Hopeful09 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Okay I am 26 years old, my boyfriend of 8 years is also 26. We started dating at the end of our senior year and broke up and had some rocky times for a while but otherwise have been somewhat strong. He currently has no job, lost it like so many others, and he lives with his parents, as do I. I was a full time college student and we planned to move back out together once I graduated, which I recently did. I am looking to possibly buy a home instead of rent so we are staying with our parents. Anyway, my issue is that over the years he has changed his mind about marriage. He went from saying marriage is pointless and he never wanted to get married (only seen failed marriages over the years), to telling me he wants to marry me one day, to now simply saying he doesn't know if he will ever want to (also if he will ever want kids). I have stayed with him and put up with it for so long because I simply thought he needed time to grow up a bit, but living with his parents and not working has just caused him to be depressed. I am also a Christian and I want to make things right by getting married and moving forward with our lives. Am I wasting my time or should I wait longer until he starts working and gets out of his depression? A lot of people say we are still young and many guys wont want to get married till they are closer to 30 or so, but all I am asking of him is to tell me that ONE DAY he will want to marry me, doesn't have to be any time soon (can't afford it right now anyway). Okay so I'd like your thoughts, even though I'm sure I wont like some of them Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Well if you made it 8 years together, that's more than most marriages, so pat yourself on the back . It would be stoopid to marry in a such a vulnerable moment, though, IMO. Focus on having a good relationship, and barring any crises, i don't see why you wouldn't get married once you establish yourself. You can talk about it, but avoid the temptation to destroy everything by issuing ultimatims As for the Christian stuff and all , you've already reserved a spot in hell for going like this for 8 year, so why worry about it Link to post Share on other sites
lovestory5 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 It is really true that men don't want to get married, but the main mistake is the waste of time. Every step of relationships should has its own time. 8 years is too long. You lose your time now. He wioll never get married wiht you. He will have depression for long time. He needs new feelings and you can't give them to him as he can't too. Find a new guy for you. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
princess Linda Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 if a guy TRULY loves you he would want to marry u -no matter what his age. he would work hard and fast at preparing for the marriage. even take on a second job if he had to. plus there's no excuse not to have a job! we live in AMERICA land of opportunities. we don't know true saddness or depression until you've lived in a 3rd world war torn country -where u can litterally find no place to work or food. so tell him to take it like a man & stop feeling sorry for himself and get a J-O-B!! get over it and move on! have some self respect. that's what love is -respect! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 OP, continue on with your plans for your life. Don't ever put your life plans on hold for a man. You can support him on his path if you wish, but don't alter yours. Is your BF also Christian? I'm thinking lack of common ground there and with children might be deal-breakers. Hard to know. Eight years is a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I think that after 8 years there needs to be more certainty about the future. If he's still unsure if he wants to marry you after 8 years that's a problem. Do you want to marry and have kids? Does he know how you feel about marriage and kids? Do you discuss this openly? You seem to have a plan in mind. You graduated college and you're saving for a house. What are his long term plans? Does he have an education? Career plan? Any sort of wish for the future? Are you sure this is the guy you want to marry? I don't mean to question your relationship but you didn't once say that you love him, cherish him or want to spend the rest of your life with him. Make sure this relationship hasn't burned out and turned in to little more than habit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful09 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I do love him, I just didn't write it in my post because I assumed it was obvious since I want to marry him =). And we have talked about marriage many times and his feelings always change, then he gets to the point where he just doesn't want to discuss it anymore. I think because he isn't ready now since his life isn't in order, he can't seem to picture the future. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Okay I am 26 years old, my boyfriend of 8 years is also 26. We started dating at the end of our senior year and broke up and had some rocky times for a while but otherwise have been somewhat strong. He currently has no job, lost it like so many others, and he lives with his parents, as do I. I was a full time college student and we planned to move back out together once I graduated, which I recently did. I am looking to possibly buy a home instead of rent so we are staying with our parents. Anyway, my issue is that over the years he has changed his mind about marriage. He went from saying marriage is pointless and he never wanted to get married (only seen failed marriages over the years), to telling me he wants to marry me one day, to now simply saying he doesn't know if he will ever want to (also if he will ever want kids). I have stayed with him and put up with it for so long because I simply thought he needed time to grow up a bit, but living with his parents and not working has just caused him to be depressed. I am also a Christian and I want to make things right by getting married and moving forward with our lives. Am I wasting my time or should I wait longer until he starts working and gets out of his depression? A lot of people say we are still young and many guys wont want to get married till they are closer to 30 or so, but all I am asking of him is to tell me that ONE DAY he will want to marry me, doesn't have to be any time soon (can't afford it right now anyway). Okay so I'd like your thoughts, even though I'm sure I wont like some of them Thanks! Yes leave him, you sound like a very supportive girlfriend<sarcasm>. Maybe hes wasting his time with someone like you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful09 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 wow that was a harsh comment. I am a very supportive girlfriend. You honestly don't know a lot of the stuff we have been through. I've supported him through a lot of things that he has done and gone through and I just don't wish to discuss on here so I will ignore that comment. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 wow that was a harsh comment. I am a very supportive girlfriend. You honestly don't know a lot of the stuff we have been through. I've supported him through a lot of things that he has done and gone through and I just don't wish to discuss on here so I will ignore that comment. You ignore it because you cant handle criticism. Dont expect any sympathy from me. Tell your boyfriend that you think youre wasting your time with him and see what he says and how that makes him feel. Dont flatter yourself by thinking youre doing him a favor by being with him. Link to post Share on other sites
