2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 hopes - I am not as spiritual as you perhaps, but I do know that my God has always had plans for me... Your H will no doubt read this and begin to understand that because he could not make a decision , one has been made for him. That is the natural order of things and way beyond his control. But I'm worried about you hopes. Now, especially with the house on the market - you have not said you have retained an attorney. You MUST have one before the house is sold. This is real and its important. No matter what seems a priority right now - getting an attorney will protect the priorities you are going to have a month from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 The financial aspects of all this been taken care of, it's quite generous really, more than I expected. Money, if one has it, can ease the conscience of one who has done wrong. On that score, unlike so many others, I have no big time worries. Not saying I'll be living in a castle but I did have a look at a small 2 bedroom apartment yesterday overlooking the bay and the city (2 balconies) and it was beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 YES! I am so glad for that. See? You are loving and smart. You have a lot to offer yourself and I think its possible that you count yourself blessed when you have something to offer others. The future looks bright, the present just not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 This latest email from my soon to be exH is really niggling at me. I just need some insight, some perspective from those familiar with my story. Is there guilt, regret, remorse, shame or anything of the sort in this email? Or is it just another ploy for us to be "buddies"? In this email he is referring to a restaurant that we went to a few days ago. Things did not go well! I made some sexual reference and he went kinda nuts on me and said how can you say stuff like that? that is so out of character for you....then he turned away from me and then I just let him have it. I screamed out at him, furious and said.....Out of character???? You are the one that had the affair, dumba*s! Yes, the restaurant had a few people in. We both, of course, left immediately, and things just escalated from there. He was downright nasty to me on the drive home and when we arrived home, I just went for a walk, a long walk alone and got back home hours later. I was so distraught. Since then, he hasn't been getting much attention from me (zip actually) and I'm doing my best to be cold and unresponsive. I DO NOT need another night of my heart being ripped out of me. Why can't he just leave me be? He is moving out at the end of the month and I'll be moving out as well middle of April (house has been sold) and he is always making reference to popping in to see me at my new place and chill on my balcony with me, WTF? here it is..... Hi Lamb I hate seeing you so sad, and making it worse is the fact that I am responsible. I am so sorry for (restaurants name); I had no right carrying on as I did. You have done nothing wrong in all this......nothing. Despite how I have treated you this last month you have been extremely gracious for the most part, and that shows your immense class. I don't want our last time out to be that debacle at (restaurants name), and I don't want our final days to be spoiled by me. I fully understand if you don't want to speak to me again, and I won't get angry or feel hard done by. I don't deserve anything. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 It's mindless. He's just pushing old buttons. Nothing more significant than that. Link to post Share on other sites
suzanne2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 It is sooo past time for you to go NC. I mean is this guy serious? I would not be having any dinners with him period...in or out of the house. All of his e-mails are lip service. They mean absolutely nothing to him, except that he is intent on keeping you hanging around in case he needs you in the future. You need to go NC....it will help a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 I would very much love to go NC but we are living in the same house! I go out in the evenings alone when I can but he is always hanging around, asking me where did I go, what did I do. We don't eat dinners together at home anymore, we don't watch tv together, we don't sleep together but it feels as though I am getting more attention this past month then I have had in the last year! I just don't understand his cruelty by doing this, it's as if he has no clue what the hell he has done to me. Why does he need my blessing for leaving me for another woman? I just don't get it...... Here is more lip service.... I know what I have done, and what is worse I have tainted the memories of all the good years we had. I know I can never apologize enough, and I can never expect forgiveness. I allowed my mind to rule my heart and I am so very sorry because you made me what, until recently, I was. Link to post Share on other sites
