manugeorge Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 This is coming off the the "my wife won't have sex with me thread". Lord knows we see at least one of those on the boards each day. It really makes you wonder how men and women are wired and why we are so much out of sync especially with this sex thing. I, like many other women, use to think men are just horn dogs who need to keep their penis in their pants and find other things, besides sex, to occupy their mind. But more and more I'm starting to realize that the need for sex for men is something they really can't ignore. Because most would ignore it if they could just to save themselves the grief but they just cant. Men don't just want sex, they NEED it, they need it like they need food/water and air. That is just the way they are wired, the way the Lord God made them. Blame it on testosterone or some other hormone, it is a physical need akin to a thirst or full bladder that most often can not be set aside or just glossed over. I've heard some men say their body actually suffers from physical pain when they go too long without sex and I believe them...now. Sure they won't physically die from lack of sex like they would from lack of food or water but I do believe the lack of sex does kill something in them...slowly enough that eventually their souls and outlook on life is robbed of any kind of joy. I won't withhold food from my man, neither will I starve him of water. So why not lump sex into that category and not begudge him of something his body craves so badly?. My boyfriend, naturally, has a higher sex drive than I do. If we follow my body's schedule, sex will be sporadic at best, but I indulge him, even when I'm not in the mood. Just because I like seeing him happy. And believe me, after sex, he's like a kid in a candy store, just giggly for no reason. I derive my satisfaction from that joy he experiences. His body and mind is relaxed, he can think clearly and his state of mind becomes one less thing I have to worry about. Win-win situation for all, no? Women complain that we are too tired or just don't feel like it but really how much work/effort does sexual intercouse take?. Especially if you are doing it for your man? Men don't need hours of foreplay, a bubble bath or candles lit. A t-shirt and a thong is enough to make his eyes bulge out:-). So what is so wrong with lumping that into your to-do list for the day during those times you are not in the mood? Preferably, not making it the last "task" of the day either because that is when you are really too tired and are forced to dismiss it. I'm not saying sex has to be a chore all the time, there are many times that women are actually in the mood and don't need to be persuaded to have sex. But for those times when you are not in the mood and he's craving it. Just throw the guy a bone and let him go about his merry way, even if you have to muster up the enthusiasm for his sake. It's not like the act actually hurts when you do get going, it feels good for both. I know when I get home from my demanding as hell job, by the time we cook, eat, clean up, work out, study, it's time for bed and I'm just so exhausted, I can't even keep my eyes opened. On those days, I initiate sex with my boyfriend when I get home from work, maybe before we eat or after. 30 mins tops, and that's out of the way. We can then go back to cleaning and studying to finish up the night. Many times, sex is not even on my mind and I'm not horny but I KNOW that if we wait until I'm horny, we'll be having sex once a month and that's not kosher. So I just do it, like the Nike commercial said, I just go in for the kiss, one touch leads to another and my body gradually warms up to the idea. For mornings, I set my alarm 20 mins early, that way, I'm not thinking "I'll be late for work". It all sounds so mechanical and contrived but that is sometimes the reality of life and love. You do have to make time and make a conscious effort to do certain things AT TIMES. Anyway, that is my 2 cents, I know each person's story is different and I'm not married so maybe that is another ballgame entirely.
clv0116 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Interesting post. Men have to be sensitive to the needs of our partners too, aware that she has a different physical and emotional makeup and we need to do our clumsy best to accommodate that. I do think that men accommodating women was lacking in the past and maybe now we're made really aware of it due to the backlash. Maybe part of that backlash is causing women to view accommodating men as being unappealing. Mates should be generous with each other. Good rule to live by.
headlesschicken Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 i sort of agree. sex is a very very very strong and very important WANT, not a need. almost a need, but not quite. to call it a need is to excuse behavior that stems from a sense of entitlement.
