wantoheal Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 he said in his email to you that he doesn't love you the same way anymore-he also said he wants to walk away...I guarantee you if he could walk away right now he would...I hope I am not hurting your feelings.. What you are going through is so hurtfull. Only a jack?ss would do this to his wife. He doesn't know the meaning of sacred. I think if you don't do something about this now, you will regret it. Please don't let him do the breaking up. What HE did merits a breakup. Give him the consequences he deserves-otherwise when he does leave you, you will feel weak..Please do not compromise anymore. You have let him cross all of your boundaries-you need to put the boundaries back in place.. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Geez, what a dick. And you're making it easy on him by telling him how wonderful he is! Kick his butt out tonight. Tell him you don't want to talk. Tell him to go to his girlfriend's house and live there. She can deal with him. Stand up for yourself, woman. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 What you don't know is...Your anger and feeling of betrayal is soon to hit you.. It's lurking around the corner. Right now you feel pain, desparation and the need to not make waves, quietly deal with this and not get angry at him. Expect those nicey touchy feelings to fade and be replaced with alot of anger and resentment. Your H doesn't want to be the bad guy and selfishly (not malciously) he is totally calling the shots here because he KNOWS how to push your buttons, knows the right thing to say to you so you won't freak out at him. I suggest you find out WHO the OW is, tell her husband that HIS WIFE and YOUR HUSBAND are having an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 A big thank you to everyone who replied to my post, wish I could have commented on each and every one but it's been a trying day. In the opening of my post I had said that I didn't know why I was sharing this with anyone but now I know. Affirmations. I knew it was coming down to the wire and it was ME who needed to make the decision, and I chose to leave him. I broke down and called my father for help, and he will help out financially for me to get out of this house with my daughter and my grandson. He hasn't come home from work yet, he is now 3 hrs late and I'm sure he will come up with one of his many excuses why. I have been tortured for 2 1/2 weeks, lost a ton of weight and was a basket case...I know it won't be smooth sailing from here on out but it's got to be a helluva lot better than the way I had been living. Yes, I will see a lawyer straight away and be apartment hunting...starting tomorrow. Hope he likes sleeping on the couch. It's over. Link to post Share on other sites
flash582 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 OK ... I'm going to toss in my 2 cents. Allow me to translate for you: I think I'm a wonderful guy and I don't want you to take me for everything I have when I leave you. In fact .... What I'd really like is for you to hang around, pining for me, while I'm running around. That way I don't have to deal with any conflicting emotions when you meet a nice guy and I'm not your one and only any more. This guy is about the most selfish person I've ever seen. He wants to keep you from finding anyone else, so he has a safe haven to run back to any time he wants. You deserve so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Why should you have to pack up and leave? Make him leave..Let him find a little apartment! You have a daughter and grandchild to look after..YOUR family, not his. I think I'm a wonderful guy and I don't want you to take me for everything I have when I leave you. I hate to say it, but I agree with flash..Your husband is trying to keep himself as the good guy, like none of this isn't really his fault, and he had no say or no control over this situation. That's pure bullcrap, so if you feel you deserve spousal support from him to help you with the house, then talk to your lawyer, make sure you get what is yours. On a side note, I am sorry that you're hurting so much, so please try to take care of yourself..Get counselling to help you cope with all this.. Link to post Share on other sites
wantoheal Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I really do wish she would ask him to leave. It is only right. She shouldn't have to uproot her family and a child because of his infidelity. no court would expect her to. He should leave for the time being and continue to finance the home. I think if she asked this of him he might show his true colors. If he refused he would be WRONG. She could probably get some type of temporary order-maybe her dad could help her finance that part-the attorney for temp orders . It is obvious that she is the nice one here and he is the manipulator--but there is such thing as being too nice and a pushover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I had asked him to leave before, when the sh*t hit the fan, and he flat out refused. That's why I stayed in the home with him, trying to make things work, and hoping against hope that he would change his mind and save our marriage. I can't help being nice, it's just who I am (not tooting my own horn), there is just no side of me that's nasty unfortunately. Besides, being in this house, even if he did leave, would not help me heal. I need a fresh start, away from here, away from him. Last night, he agreed, thank gawd, to sleep on the couch. I think he thinks I will return to the sniveling wreck and go back to the way things were (me trying, he not, me crying, he laughing) but it won't. Whether or not he is getting what he wants is no concern of mine now, not anymore, I will be making myself the priority, thinking about my needs and those of my daughter and grandson, and what's best for us is getting out of this house. Besides, I'll need the cash from the sale. It all seems so straightforward doesn't it? I'm out of my fog, he's still in his. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 hopes, hun, if I could be with you and hug you right now, I would, so hard. I'm sorry if I came over harsh in my previous post - I felt a bit hesitant - but it seems I wasn't the only one seeing it that way. Look after you, and your child. You are your priority now. Do whatever it takes to do business, and mean business. Take no more crap from this guy. Lean on your family, and lean on us. We're rooting for you - my how we are!! Link to post Share on other sites
