whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 This guy is the devil in disguise! Seriously, is he bipolar? One minute he is mushy and sending you love notes/flowers and then he pours on the venom and hate, filled with anger and blames you for HIS selfish choice in cheating on you? Seriously, divorce him NOW. Talk to a Lawyer TODAY and get this guy out of your house and life. He is scum. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 another one of his messages, sent today I am here. I always am, and will be. I know you may not believe it, but I am truly truly sorry for the misery I am causing you. The door for us is not totally closed, but it is narrow and even if it does close, please believe I loved u deeply and will always cherish our time together. Hopes, I can't actually write what I'd like to write, because all you'd get is asterisks, and besides, there are rules here, and I'm damned if I want to get an infraction.... But this post is just such a prize. Here we are. He's called in a realtor (I guess that's American for an 'Estate Agent' as we call them in the UK) but he hasn't spoken to a lawyer/Solicitor. He's intent on valuing the house with the supposed intention of putting it on the market, but then he comes up with this piece of prize gumph....he's sorry for the mysery he's causing you - but he's not so sorry that he doesn't want to sell the roof over your head. neat. he's a flucking piece of dogs-hit and not worth the scrapings off your shoe. Ok, so you say: "The news that you'll always be there fills me with dread. I don't want you there always, I'm rather hoping to get rid of you. Thank you for being sorry for the mysery you're causing me. I truly appreciate the sentiment, I'm sure it comes from the heart. I'll be sure to remember it when the guy who's going to be valuing the house comes round. Thanks for doing that, too. The door is so bolted, I've even fitted padlocks, security bars and extra bolts. It's tighter than Fort Knox. You think you're walking back through it, you have another think coming." You may not feel it. You may be filled with sadness and despair. But you cannot on any account, let him know that. He's a worthless piece of scum, and really, you must not on any account take any of his crap. And please, please, please - consult a lawyer. NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 And please, please, please - consult a lawyer. No matter what his reasoning is, DO THIS NOW!! Regardless of who the house is in the name of, you're entitled to a piece of it, since the mortgage was being paid during your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Hi Hopes You mentioned that everything seems to be moving along so fast - and it feels that way (kind of leaving your head reeling) because he is calling the shots. He called a Realtor to evaluate the house. Okay great. You need to call all of the divorce lawyers in your area (50 miles around) and do a consultation with each. Then you pick one that suits you best. He will not be able to retain any of them due to a conflict of interest with confidentiality. So he'll waste a lot of time calling to try to find someone. That only buys you time to get your own plan in action. You need to be calling the shots. He is going to completely flip out that he can't use those stupid cards and e-mails (where he expresses his supposed sorrow, etc.) to keep you at bay anymore. He was doing that while he figured out his own plan - without thinking of you AT ALL!! You aren't "playing into his hands" as far as driving him away or giving him what he wants by getting yourself together and not putting up with his crap anymore. Quite the reverse. You'll see a lot of acting out and tantrums because you have taken the pace and control away from him. He wanted to make all of the decisions and wanted to weigh his options. You will be removing those options and making the choices for him according to what is best for YOU. You know how you felt like everything was moving so fast and it made you unsure and second guess everything? You want his mind to be racing like that. You want him boggled and thinking WTF is happening?!! You want HIS world turned upside down!! He flipped your world on it's ear. Turn about is fair play. He thinks he knows you inside and out. Show him he doesn't know everything about you! Show him he has underestimated you. Let him sleep in an uncomfortable bed! Let him be kicked out of the house and living in a box! You have to steel yourself against feeling sorry for him. HE DID THIS NOT YOU. He ripped your relationship to shreds and refused to stop even when it was breaking you and he saw and heard that. SO GET A LAWYER NOW!! You need to protect yourself, your daughter, and that baby. Link to post Share on other sites
wantoheal Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 And remember Hopes...there is a much better life out there for you. You have a brand new grandbaby! How wonderful! There are so many adventures for you yet. You are still young. This is an opporunity for you to get out and explore the world. Your daughter needs you right now, and how can you be there for her if you are an emotional wreck. I promise you, if this man is good for you, (remember, he told you he loved you-loved, past tense. and hesaid he still "cares" for you...that is not enough!!)if he cherishes you, he will show it, one way or another. Even if you tell him it's over. He is the one that caused that-not you!!! Nothing you have done has warranted this behavior from him. If he is good enough for you, he will come to you with his heart and apologize and be patient until you are ready to reconcile. What kind of woman do you want to be? The kind a man treats like a piece of crap and doesn't respect. Or that kind that demands a man to respect her?? He is taking all your energy and your self esteem from you. IF he doesn't have it in his heart to help you heal from what he's done, then he is no good for you. You DO need to get a lawyer ASAP to help you know your rights in this situation. Find a woman lawyer, Ithink that will be best. Take care of yourself.. Stop worrying about him. Worry about YOU Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 The door for us is not totally closed, but it is narrow and even if it does close, please believe I loved u deeply and will always cherish our time together. So basically he wants the door open a crack so if it doesn't work out with OW he can come back to you. That's pure crap.. I suggest you get ahold of the OW's husband and fill him in. Make your husbands life hell since he doesn't care what he's doing to you.. Link to post Share on other sites
