not have sex and not stray because they just repress it and train themselves to not want it, because they figure they are not going to get it anyway?

[Trimmer]

It's an interesting question. I've spent some time reading alot of other threads on these forums, and the conclusion I came to after that bit of anecdotal evidence is that getting laid is the quickest way for the BS of putting the hurt of betrayal behind him/her. I've seen guys carry on for months under this crushing weight of emotions after a wife's affair comes to light, and then I'll read Lorenzo's thread where it was almost like a switch was flipped emotionally after he boffed the OM's wife. Didn't make it right, and brought down an avalanche of other problems, but the bottom line (like I said, as far as I can see) is that getting a bit of sexual revenge is the quickest way to get over the hurt of betrayal.

 

So the choice comes down to doing the right thing and dealing with a two-year-long recovery process, or getting your rocks off thus short-circuiting the recovery process but becoming someone you don't particularly like.

 

I understand what you are saying, but I question whether it really "gets one over" the hurt of betrayal, or if it just adds another source of drama and emotion that makes it all seem more balanced.

 

If you're carrying a weight on one side, you can add weight to the other side - it will feel more balanced, but you are still carrying a staggering burden. Alternately, you can figure out how to put that weight down and release yourself from the burden altogether.

 

Betrayal changes you; going out and "getting yours" changes you as well (as you point out with your becoming someone you don't particularly like" comment...) but I don't know that it reverses or heals the trauma of the initial betrayal.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow lorenzo had revenge sex with the OM's wife??!?!

 

Wow that was the ultimate! but all joking aside.

 

I know if she cheated and she told me to revenge cheat to equal the table I wouldnt need to, leaving her would be the next best thing, especially if she aint doing jack to earn my trust, why make things worse you know. I could get women that aint a problem. but I would have to live with the damage I just inflicted.

[Spark1111]

It has been offered in the heat of discussion of my WS's affair, but certainly not with any sincerity. More along the lines of if we are even, then will you leave this alone? And of course, that is impossible, with or without a revenge affair.

 

Interesting to note: The deception of an affair is by itself a controlling act. Not only do they have the spice of someone new, they certainly do not want to offer the same option to you, otherwise, why the secrecy? Why not tell the truth and separate for awhile, or indefinitely, as you work on the marriage with MC and both have the opportunity to date? Because they want you to remain their "Plan B" in case the affair does not work out.

 

All around, a very, very selfish thing to inflict on an unsuspecting spouse.

 

When I had thrown him out, as he was in a total fog trying to figure out which woman he wanted (BS or the OW), I asked him, "What if, after six months of separation, I want to date someone? You have treated me terribly, and now I know it was because of her. Would you still want to reconcile then?" His answer, somewhat angry "Probably not." See how self-serving they are? It is all about meeting their OWN NEEDS.

 

I did consider a revenge affair for the reason not so much to hurt him, but because in the initial devastation of DDAY, I questioned why I had been so faithful? I played by the rules and what did it get me? Betrayed in the worst way possible. And the blow to my confidence was horrible. For the first time in my life, I felt ugly. Could my ego have used a boost? You bet.

 

But it would have been soooo short-lived and have solved nothing. I would have lost my self-respect, and at that moment in time that is all I had.

You would all be amazed at all the confidants that encouraged that course of action, you really would be.Tit for tat. Very self-destructive.

 

Thank God that faded fast and rationality returned. It is a rediculous suggestion, one I believe is another deflection from the cheater having to examine their own motives. And, as a parent, this family CAN NEVER be hurt by infidelity, again. I mean, how do these people not think about the consequences of their actions on their children?

[2sure]

I posed this question to my WS after D-Day.

He admitted he would divorce me immediately.

Which still kind of pisses me off.

[Island Girl]

I know if she cheated and she told me to revenge cheat to equal the table I wouldnt need to, leaving her would be the next best thing, especially if she aint doing jack to earn my trust, why make things worse you know. I could get women that aint a problem. but I would have to live with the damage I just inflicted.

