dumpers time-line

[starzphalling]

Ok so for those of you that have dumped someone....this is mainly at those that dumped someone but never said never again, something just wasn't right at the time, or something idk yada yada yada

 

anywho back to the topic, what is the avg dumper time-line, like you dump someone, then u never want to talk to them again, then u think about them, then maybe call them, and then go on your knees begging them to take you back...

 

ok...so maybe i added the last part in deserate hope lol...anywho, if u have dumped someone and talked to them again, how long did it take you, does it really vary a lot from person to person, or is there an avg. in ways?

 

i know i shouldn't be asking this, because all im doing is trying to give myself some false hope, but its been almost two months and i still can't stand not talking to him and can't figure out how he can go from talking to someone every single day for three years, to never even thinking about them?

 

(break up review: friends, actual friends like information divulging dream sharing friends not just aquantinces, 3 years, dated officially1-2months'ish, ended up moving closer for school, went from 20 hours away to 2, got dumped, yes it really was that simple nothing else there)

[LucreziaBorgia]

That entirely depends on how long he spent breaking up with you in his heart before he actually broke up with you. If he took several months to fall out of love, chances are when he broke up with you he was done and over it already - meaning that there is no chance of him coming back.

 

If he only took a short time, and still has unresolved feelings, he may come back but it is no guarantee.

 

If he is at the point where he isn't speaking to you - the first scenario is the more likely one.

 

That is something that is hard for the dumpee to understand - that the breakup process started months, even years before the actual breakup. They just failed to tell you about it until they were healed and ready to let go. By that time, they can simply walk away and never talk to the dumpee again - why? Because they spent a good long while letting go. The dumpee only gets to the see the very end of the process. They hide it pretty well though because they want to be sure they are ready to let go before they actually do. Their healing process is at an end when they break up. The dumpee's unfortunately, is just beginning.

[paperchase]

That entirely depends on how long he spent breaking up with you in his heart before he actually broke up with you. If he took several months to fall out of love, chances are when he broke up with you he was done and over it already - meaning that there is no chance of him coming back.

 

If he only took a short time, and still has unresolved feelings, he may come back but it is no guarantee.

 

If he is at the point where he isn't speaking to you - the first scenario is the more likely one.

 

That is something that is hard for the dumpee to understand - that the breakup process started months, even years before the actual breakup. They just failed to tell you about it until they were healed and ready to let go. By that time, they can simply walk away and never talk to the dumpee again - why? Because they spent a good long while letting go. The dumpee only gets to the see the very end of the process. They hide it pretty well though because they want to be sure they are ready to let go before they actually do. Their healing process is at an end when they break up. The dumpee's unfortunately, is just beginning.

 

This is so true. My gf broke up with me and for about 2 months we still dated, during which time I did everything I could to recapture the magic. When she finally broke it off she had my replacement(s) already line up. I was blindsided. She was cold and distant and unwilling to look back. I didn't have a plan B. I couldn't undersand the dramatic change. She was infatuated with me for 1.5 years and toward the end I was an afterthought. I kept putting down my foot trying to get back to where we once were, but I had lost all leverage. Basically, my ex weaned herself off me. She got a head start in healing. I know she still thinks about me and still sometimes craves my attention which I've stopped giving by going NC, but she's over me for the most part. We met a week ago and I went for broke trying to get a second chance. I flustered her and she got very upset because I made her feel again after she had worked so hard to ice me out.

 

Even though my ex's decision wasn't made overnight and seems to be final, I still think she might come back. Not because she told me the "who knows what the future might hold" BS, but because I think she's chasing after a feeling that won't compare to what we had. She was infatuated with me for over a year and then woke up one day and fell out of love with the dream. I pursued her and pushed her away. She needs attention and has low self esteem although she hides it well publically. She's very young and confused and I think time apart might give her some clarity. Maybe I'm crazy, but I just think she's going to realize that she made a mistake. Her emotions change so quickly. Time apart, however, is also giving me clarity and I'm starting to see why things probably would have never worked over the long haul.

[MeMyself&I]

If he only took a short time, and still has unresolved feelings, he may come back but it is no guarantee.

 

OK, so I'm just telling you my case. It is similar to the statement up above. I instantly regretted breaking up with my ex just over a month ago. Contacted him twice since then to apologize and ask him to forgive me. He is unresponsive (and I'm not saying deservedly so). Now I am giving both of us space to process the break-up. I have no idea what the future holds. If the opportunity comes to talk with him again and some time has passed.....I would love to. Otherwise we both need to heal.

