Author Lippy2 Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Ugh... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... Almost 6 weeks no call. I can't believe this... I cease to exist to him now. I think I really need to get more angry. It's happening little by little. People who love you as he says he does, don't DO THIS. I don't care what kind of issues he has. This is Bull****....... Who else is feeling angry today, who else wants to scream????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 I think I am going to call him today and say my goodbye's. I can't live like this anymore. I am tired of the what if's. I know I don't want to date anyone else right now. I don't even think I could look at another man. The longer I stay in this whatever limbo it is that I am in, I will never move forward. All I think about is him, even when I tell myself not too. I even feel guilty going out with my guy friends and then I end up not having fun!! I am a total mess now. Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Before you call him to say goodbye, ask yourself what you really, deep down think will happen if you call. If he hasn't called you in about 6 weeks it seems he's said his goodbye. Any attempt by you to contact him, no matter what you say to him, will feed his ego, giving him the impression that you've been pining away for him all this time. He ended things so poorly, do you want to feed his ego at this point? Also, say you called and he wanted to get together. Would you? How could you? Like someone else here mentioned, you can never trust that he won't do this disappearing act again, with no apologies, no explanation, no nothing. So what would calling him really accomplish? (Good! Get Angry!!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 Before you call him to say goodbye, ask yourself what you really, deep down think will happen if you call. If he hasn't called you in about 6 weeks it seems he's said his goodbye. Any attempt by you to contact him, no matter what you say to him, will feed his ego, giving him the impression that you've been pining away for him all this time. He ended things so poorly, do you want to feed his ego at this point? Also, say you called and he wanted to get together. Would you? How could you? Like someone else here mentioned, you can never trust that he won't do this disappearing act again, with no apologies, no explanation, no nothing. So what would calling him really accomplish? (Good! Get Angry!!!) Thank you Bubblegum!!! I think I needed that kick in the butt again. It just hurts and I feel in limbo, although I know I shouldn't.. Just tough to hear how great I am and how much he loves me and wants to be with but says he can't right now. Makes NO SENSE, I know!!! Your right, been there done this. How do I let it go? I am trying to do things but am so sad and pathetic, that I think I bring everyone else down. Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 I know, it's awful, how you're feeling. But over time, you'll heal. Maybe making lists of the negative ways he's treated you, not just how he ended it, but during the course of your relationship--maybe making lists will help feed the anger, which is a necessary step to go thru when getting over this type of thing. Oh, and judging by how he's behaved at the end of the r/s, I'm SURE there are other ways he treated you poorly during the r/s! Am I right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 I know, it's awful, how you're feeling. But over time, you'll heal. Maybe making lists of the negative ways he's treated you, not just how he ended it, but during the course of your relationship--maybe making lists will help feed the anger, which is a necessary step to go thru when getting over this type of thing. Oh, and judging by how he's behaved at the end of the r/s, I'm SURE there are other ways he treated you poorly during the r/s! Am I right? Well, no not really. He always treated me very well in the relationship. It's the times when he does this, that don't make any sense. Otherwise, he has always treated me well, which is another reason it doesn't make sense to me. See, that's where I get confused? Does he truly get overwhelmed and stressed by his work ( he is a true workalholic) ? I think not. He was right in that last conversation when he said he is in his 40's a mature adult and he needs to figure things out . He most certainly does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I feel like I was lied to!!! Why do people do this?? That's what I want to know, why tell someone something you don't feel?? Men and there space, sorry I know I am being gender specific here but Men do this more than women I believe. Can his mind really be that messed up at his age, that he needs to be by himself to figure it all out? Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I don't know. But he certainly isn't concerned about you and your feelings (no matter if he says he is) by just disappearing in order to "get himself together." People don't do that to each other for extended periods of time. Well, people who are selfish do, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I agree with bubblegum. I think he's using you to make himself feel better and less guilty for what he's done to you. Remember he has to earn YOUR trust back too. It's not about just forgive and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 How does it make him feel less guilty and better? Don't lies make you feel worse? I guess I seriously bought into what he told me. I never thought it was just a load of crap. Does he think he did me a favor? Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Because he left you. You were his perfect girlfriend and he left YOU. Not the other way around. If he can convince himself his leaving was better for you (even if it's not what you want) than he can alleviate the guilt of not trying to make it work. I am going through this right now. Read my thread in the separation and divorce column. It's not easy being left by someone you thought loved you. Being told you don't matter to them like they matter to you. He is using you as a crutch to feel better so he can get on with his life with out you. He's made that clear in his actions not his words. One thing I have learned in my life is when the words and the actions contradict, it's always the actions that tell you the true story. He doesn't think he did you a favor, he did himself a favor. If he can convince you it was for you, less guilt for him and more guilt for you. He would have called if he wanted. He is telling you how he feels through his actions (not calling). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Because he left you. You were his perfect girlfriend and he left YOU. Not the other way around. If he can convince himself his leaving was better for you (even if it's not what you want) than he can alleviate the guilt of not trying to make it work. I am going through this right now. Read my thread in the separation and divorce column. It's not easy being left by someone you thought loved you. Being told you don't matter to them like they matter to you. He is using you as a crutch to feel better so he can get on with his life with out you. He's made that clear in his actions not his words. One thing I have learned in my life is when the words and the actions contradict, it's always the actions that tell you the true story. He doesn't think he did you a favor, he did himself a favor. If he can convince you it was for you, less guilt for him and more guilt for you. He would have called if he wanted. He is telling you how he feels through his actions (not calling). Sorry to hear you are going through this as well. It is heart breaking. I guess what I am wondering is : He said one of the reasons he is doing this is he feels guilty all the time because right now he doesn't have the time with the new job position etc and that it wasn't fair to me and he always feels guilty, like he is being a bad boyfriend and that I don't deserve that. So, I suppose what I am asking is : can people really be sincere in saying that? Could that really be how he feels or is it really just a COPOUT for him? I am going to go read your thread now. Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I don't have answers for you when it comes to what he's thinking or doing. As one of the people on my thread told me, you will drive yourself crazy thinking what the other person thinks or means. All you can do is take care of yourself. I can guess, though, and I'd say that you hit the nail on the head. When I started with my STBX we lived on nothing in a crappy apt while I finished school. We then lived like paupers to afford the house we currently have. If you love someone this is what it means to stick together. If everyone waited to get married until they were "ready" there would be very few marriages indeed. Did I feel guilty because I couldn't provide the way I wanted or do the things we wanted because I was in school, yes but I also knew it would be better in the long run. Again, this is all a guess and based on some of my experiences. Another thing I learned from my marriage is when it's important you find and make the time. This is something my STBX never did for me or could figure out why I was hurt when she didn't. There comes a point where you have to realize actions speak louder than words. bubblegums seems to have given some good advice to you (among others) try rereading your thread and asking yourself: if this wasn't me but happening to my best friend, sister, or someone else, what would I tell them? Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I have a feeling he has some problems that are underneath all the drama he's putting you and everyone else through. It seems like he can't make a relationship work with anyone. When it doesn't he comes running back to you for emotional support until he finds his next train wreck. This might be great for him but it leaves you out cold. Take care of yourself. Let him take care if himself. After all it's what he wanted. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's hard when you love someone who has a problem being in a real relationship. Sometimes people have two different ideas of what it takes to make a relationship work. Sometimes, people don't want the responsibilities of a relationship but they want all the benefits of a relationship. That doesn't work. You fought hard to get where you are. Don't give in. Save your energy and emotions for someone who deserves it and will give it back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I have a feeling he has some problems that are underneath all the drama he's putting you and everyone else through. It seems like he can't make a relationship work with anyone. When it doesn't he comes running back to you for emotional support until he finds his next train wreck. This might be great for him but it leaves you out cold. Take care of yourself. Let him take care if himself. After all it's what he wanted. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's hard when you love someone who has a problem being in a real relationship. Sometimes people have two different ideas of what it takes to make a relationship work. Sometimes, people don't want the responsibilities of a relationship but they want all the benefits of a relationship. That doesn't work. You fought hard to get where you are. Don't give in. Save your energy and emotions for someone who deserves it and will give it back to you. That made me cry but not in a bad way.. Thanks Biggie25x.. He does have his own issues and he has said that more than a few times. I thought after last years "space" that he was on a different path. He seemed much happier with himself and everything else, then this work thing happened and the economy and he seemed all out of sorts. I don't honestly believe there are OTHERS but I could be wrong. He has always had issues with I think trying to prove himself~ like to his parents~particularly his father. He feels like he isn't good enough so he proves it through his work ( he's very very good at his job). He feels like he should take care of everything, even his ex wife because after all she is the mother of his child ( his words) (that was 23 years ago). I don't know, maybe you are right... maybe there are others. Maybe I have never meant a thing to him and he is just a great liar, player. I have no idea what to think anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I am not saying that he didn't love you or even doesn't in his own way. I think, though, that it sounds like he needs to figure out what HE wants in life before he can commit to you. That is something you can't give or provide for him he has to find it for himself. All you can do is realize he's not there for you and probably isn't going to be there for you like you want. You than have two choices-move on and take care of yourself knowing you're a great person who someone else will appreciate or spend the rest of your life desperate and waiting for him. I know which path I would take. Sometimes people always find a reason to be down. There's always an excuse. You have to realize it's not external factors influencing them it's just them and how they deal with stressors. It's like someone who smokes but can't quit because something is always too stressful (I know I quit over 4 years ago). If they never quit it's not because of external factors (life is always going to be stressful) making them smoke but because they don't have the mental fortitude to quit. They have no follow through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I really do appreciate your advice. You seem so very well rounded. I really feel for your situation. I read your post and it was heartbreaking to me. Are you still doing 180? I still struggle not to call or text him. I know it's better for me in the long run not too. Sometimes, I feel a little like I lost part of myself in the last couple of years with him and last year, I went to therapy on my own to deal with things from my past that I needed to deal with and I was on my back and I feel like this set me back again. UGH!!! I had abandonment issues from my father when I was younger and then again when I was older and he committed sucicide. I dealt with them it was hard but his disappearing act brings it back. I know I am a good person and I gave it my all. Just hurts knowing this person who says they love you and want you and still do, just doesn't have the time for you now. UGH!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 UGH... I don't feel awful, just weird. I texted him, he responded, just odd though. don't know what to think... Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Maybe your starting to get to a spot in your life where you can look back and realize that what you really had was different that what you thought or wanted to have. That you deserve better than what he gave and know that you will be fine without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lippy2 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 I suppose maybe... I still miss him... His responses were strange to me. He was like " i'm ok.. health issues but ok." and he mentioned that like three times during the texting. He said I guess work is better but still very busy. Then again he mentioned going to see a different doctor for his health issue. I then ask if he wasn't busy to give me a call because i wanted to see what the issue was and if it was serious... He said he was at the gym right now. I don't know what to think anymore. I thought he would tell me he was doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
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