I'm controlling and untrusting due to insecurities. Which should I seek?

[D-1]

Hi all

I feel I need professional help to help me resolve my insecurities. I would like to post this message and hear from people who have had similar problems to me and what kind of help they seeked and if that help actually worked.

 

This should give you alittle background to my insecurities.

 

1) I find it very difficult to trust people. Therefore I find myself very secretive to people (average joes). I am very open and honest to my partners as that is the way it must be in a r'ship. I believe my partners are honest to me too. At times my partner will tell me something (it may not be of any importance) and I will remember it. If a week or month later that same topic gets brought up again but this time I hear something slightly different then I will question her. I sort of see it like 'why am I hearing two diiferent stories? - is she lying to me?'. I need to stop this as I'm pushing her away as she feels I'm always testing her.

 

2) If she goes out into town I get nervous as I always feel she may be chatted up by some guy and then that becomes a threat to me. To eliminate that from happening I would prefer it if she didn't go out. Also another reason I would prefer it if she didn't go out is because she may bump into one of her previous boyfriends and ignite an old flame. Also I hate the thought of my partner being imtimate with her previous boyfriends even if it was before she met me. The thing I hate the thought of most is in her younger days she went out, got drunk and then was intimate with someone. I hate the thought as it was the drink that made her do it. I've never done it myself so I can't understand it. I see it as very cheap and nasty. I've had sex with some people after meeting them only twice but I've never had sex with someone on a drunken night. So what I'm saying here is becaused I don't understand it it must be wrong.

 

I know feeling and being like this is very destructive for my partner and most of all for myself self. I need to change but have trouble thinking differently by myself. I believe this all stems from my childhood and has resulted in me just simply not trusting people. I really want help and to not think like this anymore as it making the good things in my life distance themselves from me. I also wonder if I need something alittle stronger than just talking to someone as I think it's ingrained into me and I'm also probably just too stubborn to listen. I just want to be able to not these things bother me. For instance if she spent two minutes in a bar chatting to an ex then it wouldn't bother me in the slighest. At the moment if that happened I would hit the roof.

 

If anyone has thought like me OR knows the best way of dealing with this OR knows precisely what type of professional help I need, then please reply to this post?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Ronni_W]

How it generally works is that our insecurities (fear of being abandoned, smothered, etc.) lead us to resort to maladaptive (dysfunctional) coping strategies, of which there is a long, long list. Control/manipulation, jealousy, black-or-white thinking, passive-aggressiveness, aggressiveness, blaming, denying, minimizing, age-inappropriate behaviour (tantrums, crying, etc.), criticism/self-criticism, etc., etc., etc.

 

Whatever our dysfunctional behaviours, they're designed to give us a sense of safety, comfort and security. At least, that is how they used to work for us as children. As adults, they're not really effective at all, in helping us achieve what we want to be, do and have.

Our specific combination of insecurities and maladaptive strategies arise from the misguided, inaccurate and/or incomplete beliefs about life, love and relationships, which we've been developing for ourselves since Day 1.

 

The good news is that we CAN make all the changes to which we commit ourselves. I started at age 40 and my mom at age 65, and we both have made good gains -- there is NOTHING that is so "ingrained" that cannot be turned around when we know that it is what WE really want (and not just doing it for someone else.)

 

Whatever course of therapy you undertake will essentially lead you to exploring your current set of "core beliefs", and making deletions, additions and changes to that.

Cognitive Therapy focuses on where you are currently, and seeks to make improvements from 'here'. Psychotherapy does the same, but most often starts with an examination of your childhood experiences...which, it can be interesting to find out where/why your belief system originated but can take longer to get to changing them.

 

You're right that your psyche likely will initially resist some (most?) of what you hear from your therapist, or read in a book. But. If you are serious about changing your non-productive and ineffective beliefs & thought patterns, you will simply press on, like the rest of us did with our therapists and self-help .

 

The book 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda' by Freeman and DeWolf, is an excellent self-help intro to Cognitive Therapy.

In conjunction with that, you may want to improve your positive communication/listening skills. (If you work with a therapist, that will be part of the deal, in the normal course of your sessions.) This article deals with self-expression. http://ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Communication---6-Tips-For-Effective-Use&id=10259

 

There are a few free on-line personal growth/development resources that you may also wish to check:

Emotional intelligence: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

Negative core beliefs: http://core-beliefs-balance.com/ (the free-to-copy stuff is at the bottom of the page...scroll way down .)

Various articles & coping strategies: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/backissuesRBNEW.htm

I don't have a link for "active listening skills", but you could Google that.