Author manugeorge Posted February 24, 2009 Author Posted February 24, 2009 Interesting post. Men have to be sensitive to the needs of our partners too, aware that she has a different physical and emotional makeup and we need to do our clumsy best to accommodate that. I do think that men accommodating women was lacking in the past and maybe now we're made really aware of it due to the backlash. Maybe part of that backlash is causing women to view accommodating men as being unappealing. Mates should be generous with each other. Good rule to live by. Oh ofcourse, it's a quid pro quo arrangement. You don't always have to indulge your man in the sex department. But in cases where sex drives are significantly different, then I think the person who wants it less should try to step up more. And both parties should learn each other's temperament and adjust to it. In my situation, it means I don't get approached for sex at 6 in the morning because I have to get up to shower...I WILL be late for work. And I don't get the passive aggressive pouty mouth treament when I am REALLY too tired or too busy to go along with it. My SO knows and sees that I make an effort to have more sex than my body naturally desires to, just to please him. He reciprocates that guesture in other ways, mostly by taking care of my emotional needs.
JackJack Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Its very important to me and our relationship,but its also not the be all end all of things either. Not in my book anyway. Respect, trust, love, communication and lots of other things play a big role in a healthy relationship too. It shouldn't be one sided, and both should work together as a team to try to meet the others wants/needs etc. When it get s to the point where one or the other or both feels its a "chore" "a have to" or "obligation" whatever you want to call it, then there is a bigger issue going on that needs to be addressed. I think the quote I have up by TD Jakes says it best too.
Trialbyfire Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 It's human nature to "need" or "want" what they can't have. Most women have a lower level of testosterone and when they're emotionally fueled, the body releases more testosterone, thus bumping up the sex drive. Most men have a higher testosterone level which tapers off as they age.
fral945 Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 That's a good attitude to have. I do the same thing with romance and women when in relationships. I know it is important to do little romantic things for women, even though romance itself is of little interest to me and I don't need flowers, gifts, etc. Because even though I could live without romance (and it's usually a meaningless act or gesture to me), it seems to mean a lot to women.
GroupFitness Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Let's face it, there are going to be times when sex will feel like a chore or obligation. Denying that fact is a mistake a lot of couples make. Your sex drives are not going to always be in sync, you are not both going to want to have sex and be as equally excited/turned on about it all time. In those cases, I do think it becomes a chore for the person who is not horny. But it's a chore you do out of love not grudgingly. Cooking a grand dinner for my kids is a chore, I'd really rather be sitting on the couch watching TV but I go all out and exhaust myself to make that dinner because I love them and I want them to eat a good home cooked meal and be happy. There are very few couples whose sex drives match equally. As with love, respect, trust and all the other basic ingredients needed for a healthy marriage, being flawed human beings, we are not always going to WANT to do those things because we are selfish by nature. So for those times that we don't want to do those things, it helps to remember that we are obligated to do those things to keep our marriage and commitment going well. So those times it does become a "have to" and I don't think that is such a bad thing. As long as it's not all the time.
gopher Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I'm one of those 'older' guys who sex drive has decreased. But I have to say that it's such a relief not have the intense sex drive I had as a younger man...I'm at the point now where casual sex does nothing for me and the only thing I am interested in is combining emotional and sexual intimacy...I'm hoping that's the case for this new woman I am dating... But, I think you have some great points and it reminded me of the 5 Love Languages and loving your SO with what makes them happy. You are a smart caring woman and your guy is fortunate to have you.
movingonandon Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Good attitude, also a reminder that one of the reasons men get married is a no hassle access to sex, so if that dwindles it will force most men to rethink the extent to which the whole arrangement makes sense to them.
taylor Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Good attitude, also a reminder that one of the reasons men get married is a no hassle access to sex, so if that dwindles it will force most men to rethink the extent to which the whole arrangement makes sense to them. Are you saying they marry for the convenience of sex, rather than because they love the woman? If the convenience is gone, they rethink the marriage? And if they had a guaranteed endless supply of sex from willing women, they would never consider marriage?
