jilliant Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 So, long story short. My mother was never ever there for me as a child. I basically raised myself, she would go out partying every night and leave me home alone. I used to sleep in the bathroom because I was scared. I was molested when I was a child and I told her and she never talked to me about it again. Growing up, she was always tough on me and took my money that I got from family members or savings. She was never at school for me and I have basically always taken a backburner to her life and lifestyle. When I was 17 she got me a car and she was upset with me one day and I slept at a boyfriends house and she told the police I stole it and they came to my house the next day threatening to arrest me(I was living with my Dad at this point). She got remarried and my stepfather makes A LOT of money and she never tries to make up for anything now. Like she has "diva days" at her house all the time and invites her friends over and they have a masseuse, a lady that does dermabrasion(sp?) and they drink champagne all day...she has never invited me to one of these. She never thinks of me and goes out of her war for me. Recently in the past few years I have gained 40 pounds, I used to be 115, now I am about 155 and she always tells me that I need to lose weight and that she carries her weight so much better than me even though we are the same size, height and weight. She had tummy tucks and other liposuction, so I don't know how she can even say something like that. She brings my brother and her dog over to our house whenever she wants to so that we can babysit on a Saturday night so that she can go out and party. If we say no, it's the end of the world, even if we have plans already. If i say that we have plans, she talks sarcastically and tries to insinuate that we would never have plans because we don't ever go out(we do stay in a lot because of money, but we definitely have plans sometimes lol) She knows that we are low on money and she has A LOT and she never even gives us money when she brings my brother over, so we can't even take him out unless we pay for it, which we don't even have enough to go out by ourselves a lot of the time. I got in a bad car accident and I couldn't drive and she had to bring me to the doctor's 3 times and it was the end of the world. She would torture me about it for a week and then the whole way to the doctor and back. She says everytime I call her that I am aggravated and last time she hung up on me. I have a serious injury right now and I probably am really moody than usual, but I am really hurt and being my mother, you would think she is there for me, but she isn't at all. Anyway, this is the icing on the cake. My husband and I wanted to elope, but she was really embarassed by this, because they have a lot of money and their friends are all high class snobs that would talk about her if she didn't throw a wedding for us. So, we got married in the town hall in August and she said she wouldn't tell her friends and that she was going to throw a huge wedding in June 2009, a few months from now. Well, we have been planning, the hall is booked, the dress was ordered, we ordered a dj and a band, we got into a little itty bitty fight 2 weeks ago because I was in pain and I called her because I was really upset and she hung up on me and told me all I do is complain to her. After that, I called her back, and called her a bitch, which is really out of character for me, but you know I did it and she really was being nasty. I was wrong, I know, but I can't take it back and I did apologize to her. Well, my stepfather calls me because we were supposed to go to a food tasting at the hall where the wedding was supposed to be. He says that we shouldn't go this weekend and that he will reschedule it. Then he calls me the next day 2 hours before the tasting was originally scheduled and says "are you guys coming"? My husband made plans and was already really upset at my parents by how upset they made me, so I told my stepfather that I would go without my husband, because he already made plans after they cancelled on us the night before. My stepfather said "don't worry about it, don't come". So, I didn't go. I get an email the next day saying the the wedding is cancelled and that instead they will give us some money to get some new furniture in our house....I sent her an amail back saying we dont want her money, because i really dont want anything to do with her at this point My mother doesn't talk to anyone in our family. She doesn't talk to my aunt, my uncle, my grandparents, my cousins....she can't stand half of my stepdads family. I really don't think it's me. She just wants to party all the time. She drinks everyday, she smokes pot and who knows what else, she is always out. Everytime I invite her to our house, she can't make time for me. Also, I didn't really care about the big wedding, but after she started getting me into it, I was really excited and is it me or is that just unforgiveable to do to your daughter? All of our friends and co-workers and family knew about the wedding and it has been really heartbreaking to have to tell everyone that it is off after ranting about how great it was going to be. I haven't talked to her and I don't think I'm ever going to again, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I have gone years without talking to her before, but after getting back into a relationship with her in the past year, all she has done is put me last on her list. Her friends always come first and it really hurts and I don't think it's healthy for me to feel so unloved all the time by my mother. I think it would just be easier to pretend she's dead and not in my life anymore. What do you all think?