msjules Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 The door for us is not totally closed, but it is narrow and even if it does close, please believe I loved u deeply and will always cherish our time together.What I wouldn't give to be able to put my hand in this jackass'es face. Here are my impressions. I have been wrong before and I just might be wrong now, but here's what I think. He's bluffing. I don't think he has any plans to leave Hopes. Why should he? Right now (well up until Hopes discovered LS ) he has had the best of both worlds. He has been able to have his cake and eat it too. He has enjoyed all the status and financial security of a marriage and he can have his lady friend and romance on the side. He has had it ALL. Hopes has NOTHING. The other woman, in actuality, has had practically nothing. I'm sure he's promising the OW that he will leave Hopes, but to do that would certainly mean he would have to lower his standard of living and this selfish bastard is not going to want to do that, in my opinion. This is why he keeps being nice to Hopes. He wants to have his lady friend AND his financial security. He liked what was the status quo. Take him to the damn cleaners, Hopes. Forget marriage to this clown. Personally I think he's a sociopath. The quote above is a thinly veiled threat from what appears to be a control freak. I wouldn't want anything to do with his ass. Maybe at one time he was a decent human being, but that time has passed. Unless and until he can own up to his horrible behavior and start to make REAL amends to you, he needs to be out of your life. He needs to grow a pair and realize that he is not the only person in your life. Unfortunately your attention was needed elsewhere and he rewarded that by having an affair. Real mature there, stud. I'd get rid of him once and for all and let the OW have him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 It is OK at this point to not lose sight of the fact that what you are ultimately hoping for is to save the marriage. The process is the same. Either he having a mid life crisis or an affair or probably both. He has lost sight of reality and in fact, his real life. Even if he has come to the conclusion that he wants out at all costs, the process is the same. I do want to save this marriage and I wish to God I didn't. Yu have nothing to lose by trying to save you marriage. But if you are not proactive in the process, you will lose not only your marriage but your lifestyle, and a piece of yourself. I refuse to let him him take me for a mug. Pieces of me have already fallen off, and stupid gullible me will have more pieces taken off unless I grow a backbone and see through the deception. I need to envision life without him, and it just can't be done right now, no matter how I try. Did what I say just now even make sense? How can I be more proactive? He knows I'm desperate, and he's loving it! I need to play the cards close to my chest, perhaps play his game and see where that leads? Its possible he is in crisis, in a fog, being completely selfish and as such: He is out of control but wanting control. Not possible. He is incapable at the moment of making decisions that affect you and your family. Regardless of what outcome you hope for, you have to stand your ground, live in reality and deal with logistics. Doing my best to live in reality and doing my best to make him see it as well but he is just looking at it as me being nagging and carping. I wanted to talk with him tonight but he shut me out by saying "Let's not have bad blood between us tonight" He has the idea , clearly, that he can just live in the house with you as a much loved roommate and he can live his own life. Honestly, that is beyond ridiculous. Because of your loving nature, he knows how to break you. He has having temper tantrums because his fiasco is not playing out to his wishes. He's just not opening up to me. He's a closed book. It's as if he has his plans in place and he ain't changing them for nothing. On the other hand, it is possible that when faced with reality (and this is only the beginning of the process) he will exhaust himself and start to rethink what he is losing. Yes! Is that really possible? He's had a year to think about what he was going to do...I've only had a few weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 I know you want him back. But there is no future unless HE is the one that apologizes and does everything he can to show you that he loves and cherishes YOU.. He should beg your forgiveness. Unitl then-no no no no no I just don't see that happening, if that did happen I would die from heart attack. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 The really stupid thing is that he brings in a realtor , not an attorney. Shows he is bluffing or, like someone said earlier: Unarmed. Chances are he has his attorney, no doubt he has looked into things. He isn't unarmed. He just chooses not to share this information with me, just like he didn't share the information that he was attracted to another woman and embarking on an affair with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 Ok, so you say: "The news that you'll always be there fills me with dread. I don't want you there always, I'm rather hoping to get rid of you. Thank you for being sorry for the mysery you're causing me. I truly appreciate the sentiment, I'm sure it comes from the heart. I'll be sure to remember it when the guy who's going to be valuing the house comes round. Thanks for doing that, too. The door is so bolted, I've even fitted padlocks, security bars and extra bolts. It's tighter than Fort Knox. You think you're walking back through it, you have another think coming." Love it! Thanks. Didn't use it and didn't even reply to it. Oh, and not long after that email he sent me a Polar Day Card. Wtf? lol....and then the same old tripe was on it...ur wonderful, blah blah Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 thank you so much island girl... I have reread what you wrote many times, it will give me strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Oh, and not long after that email he sent me a Polar Day Card. Wtf? lol....and then the same old tripe was on it...ur wonderful, blah blah A Polar Day Card? Is he bi-polar? If he is not on medication that actually would explain a lot. If you think he already has sought counsel then you need to MOVE. You need to get your own plan together. He has had his own plan for a year only because he has been able to keep you "dancing" due to his stupid self serving e-mails. His expressions of "sorrow" always are more about him than you. He sucks as a person. He is a sucky person! OMG he just makes me wish I could use Chinese Water Torture on him. Ugh. I have to say I am so impressed with YOU though! You have come so far just since you posted this thread! Perhaps you are starting to read between the lines when he pulls all his sorrowful whining poor "us" crap? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 And remember Hopes...there is a much better life out there for you. You have a brand new grandbaby! How wonderful! There are so many adventures for you yet. You are still young. This is an opporunity for you to get out and explore the world. Your daughter needs you right now, and how can you be there for her if you are an emotional wreck. I promise you, if this man is good for you, (remember, he told you he loved you-loved, past tense. and hesaid he still "cares" for you...that is not enough!!)if he cherishes you, he will show it, one way or another. Even if you tell him it's over. He is the one that caused that-not you!!! Nothing you have done has warranted this behavior from him. If he is good enough for you, he will come to you with his heart and apologize and be patient until you are ready to reconcile. What kind of woman do you want to be? The kind a man treats like a piece of crap and doesn't respect. Or that kind that demands a man to respect her?? He is taking all your energy and your self esteem from you. IF he doesn't have it in his heart to help you heal from what he's done, then he is no good for you. You DO need to get a lawyer ASAP to help you know your rights in this situation. Find a woman lawyer, Ithink that will be best. Take care of yourself.. Stop worrying about him. Worry about YOU I do want to come out of this, if the worse scene scenario happens, in one piece. Yes, there are more things to live for than just him. You are spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 He admits now to being a self-serving, selfish, conceited man and he said I'd be better off without him. He's trading me in for a new model (MOW) because he is bored. To him, getting rid of me and moving on to someone else is no different from getting a new job and moving up in the world. He says he has nothing to look forward to being with me. So, there it is in a nutshell and all the crying, begging, promises meant nothing and all my heartache is for nothing. My self-esteem has taken a sh*t kicking, big time. There is now nothing else to do now but get a lawyer. It's done. It's over. Yes, I feel like sh*t. Thx to all for responding to my posts, sharing your insights, meant so much to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Dack Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 whoops! i posted this wrong -- going to make my own thread -- sorry -- Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 removing post content Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Hi hopes I am sorry you are feeling down. He is a selfish scum sucker isn't he? Leaving pain in his wake and with no consideration for those that have stood by him for so long. Tomorrow you need to get an attorney. You need to start the doing part and keep your mind away from the feelings. Keep yourself busy in the mean time with that beautiful new baby. I'm sure that can fill a lot of time. Just get your wits about you now. Now you know you needn't feel guilty about taking him to the cleaners. So get an accurate picture of your rights and act on your own behalf (and that of your daughter and grandchild). Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Another undiagnosed Narcissist.... He's a total and utter shameless, stupid, selfish, reprehensible, despicable count. (Take to 'o' out and you'll see what I mean. ) Do whatever you have to, to let him see the consequences of his actions. Take him to the cleaners and wipe the floor with him. Be angry. Be very, very angry. And throw all his emails back at him with "SH*TFACED LIAR!!!" scrawled all over them. Link to post Share on other sites
guessjeans Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I've read some of the emails and advice you have received on here, and I have to say, living with, and being dumped for another woman at my ex husbands work, i totally understand what you are going through. But! Let me tell you this! He sounds just like mine was, and still is. Narcissistic! Read up on it on the web. A lot of behavior he has in the past, and now, will make a lot of sense to you. Narcissistic ppl feed on attention. Good, bad, or indifferent...he need full time attention. My ex accused me of paying too much attention to our son, and not enough to him. Duh! I was to blame for everything. They are mere shells of ppl that have very low self esteem and self confidence. They are controlling, and they are habitual cheaters! Always in search of their next supply. Did you and he marry quickly? Did you have a very hurried courtship? They lack remorse. They will devalue you and discard you like