hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I'm not really sure why I am putting this out here, it's extremely private but I am having a difficult time accepting that he wants out of our marriage. He started feeling differently about us a year ago after getting emotionally involved with a woman from his work. Our last year has been stressful, new job for him and my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) having a baby, house repairs, etc, etc. I figure what could be happening is that he is having a mid-life crisis. He is 40 years old. I have tried everything to reach him, to make him come down to earth but it feels as though I am fighting a losing battle. He will not give up his relationship with OW (he claims it's not sexual), claims that he loves the OW and that the OW is accepting that he needs to make a "decision" on what to do, but on the other hand we are still the best of friends, go out to dinner, live under the same roof and share a bed. I love him. I can't let go. The difficulty now lies in the present situation. Financially, we cannot part ways and the problem I foresee is that I still love him, am still IN love with him. To see him, hear his voice, be near him will not help me heal from this. He still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart pitter patter and thump. Even just the thought of him makes me crave being with him. What could I do about this? Here is his latest email to me. I know you don't want to hear from me, but I needed to tell you that you are right. Just about everything you said last > night was right, but I was too cowardly/selfish to want to talk about it. I have sat stalling on what to do simply to > buy myself extra time, and that is fair on no-one...especially you. I understand your anger and I am so sorry for > getting angry and storming off. You have done nothing wrong, and do not deserve any of this. > > I have cried so many tears knowing I was going to hurt you, and I can barely see now for the tears. I have loved you for > so long, and we have shared many wonderful days, weeks and moments together. I will always treasure them, and count > myself blessed for the time we have had, and if it wasn't for me we could have more, but my love for you has changed in > the last year or more. I cannot seem to love you the way I should, and the way you deserve. If it wasn't now then it > would likely be a year from now, or two years, and none of it is your fault....that is why this hurts so much. It's all > my fault, and really its not to do with any other woman. It's about my selfish mind. When you came into my life you > completed me...you made me whole. I once told you that I always felt I had never found what I was looking for until I > met you, and that was sooooo true. What you gave me all those years agois still there, but now it's me that is breaking > the whole, and I am so very sorry. > > To finally answer your question....if I had two people on my arm and could save only one....it would be you every time, > even over my own family members. You deserve more from life than anyone I have ever met, but I don't think I can give it > you now. I will likely come to regret it, but I don't want to begin to resent you. I would rather walk away and cherish > our love than forget it as we break apart in apathy. > > I don't want you to reply to this email. I am not putting it out there to upset you, or try to make me look like a nice > guy. I have wronged you and deserve every morsel of scorn from you, but I don't want us to lose what we have had in a > sea of bitterness, either way. I have broken your heart, but I have broken mine too. > > > I do love you in many many ways. Does anyone out there have any thoughts? Should I keep trying? Is this really wants he WANTS to do? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelygurl Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I read your letter and I cried so much. I am in still so much pain from my recent break up. I was coasting along okay for a little more than a week, but now today I have crashed again. I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. If I were you I would stop trying. He is telling you that he no longer wants to try. Once they have reached that point there is nothing you can do to make them see it any other way. I've been on both ends of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I say you completely avoid him, stop contacting him, stop sleeping in the same bed as him, etc. Make arrangements to get out of the house whenever you can. Be cool and pleasant with him, but don't be cold or sappy or romantic. Don't cry in front of him. Show that you're a strong, confident woman who's going to go about your life. I bet that's what initially pulled him to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 hopesndreams, I hate to break this to you...but there is someone else. He may not have it up and running right now but men do not walk away from women who make them feel like this unless there is a damn good reason ... and more often than not, the reason is there is someone else. That is a lovely email he sent you, but at the end of it... it still says the same thing. It's over. He's done and he's walking away. He may not have the other person right within his grasp right now, but he has freed himself up in order to pursue her. I'm sorry - but I've seen this so many times on this forum and I've actually been on the receiving end of it... so I honestly cannot say he's screwed in the head and doesn't know what he wants. He's made himself pretty clear - he's just doing it with lots of nice loving sentiments. When you boil what he says right down to basics... it's the same. He's done hon. Link to post Share on other sites
