A really weird situation - we don't like each other in public...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Okay I am aware this a very weird situation and I am completely unsure what to do about it....

 

Me and my boyfriend of nearly 2 years have always, pretty much constantly met up just us 2. We did go out in group environments but when we first got together, we kept it secret (for about 4 months I think). As such in public we had to act differently. On some level this was exciting, but on the other upsetting because we couldn't be all over each other or affectionate. We had to keep it secret. (He had just left a relationship with a friend). Now I think that is they key to what set this all off...because we couldn't be natural it sort of set a habit about how we did act. Now when we go out in groups if often ends in arguments or this weird kind of....semi-ignoring each other or misunderstandings. We can't seem to stand each other when we are out! This to me though is a deal breaker - if we can't hang out in that way, it WILL bother me but i'm willing to take things slow and see what changes.

 

Any tips?

[Geishawhelk]

Arguing is a form of control, or desire to gain the upper hand. It's competing for top dog position.

You need to get this out of your systems and sicuss exactly what the dynamics of your relationships are.....

 

Does he agree you fight in public?

Is he aware of how 'kooky' it is?

What are you both willing to do about it together?

'Together', being the key word.

If you both do it, you have to both want to fix it.....

[Nikki Sahagin]

Arguing is a form of control, or desire to gain the upper hand. It's competing for top dog position.

You need to get this out of your systems and sicuss exactly what the dynamics of your relationships are.....

 

Does he agree you fight in public?

Is he aware of how 'kooky' it is?

What are you both willing to do about it together?

'Together', being the key word.

If you both do it, you have to both want to fix it.....

 

Well....to him he feels when we are out I am a kind of Big Brother figure looming over him and inhibiting him. I took this in and decided to 'change' my behaviour when out, giving him more freedom and space but he still felt the same, so now I think he the thoughts and feelings for him have become a habit. He agrees that we both fight/argue or find it difficult to relate in public. It really bothers me because we used to go out a lot more and I want that back. It's one of the things that if we can't conquer, is a dealbreaking for me in this relationship and I don't want that to be the case. I think he is very reluctant and also seems pessimistic. For example on my birthday it will be a him + me + group situation and he has already said 'i'll be uncomfortable'. I said can't you just give it a try. He's coming but 'knows' he'll be uncomfortable. It's such a weird issue that i'm not sure how to sort this one out...

[Nikki Sahagin]

I should add. His chief complaint is that I am flirtacious. See in many ways i've brought this on myself. In the beginning I was PURPOSELY flirtacious because I wanted a reaction. It was completely immature and foolish but it's how I acted. I've matured a lot now and learnt the hard way how stupid, damaging and self-sabotaguing my own behaviour is. The difference is now that I HAVE changed, I want to be able to prove this to him. I know this is simply a reaction to how i've been in the past but seeing as I have changed, I really can't go on avoiding group situations with him because of how i've acted in the past.

[Geishawhelk]

You flirted.

Your problem.

You changed it.

Your solution.

His resentment

his problem.

 

If you have done all you can to remedy the situation, and he refuses to move on - that's his problem.

He has issues you can't fix.

You've done what you can to prove to him that you're aware of how stupid it all was, that you've changed and that you're not going to play that game any more - but he's being childish.

 

Don't let his emotional baggage weigh you down.