Please help- unable to understand girlfriend or anything for that matter

[Goatsbreath]

Ok, this is my situation. I will try to make it as short as I can but its a long relationship with alot of bad history. I think I have been with my girlfriend for almost six years. When I met her and asked her out I did not realize she had a boyfriend but she told me shortly after we started hanging out. She said she was going to break it off with him because it just wasnt working out. Plus he was moving 5 hours away and she decided she didn't want to move with him. This would be her escape she said, without hurting him to much. Well, I should of backed away then but I was already hooked. She drug me through months and months of this supposed breakup with her. She told me it was over but then I would find out when she said she was going to visit her parents that instead she went down state and saw her X. The worse part is she would always deny it until the end, she would lie and lie and stick to it like glue. Over and over again I caught her in this same lie and the proof was undeniable. She would eventually give in and say how confused she was. She would say she loves me but was having a hard time letting go. Or then she would say she didn't like to hurt his feelings and he would cry on the phone and bla bla....I heard it all.

 

Ok, so we somehow get through this period and Im a little shaken. I dont know if I can trust her and I turn on some defense mechanism I think. I try not to give her to much as I dont want to get hurt. I guess I feel if I dont give her 100 % of myself then if she hurt me again I wouldn't have to feel like I gave everything and I still wasn't enough. So we go like this for a while- I tell her its going to take time for me to regain her trust. Then about 3 years in I find she cheats on me with some guy. I go over her house and knock on her door one morning and she actually has a guy go out her window. Yes- I know. This turns into a big mess ofcourse and shes confused all over again. Then I turn into a big dumby and start asking why,....crying and stuff. Like I want her back. She says shes confused again and starts this bull and Its like repeating the start of our relationship. At some point I find some strength and it just happens to be a time when Im getting ready to do my internship for my college program. So I decide to do it two hours away thinking this would help. Well as things go somehow we stick it out and I find my self with her again and this other guy is gone.

 

Then we date like this for two years.....two hour long distance. What am I thinking involving myself in a long distance realationship with someone I know I cant trust. Anyway, I do it. Then just about a month ago I found out she was cheating on me with some guy from work. I heard him one day I was over her house. He was on her answering maching sounding more than friends. She trys to say that its a guy on her volleyball team from work that like her but thats all. She has no interest. Well, I end up calling this guy and turns out they have been sort of seeing each other for 3 months. In this time she was lieing to him as well. Every time she left to come see me she would tell him she was going to visit some friends that lived 2 hours away. We even went to concerts and on vacation together but she told him she did these things with friends. Then this guy says that they talked about past realationships and she never mentioned me but for the last year or so it had been common knowledge in that city that she was dating this other guy at her work. THEN THE BIG KICKER HAPPENS - I find out that this guy is 46 and the other guy was 48. Both of them are doctors, she is a nurse. I work in the Lab at another hospital and I am 28......she is 28. I would never have guessed this about her in a million years...... Ofcourse she denies this until its pointing her in the face because I called this guy and then breaks down again. She says she loves me.....she says she needs counseling....I remember she went to counsleing a while back. She told me that during this time she asked him what the hell she was doing. She said that I was the perfect guy but didn't understand why she kept doing these things to me.... She asked about the older men thing as well. She tried to say something about securities/ father figure type stuff....i dont know if its just a bunch of stuff that sounds good to say or if its the truth. I dont know much of anything anymore. She keeps saying she wants things to work out between us but shes confused... Hell, I dont even know where my emotions are. I dont even know if things could work out. I think we fell into some emotional mess that dont make sense. Im not even sure what emotions are driving me to think I miss her or want her back....Please help with anything at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ryan]

Move on.

Infidelity is a one-strike offense.

[Goatsbreath]

Yeah, Move on, I guess thats easy to say and easy to see. Its sort of a no brainer because its so pathetic but I guess what I really want to know is what drives someone like her. I mean why does she do all those things and then turn around and tell me she loves me so much. Why dont she just break up with me and then go do whatever she wants. Does she like to hurt people? and what kind of person am I for letting this happen to me for so long.

[LadyX]

You're only hurting yourself by trying to analyze her. It's her problem. Let it go, and move on!

[midori]

Self-centered people don't give much thought to the fact that their behavior confuses/hurts other people. They just pursue their own agendas. And it sounds like your gf's agenda is this: to do whatever she wants but still have you around. She knows you're a good thing. She doesn't want to lose you, at least not right now. If she could hook one of those doctors into a committed thing, she might drop you then. But that may well never happen, as she probably knows, so you're good in the meantime.

 

She is playing you. I'm sorry but you just don't treat someone you love the way she has treated you. When she says "I love you" to you, she is either lying or she doesn't actually understand what those words are supposed to mean. Why put up with a dishonest, stupid woman who is selfish and lacks moral fiber?

 

It was time to say goodbye to her a long time ago. It's not you, it's her. She's far less than you deserve.

[Goatsbreath]

Im not sure what I am doing. For some reason I am taking her calls and listening to her. I didn't talk to her for like two weeks straight and I was doing ok. I mean, I missed things about her but that crazy feeling I was having was finally starting to go away. You know, that one where you will jump in the car and go two hours to check up on her when you have to be back to work early in the morning. Other stuff to- I think mostly from listening to her lie- drives me mad. Esp. when you know she is telling a lie.

 

Anyway- I take her calls and I sort of refuse to talk about the situation. I dont want to talk about it- I was doing better not talking about it. The thing is she don't try to talk about it either- she likes to act like nothing is going on. I dont think I can go on like that. Still- I miss her and wish she was the one, I wish so bad things would of been different. Sometimes I think the start of our realationship doomed us and I never recovered and gave her 100% of myself. Like I said, I think I was trying to hold myself back. Either for fear of being hurt again because I did not trust her due to the start of our realationship. Or, because I think she did not deserve my effort. Now Im wondering If I would of tried all the little things- would she have strayed? Is our situation a product of my inhibitions?