Template Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 That is such a sad letter! However, I have to agree with lonely on this, but the time has passed, and it's probably time for you to both move on. If he just doesn't feel it, there's really nothing you or him can do. If you try, you'll both end up resenting it, and each other, and I don't think it's something either of you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Juno Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. My advice maybe a little clouded because I am going thru my own heartbreak at the moment. But here it is anyway.... Sounds like your husband wants to be free of his obligation from your marriage to pursue this women freely and openly witout guilt. I have a friend who is envolved with someone from the workplace. (both parties married) It has been going on for nearly 3 years. The only reason he has not asked his wife for a separation is because they have kids together, otherwise she would have received a Dear Jane letter such as yours. Sounds like your husband truely loves you, but the urge to be free to pursue this relationship is overwhelming. Most likely she has become his "work wife" if you are familar with that term. He is probably obsessed with taking it to the next level, if he hasn't already. I am not saying this to hurt you by no means....please believe me, but I have seen this time and time again with office romances. Individuals involved believe and have convinced themselves what they feel is real, and they can make it work...throwing all caution to the wind. I knew of yet another former co-worker who did such a thing. Each party divorced their respective spouse after a year or so of so called "affair of the heart". But in the end, when it came time for them to solidify their union, it became apparent what they were in pursuit of was passion which was missing at home. If he has reached this point of sending you such a letter, he has more than likely made up his mind. Also true as he has stated, fighting it out will only lead to resentment. If he truely loves you, letting him walk, without fan fair holds the greatest chance of his return. Hugs hugs hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Chances are, he's in a total affair fog and yes, a mid life crisis as well.. This is all about him, not you or the OW.. This new woman has made him feel alive - Those new crush like feelings that happen in the beginning of relationships, that intense passion. What your husband doesn't understand is, once those feelings fade for the OW, he more than likely WILL wake up and realize what he's lost..You and your life together. Get him out of your house now. He can't have it both ways..Right now he has the comfort of the house, being with you in some form, yet he has another woman on the side. That's cruel and unfair for you to put up with.. I know you're hurting and inlove with your husband - But right now he isn't the man you fell inlove with. He's changed and he's selfish. Instead of getting help, sorting out his feelings and confusion, he's bailing out on you and the marriage. Get counselling for yourself to help you cope with all this, talk to family and close friends, rely on them for support. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 As a man, a romantic and emotional man, I give you this advice. File for divorce and kick his BS'ing ass out today. No fanfare. No tearful goodbyes. You'll figure out a way to make it financially. I could make a jet engine run with that load of hot air, seriously. Do you hear the emotion in my writing? I had one of those "talks" with my wife two days ago. Face to face. Sitting next to each other. That's how it's done. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 This man is in complete affair fog. This fog has him convincing himself that he can have everything he wasnts and somehow still be a good guy to everyone. He saying this is not his fault and he cant help it. If he has not yet told you the extent of his affair with OW, and is still living with you - you can count on the fact that he has told her he is staying "for the kids", or for financial reasons. He wants to have his cake and it too, with no hard feelings all around. And you are trying to figure out if you have chance, if you can get him back. No, not as long as he is in charge and not facing reality. Whether the result is divorce or reconciliation you have only one option: Make him Face Reality. Is the OW married or otherwise committed and he is waiting for her to divorce?? Finances good or bad - he has to leave the house. YOU have to take control here and file. Stop being the victim here. So far, this is your role and your only role - become a participant in your life. Let him embrace the reality he is telling you his heart wants. