ashamed and confused

[ginac]

I am married to a man that I love intensely. We have been married for three years after a friendship of nine years. During that time I was able to see him with other women in committed relationships, and on occasion, even be friendly with them. He had a horrible trend/pattern of mistreating women through disrespect and verbal abuse. He also treats his mother this way. Basicly, despite having knowledge of how he treated women I still fell in love with him and married him.

 

I have now been miserable in my young mariage for the better half of two years. He grows more and more disrespectful every day, and although I have exressed to him how this hurts me, his response is that he doesn't know why he treats me bad or how he should go about changing his behavior. I often express how unhappy I am and nothing ever changes. I have recently given him an ultimatum, saying if he does not seek independent counseling (we have been going together) and I do not see a change by June that maybe I should leave for a while so that he can figure out what he wants: a relationship based on love, respect, and appreciation or loneliness.

 

All of this may sound like a handful, but it is not even why I need advice. I have recently met a man that has befriended me (whether through innocence or alterior motive I am not sure.) It seems that everything that is absent from my husband is present in this man, and he is not afraid to express to me how much he cares for me, even though I am married. I have let myself come to the point where I may have feelings for this man, and I am terrified, ashamed, confused, and more miserable than ever.

 

I know it is wrong. I have vows that I cherish under God and I want to love my husband -- and only my husband -- forever. But not at this sacrifice of unhappiness and heart break. Can anyone help?

[Tony T]

Your husband obviously comes from a highly disfunctional family and has issues with intimacy. By being disrespectful and inconsiderate, he is able to put space in the relationship which helps him avoid the intimacy he is terrified of. I suspect he has deep seated issues with his mother or some other female from his childhood. He is terrified of very close relationships with anyone.

 

It's great that you are seeking counselling but unfortunately it could be years before he improves...and only with the RIGHT counsellor who recognizes his problem and works with him. Your husband will also have to recognize his issues and be willing to work through them.

 

It is even more unfortunate that you married this man despite the fact that you knew of his behavior and problems.

 

But the absolute truth is that there are many men out there who don't have the same issues or problems serious enough to so adversely affect a potential relationship with them.

 

Giving your husband a deadline to change is like giving your car two months to turn into a bus. It just won't happen. His behavior could change temporarily, but it would take many years to become permanent. Engrained behaviors just don't change overnight.

 

It just seems you made a mistake in this marriage and are finding out that it takes a lot more than love to make a satisfactory relationship.

 

Don't be ashamed or terrified about having feelings for another man. You simply aren't getting the love, intimacy, attention, respect, etc. that most people need from a marriage. However, be warned that you are vulnerable and at this point in your life, a rattlesnake could make better company for you.

 

Make your decision. If you decide to commit to your current situation, just know it will take a very long time, if ever, for your husband to change. Otherwise, you need to split and give yourself time to heal before you jump into another long term relationship.

 

You have obviously learned something from this experience. And your husband's behavior has served him well, because if you leave him the space he has placed between you will perhaps lessen the pain he may feel upon your departure.

 

You aren't on this planet to be unhappy. Neither are you here to be here to take the abuse of another, no matter why they are that way. Pay a lot more attention in life and stay away from all persons who do not contribute to your life in a very positive way. Learn to do that and you'll be on happy camper. Why people spend half their lives waiting for people to change rather than deleting them from life's hard drive has always been beyong me.

 

All good wishes for happiness in the future. Take control of your life today!!!