Forced to live in the shadow of my ex

[Groovy]

I've known my ex for 3 yrs. We dated for 1 yr and 9 months, with a break of maybe 2-3 months in between. When he moved in our dogs didn't get along and the fight was so bad they almost killed each other, literally. Before they were good dogs in different houses alone. I wanted to find them nice homes and felt they shouldn't stop us from sharing a life together or getting married. He continued to sleep in a seperate room with his 105 pd Doberman unsure of what he wanted. After 2 weeks I told to him I did not want to come home to his face everyday knowing that I will never have the life I wanted and gave him a week. We had an argument where he said he felt like hitting me, but he didn't. I told him it was inappropriate to make statements like that and it won't get him anywhere with me. He bitterly left and went to his ex wife's to stay temporarily.

 

One month later I was home sleeping and heard someone in my house at 4 AM. I pretended to be asleep but caught a glimpse of him in my doorway watching me sleep. Once my mind stoped racing I realized the only man that could walk into my home without being attacked was my ex BF. Simply because he lived here recently and was part of the pack in my dogs eyes. I had not bothered to change my locks and he knows NOTHING wakes me up. That he probably wanted to see if I was in bed with someone. I had no evidence for the police and even wondered if I imagined it. I changed my locks and sleep with my house alarm on now.

 

Two weeks ago someone contacted me on Facebook and interrogated me about who I'm seeing. When I told them I didn't know them and wasn't interested in discussing my personal life with them they became unfriendly saying they worked with me and clearly I had issues. Mentioning who the hell breaks up over 2 dogs not getting along and that my ex will never speak to me again. I called them a sociopathic ex boyfriend and knew they were lying. They knew I was seeing someone new and I'm not sure if they know who. When I traced the e-mail address I found a property my ex just bought with her. I believe she is a relative based on other net searches but I could be wrong. So either she contacted me for him or he is using her e-mail.

 

At the time I contacted police I had no evidence. Although he had not ever been physically abusive he is keeping tabs on me, controlling me and intimidating me. At best he is jealous, misses me and is too afraid to admit regrets. I wonder what he'll do next. Unless a documented threat is made the police will not charge him.

 

I'm dealing with the fact I loved him and he's being unkind. I remember him saying he loved me, holding me at night, acting protective and now don't know who the hell he is. I'm starting to see the profile of an abuser and don't understand why he wouldn't just admit a mistake and redeem himself like a man should. I do not deserve this and did nothing wrong. I'm trying to focus on my job, enjoying time with someone else, etc. while I have these uneasy sick feelings and restlessness. I've missed work and had to humiliate myself by telling my co-workers, friends, neighboors and family I am involved with such a douche bag. My parents really liked him and he did a good job at fooling them at having my best interest. I'm not sure if he knows how much his behavior has affected me or if it's what he wanted.

 

I have three options....#1 To call to let him know I have contacted the police and have evidence he's involved. #2 Do nothing and hope he stops. #3 Go to the police who really won't do anything anyway. I'm not sure which will put a stop to things and which will cause things to escalate.

[blind_otter]

I would just completely disengage and try to create an environment that would prevent any further interaction. Get a message from someone you don't know on FB? delete it. That's what I do, anyways. Anyone who doesn't immediately identify themselves does not deserve any interaction. Also good that you changed your locks and have an alarm.

 

I had a physically abusive exBF. I went through the process of getting a restraining order. In my area you must have 3 documented cases of violence or intimidation with the police before they will allow the restraining order. In most cases, it is temporary. Because my ex was sent to prison for what he did, my RO is for life.

 

Also, he had lived with me and a dog I had at the time (have since given the dog to family because I have a young infant at home). But when he broke in and tried to attack me and my friend, my dog attacked HIM and ripped his arm open. So your dog knows (hopefully) when someone is really trying to hurt you.

 

When you have had an experience like this, you always watch your back and just take pains to make sure you are safe. Park in well lit, public places. Do not go out alone. Tell people where you are going and when you will be back. Have people who check on you periodically. Report and document when necessary. ALthough ROs are only paper, they will help to ensure that the police know who to look at first if something DOES happen to you.

 

My ex will be out of prison in a year. I will likely step up my vigilance at that time.

[Groovy]

I can't imagine going through an abusive marriage. I have only touched the edges of this world and it's been hard for me, so kudos to you! I've also learned this can happen to anyone and feel blessed to not be married to him like I wanted only to find this dark side later where I am legally bound and prisoner of my own home.

 

I left him a voicemail letting him know his behavior is inappropriate and I know it's him. That the e-mails came from a house he just moved into. I didn't mention how I know, whether I contacted legal action.

 

I wish he would grow some nuts, stop being a coward and stand up like a man. If he has a moment of jealousy or regret and stepped out of line he would apologize. But he isn't because he wants control and selfishly doesn't care that I'm in a bad place. My job right now is to realize I do not deserve this, will not be afraid like he wants and need to move forward. I hope time allows that.