wantoheal Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 good job Hopes. I'm proud of you. I was only thinking that maybe he should get out for a short time -2 weeks or so , so you can prepare. If he was ANY kind of man he would do that. Otherwise you are going to be together in that house every day and night until you are able to get out. He is no kind of man. I can see that from just what I've heard on here. He is about to show his true colors to you now that the shxt is hitting the fan. BE strong. He is in the wrong. You have absolutely no obligation to him anymore to try to make it work. You have done your best!! Most women would have kicked his sorry butt to the curb by now. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM anymore,,no matter what. IF he is going to be a jackass and stay in that house until you can leave, then he sleeps on the couch. Come here for advice in the meantime because I really am afraid it is going to get harder before it gets easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I read through the intial post and then quickly through the others. I'm sorry I can't even focus right now because of his e-mail. I read through it and all I kept seeing was him trying to equate his "pain" with what you are going through. His heart is breaking, he would save you every time, blah blah blah. This guy is really a piece of work. You are both in this situation and continue to be because of HIS actions. And HE CAN stop doing what he is doing. He just refuses too. Poor tortured soul -- yeah right!! I just want to scream at him "Hello you moron! YOU are the one who is backhandedly breaking your commitments and creating these problems so you don't get to be an injured party!" He is just pathetic. I don't know how you aren't angry with how he is playing this "we're both hurting - oh poor us - boo hoo" game of his. PUHLEASE! I'd change the locks on his cheating butt. See a lawyer immediately and do everything you can to get HIM the hell out of YOUR house. If he has no where to go - oh! Too bad! Guess you should have thought of that. And I'd send a nice little note to her husband letting him know that his wife has been having an EA with your husband and that you have kicked him out. Just as a nice head's up so that when your H seeks out comfort he has a hell of a time finding anyone who will listen. Tell everyone as a matter of fact. Tell them he refuses to stop the affair and he still wants to sleep with you and live together. Anyone in their right mind will tell him to go fly a kite when he comes whining to them. Plenty of men do not act out like this because of a "mid-life crisis". This is weakness on his part. He is an ass. He made a commitment and now he has semi-changed his mind. And he sends you some card that says the good times aren't necessarily over? Doesn't he understand that he doesn't get to make whatever decision he wants and you are just going to wait around? Doesn't he realize YOU have choices too? Loser. I am so freakin' pissed off FOR you!! I wish I had his phone number!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am glad you found support within you family but everyone who has said you need to be steel around him is right. You need to be unemotional. Get him out. If he tries to "talk" you tell him you are sorting things out for yourself and will be doing what is best for you just like he has been doing this ENTIRE time. If he sends any more "poor me" e-mails either delete them or reply back with one line, "I'm sorry you find the bed that you made for yourself so uncomfortable." Link to post Share on other sites
msjules Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Stay strong, hopes. This man isn't worth the shyte on the bottom of your shoe. Take him for every penny you can. I cannot imagine the pain you have been put through. I can't think of a thing to say that has not already been said by the other good folks here at LS. You go and get yours my friend. Find a good attorney and take him for everything you can. He is going to try and hit your soft spots and you MUST GET AND STAY ANGRY right now. Anger isn't always a pleasant emotion, but it just might help you get a good settlement right now. Make his ass pay right through the nose. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 hopes, I'm incredibly proud of you for making your stand ~ I know this is hard, leaving a marriage behind, but as an outsider, it's even harder watching someone who has the best of intentions and a whole lotta love get screwed over by their partner, who is acting on purely selfish motive. YOU deserve the best, which unfortunately what he's giving you. so don't beat yourself up, don't let yourself get TOO depressed over the situation, because you're doing the right thing for yourself and your children. hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Not long ago, a big bouquet of flowers came to my door with a card that reads.... I am so sorry for my stupidity yesterday. It was unforgivable and selfish. You deserve better than that. Breakup flowers? This is absurd. No emails or texts from him today, so that's cool. Rethinking about moving out and getting my own place, I really need to talk to a lawyer first because I think leaving the home would be a mistake at this point. I'm starting to feel angry. Ok, had a bit of a nap today, this morning, and woke up in tears. I had a dream about him and I, he was holding me, and I couldn't let go, and I knew it was a dream while dreaming it and felt such utter despair. But, better in a dream than in reality....I must be strong. Damn, this is difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Rethinking about moving out and getting my own place, I really need to talk to a lawyer first because I think leaving the home would be a mistake at this point. I'm starting to feel angry. Good, as well you should. I'd say stay in your home and talk to a lawyer (just in case you needed any prodding in the direction you're now leaning). Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Not long ago, a big bouquet of flowers came to my door with a card that reads.... I am so sorry for my stupidity yesterday. It was unforgivable and selfish. You deserve better than that. Breakup flowers? This is absurd. Yes. Ridiculous. "You deserve better than that." -- YOU BET I DO!! I also deserve better than to get your sorry-azz e-mails, texts, flowers, etc. that you are just using to try to alleviate your own guilt so you can think of yourself as "compassionate" or "loving" when you are nothing of the sort or you wouldn't have done what you continue to do -- act on your own wants regardless of how it hurts those around you who have been nothing but loving and kind you ()*(#&)*(@&*#^!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE is obviously a reality you know nothing about!!! Grrrrrrrrrr again!!!!!!!! What a complete selfish *&*^&*%^&% *(&*& *(&^!!! No emails or texts from him today, so that's cool. Rethinking about moving out and getting my own place, I really need to talk to a lawyer first because I think leaving the home would be a mistake at this point. I'm starting to feel angry. Yes. Contact every divorce lawyer in a 50 mile radius. Once you have a consultation he will not be able to retain them due to a conflict of interest. This is about protecting yourself from any other selfishness and betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 That was a really good post reply Island Girl..(oops, just saw you posted again, so I guess I'll add in BOTH replies..) Not long ago, a big bouquet of flowers came to my door with a card that reads.... I am so sorry for my stupidity yesterday. It was unforgivable and selfish. You deserve better than that. Breakup flowers? This is absurd. No emails or texts from him today, so that's cool. Rethinking about moving out and getting my own place, I really need to talk to a lawyer first because I think leaving the home would be a mistake at this point. I'm starting to feel angry. Ok, had a bit of a nap today, this morning, and woke up in tears. I had a dream about him and I, he was holding me, and I couldn't let go, and I knew it was a dream while dreaming it and felt such utter despair. But, better in a dream than in reality....I must be strong. Damn, this is difficult. WTF? Not only is he in the affairyland fog, he's a bloody idiot! Stupidity yesterday? That pisses me off! He's trying to downplay this, make sure you stay nice and calm so he can do whatever the F he wants. GOOD that you're getting angry..This man is NOT the man you fell inlove with years ago. He has changed. He's a selfish a-hole now and he's trying to hide it behind flowers and nice loving, yet "oops I'm sorry" emails! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I've just sent him an email, he'll have something to chew on for sure...if I could only see his face when he reads it, it would be priceless, believe me. I stole what you, islandgirl and you, whichwayisup have written. Thanks guys, I needed the help in conveying the message I wanted to send him. This is the kind of email he has not received from me b4, and I'm getting stronger by the minute. Here it is. "You deserve better than that." -- YOU BET I DO!! I also deserve better than to get your sorry ass e-mails, texts, flowers, dinners, etc. that you are just using to try to alleviate your own guilt so you can think of yourself as "compassionate" or "loving" when you are nothing of the sort or you wouldn't have done what you continue to do -- act on your own wants regardless of how it hurts me. You had my complete love and devotion and threw it away as though it were trash! LOVE is obviously a reality you know nothing about!!! You are trying to downplay this, make sure I stay nice and calm so you can do whatever the F you want. Good try, but I'm onto you now. You are NOT the man I fell in love with. You have changed. You are a selfish coward, full of himself and trying to hide it behind flowers and lovely sentiments. Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Bravo!!!!!!! I'm so proud of you!!:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Got a quick reply from him, guess he didn't chew on it after all. Here it is. I agree with everything you say. I am sorry for the flowers, and did not intend any offence, which I obviously have caused. They are not break-up flowers, simply an expression of my stupidity. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Got a quick reply from him, guess he didn't chew on it after all. Here it is. I agree with everything you say. I am sorry for the flowers, and did not intend any offence, which I obviously have caused. They are not break-up flowers, simply an expression of my stupidity. Send him a quick message saying, "I don't need any expressions of your stupidity. I am living with complete knowledge of it every day." Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Send him a reply; "You think I need any more evidence of how stupid you are? I may have been stupid too, but I'm seeing the light now. Quit contacting me. The next letter you'll get from me will be a divorce paper. Chew on that sunshine!" Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 :laugh: I swear IG and me are clones sometimes!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 They are not break-up flowers, simply an expression of my stupidity. OMG. Your email prompted him to reassure you that he is not breaking up with you. It has not even occured to him that you would break up with him!! He thinks you are having a temper tantrum and he can make everything OK by saying...I'm not breaking up with you. He doesnt even say the flowers were an apology. My response would be: Your stupidity knows no bounds and is beyond expression. In fact, it is breathtaking. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Send him a reply; "You think I need any more evidence of how stupid you are? I may have been stupid too, but I'm seeing the light now. Quit contacting me. The next letter you'll get from me will be a divorce paper. Chew on that sunshine!" Geisha!! I like yours better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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