 

I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to sink to that level.

I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror knowing I had cheapened myself in such a way.

I also wouldn't want to alleviate his guilt by giving him the opportunity to say, even to himself, "she did it too".

 

But then again I care about myself enough that I would never play second place to anyone for any amount of time. I wouldn't vie for a man's attention.

If he doesn't know what a good woman is and how to treat one then I know there is one out there who does.

So maybe since the response was supposed to be from "WS"s I shouldn't be posting here...

[kaly6177]

I wouldn't offer it as a way of "evening" things out as I don't think it would be healthy at all for anyone involved. If he did do something as a way of revenge because of what I have done, then I would understand and wouldn't be a hypocrite and walk out on him. I would give him the same chance as he has given me.

 

My H did have a short term EA with a MW he worked with after I left. I found out about it after he and I started talking again about reconciling, he told me. He admitted that the affair should not have happened, and the reason for it was that he felt very lost after I left him because of my own affair. He turned to the woman because she offered a shoulder to cry on for him, and I don't blame him for turning to her.

 

I honestly am not angry or don't feel betrayed with what he did. Am I jealous of the relationship he had with the OW? Of course, only because I love my husband and wishes to God that I had not put our family in this situation, and maybe he would not have had to go through all of the emotions he went/and still going through.

[jwi71]

I posed this question to my WS after D-Day.

He admitted he would divorce me immediately.

Which still kind of pisses me off.

 

Meh.

 

Means nothing.

 

My W told me the same thing...D me in a heartbeat.

 

I responded "Why?"

 

Never did get a straight answer. You know, think I'll bring it up tonight. Lets see if she has thought any deeper than a knee jerk response.

[2sure]

I never brought it up again. His answer is not going to change.

He knows I would not cheat. Sigh. To have that implicit trust - I'm almost there again, but not quite.

Anyway, when I asked him why the double standard - he said he knew I was better than him, and that I just had to be.

[lostsoulmate]

if you live by the golden rule and cheat, you have already gave permission, right?

 

"Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you."

[Nikki Sahagin]

No because 2 wrongs do not make a right.

 

Also if they decided to do this, it would either come from a place of vengeance which in turn would not be productive, OR it would be because they too secretly desired to cheat and now have the free reign to do so.

 

I think if someone chooses to forgive you they forgive you and you take PRODUCTIVE steps to work things through. But an eye for an eye won't really level the playing field. The other half will then probably only feel guilt and self-loathing that they then did the same thing that there partner did to them. I mean if you were cheated on, would you really want to cheat back? I personally wouldn't. I would know how it made me feel and not want to make them feel the same (even if they had hurt me in that way).

[2sure]

In real life, and especially in marriage, that just doesnt work or make sense.

[LovieDove24]

How come no actual WS's responded to this post? Didn't like the stirring it caused inside?

[lostsoulmate]

How come no actual WS's responded to this post? Didn't like the stirring it caused inside?

 

I have been the cheated on and the cheater. Both places suck. No pun intended (although funny).

 

If he did, then I would see it as karma.

 

If you are a religious person, doesn't the bible say something about an eye for an eye... and most marriages are bound in the eyes of GOD.

 

I think I read here on LS somewhere that humans are animals. And with that goes animal instincts, bataboom batabing.

 

Someone else said somewhere shyte happens.

 

To each there own. Everyone has and opinion and an as*hole. Thank goodness!

[kaly6177]

I wouldn't offer it as a way of "evening" things out as I don't think it would be healthy at all for anyone involved. If he did do something as a way of revenge because of what I have done, then I would understand and wouldn't be a hypocrite and walk out on him. I would give him the same chance as he has given me.

 

My H did have a short term EA with a MW he worked with after I left. I found out about it after he and I started talking again about reconciling, he told me. He admitted that the affair should not have happened, and the reason for it was that he felt very lost after I left him because of my own affair. He turned to the woman because she offered a shoulder to cry on for him, and I don't blame him for turning to her.

