Will counceling work for me? HELP!!!

[Lester]

My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have a 14 year old son. About 4 years ago my I started a small business which grew much quicker than I expected. Within a couple of years I had a contract with one of the major oil companies as a contractor for them. This meant I had to hire many more employees and I was having problems keeping up with all the work. My wife tried very hard to take care of the books and the money but she also had a full-time job else where.

 

Here's where the problem started. She did not do a very good job and I started getting on her very hard. Mostly because she would tell me she was going to do something and then not do it. I was usually gone and the stress from keeping up with the job and employees was beginning to get to me. Then when I was home I would have crediters calling and wanting money. Bills that she hadnt paid. We talked about hiring a bookkeeper but she said no, she could handle it.

 

Meanwhile I was getting on her worse and worse. I would honestly say some very mean and nasty things to her and the odd part is I could not stop myself. Then it got to where I would go into uncontrollable fits just out of nowhere. For instance, we had been boating one sunday and had a wonderful day together. When we got home she had some bags of ice in the back of the truck. I parked in front of the garage and she asked me to pull on in since it was closer to the freezer. BAM!!! I went off. The whole time I'm doing this I'm screaming to myself on the inside to stop, what are you doing, shutup. Eventually in one of my moods I told her to leave and she did. Cant blame her I guess.

 

About 2 days later I was telling a friend about what I was doing and he said all I needed was these little pills that he's taking. So I went to the doctor and he said that I had depression and thats why I could not control myself. I knew something was wrong because I am not that kind of a person. So he put me on medicine and its working very well. No more moods.

 

So my wife has been gone for over a month. She is setting up a new house a couple of miles from me. I have been trying very hard to get her to come home but she wont even talk about it. She'll have a friendly chat with me but if I bring up anything about our situation she just clamps up. She left me in very bad shape financially and I am trying very hard to get caught up. My feeling is that these are our bills and that she has turned her back on them. Also when I bring up my son she says she dont care. Thats not her at all. She's constantly on the move and will not give herself time to think. Her way has always been to walk around a problem and not face it head on. I think she does anything to keep herself from thinking about it. She says that she still loves me and cares about me but that she is not in love with me and she will not recognize the fact that I could not control the fits that I was throwing.

 

I have been to the doctor and got on medicine. I have cut back most of my employees and sold part of my tools. I have started taking only smaller jobs to keep the stress level down and make our home a better place. Hell I even offered to sell the business if thats what she wants but she has not made one move. I love this woman more than anything other than maybe my son. We have been together for 20 years and she is as much a part of me as I am. There has never been any infidelity that I'm aware of and I take my wedding vows very serious. She says she doesnt want to rush into a divorce but it is a possibility. My worst nightmare.

 

I have got her to agree to counceling and we go next friday but I get the feeling the only reason she has agreed to it is so that it might help me accept this. My question is this, does counceling work? Is it a step in the right direction to making her drop this iron curtain she has put up around herself?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I have got her to agree to counseling and we go next friday but I get the feeling the only reason she has agreed to it is so that it might help me accept this. My question is this, does counseling work? Is it a step in the right direction to making her drop this iron curtain she has put up around herself?

 

It is absolutely a good step. But in which direction, only time will tell. It will be a venue where both of you can open up and communicate easier with an objective third-party mediator who can offer you suggestions and insight you might not have the clarity to discover for yourselves right now. It could help to break down some walls and get the two of you "cooperating" again, or it may help you to better deal with the inevitable reality that the relationship, as you know it, may be evolving into something else...or even ending.

 

I'm glad she has agreed to go to counseling with you. Don't question or second guess her reasons. Just go and see what happens.

[Lester]

Thank you for your reply. I have known this woman for 25 years and I honestly dont know her now. Even her son told her she was acting wierd. She has always been very loving and kind and always thought logical but now she talks in riddles and circles. One night she will have a nice chat with me and the other she will act like we've never even spoke. I have had my son every weekend and at least 3 nights during the week since she has left and I know she is loving her new freedom but this is not her. When is she going to see the reality of it all?

[desperate]

Lester, I ask myself the same question about my wife every 5 minutes of the day. "When is she going to realize she's making the biggest mistake of her life?"

 

It's a very selfish question, because it completely discounts what she is feeling. She is probably asking herself when YOU are going to see the reality of it all.

 

The way she is feeling right now is just as real as the way you are feeling, and to wonder when she is going to see the reality means that you don't think her feelings are real.

 

Truthfully, the best thing you can do for you right now is concentrate on you. You are a human being and you deserve to be happy. You have the ability within yourself to be happy--even without her! Work on who you are apart from her, and if your marriage works out, you will be happier in it. If it doesn't, then you will already be on your way to recovery.

 

My wife left me only 2 1/2 weeks ago, and this revelation struck me like a ton of bricks. I am still very sad, and lonely, and even sometimes depressed; but even through all of that I still have a bright outlook on life. I think that the guiding emotion that makes the sad, lonely, depressed me able to handle everything is happiness--which you will only ever find within yourself.

 

Just know that no matter what the outcome, even if it isn't what you hope and wish for, everything WILL be O.K. Hope this helps!