 

Finally. At the beginning, you may find it easier/faster to work with a therapist -- the one-on-one guidance can be really useful and motivating, and you get to practice your new skills in a safe setting. Also, it's good to get feedback on how you're doing, and to know that you do have a professional to help you when you get stuck, which does happen.

 

Good luck. It's hard work, that's for sure...but, IME, the rewards are well worth the effort!

[D-1]

Hi Ronni W

 

Wow thank you so much for your reply. I did post a similar message on another forum on this site a few days ago. Whilst the replies I got were interesting and food for thought, they were already telling me what I know. And that being I'm at fault. They weren't exactly encouraging but I do need/like the blunt truth.

 

This message you typed cleary shows you have experience yourself of this kind of thing. It makes perfect sense when you say I'm trying to create a sense of security for myself.

 

May I ask was your issue/s similar to mine? And how long did it take you to change your trail of thought to state where it became you natural way of thinking?

 

I think I would prefer to see a psychotherapist even if it may take longer to correct my thoughts. As I do not want a quick fix but instead a proper permanent fix.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi D-1. I relate to your post alot because in many ways i'm the same. Has your girlfriend ever given you a reason to doubt her? Does your insecurity emerge from trust she has broken in the past? Or is this entirely from you? When we are close to people, they tend to get the best of us and the worst of us because we feel safe to let that out with them. As i've learnt, the more you pour unfounded insecurity, control, jealousy etc onto a person, the more you will kill the love they have for you and push them away. That is if the feelings are unfounded. If they come from a place of truth (i.e. she's cheated before), then though counterproductive, they at least make sense.

 

If they come from nowhere, you have to see what the true emotion you're feeling is. Insecurity, jealousy etc I think all stem from past hurt or fear. Have you been hurt before in some way and now have come to expect it? That's in part the case for me...It's scary to let the past go because you kind of feel that what you learn from being hurt is to take extra-precautions next time...though that's not really the lesson. Have you told her how you're feeling or are you worried to admit to her that you feel this way?

[Ronni_W]

It's definitely not an "at fault" situation -- at any point, we're all doing the best we know how to do, given what we know and have learned thus far.

For me, it would only be a "fault" if we don't make the effort to do better once we know that "better" exists.

 

At the same time, as adults, we are responsible for our own beliefs, thoughts, and attitudes. (Some people get stuck blaming their parents and other childhood caregivers but, even if all of them did screw-up royally, it is still on our adult Self to learn whatever knowledge and skills will help us be happy and successful in life.)

 

Almost, it's not so much a "fault" to act dysfunctionally...it is just incredibly unwise to STAY dysfunctional once we become aware that we are using maladaptive strategies to try to be, do and have what we really want. [EDIT: That is, mostly our dysfunctions are unconscious so it doesn't make too much sense to "blame/fault" on the conscious/logical level...makes more sense to just set about improving things.]

 

Cognitive Therapy is not "lesser than" -- it requires the same levels of commitment and practice, and will also offer you proper and permanent new ways of thinking about things. Psychotherapy is also cognitive, of course.

 

My entire list of crap is way too long to put it all down. Control issues, perfectionism, "my way or the highway" attitude, addictive tendencies, procrastination, self-criticism -- those are the major ones that I can think of right now. It really all comes down to lack of self-awareness and lack of healthy coping skills. [EDIT: Missed my one of biggest dysfunctions -- over-responsibility -- wrongly felt it my "job" to ensure everyone else's safety, comfort and security.]

 

And, of course, I've always had a truckload of positive qualities, too (which, in my "old" incarnation, I wasn't too in touch with -- therapy helps with that, too.) My goal was, and continues to be, to minimize my crappy thoughts and behaviours, and reach the full potential of all my good stuff. I will be striving for that on my deathbed -- we're just not going to get to "perfect" in this lifetime.

 

How long it takes to start to notice improvements will depend on your depth of desire for it, and on your willingness to work really hard at it.

I actually started with a stress management course, which was also my intro to assertiveness and effective communications skills. My best recall is that it took about 3 months (of lots & lots of practice) for it to come somewhat naturally to use "I" statements and the like.

 

It's an on-going process, like I said. At least, that's how I view it -- where I do achieve my original goal, I raise my bar. Mostly, though, and especially in the first few years, it's about making and correcting "mistakes". (Which, because of my perfectionist tendencies, would lead me to self-criticism...then I just had to take a deep breath and say, "Okay. Perfect. Start again, please.")

