Accepting a life without love or sex

[Superloser]

I'm almost 37-years-old. I've never been asked on a date (yes, that makes me a virgin). I asked a few guys years ago; they all ran away. There's nothing physically attractive about me. I don't wish to lie or put on a disguise to grab a man. My mother told me to dress like a hooker, pick up a drunk man, and get myself pregnant so she could be a grandmother. That's about the only way that would happen. But, not a great idea!

 

I recently tried on-line dating at a new site and thought I found a great guy. He said I had "natural beauty." That's the first and only time a non-relative, non-old man has said anything like that to me. Usually, it's "God d*** she's ugly!" But, when I told him I wanted to chat via e-mail for a little bit (not long) before calling him (to build up trust), he became really rude, and it was over. I've been on half a dozen on-line dating sites for over a decade, and this was the first good looking guy who contacted me. I've contacted dozens of guys on web sites and never get a response. I'm independant because I have to be. I thought I had given up on the idea of ever being kissed, touched, married, having kids, etc. How do I accept that I will always be alone? Don't tell me that I don't have to because it's fairly obvious! My obsession to find someone is taking time away from doing useful things. I have too much time to think; work is kind of slow. Hence, I'm here. I guess I'm looking for affirmation that I'm a total loser and not any glimmer of hope. I need to squish that hope so I can function.

[gopher]

I seriously doubt anyone is going to affirm you in that thinking. I guess my question for you is, what are you doing with your life? Are you sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself or are you enjoying hobbies, friends and making a difference in your community. Your past is not your future....find things that you enjoy doing and who knows, you may come in contact with an entirely new group of people, and maybe you'll meet a guy. But, maybe you won't...either way, it would be more fun than sitting home having a pity party.

 

Update us as you go forward. Nothing is ever hopeless unless you decide that it is.

[curiousnycgirl]

I've been on half a dozen on-line dating sites for over a decade, and this was the first good looking guy who contacted me.

 

A lot of what you posted disturbed me on many levels, but the above just confuses me. You were quite clear that you do not think that you are attractive, yes you appear to only be interested in a good looking man. What is up with that?!

 

Something is just not jiving for me.

[39388]

I am similar to the OP in many ways.

 

You are not alone.

 

I am a male just a couple of years younger than you and I have never ever had even one date and have many of the same fears as you have. Nobody that I know of has been physically attracted to me, at least not enough to want to date me. I also am highly educated and have a high IQ, the book smart thing I guess. I made my "name" on here a number somehwat becuase I was feeling down on myself and it seems your name shows that you were likely down also.

 

I saw your other thread. You seem very critical of yourself, but when I saw your pictures you were much better than how you described yourself.

 

It seems like with me I am often in good moods and smile a lot. Then when I start thinking about how alone I am I get really down on myself and sometimes say things I regret out of bitterness. You seemed down throught your thread, but maybe you are not down all the time. I feel there is hope of finding love on the days I am not down.

 

I know I will have to be willing to go out of my comfort zone if I ever want to find somebody. I think I dress average, but I may need to dress better. I will have to take more chances when talking to people. It will not be easy at first, especially since so many people think of dating as a game. That bothers me so much. I hope I can somehow find somebody. I hope you can too.

[Disillusioned]

I'm almost 37-years-old. I've never been asked on a date (yes, that makes me a virgin). I asked a few guys years ago; they all ran away.

 

So what? I'm a 41-yo man who has never had sex, and I see no need to. Sex won't pay my bills, sister. The guys who ran are obviously not worth your time.

 

My mother told me to dress like a hooker, pick up a drunk man, and get myself pregnant so she could be a grandmother. That's about the only way that would happen. But, not a great idea!

 

When my mother was still alive, she thought of me as her prize stallion. She would ask me, "when am I going to have some grandkids?" I told her, when she can go to a Third World country and buy some on the black market.

 

I recently tried on-line dating at a new site and thought I found a great guy.

 

That was mistake #1... if you don't want to make mistake #2, first thing you need to do is turn things around 180 degrees. Sure, I'm a middle-aged male virgin, but I've owned 2 companies, have a steady job and no debt, I never spent a day in jail, and I can go on and on about things that make me a "nice guy"... but there are still people out there who'd call me a loser. The key is to know it's their loss, not mine or yours. Why should you feel sorry for yourself, because they keep getting stuck with the jerks?

[dvsxx6]

I'm almost 37-years-old. I've never been asked on a date (yes, that makes me a virgin). I asked a few guys years ago; they all ran away. There's nothing physically attractive about me. I don't wish to lie or put on a disguise to grab a man. My mother told me to dress like a hooker, pick up a drunk man, and get myself pregnant so she could be a grandmother. That's about the only way that would happen. But, not a great idea!

First of all, I'm sure there are things that are physically attractive about you. Hope this doesn't offend you [which it probably will] but your mother should be ashamed of herself for saying those things to you. She sounds/sounded extremely selfish to place her wants/needs on you just cause she wanted a grandchild. Do you still have a relationship with her? It sounds to me like you may have had a troubled upbringing, maybe this has an impact on your self-esteem. I mean, for your mother to say to "dress like a hooker/pick up a drunk man and get pregnant?", I can't imagine what other kinds of things she must have said to you and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

Usually, it's "God d*** she's ugly!"

I am not making fun of you when I say this but would people honestly say this about you or are you saying this/thinking this about yourself?

 

How do I accept that I will always be alone? Don't tell me that I don't have to because it's fairly obvious! My obsession to find someone is taking time away from doing useful things. I have too much time to think; work is kind of slow. Hence, I'm here. I guess I'm looking for affirmation that I'm a total loser and not any glimmer of hope. I need to squish that hope so I can function.

I can see how this can constantly plague you and make you feel very frustrated and sad. First of all, you don't have to accept that you're going to be alone. As frustrating as it may seem, you must continue to hold onto hope. Where have you been meeting these guys? Have you tried several different locations? I too have a problem with meeting the guys and really, I believe it's about opportunity and timing. You may be 37 but maybe you haven't had many opportunities or met the 'right' person at the right time. It's possible. Some peoples' lives tend to be routine and monotonous, which results in not having much stimulation or opportunities to meet new people.

 

Keep me updated on how things go. Good luck

 

BTW, in my opinion, your name "superloser" isn't very nice/uplifting. If you continue thinking those things about yourself, inevitably, your personality will show it and ultimately, that low/negative energy you have about yourself will be apparent to others. Don't do that to yourself. Keep posting on here and let me help you. [i'm a psychology major]