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 the last three posts are chock full of good advice, because IMO, your husband is mostly interested in making himself look the martyr. "… oh, poor me … I love my wife so much, but she can't give me what I need. … I'll choose her each and every time because I hold her above all others … but I need the other woman more. It's not that I don't love her, because I do … I just can't live like this, and I know I'm not being fair to anyone. … poor, poor me …" he is refusing to make a decision for your marriage even though the hot air that blows from his mouth is filled with words that say otherwise. Either he's with you, or he's not. And based on this email and other stuff you've written, he's already gone, hon ... as painful as this is, YOU are going to have to be the one to take action. You love him, and you should, but you should never, ever let anyone who claims to "love" you treat you with so little respect. And sometimes that means letting go, even if it's not what your desire for yourself. because until then, he's going to be straddling the fence, acting the martyr instead of getting off his ass and WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE! hugs to you, quank Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Don't cry in front of him. To be honest, I cry. In front of him, when he's not around, in the shower, everywhere and anywhere. I can't seem to get hold of my emotions at the moment. Show that you're a strong, confident woman who's going to go about your life. I bet that's what initially pulled him to you. After my first marriage ended, bitterly, we had separate apartments and dated for 2 years before getting married. I was strong and capable then but feel desperately hopeless and scared to death of going through it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 the OW is also married, with a 6 year old son. Hubby and I have raised 3 children and the youngest was going out on her own soon and it would have just been him and I. Just the 2 of us, which we often talked about, would have been grand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I could make a jet engine run with that load of hot air, seriously. Do you hear the emotion in my writing? Before he sent me the latest email, he sent me a card...with these sentiments. Thank you for all the good times lamb. Are they all over? Not quite yet they are not, and there is no guarantee that they ever will be. You have filled a special place in my heart for so long, and always will. You're a wonderful unselfish and caring, to the point of distraction, human being. xoxoxox Like you say, more hot air or maybe not....I'm conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 You, maybe even more than he, need a wake up call. His living there still, and insisting that he is the good guy, and wanting to keep you both in attendance - means that you can save your marriage if you want to. But you are going to have to actually DO something. Do you understand that? Crying about it and being the sole victim of his nonsense is not going to save your marriage, do you any good, or possibly make him see the error in his thinking. There are SPECIFIC things that work to end an affair of this type, at least long enough to give you the window of opportunity you desire to bring him to his senses. Read the posts here. Lives are all different, but the patterns of infidelity remarkably the same. You MUST speak to the OW and her Spouse. What have you to lose? If you cannot , then just file for divorce yourself. Do you want to DO anything about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Right now the OW is on a business trip far away for 1 week, or so he told me. Last week, for the first time ever, I went through one of his cell phones, saw her pic, read a few of the messages sent...how she misses him and loves his music type messages....and wrote down her phone number. I've since torn it up though because I would never want to hear her voice and I can't get the image of what she looks like out of my head. He's onto me snooping through his cell and belongings...so if there were things to find, they are more hidden than ever and there would be no way to get that phone number again. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 If there is no way you can find out who this person is that is helping your husband ruin your marriage.... Then file for divorce on your terms. His getting the order to vacate will give him the boost he needs to figure out whether he wants to be married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 What is an ideal outcome to this situation for you? Him to magically realize you're all he wants and needs and to apologize and stay with you? That's not going to happen. Everything he's sent you is carefully crafted to make you think there's a chance of it all working out if you just stick with it. He completely disregards your feelings and how his actions affect you. He wants you to keep being his wife, but give him permission to do what he "needs" to do. The OW - who's role in all of this is conspicuously absent. Does he ever talk, or does he need time to prepare the lies he sends you in letters? Link to post Share on other sites