wuggle Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Someone once said that to truly grow up you must kill your parents. Obviously they didn't mean literally but I think they were trying to say that the 'hold' our parents have over us stops us from growing up sometimes. It does sound like if she wasn't your mother you would not have anything to do with her as she doesn't sound very nice and I think you recognise that. I think you might be better breaking off relations with her and just concentratng on your own life, thoughts and feelings. I know this might seem hard, especially as you might feel you 'owe' her something, but do you really , do you owe her a wasted life ?
curiousnycgirl Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I think you need to change your expectations of your mother. She has disappointed you and put you on the back burner your entire life - yet you still expect her to behave differently - why? I too have a very difficult mother - and have also gone several years without speaking to her. I finally found my comfort zone, and have laid the grand rules of the relationship. This does not mean some melodramatic statement I made or anything, just as she did things that I could not tolerate, I addressed them. In your case, I would start with her dropping your brother off. Call her on the phone and tell her that you enjoy taking care of your brother (I assume that is the case) - but will no longer do so unless she arranges it with you in advance. By having the discussion at a time when she is not expecting you to actually take him - you are eliminating any emotion from the discussion. As far as owing you for never having done anything, or for always taking from you - get over it. It's the past - if you choose to continue carrying around that type of resentment, then it is YOUR fault, not hers. Good luck - keep us informed.
Author jilliant Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Thanks everyone! You know I don't know if I would call what I feel towards her resentment. At some point it definitely was that, but now it's just kind of a numb feeling. I don't even feel really "sad" about pushing her out of my life again, but more guilty because she's my mother and as a daughter I should try harder. It's like how hard can I try though and keep coming to this same spot? I do love my brother very much. We are 13 years apart and I always felt part motherly towards him and also I worry about him and how my mom will affect his life. My stepfather is extremely strict and I know that's just going to make it double worse on his teenage years coming up. I need to come up with a way to hang out with my brother still, but I know my mother and she will make him call me and say "Can you watch me on Saturday" for example because my mother just wants to go out. So, it's like she is getting what she wants from me anyway, because she wants to go out and just wants me to watch my brother so she can go party. I would like to hang out with him when we have something planned on a day where we want to like, Sunday morning where we can go to the science center (he loves science) or something like that you know? What do you do with a 12 year old at 7pm on Saturday night? That's not what I would call quality family time lol. I should change my expectations, you are 100% right and maybe I am just immature, but there is a little girl inside of me that just wants my Mom sometimes lol...and I will always hope for that to be there, but my mother in law is really great to me and maybe I can let her in a little more and she can become more of that spot to me.
quankanne Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 get inside her brain ... she usually dumps him off when it's convenient to her? Why not offer to take him for a weekend so that she REALLY can get some time to herself, you can't imagine how hard it is to have to be a parent 24/7, and you really feel she deserves a break for herself. And that you're more than happy to take him a whole weekend once a month if she'd like ... you know, like it's "her" idea! as for distancing yourself from her otherwise, it's no big sin when it comes to saving your sanity. In your case, you're also probably going to save your brother's sanity too by cutting your mom's drama out of your life – that way he knows he's got a safe place to go. your MiL sounds like a great lady: Let HER be the mom you run to!
Author jilliant Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 I sent my mother an e-mail saying the following : I would like for "(my brother's name)" to be dropped off at our house the first Friday night of each month. We can drop him back at your house on Saturday. Ask him if he wants to do this and tell him to call me and let me know. You are not a part of my life anymore and the only communication I want to have with you is for "(my brother's name)" because I love him and I want to make sure that he knows that I am always here for him. That way they will allow it because they can go party on Friday, but also we can do something Saturday morning-afternoon. We have a bedroom for him here, so sleeping over is not an issue. It's a pull out bed, but for a 12 year old, I'm sure it's fine and he hasn't complained about it before.
quankanne Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 LOL ... I don't think I've ever heard of boys complaining about sleeping quarters, just a lack of junk food! :D:D
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