 

It's really tough to put a time-line on mine: I started off really slowly, about 10 years ago. Attended workshops, seminars and courses, including mindfulness meditation, for about 5 years. Then started working quite diligently with a therapist* for about 2 years, still attended workshops, etc., and also did a LOT of self-help reading. I've been mostly "self-help" for the past 2 or 3 years, but still visit my therapist if/when that feels necessary.

 

*Not the same therapist, though. Some are better than others, and sometimes one therapist is great to get you to your 'next level', and then you need someone else to take you further. Kind of, an excellent Grade 3 math teacher doesn't necessarily have the knowledge and skills to teach Grade 7 math.

 

Sorry -- another long post...that's my Perfectionist, trying to cover everything . If there's something I've missed, though, please do ask.

[D-1]

Nikki Sahagin

No she has given me no reason to not trust her. This insecurity is entirely coming from me. I feel I have been like this in each of my r'ships. Being untrusting, controlling etc (but not in a hurtful way in that makes sense). I know me being like this gives them a hard time but they stick with me because they can see I'm a genuinely honest kind hearted person who will look after them. As I get insecure and untrusting in my past r'ships it's clear to see that I will continue to be like this unless I make an consious effort to change. Trust me I absolutely hate feeling like this. It is making me so unhappy and the person I'm with isn't enjoying it either. I am very open and honest with my girlfriend. She says it's not my fault I'm like this and she can see I hate being like this. So I believe she is willing to stick with me.

I believe this way of thinking has resulted from my childhood with being let down and not having stable ground to grow up in.

 

Ronni W

Again your posts are excellent. I explained to my girlfriend last night that you left a quality post on here for me. She wants to see it so I will show her when we meet next.

Take note of the above response to Nikki as it will give you a little more insight to me. It sounds like you have certainly been there, done it and brought the t-shirt. It is encouraging to hear your opinions. If I'm honest I keep reading that seeking help will help me towards a better path. But I've thought like this for so long that I will be amazed if I'm corrected in the slighest. I know this is negative thinking but I am so up for trying I will definately give it my best shot. If it can make me a more chilled person and have a 'water off a ducks back' approach then I would be absolutely delighted.

I liked when you mentioned that some therapists may be able to take me to a certain level but thereafter I may need a different therapist to progress me further. I will keep an eye out for this.

That book you suggested 'Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda' by Freeman and DeWolf I have ordered already. Well it's a start. Currently in the process of seeking a good professional therapist.

Fingers crossed that this all works as just to repeat myself if this can make me more relaxed and not let things effect me then it would be brilliant.

 

Thanks you so much again.

[Ronni_W]

D-1,

Thanks for your kind words...I very much appreciate it.

I guess, yes, I have been some places and done some things and bought some t-shirts...but much more for me to do than has already been done, to be honest.

 

It's not that you need to be "corrected", though -- you are perfectly fine exactly as you are...you were born perfectly fine .

 

It is that your limiting beliefs and ineffective, habitual ways of thinking about and doing things need to be tweaked a bit...so that they will better serve your current-day needs, goals and desires.

 

All the stuff that needs tweaking was learned by you, so it can ALSO be unlearned by you -- no "crossed fingers" needed -- you CAN achieve all the changes you decide and work at. You CAN do it because you have the desire and (it comes across in your posts that) you are intelligent. That's ALL that is needed. Seriously.

 

Yes, you are right that it started in your childhood. But that makes no difference to your ultimate success. My mom's crap also started in her childhood, and SHE only started working on her changes at age 65 -- if she could do it at that age, you certainly can, at yours! Yes?

 

Congrats on already having taken your first steps -- hope you find 'Woulda, Coulda' to be a useful resource.

Finding the best therapist to work with can be a bit challenging -- if you get stuck, let me know and I'll see if I can help. (I just Googled, "how to find a good therapist" but the articles I hit seem somehow lacking, to me.)

 

Since you mentioned having control issues, you might find 'Boundaries: Where You End And I Begin' by Anne Katherine, to be an interesting read.

(Note though, that ALL controlling behaviour is hurtful...even what we perceive as "nice, gentle, for-their-own-good" kind of controlling -- that does actually exist, in reality .)

 

To become generally more "relaxed and serene", possibly 'Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies For Modern Life' by Sakyong Mipham.

 

Of course, if you REALLY are serious about giving all of it your best shot, you will just have to give up your negative thinking about it so...if you will, please repeat (out loud) after me, "Yes, I CAN change all the things that I want to change! There is no one and nothing that will stop me."

Excellent! Now say it twice more...and repeat 3 times daily

 

Good luck...have fun...approach it with a sense of playfulness and adventure. YOU CAN DO IT!!!