bec1988 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 In the end, I suppose if you have different goals in life (you want marriage and kids, he doesn't), your lives are not going to match. I think it's a very common thing with men and woman though - woman are maternal and want to settle down and have a family, and men don't (i'm generalising here, obviously). I have similar concerns with my partner - we are only 20 but I want to have kids young etc., and he doesn't want that at all. I went through a phase a while ago of wondering if this would be the deal breaker... and if i was wasting my time and better off "getting out" now. But then I thought: I want HIM to be the father of my children. I want HIM to be my family. I want to see HIS face when he looks at OUR child for the first time. I guess I just have to wait for him to be ready. For me, it seems worthwhile (at least now, I may have different thoughts when I'm 26). If this was the deal breaker for you, could you leave him? Or do you feel the same as above? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful09 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 For one, I never once said I was doing him a favor by staying with him. I do love him, but if we don't want the same future, I question whether or not we should stay together. I never said I would ditch him when he is in a bad situation. Second, I didnt' post this to be critized by someone or for sympathy. I can take critisizm from someone who actually knows me and my whole situation. You don't know me, him or our whole situation so you cannot possibly tell me that I am not supportive of him because if you knew me then you would know you are completely wrong. I left this post to have some real feedback on my situation. So go waste your time leaving rude comments to someone who actually cares what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful09 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 To Bec, I do know what you mean. I always wanted him to be the father of my children and my husband, but then again if he doesn't want either of those things, then I don't know if I can live my whole life without being a mother. I have always hoped he would change his mind and I never put any pressure on him about it because I figured we are young and have plenty of time. Now that I have graduated from college and am ready to move forward, I start to wonder if I should keep waiting and hoping he will change his mind, or find someone who wants the same things. For a long time I thought I'd rather be with him and miss out because of how much I love him, but then I second guess that because I will miss out on some things that are really important to me. I go back and forth on it a lot obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
bec1988 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Yeah, it's very difficult. You're pretty much living the situation I've seen myself being in in 3-4 years. I really feel for you. I do. With my own situation (this may or may not be helpful for you, idk), we will be finishing university in 3 years, when we are 23. I'm hoping my partner will be ready for "the next step" by then, but I don't think this is likely as he wants to travel before settling down. We are currently living together but I think we will probably take a step back when we are about 23, as he will go travelling (I see myself focusing on my career more). I'm hoping that when he gets back, he'll be ready. If I get to 28 and I am 110% in the right moment for kids (regarding my career etc) and I am still with the same partner and he is STILL not ready, I think I will put forward an ultimatum: marriage and kids, or nothing. I do NOT want to be having kids after I am 30 (and 28 is the last possible time I can leave it then, since I want a couple). If he is still not ready by then, I will be a single mother and raise my children myself. That's what I've decided for now anyway. Hopefully it doesn't ever come to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful09 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Ya, we are in very similar situations. I don't think I will give him an ultimatum, but I will wait a while and then see how he sees our future (once he is out of this rut) and make my decision then. I really cannot imagine leaving him, it would be the hardest thing in the world to do, but it may be what is right for me in the long run, we will see. Well I hope your situation turns out how you want it to! Maybe your guy just needs time, that is what I always hoped about with mine. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackLovely Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Okay I am 26 years old, my boyfriend of 8 years is also 26. We started dating at the end of our senior year and broke up and had some rocky times for a while but otherwise have been somewhat strong. He currently has no job, lost it like so many others, and he lives with his parents, as do I. I was a full time college student and we planned to move back out together once I graduated, which I recently did. I am looking to possibly buy a home instead of rent so we are staying with our parents. Anyway, my issue is that over the years he has changed his mind about marriage. He went from saying marriage is pointless and he never wanted to get married (only seen failed marriages over the years), to telling me he wants to marry me one day, to now simply saying he doesn't know if he will ever want to (also if he will ever want kids). I have stayed with him and put up with it for so long because I simply thought he needed time to grow up a bit, but living with his parents and not working has just caused him to be depressed. I am also a Christian and I want to make things right by getting married and moving forward with our lives. Am I wasting my time or should I wait longer until he starts working and gets out of his depression? A lot of people say we are still young and many guys wont want to get married till they are closer to 30 or so, but all I am asking of him is to tell me that ONE DAY he will want to marry me, doesn't have to be any time soon (can't afford it right now anyway). Okay so I'd like your thoughts, even though I'm sure I wont like some of them Thanks! Try not to pay any attention to people who haven't taken their meds today. This forum is for support, not rudeness. I know you can handle criticism because you acknowledged that you may not like some responses. Anyhoo, I have to agree that you're wasting your time. Do you really want to marry someone that you have to raise? Your boyfriends sounds like a baby-living at home with no job! Also, I think that he doesn't know what he wants. This is why my fiance is eight years my senior. Men in their twenties are generally very immature. In fact, some men never grow up. I would suggest you try having an honest discussion with him about what you need from this relationship. If he doesn't want marriage or isn't sure, ask yourself if you want to waste even more time. Let him know that if he doesn't want to marry you, you will need to find someone else that is on the same page as you. Sweetheart, I know it will be hard to leave, but you will respect yourself more for doing this. Next time, don't allow a man to string you along for so long. Make sure to only date marriage minded men from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful09 Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 Thank you for your comment lovely, I have some real thinking to do Link to post Share on other sites
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