suzanne2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 I would just tell him that where you go and whatyou do are no longer any concern of his and that you would appreciate any conversation between the two of you to be limited to absolutley necessary talk. There will be no more idle chit chat. Has this man not wasted enough of your time? Whatever he says to you is a pile of **** anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I would just tell him that where you go and whatyou do are no longer any concern of his and that you would appreciate any conversation between the two of you to be limited to absolutley necessary talk. There will be no more idle chit chat. Has this man not wasted enough of your time? Whatever he says to you is a pile of **** anyway... I totally agree with this. Please tell him not to talk to you unless absolutely necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I'm not really sure why I am putting this out here, it's extremely private but I am having a difficult time accepting that he wants out of our marriage. He started feeling differently about us a year ago after getting emotionally involved with a woman from his work. Our last year has been stressful, new job for him and my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) having a baby, house repairs, etc, etc. I figure what could be happening is that he is having a mid-life crisis. He is 40 years old. I have tried everything to reach him, to make him come down to earth but it feels as though I am fighting a losing battle. He will not give up his relationship with OW (he claims it's not sexual), claims that he loves the OW and that the OW is accepting that he needs to make a "decision" on what to do, but on the other hand we are still the best of friends, go out to dinner, live under the same roof and share a bed. I love him. I can't let go. The difficulty now lies in the present situation. Financially, we cannot part ways and the problem I foresee is that I still love him, am still IN love with him. To see him, hear his voice, be near him will not help me heal from this. He still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart pitter patter and thump. Even just the thought of him makes me crave being with him. What could I do about this? Here is his latest email to me. I know you don't want to hear from me, but I needed to tell you that you are right. Just about everything you said last > night was right, but I was too cowardly/selfish to want to talk about it. I have sat stalling on what to do simply to > buy myself extra time, and that is fair on no-one...especially you. I understand your anger and I am so sorry for > getting angry and storming off. You have done nothing wrong, and do not deserve any of this. > > I have cried so many tears knowing I was going to hurt you, and I can barely see now for the tears. I have loved you for > so long, and we have shared many wonderful days, weeks and moments together. I will always treasure them, and count > myself blessed for the time we have had, and if it wasn't for me we could have more, but my love for you has changed in > the last year or more. I cannot seem to love you the way I should, and the way you deserve. If it wasn't now then it > would likely be a year from now, or two years, and none of it is your fault....that is why this hurts so much. It's all > my fault, and really its not to do with any other woman. It's about my selfish mind. When you came into my life you > completed me...you made me whole. I once told you that I always felt I had never found what I was looking for until I > met you, and that was sooooo true. What you gave me all those years agois still there, but now it's me that is breaking > the whole, and I am so very sorry. > > To finally answer your question....if I had two people on my arm and could save only one....it would be you every time, > even over my own family members. You deserve more from life than anyone I have ever met, but I don't think I can give it > you now. I will likely come to regret it, but I don't want to begin to resent you. I would rather walk away and cherish > our love than forget it as we break apart in apathy. > > I don't want you to reply to this email. I am not putting it out there to upset you, or try to make me look like a nice > guy. I have wronged you and deserve every morsel of scorn from you, but I don't want us to lose what we have had in a > sea of bitterness, either way. I have broken your heart, but I have broken mine too. > > > I do love you in many many ways. Does anyone out there have any thoughts? Should I keep trying? Is this really wants he WANTS to do? This is the classic "it ain't you , its me" speech, but its wearing its "grown up" pants. This dude's got some arm candy on the side. I'd bet EVERYTHING on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 This is the classic "it ain't you , its me" speech, but its wearing its "grown up" pants. This dude's got some arm candy on the side. I'd bet EVERYTHING on it. If you read the thread you'd know that has already been declared. Quite early on actually. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 If you read the thread you'd know that has already been declared. Quite early on actually. I'm sorry I meant a PHYSICAL relationship. Emotional affairs is one of the BIGGEST lies going. They exist, but gut feeling, most "emotional" affairs, if connected to a lie detector, would come up as physical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 19, 2009 Author Share Posted March 19, 2009 I agree with you schmuck. He claimed it was only emotional when I confronted him but he would admit to kissing her and taking her out to lunch. They work together. The penny did drop for me that it HAD to physical because he said he LOVED her and wanted to be with her (how sweet). As of this moment they are signing the papers for moving into a condo together and no doubt when stbx comes home he will want to chit chat....I just want him to get the hell out of my house already! The end of