 

Don't know that this is a typical scenario. I did not leave him for someone else--there was no one waiting on the wings for me. I broke up with him because of the inability of him to meet needs in my life over and over again...even after we talked about it. Anyway not going to go on and on about my story, just wanted you to have this scenario of the dumper feeling instant remorse and also that although many leave for someone else it is not always the case.....although I see it a lot on here as I read the posts.

 

I've typically seen on here 2 to 6 months for the dumper to come back. But it varies

 

Hope this was helpful

[paperchase]

If your needs weren't being met over a period of time, then you didn't make your decision overnight. Just for taking notes, did your ex beg and plead for you to stay? Have you dated since dumping? 2-6 months is an interesting number. That's about the life line of a new relationship assuming it's a rebound. If it lasts longer than that, it's usually serious.

[MeMyself&I]

If your needs weren't being met over a period of time, then you didn't make your decision overnight. Just for taking notes, did your ex beg and plead for you to stay? Have you dated since dumping? 2-6 months is an interesting number. That's about the life line of a new relationship assuming it's a rebound. If it lasts longer than that, it's usually serious.

 

Hi Paperchase,

 

I've seen a lot of your posts and they are usually quite insightful . Were these questions directed toward me or the Orig. poster ?

[paperchase]

Hi Paperchase,

 

I've seen a lot of your posts and they are usually quite insightful . Were these questions directed toward me or the Orig. poster ?

 

Thanks. I ask so much on here I try to contribute to other people's post as well. The questions were directed at you.

[MeMyself&I]

If your needs weren't being met over a period of time, then you didn't make your decision overnight.

 

I dated him 2 yrs before and he was an emotional mess from his divorce. So when we started dating at the very beginning of Oct. 08 I kinda knew what I was going into.......but we had both changed. He seemed to try at first and then as it progressed pulled away. BUT throughout the whole relationship could never show me demonstrate his feelings. We talked about it. A few times he was receptive and would try and then it just came across as my bitching. I was going through some personal stressors and with the relationship failing too---I broke up with him. I wish I would have waited until that transition in my life had completed and talked to him about it. BUT I felt he would not understand me or be there for me.......which I guess says a lot for our relationship right there.

 

Just for taking notes, did your ex beg and plead for you to stay?

 

No he didn't. We talked about it a week before the final break-up and his answer was...."Don't do anything we will both regret". That's as close as he got to saying don't do it I guess. Then when I did break it off.....he was very quiet and made it obvious I had hurt him (something he couldn't do in the relationship (show he cared) but could do after I broke with him---man that hurt). He told me he was sorry I felt that way but that obviously I had been thinking about this since I put it out there and that he obv. couldn't meet my needs. And at this point in his life.......he was giving me all he could. So I guess it was mutual??? IDK. So no, he did not beg. But I did about a week later. I've contacted him a total of 3 times. He's contacted me once.......to wish me happy b-day. I now am doing NC to give him space and me too to heal. We have lots of mutual friends though and have bumped into each other. It's very difficult. We went from friends and lovers to strangers. I HATE IT! and it was my own doing. I'm not naive enough to think we can be "just friends" but it saddens me we lost that. It was why I hesitated to date him again. We were finally getting the friendship back after the earlier break-up.

 

Have you dated since dumping?

 

Not really..........I'm not ready. I miss him and the thought of starting a new relationship.....especially a physical one is repulsive to me. (kinda sad I know) I am going to start dating........but only to get myself back out there. I know I'm not ready for a new relationship right now. But pining away and being miserable is not healthy either. I also need to see there are other guys out there that can give me what I need and treat me special.

 

2-6 months is an interesting number. That's about the life line of a new relationship assuming it's a rebound. If it lasts longer than that, it's usually serious.

 

Not sure if you wanted feed-back here but I just took that as an average of what I normally see on here.

 

Please feel free to ask me to elaborate on anything. I'm here to answer questions and get feedback.

[paperchase]

Our situations are similar in that me and your ex were both emotionally scarred from a divorce. I was very emotionally closed off when I met my current ex gf. But her youth and seemingly sweet innocence, her infatuation with me and her charming ways restored my faith in true love. She had me at hello. lol!

 

Unlike your ex, I am a very expressive person. Sometimes to a fault. My ex used to be expressive too, until the last few months when she closed herself off to me and didn't want to talk about our relationship at all. By then she had emotionally detached and she also was preoccupied chasing a new man or men.