movingonandon Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Are you saying they marry for the convenience of sex, rather than because they love the woman? If the convenience is gone, they rethink the marriage? And if they had a guaranteed endless supply of sex from willing women, they would never consider marriage? Well, that's a typical passive-agressive, and extreme interpretation. Of course I'm not saying that. But, given the importance of sex and the major liability and risk associated with marriage, it better be worth it, which includes sexually willing and available partner. NO man will feel in love with sexually unavailable woman. GET IT?
blind_otter Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 What sucks, though, is that if you keep having sex most of the time they (men) think that everything is hunky dory. But then when you stop having sex with them suddenly you're a frigid bitch. But how am I supposed to get all excited and wet for someone who isn't really pulling their weight in the relationship? It seems to me like people think that women always stop having sex because they have a low libido. That is not always the case.
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I'm not married, and currently not in a relationship, but I have to agree with blind otter. sometimes it has nothing to do with libido. Connection is important to me, and if I feel my emotional needs aren't being met, well then I might have sex.............but it is a chore at that point, not really something I enjoy.
LostLamb Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I think there's nothing wrong sometimes having sex because your partner wants it. Men and women do tend to differ when it comes to sex drives unless the woman is on testosterone
OpenBook Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 Men don't just want sex, they NEED it, they need it like they need food/water and air. I will never buy this. What about all the single men out there who aren't dating anyone? Do they just fade away and die because they haven't had sex in awhile? Or do ALL of them go to a prostitute?
movingonandon Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I'm not married, and currently not in a relationship, but I have to agree with blind otter. sometimes it has nothing to do with libido. Connection is important to me, and if I feel my emotional needs aren't being met, well then I might have sex.............but it is a chore at that point, not really something I enjoy. Still, it is the better choice. Whatever other problems you perceive in the relationship with your partner will only get *worse* if you stop having sex - a viscious circle will ensue. The only constructive approach is to keep having sex and also voice your concern/s. How hard is that for crying out loud . Sex is not a leverage, and it's not doing men a favor. This is a bad attitude.
movingonandon Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 I will never buy this. What about all the single men out there who aren't dating anyone? Do they just fade away and die because they haven't had sex in awhile? Or do ALL of them go to a prostitute? So, you'd want to make your SO one of those men? Yes, many single guys will: 1) utilize internet porn; 2) have ONSs with skanks; 3) date casually; 4) go see a hooker; 5) start dating someone seriously, not necessarily in this progression. Cases where guys are completely cut off sex are extremely unlikely - they either have some serious issues or are married . More to the point, it is NONE of your business to issue verdicts what your partner's needs (sexual or otherwise) SHOULD be. If your partner wants sex, then it is probably important to them.
norajane Posted February 24, 2009 Posted February 24, 2009 My SO knows and sees that I make an effort to have more sex than my body naturally desires to, just to please him. He reciprocates that guesture in other ways, mostly by taking care of my emotional needs. That works when both of you are still in a place where you are trying to please each other and want to please each other. Problem is, in a lot of those threads about lack of sex, there are already many issues in the marriage that have been a problem for a long time, so neither person is in a mindspace where they are willing to go the extra mile when they are tired of seeing no return. Put another way, if your bf tapered off on taking care of your emotional needs, over time, taking you for granted, perhaps. Do you really think you'd be sooooo interested in making an effort to please him so much?
OpenBook Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Yes, many single guys will: 1) utilize internet porn; 2) have ONSs with skanks; 3) date casually; 4) go see a hooker; 5) start dating someone seriously, not necessarily in this progression. Ok, gotcha, I can see that. (Uh, on second thought, I don't really want to picture that.) Cases where guys are completely cut off sex are extremely unlikely - they either have some serious issues or are married . More to the point, it is NONE of your business to issue verdicts what your partner's needs (sexual or otherwise) SHOULD be. If your partner wants sex, then it is probably important to them. I quite agree. Sex is EXTREMELY important to men, no matter what I think about it. I'll be the first one in line to acknowledge that. But as vital to their survival as food, water and air???