 

I honestly am not angry or don't feel betrayed with what he did. Am I jealous of the relationship he had with the OW? Of course, only because I love my husband and wishes to God that I had not put our family in this situation, and maybe he would not have had to go through all of the emotions he went/and still going through.

 

Reposting for LovieDove24.

[LovieDove24]

Wait isn't WS the one who did the cheatin? Kaly you were cheated ON.

[kaly6177]

Wait isn't WS the one who did the cheatin? Kaly you were cheated ON.

 

Actually I cheated first. My H turned to the OW after I left because of my affair. And to be honest with you, I really don't consider what he did cheating. I know some will probably say it was because we were still married, but honestly I put him in that situation and pretty much given him a reason to be hateful towards me.

[LovieDove24]

Ohh thanks for the clarification! I wasn't familiar with your story! Nice of you to step up to the plate and share your story even though I'm sure its difficult. You sound as if you are in a better place then when you had the A--remorseful and whatnot. Best of luck to you and your H...if you guys are still together. Sorry still not 100% up on your story!

[pelicanpreacher]

I never brought it up again. His answer is not going to change.

He knows I would not cheat. Sigh. To have that implicit trust - I'm almost there again, but not quite.

Anyway, when I asked him why the double standard - he said he knew I was better than him, and that I just had to be.

 

Your husband's response was so clever that it has been added to the Player's Handbook, LOL!

 

Reminds me of my younger wilder days when I approached a waitress with my best "Big Eyed in the Big City" look and asked her where she was from? She answered that she was from Ethiopia. I followed up with "Are all Ethiopian women as beautiful as you"? All she could do was stare wordlessly at me with a wide grin of beautiful white teeth. She soon returned to my table with her older sister and guess what?... I ran the same game again by simply giving another one of my infamous "wide eyed innocence" looks and breathlessly said to them ... "Wow, all Ethiopian women are beautiful, huh"? Same reaction from the both of them! What happened after that is a story for another forum, LOL!!

 

As for cheating for the sake of reciprocity, though I recall Lorenzo's story well, there was another poster (I can't remember her name) who cheated on her husband who in turn tried cheating on her 3 times but could not come to terms with her infidelity and ended up shouting a bunch of vulgarities at her before splitting! I think that unless the BS has achieved the same level of emotional fulfillment experienced by the WS during their revenge affair they end up feeling more hollow, lost, angry, and despairing because they only get frustrated at the fact that no matter who they boink they can't seem to balance the scales of their own sense of inner justice! Though Lorenzo felt finished with his marriage and was doing it mainly to destroy the OM, even with the complications of deepening emotions being expressed by his OW, he still ended up frustrated because he couldn't rise to the same level of commitment his OW or WS achieved!

 

In the end its best for the BS to work through the painful tramau of the infidelity through less self destructive means for pursuing an affair only worsens their plight no matter what direction it takes. JMO!

[Spark1111]

I never brought it up again. His answer is not going to change.

He knows I would not cheat. Sigh. To have that implicit trust - I'm almost there again, but not quite.

Anyway, when I asked him why the double standard - he said he knew I was better than him, and that I just had to be.

 

2sure,

 

I too was told that I was also "the stronger one."

[Dexter Morgan]

and then I'll read Lorenzo's thread where it was almost like a switch was flipped emotionally after he boffed the OM's wife. Didn't make it right, and brought down an avalanche of other problems, but the bottom line (like I said, as far as I can see) is that getting a bit of sexual revenge is the quickest way to get over the hurt of betrayal.

 

I think the best way to get over the hurt of betrayal was to get rid of the betrayer. I don't think, if I were to prescribe to this way of thinking, that having sex with someone else would have done the trick. It would still be weighing on my mind what the wife did.

 

Only way to relieve the stress on my mind was to make my wife, now x-wife, insignificant.