yesterdays newspaper. They can never really love anyone like normal ppl do. Did you always feel you loved him more than you loved him? Complete control freaks! They have to control the relationship, what you do as a family, what you buy, where you go! This OW is giving him all the attention he needs. She is his new supply. They usually chose women that are emotionally vulnerable, and in most times married. This is their game. To get the woman to leave her family, so that he can say to himself look how good i am..she left her family for me...I must be great! You cant win this battle..and you dont want to. Narcissistic men cant stand being ignored. They feed on attention. Going to as close to NC as you can is your best defense. Yep..he will attempt to keep you close as a back up, additional supply for him...but he will go back to the OW. You have the power to stop this insanity now. Ignore him. Get yourself a lawyer. Read up on Narcissistic men. You will be floored by what you will discover, and how close it is your life with this man. They are emotionally detached. Hoping that he will see sense just isnt going to happen. Their world revolves around THEM. They make sure that they always come first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 It happened sooner than later, a relief, a buzz, a peacefulness has washed over me. How long will this feeling last? Relieved that I will no longer have to be with a conceited, selfish man, it's so emotionally draining and he was my world. When he no longer felt the need to have me around he discarded me without any feeling. Sure, he pretended to feel and he was darn good at it, had me fooled up until a few days ago. When his affair was discovered by me, he didn't say sorry only that he had been unhappy with me and that he loved the MOW. Then, he had me convinced that he would choose me over her, in time. How ridiculous is that? That's the kind of control he had over me. So, we continued on with him having his cake and eating it too and me a complete emotional basketcase while he sang happy tunes and felt on top of the world. He was getting pressured though by me to make a decision whether or not we could work on the marriage, I insisted he dump the ego feeding MOW, and to seek help for his mental problems (which he had admitted to). He of course chose her in the end, or shall I say himself..because when I had asked him for the final time "What's it going to be? Make a decision and make it now." He pouted for a few minutes, pondering, he couldn't even look at me and couldn't give me an answer so I gave one for him. I could not go on like this. It would have been so much easier if he had just up and left me on February 12, instead he treated like a toy, not a person, and made me suffer longer than necessary. He had already known it wasn't going to work between us, already made his decisions, his plans were thwarted, he needed more time to put his plans in place and he wasn't man enough to tell me the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Exactly hopes! I am in awe and admiration right now of your clarity and strength. Now that the view is clear from where you stand you can make a difference in your own life. My mom always says, "life is like being dropped in a row boat in the middle of the ocean with land just off in the distance. One side of the land is rocky and dry - nothing can grow and living there would be hard. The other side is beautiful and lush and living there is a happy existence. Sure if you drift and wait you MAY end up on the beautiful side. BUT if you use the oars and ROW there it's GUARANTEED you will land where you want." So there you are hopes. You can see the land of freedom and your OWN happiness. And now you can ROW!! Link to post Share on other sites
QueenVictoria Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Aries men are evil, they are not "keepers" Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Well, my father is an Aries, and he's been married for 56 years, so don't generalise, ok? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopesndreams Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 My soon to be ex husband and I are still living under the same roof, unfortunately. The house we own is on the market and there has been quite a few showings but no offers as of yet. We have both agreed to end our marriage but it's so difficult to be in the same room and to breathe the same air as him because my feelings for him are still there and still strong, even though I am fighting it as best I can but until he actually leaves my presence, the suffering will be longer. Please God, let there be an end in sight soon. Anyways, the other day he wrote me another one of his emails with the same stuff, I love you, cherish you, you're wonderful, intelligent, kind, warm...well, you know. But he also wrote something about choosing our path in life and whether we are still together or not when we choose that path...he will always love me and think about me every day. So, I wrote something up to respond to what he had written and it made me feel so much better about myself and I thought I'd share it..... The path I choose to take is with the Lord, There will be no shame, no guilt, no pain, no loss of self-esteem and self-respect I will not walk alone on this earth for God has chosen someone for me, a mate We will believe in each other, trust each other, and respect each other and above all else love and commit to each other I have learned from my relationship with you and will carry it over to someone new someone that God has already chosen and I have yet to meet I believe, with my heart and my mind, we are best to choose separate paths You had chosen yours already but I refused to believe it Until now I will no longer try to ignite a spark in you for me, the spark you once had has burnt out completely I see that now Let's be civil to eachother during the time we have left under the same roof That's all there is now and will forever be Link to post Share on other sites
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