 

But the baggage I carried from my marriage was an issue in my relationship because there was serious litigation still taking place involving property and custody issues. This was ongoing for the 1.5 years I dated. My gf claims that the drama was just too much. That she internalized my pain and that she didn't think it would ever go away. She's only 22 so that's possible, but my baggage doesn't tell the whole story because my ex gf started dating while I was still trying to repair our relationship. She was chasing the next fling while slowly weaning herself off me. I was blindsided and devastated.

 

We had a push and pull in our last few months. She expressed frustration that I wasn't meeting her needs and I beat myself up real bad trying to understand and do better. Much, if not all, of that was a smoke screen. During this push and pull one or both of us would threaten to end things, her moreso than me. I noticed that it got easier and easier for her to just walk away. I got clingy and desperate. Because of the change in our dynamic, I also got frustrated and wrote the first of several goodbye letters then went NC.

 

My ex gf chased me down for 4 days, I finally broke contact, we spent some fun nights together and I though we were fixed. This went on for about a month. But things weren't the same and I got frustrated at being treated like an afterthought so I wrote another goodbye letter. That one did nto get the same response. I yanked the plug but it did nothing this time because I had no leverage left. Then I tried to put the plug back in and restore power, but the circuit had already been tripped. The power was off. She said it was over for good.

 

I tried to handle getting dumped like a man, but I wrote a few more letters which got no response and in our final goodbye meeting put all my cards on the table. It did get an emotional response, but it didn't win her back. It upset her because I opened up some feelings that she had managed to lock away while weaning herself off me. So now I've gone NC for good and she's chasing a bit again. Not because she wants me back, but just because she can't take being ignored. She's opened up a bit and said things like she loves me and she's sorry for being cold, blaming it on her defense mechanism but it's really all a game. I'm sure she'll stop texting me soon enough.

 

I was interested in your story because you were a dumper with second thoughts entertaining second chances. So I wanted to hear the facts surrounding your situation to see what I could draw from, or add to, it.

 

One thing that strikes me is that in your situation it sounds like by the time you dumped your man he was already emotionally prepared for it. Maybe in some way he welcomed it. I know men like this. They will not end the relationship because they don't want to be the bad guy. One of my good friends loves to get dumped because he feels like a woman has let him off the hook in a way that she will always question her decision. There could be a million reasons why, but when an ex doesn't beg at all or show the slightest bit of panic, they were prepared for the axe to fall.

 

Anyway, I strongly suggest you start to date. You must get out there even if it doesn't involve intimacy. You can't beat yourself up over your decision because it was for good reasons and the fact that you dumped him is likely NOT the real reason he doesn't want to take you back. Look at how many people on here have been dumped who would JUMP at the opportunity for a second chance. If it's meant to be you two will have a chance to try it again under better cirumstances. If not, you will heal and find the right person for you.

 

Sorry for the diatribe.

[MeMyself&I]

One thing that strikes me is that in your situation it sounds like by the time you dumped your man he was already emotionally prepared for it. Maybe in some way he welcomed it. I know men like this. They will not end the relationship because they don't want to be the bad guy. One of my good friends loves to get dumped because he feels like a woman has let him off the hook in a way that she will always question her decision. There could be a million reasons why, but when an ex doesn't beg at all or show the slightest bit of panic, they were prepared for the axe to fall.

 

Anyway, I strongly suggest you start to date. You must get out there even if it doesn't involve intimacy. You can't beat yourself up over your decision because it was for good reasons and the fact that you dumped him is likely NOT the real reason he doesn't want to take you back. Look at how many people on here have been dumped who would JUMP at the opportunity for a second chance. If it's meant to be you two will have a chance to try it again under better cirumstances. If not, you will heal and find the right person for you.

 

Sorry for the diatribe.

 

Thanks for the feedback and your story.

 

I've had a very recent update and one of the reasons I wanted to share it with you is I've come to find that you are right (see the above bold). I went to luch with a friend of mine today (about 2 hrs ago). It seems one of my best friend that dates my ex's rooommate found out (from her b.f. the roommate) that not only was my ex cheating on me but that he "says" he was thinking of breaking up with me too (kind of what you pointed out above). What a piece of **it. Anyway so things have shifted. I wouldn't take him back if he showed up with his tail between his legs and flowers coming out of every orifice.

 

I wanted to share this with you because you have good intuition.....remember that. So now I'm sitting her being upset, hurt and mad over a P.O.S. that does not deserve it.