the month can't come soon enuf grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 I agree with you schmuck. He claimed it was only emotional when I confronted him but he would admit to kissing her and taking her out to lunch. They work together. The penny did drop for me that it HAD to physical because he said he LOVED her and wanted to be with her (how sweet). As of this moment they are signing the papers for moving into a condo together and no doubt when stbx comes home he will want to chit chat....I just want him to get the hell out of my house already! The end of the month can't come soon enuf grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hope- I totally understand your anger. My wife MAY not have strayed YET, but when she asked for a divorce, it was like "Uhhm, which part of "better or worse, till death due us part", did I misunderstand?" Good luck with your life. Everyone here says it gets better. BUt if you can't believe your spouse's words on your WEDDING day, how can you beleive what anyone else says?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 Why am I hearing from my stbxh that he is sooooooo sorry all the time. He says it often, he cries on my shoulder even and of course, the emails keep coming. Stuff like this confuses the heck out of me. It makes me wonder if he now understands the mistake he's making and wants us back together?? And if so, why doesn't he just tell me?? This is one of his emails, but keep in mind that I get these sort of emails on a regular basis and sometimes when we are together I look over at him and tears are streaming down his face. He's leaving at the end of this month. Why does he continue to do this?? I was just reading some of your reviews on Trip Advisor, and it made me cry. Please don’t ever take those down!!! We have had some wonderful times, and I know I have tainted everything now, but just now and then I enjoy remembering all the good things we have done, and not the last weeks where I tore us apart. I AM SO SORRY and maybe all the bad **** is my payback. the bad sh*t was his car got stolen yesterday and the sale of house didn't go through and he got a 300 dollar speeding ticket last week Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Hopes - Now that your H is dealing with the logistics, reality, inconvenience, and finances of leaving.... His behavior will no doubt become more bizarro. He is a drama queen, and as such has been making decisions from a drama queens point of view. His car was stolen. Sure about that? What with having to sign the payment contract on the new condo, and the house not sold...things could be tight. So tight that the car payment was an inconvenience? Have you confirmed that there will be funds available for you to move yourself, daughter & grandchild when the house does sell? Has your attorney documented that debt incurred by him at this point is not yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 I must admit, when he first told me the car was stolen that did enter my mind. I am supposed to get that car at the end of the month, that car is supposed to be signed over to me. There are no car payments, it was bought and paid for. He is coming home tonight in a rental car (insurance paying for it) and he has kept me informed about what the police had told him, but I didn't actually hear him talking to the police. Now, if they don't find the car I am hoping the insurance coverage will cover it. We are covered for that. I just don't know......hate to think that this is something he's conjured up. I am on the deed on the house. I get half. When I get half, is when this darn house gets sold. What a setback it was for me when the sale didn't go through. I am really counting on that money for a fresh start. I move into my new apartment (2 balconies) on April 15. It's exciting but I'm also scared....have never been without a man around b4. I'll be ok financially but I need a car and need to get a job, pronto, otherwise....well, *sighs* Link to post Share on other sites
msjules Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Honey, if he wanted you back together he would put an end to all of this once and for all. He isn't sorry for ****. He just wants to cry and whine and act like a victim when he is the cause of all of this. What a f**king jerk. I hate him and wish I could put five fingers right in his face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 He's finally out tomorrow morning, same time as me, both moving out at the same time to different places. This experience has been the most gut wrenching, it's right up there with my mother passing away 12 years ago. We will both be moving on to shiny new lives and I just feel so shattered. His last email, just sent to me this morning (he's away on business, will be back this afternoon) seems to have the insight on what has happened but sadly he is still letting go and I must do the same. If anyone reading this has words of comfort, I would appreciate them. It's been weird coming away while everything that has been going on continues. In a way though it is good for me I suppose to get away, but you are still home and still have so many things going on. I can also deal with some of the pain I am feeling, and I cannot even begin to imagine how yours is. You often ask why I am upset even though it's me leaving you, well its because I cherish the memories we had, and also because I never did envisage our going separate ways. I lost sight of our common purpose, and allowed my love to begin to syphon off elsewhere. I