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Still, it is the better choice. Whatever other problems you perceive in the relationship with your partner will only get *worse* if you stop having sex - a viscious circle will ensue. The only constructive approach is to keep having sex and also voice your concern/s. How hard is that for crying out loud . Sex is not a leverage, and it's not doing men a favor. This is a bad attitude. Dude, didn't say I would stop having sex. just my attitude to it at that point becomes different because the emotional part is a huge element to me. Yes the constructive thing is to keep having sex and voice concerns. I kept having sex. I tried voicing my concerns but former SO wasn't so receptive. We're trying to resolve things now with a view to getting back together. we never stopped having sex. I still did it because yes, I realise how important it is.
blind_otter Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Still, it is the better choice. Whatever other problems you perceive in the relationship with your partner will only get *worse* if you stop having sex - a viscious circle will ensue. The only constructive approach is to keep having sex and also voice your concern/s. How hard is that for crying out loud . Sex is not a leverage, and it's not doing men a favor. This is a bad attitude. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of continuing to have sex with my S/O while we were having problems. Keep in mind that because I not only have a degree in psychology, I also have several years of experience in various therapeutic settings - I am communicating the entire time that I am unhappy with what is going on between us. So we are continually arguing, but he thinks everything is basically OK - because we are still having sex. Meanwhile on my side, the relationship is completely deteriorating. And the whole time I am talking, talking, endlessly talking. Trying to maintain physical intimacy because I know men need that. Stupid, stupid me. It's not about leverage. It's the fact that as a woman you feel pathetic and objectified when you keep having sex with someone who won't treat you right.
fral945 Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I quite agree. Sex is EXTREMELY important to men, no matter what I think about it. I'll be the first one in line to acknowledge that. But as vital to their survival as food, water and air??? Maybe not quite as vital as those, but it doesn't trail far behind.
norajane Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 It's not about leverage. It's the fact that as a woman you feel pathetic and objectified when you keep having sex with someone who won't treat you right. AND a woman loses attraction and desire for that man who isn't treating her right and who isn't listening to her when she communicates. I've been in that situation - you try talking and talking and communicating, and no, he doesn't notice or accept or understand that anything is really wrong UNTIL you stop wanting to have sex. THEN, it's all, wha? huh? THEN, suddenly they notice there's something wrong. The thing is, THEN they think the problem is that you won't have sex with them! And they still don't consider that the real problems were all the things that you'd been talking about all along that they failed to hear, all the things that have caused you to lose desire for them in the first place. They don't quite get it that lack of desire for sex is a symptom of other problems in the relationship, not the main problem. Because to them, it is the main problem. Obviously, not ALL men are like this. But, the ones whose wives/gf's aren't having sex with them should at least stop and consider whether there are deeper problems in the relationship.
movingonandon Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 AND a woman loses attraction and desire for that man who isn't treating her right and who isn't listening to her when she communicates. I've been in that situation - you try talking and talking and communicating, and no, he doesn't notice or accept or understand that anything is really wrong UNTIL you stop wanting to have sex. THEN, it's all, wha? huh? THEN, suddenly they notice there's something wrong. The thing is, THEN they think the problem is that you won't have sex with them! And they still don't consider that the real problems were all the things that you'd been talking about all along that they failed to hear, all the things that have caused you to lose desire for them in the first place. They don't quite get it that lack of desire for sex is a symptom of other problems in the relationship, not the main problem. Because to them, it is the main problem. Obviously, not ALL men are like this. But, the ones whose wives/gf's aren't having sex with them should at least stop and consider whether there are deeper problems in the relationship. That I agree with. The only situation where stopping having sex is "mean" is whenever it is not accompanied by effort to voice and consider the underlying problems. (Obviously not ALL women are like this), but many assume that their partner should somehow spidy-sense their concerns , and when this doesn't happen (which of course it won't unless everything is verbalized ), they shut down... From that point on resentment will build on both sides and it is only a matter of time until the marriage explodes...
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