Chat Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I'm not really sure why I am putting this out here, it's extremely private but I am having a difficult time accepting that he wants out of our marriage. He started feeling differently about us a year ago after getting emotionally involved with a woman from his work. Our last year has been stressful, new job for him and my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) having a baby, house repairs, etc, etc. I figure what could be happening is that he is having a mid-life crisis. He is 40 years old. I have tried everything to reach him, to make him come down to earth but it feels as though I am fighting a losing battle. He will not give up his relationship with OW (he claims it's not sexual), claims that he loves the OW and that the OW is accepting that he needs to make a "decision" on what to do, but on the other hand we are still the best of friends, go out to dinner, live under the same roof and share a bed. I love him. I can't let go. You are destroying yourself by allowing the situation to continue - you and him are over - your just adding acid to your wounds The difficulty now lies in the present situation. Financially, we cannot part ways and the problem I foresee is that I still love him, am still IN love with him. To see him, hear his voice, be near him will not help me heal from this. My ex-husband & I were the same - but I kicked him out to his mothers and made damned sure he paid half of his salary to me and his share of the household expenses (rent etc) for what would of been 1 year (as the law states) He still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart pitter patter and thump. Even just the thought of him makes me crave being with him. What could I do about this? Imagine him screwing the other woman - it will make all that stop Here is his latest email to me. I know you don't want to hear from me, but I needed to tell you that you are right. Just about everything you said last > night was right, but I was too cowardly/selfish to want to talk about it. I have sat stalling on what to do simply to > buy myself extra time, and that is fair on no-one...especially you. I understand your anger and I am so sorry for > getting angry and storming off. You have done nothing wrong, and do not deserve any of this. > > I have cried so many tears knowing I was going to hurt you, and I can barely see now for the tears. I have loved you for > so long, and we have shared many wonderful days, weeks and moments together. I will always treasure them, and count > myself blessed for the time we have had, and if it wasn't for me we could have more, but my love for you has changed in > the last year or more. I cannot seem to love you the way I should, and the way you deserve. If it wasn't now then it > would likely be a year from now, or two years, and none of it is your fault....that is why this hurts so much. It's all > my fault, and really its not to do with any other woman. It's about my selfish mind. When you came into my life you > completed me...you made me whole. I once told you that I always felt I had never found what I was looking for until I > met you, and that was sooooo true. What you gave me all those years agois still there, but now it's me that is breaking > the whole, and I am so very sorry. > > To finally answer your question....if I had two people on my arm and could save only one....it would be you every time, > even over my own family members. You deserve more from life than anyone I have ever met, but I don't think I can give it > you now. I will likely come to regret it, but I don't want to begin to resent you. I would rather walk away and cherish > our love than forget it as we break apart in apathy. > > I don't want you to reply to this email. I am not putting it out there to upset you, or try to make me look like a nice > guy. I have wronged you and deserve every morsel of scorn from you, but I don't want us to lose what we have had in a > sea of bitterness, either way. I have broken your heart, but I have broken mine too. > > > I do love you in many many ways. Just not in the way he committed to you - this guy is unreal - he wants out of the marriage but wants things to be peaceful at home probably realising that you cant move out - he cant stand to be the bad guy - what an a*shole - my ex fed me the same crap - didn't stop the affair, didnt stop him destroying our marriage and is now having a baby with OW - honey get a grip - your being taken for a sap Does anyone out there have any thoughts? Should I keep trying? Is this really wants he WANTS to do? He really WANTS out - I know you dont want to hear that but he does - so kick his ass out to his mothers, make him pay - and get yourself a good divorce lawyer - and when he gives you the bleeding heart stuff - tell him to sell it to Oprah - your DONE!! LOVE yourself better than this, as hard as it may be - let him go - you deserve better Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I am really sorry that you are going through this. There are some great sites that will walk you through the process of what you are currently going through. Divorcebusting and Marriagebuilders are great resources which will help you formulate your plan should you decide that you want to end the marriage or if you want to try and save it. It's not about him right now, it's about you and making the right decisions for you, as it seems that he has already made his. Grieve the loss of your illusions of what your marriage was, but, don't forget, you can also call the shots too. Take care, and make sure that you protect yourself. It might be wise to see an attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