am so sad because I could have changed that, I could have talked to you, and we could possibly have sorted things out, but I was weak and foolish. I didn't do the things that could have saved our relationship, and merrily toddled off with someone else. Knowing I could have done more to save us is what hurts me, and seeing you going through all this hell!!! I was convinced you didn't love me, and I excused my behaviour with that thought. I should have sat down with you and tried to understand, and knowing I didn't is what hurts me so so much. I do still care deeply for you in many many ways, and just like you yesterday, I don't look at you as a friend right now, but I want to be a friend to you as this mess moves on. I want to help you however I can, and not through guilt, but through a deep understanding and respect of the unique times we have had. You were my right arm and leg, and I cannot easily walk away never to be seen again, despite what you may think sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
gjack Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 You don't need to look any further for evidence...and don't tear yourself up with images of what she looks like, etc. It really doesn't matter because this isn't about looks. His heart is somewhere else and it's not in reconciliation with you, but he doesn't want to be a bad guy or face the music for what he's doing. I regrettably wrote a very similar note to my wife of 18 years after she discovered my infidelity. Its hard to say that most men are basically cowards when it comes to being accountable for their actions. We stayed together another 3 years but my heart was never the same and my feelings for the OW overshadowed my desire to fix the relationship. I didn't have the guts to face facts and deal with it so wrote cute, non-committal crap like that so she wouldn't force the issue. That way there were no blow-ups and I could find more creative ways to still see the OW. The OW wasn't willing to commit either - you see affairs are the ultimate in non-commitment - but wanted to continue to see me. That ended too. I ultimately made the decision that I wasn't being fair to anyone and decided the best course of action was divorce. That was 3 years ago and I've learned a lot by way of introspection about my own behaviors. Protect yourself first. Respect yourself and demand to be treated with respect. Him loving another is not that. The rest will work itself out. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
iceis44 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 I'm not really sure why I am putting this out here, it's extremely private but I am having a difficult time accepting that he wants out of our marriage. He started feeling differently about us a year ago after getting emotionally involved with a woman from his work. Our last year has been stressful, new job for him and my teenage daughter (from a previous marriage) having a baby, house repairs, etc, etc. I figure what could be happening is that he is having a mid-life crisis. He is 40 years old. I have tried everything to reach him, to make him come down to earth but it feels as though I am fighting a losing battle. He will not give up his relationship with OW (he claims it's not sexual), claims that he loves the OW and that the OW is accepting that he needs to make a "decision" on what to do, but on the other hand we are still the best of friends, go out to dinner, live under the same roof and share a bed. I love him. I can't let go. The difficulty now lies in the present situation. Financially, we cannot part ways and the problem I foresee is that I still love him, am still IN love with him. To see him, hear his voice, be near him will not help me heal from this. He still gives me goosebumps and makes my heart pitter patter and thump. Even just the thought of him makes me crave being with him. What could I do about this? Here is his latest email to me. I know you don't want to hear from me, but I needed to tell you that you are right. Just about everything you said last > night was right, but I was too cowardly/selfish to want to talk about it. I have sat stalling on what to do simply to > buy myself extra time, and that is fair on no-one...especially you. I understand your anger and I am so sorry for > getting angry and storming off. You have done nothing wrong, and do not deserve any of this. > > I have cried so many tears knowing I was going to hurt you, and I can barely see now for the tears. I have loved you for > so long, and we have shared many wonderful days, weeks and moments together. I will always treasure them, and count > myself blessed for the time we have had, and if it wasn't for me we could have more, but my love for you has changed in > the last year or more. I cannot seem to love you the way I should, and the way you deserve. If it wasn't now then it > would likely be a year from now, or two years, and none of it is your fault....that is why this hurts so much. It's all > my fault, and really its not to do with any other woman. It's about my selfish mind. When you came into my life you > completed me...you made me whole. I once told you that I always felt I had never found what I was looking for until I > met you, and that was sooooo true. What you gave me all those years agois still there, but now it's me that is breaking > the whole, and I am so very sorry. > > To finally answer your question....if I had two people on my arm and could save only one....it would be you every time, > even over my own family members. You deserve more from life than anyone I have ever met, but I don't think I can give it > you now. I will likely come to regret it, but I don't want to begin to resent you. I would rather walk away and cherish > our love than forget it as we break apart in apathy. > > I don't want you to reply to this email. I am not putting it out there to upset you, or try to make me look like a nice > guy. I have wronged you and deserve every morsel of scorn from you, but I don't want us to lose what we have had in a > sea of bitterness, either way. I have broken your heart, but I have broken mine too. > > > I do love you in many many ways. Does anyone out there have any thoughts? Should I keep trying? Is this really wants he WANTS to do? He is not inlove with you, get out and build a life while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 He is not inlove with you, get out and build a life while you can. Did you read the entire thread? It doesn't look like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 Thank you gjack for taking the time and posting this. I do often wonder about his regrets or soon to be regrets and I feel sad for him. We didn't have a horrible marriage, we got along great and had great fun but somewhere along the line how he felt about us had changed and he didn't make me aware of it. Sure, there were stressful times, new job, a new baby to care for and it took attention away from him but he just couldn't communicate his feelings and I couldn't read his mind. I thought I knew him inside and out....but, I didn't. He's gone now to be with his MOW, he rented out an apartment and he's nesting...waiting for her to show up with her 4 year old son....she hasn't left her husband yet, but he assures me she will and that they will be great together. It is just so sad, I loved and still love everything about him and finding it so heartbreaking and just trying to deal with what is really happening is beyond comprehension for me. Thanks for responding. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 A friend of mine had been married for 15 years when he had an affair. They had 3 children - one was under a year - when he did this. He left and she was devastated. Fast forward 3 years. She got in the best shape of her life, met someone (just happened to be one of my brother's friends), and now is very settled in a more loving relationship than she has ever known. He, on the other hand, is having major issues. The girlfriend is not good with money (never has been) and has caused major upheaval. She is extremely jealous and worried all the time that he is meeting someone else and has to deal with check up calls, drive-bys at his work, etc. all because of his short leash. He has told my friend time and time again how unhappy he is and has hinted at reconciliation. She won't even entertain the thought. Life always has it's twists. My heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
gjack Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Thank you gjack for taking the time and posting this. I do often wonder about his regrets or soon to be regrets and I feel sad for him. We didn't have a horrible marriage, we got along great and had great fun but somewhere along the line how he felt about us had changed and he didn't make me aware of it. Sure, there were stressful times, new job, a new baby to care for and it took attention away from him but he just couldn't communicate his feelings and I couldn't read his mind. I thought I knew him inside and out....but, I didn't. He's gone now to be with his MOW, he rented out an apartment and he's nesting...waiting for her to show up with her 4 year old son....she hasn't left her husband yet, but he assures me she will and that they will be great together. It is just so sad, I loved and still love everything about him and finding it so heartbreaking and just trying to deal with what is really happening is beyond comprehension for me. Thanks for responding. ...and so are you moved? It really won't matter whether the MOW finally does move in with him or not, does it? If I were to bet on it, she won't. If she does it won't last. What do they have but a partner who has demonstrated an ability to lie and cheat. Not a very strong foundation for a new relationship. What we don't realize when in the middle of an affair is how many lives can be destroyed - if even temporarily - by our selfish actions. There was a post in this thread talking about narcissistic ppl. I think that described your stbx very well. His emails play on your heart strings...what an ego boost for him if he can behave this way and still have you loving him and feeling sympathy for his pain. For him it's a game. Regardless of what he says, it's temporary. Don't be fooled. You've processed a lot of stuff in a short period of time. Stay strong and confident in your convictions. You've taken the right steps to rid yourself of this relationship. There are good guys out there. You described it best yourself... The path I choose to take is with the Lord, There will be no shame, no guilt, no pain, no loss of self-esteem and self-respect I will not walk alone on this earth for God has chosen someone for me, a mate We will believe in each other, trust each other, and respect each other and above all else love and commit to each other I have learned from my relationship with you and will carry it over to someone new someone that God has already chosen and I have yet to meet Link to post Share on other sites
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