wantoheal Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 and you Do need to start calling the shots. Reply to his email. We will help you...tell him that your read his email and have made the decision to separate.. tell him because of his affair, he will have to move out, it is not a healthy situation for you to be in. Ask him to please do this by March 15 (or what ever date you decide) . Thank him for the years you spent to gether before the affair, but tell him you haven't been happy since.. Tell him you understand that he has moved on and you would like to do that as well. Tell him you're not interested in a reconsiliation either... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I already replied to his email.....here it is. I know you didn't want me to reply but I just needed to. Thank you for being honest with me, that's all I ever wanted. There is no anger toward you, no resentments, I do not feel scorned. I only wish you the best in life, you are a wonderful man and always will be. You have given me so much the time we have been together and yes, I am sad to see them end and I wish I could have been more for you and that you would try to recapture what we had or even have for that matter. I still believe it is the wrong decision but I cannot control your actions, only mine. You must do what you want to do, it's your life and only you can decide what you will do with it. I should have waited before responding......or not respond at all. I'm going about this all wrong but I just can't stop myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 his response.... My tears are flowing again, and its tricky at work with people around…lol. We can talk tonight, remember that song? I want to help you out, and help you heal, the best I can. I know I may be making a bad decision, but I never want to be in a position where I would hurt you even more than I am doing now. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Gosh he is such a bulls-hitter!! He's writing crap to pull at your heartstrings and make himself sound so noble, so good, so kind, so loving, so heartwarmingly considerate, so sue me, I swear if I were you I would come down so hard on him like a ton of bricks he wouldn't know what month it was!!! Jeesh, how can you be taken in by this utter load of shyte - ?!? Lordhelpme, I despair! he's manipulative, controlling (he's sure yanking your chain!) and utterly despicable. You need to find some self-respect and quick, otherwise he's going to leave you a jibbering wreck. Even more so.....! Can't you see what he's doing to you - ? For goodness sake woman - BE ANGRY!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Like you say, more hot air or maybe not....I'm conflicted. I can empathize with your conflict. I will say, gently, that he knows, after a long, intimate time with you, exactly which buttons to push to get what he wants. I have a theory about this. Some personalities, when faced with situations like yours, seek to reap maximum benefit from minimum expenditure. To-wit, if he can maintain the status quo with a few well-chosen words, which cost him nothing (well, I guess a card costs a few bucks), he's achieving success, which is in and of itself an ego booster. Combine stringing you along with his likely similar approach to the OW, and he's getting to be quite the successful and important man. IMO, humility is false unless it is supported by obvious action. Humble truth is only shown over time. Clear signs of change would be verifiable ending of his contact with the OW, acceptance of counseling and cleaving to the M. See, no words necessary. Pay the counselor instead of buying a card Edited to add, upon reading further, this guy reminds me exactly like my friend's ExH. She could have this firm plan in her mind and be resolute in her course of action and he could change it all in a couple hours with some soothing words and a properly timed caress. That went on for a decade or more. Please, for the sake of your sanity and psyche, don't be her. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 plain and simple, you're getting played big time by the man you married. Notice there are no solid "I will do this to help our marriage" or "I need to get out of a dying relationship with you" statements in his emails, just strong emotional jerking of your heart. and I'm sorry to say, your email isn't much better. TELL HIM WHAT YOU FEEL, EVEN IF IT'S GONNA BE PEPPERED WITH BLUE WORDS. This isn't the time to be considerate of his feelings, O HELL NO. You want to tell him in no uncertain terms that while you loved being married to him, you're not going to put up with this kind of bullshxt because you AND y'alls marriage deserves better. That he needs to Shxt or Get Off The Pot. And that if he doesn't come to a decision, you'll be happy to do it for him. And he does NOT want to go there. hon, if you keep trying to be fair, he's just going to continue jerking you around. And you DON'T NEED THAT! quank, who is channeling her inner Gunny at this very moment Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts