What happened to human compassion?

[OneFootOut]

I have read many threads here and see so many comments like "forget him/her" "stop wasting your time on him/her" "obviously he/she is cheating, move on" "he/she is no good, get rid of him/her" etc.

 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I can't turn my feelings on and off like a switch. When you are in a relationship for years, sometimes 10+, you have invested a lot of time and a lot of your life into that relationship.

 

Regardless of the whys and whats and who's, you obviously loved and cared for your partner at some point or you wouldn't have been with them.

 

So why keep throwing them under the bus? Why the drama and hatefulness? I know first hand how gut-wrenching and heartbreaking it can be for it to all end, whether or not you saw it coming.

 

The point is, every single one of us is on our own individual journey through this life. We each have things we need to deal with and go through. We each react and feel and experience different things in different ways. That is where understanding and compassion come in.

 

Your partner, or soon to be ex, is a human being dealing with his or her own issues. Why not take the high road and be as supportive as you can for each other?

 

You both built the relationship, and you both had a hand in driving it into the ditch - whether or not you realize it or choose to admit it. You both invested part of your lives in it and each other. Why not respect and honor that by ending things together in a peaceful way and helping each other move on?

 

I've been on the emotional hell ride over the last few weeks, but I didn't lay it on my husband. I have never said a harsh thing to him or spoken to him in anger through this, nor has he treated me that way. We are still friendly and are handling this with as much respect and kindness as we possibly can toward each other.

 

People come and go in your life, they grow and change and don't fit anymore. People DO have personal issues that sometimes get the best of them, and they DO need to step aside and fix themselves from time to time. Why be hostile about it? Try to look at them as not your spouse who is leaving you, or cheating on you or whatever the deal is, but as a human being that you care about. Try to end your relationship together with as much effort as you did to start it. Then you can both walk away and be OK with it.

[pparrott]

Thank you........that was a bit refreshing from the norm that is in here.

It does take 2 to make a relationship. If BOTH are willing to take this attitude - maybe more could be saved.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I'm thinking the exact same myself (but mine is after a guy rammed into my car and ran off without paying the insurance or checking to even see if we were okay)

 

I don't know if all people are all that compassionate to be honest.

 

Remember people are only higher animals and we have a lot intermingled within us. Our instincts (which aren't always compassionate or selfless), our emotions, our thoughts, our spirituality etc etc. I remember a very potent life from Dark Knight that in hard times...'civilised people will eat each other'. This isn't meant to be cynical by the way...there IS compassion in people but there are a lot of ugly aspects in being human as well which we somehow have to also contend with. But if you really love someone you can't just cut out the time, energy, effort and love you have invested, nor should you necessarily.

[incision]

i completly understand what your saying i mean when i first posted on this site all i got was she was cheating and she was doing this and that, well i know her better than anyone and she isnt doing any of that i know that for a fact, we are polite to each other there is no need for animosity at all. Infact i had a great talk with my wife the other night and cleared alot of things up and we are working things out now we even stayed together in the same bed and i`ve been moved out for 2 months,but if i had listened to all of you lot i`d have filed for divorce and kicked her to the kerb by now. I understand people have been hurt by thier respective partners but not all women are the same. so thanks for the advice and i did take some of it in and i am looking out for myself but i`m trying to work it out with my wife but if it doesn`t work then i`ll still have a friend that i`ve known for a long time of my life.

[hopesndreams]

I absolutely love what you have written! Thank you.

[skinman]

I've been on the emotional hell ride over the last few weeks, but I didn't lay it on my husband. I have never said a harsh thing to him or spoken to him in anger through this, nor has he treated me that way. We are still friendly and are handling this with as much respect and kindness as we possibly can toward each other.

 

People come and go in your life, they grow and change and don't fit anymore. People DO have personal issues that sometimes get the best of them, and they DO need to step aside and fix themselves from time to time. Why be hostile about it? Try to look at them as not your spouse who is leaving you, or cheating on you or whatever the deal is, but as a human being that you care about. Try to end your relationship together with as much effort as you did to start it. Then you can both walk away and be OK with it

 

you know your words are so true in a sense that there are people on here who are so bitter from thier own experiiences that all they want to see is the revenge factor.... I myself have been on this ride for a little over 3 months now.... during this time the woman whom I have loved for over 15 years has said every nasty and hatfull thing she could think of to break me, demoralize me even further as she walked out of my life. I on the other hand have only in the last month resorted to calling her names, giving her a piece of the BS she has given me during all of this......

 

I agree we wanted to end this as civil as possible but some people are only out to make your life hell and as miserable as possible... That is what my POS stbxw has done to me.. Finally after taking so much grief and abuse from her and the good hearted folks on here have I seen the light..

 

If they are going to treat you like a POS then by all means treat them back that way... You are one of the lucky ones where you could work it out in an adult manner...... Some people cant and they take the measures that they do... Am I proud of what I have said to the woman who has bared my daughter No... but there comes a point when you can only take so much abuse from someone at one time meant the world to you...

[TrustInYourself]

I have read many threads here and see so many comments like "forget him/her" "stop wasting your time on him/her" "obviously he/she is cheating, move on" "he/she is no good, get rid of him/her" etc.

 

I don't know about the rest of you, but I can't turn my feelings on and off like a switch. When you are in a relationship for years, sometimes 10+, you have invested a lot of time and a lot of your life into that relationship.

 

Regardless of the whys and whats and who's, you obviously loved and cared for your partner at some point or you wouldn't have been with them.

 

So why keep throwing them under the bus? Why the drama and hatefulness? I know first hand how gut-wrenching and heartbreaking it can be for it to all end, whether or not you saw it coming.

 

The point is, every single one of us is on our own individual journey through this life. We each have things we need to deal with and go through. We each react and feel and experience different things in different ways. That is where understanding and compassion come in.

 

Your partner, or soon to be ex, is a human being dealing with his or her own issues. Why not take the high road and be as supportive as you can for each other?

 

You both built the relationship, and you both had a hand in driving it into the ditch - whether or not you realize it or choose to admit it. You both invested part of your lives in it and each other. Why not respect and honor that by ending things together in a peaceful way and helping each other move on?

 

I've been on the emotional hell ride over the last few weeks, but I didn't lay it on my husband. I have never said a harsh thing to him or spoken to him in anger through this, nor has he treated me that way. We are still friendly and are handling this with as much respect and kindness as we possibly can toward each other.

 

People come and go in your life, they grow and change and don't fit anymore. People DO have personal issues that sometimes get the best of them, and they DO need to step aside and fix themselves from time to time. Why be hostile about it? Try to look at them as not your spouse who is leaving you, or cheating on you or whatever the deal is, but as a human being that you care about. Try to end your relationship together with as much effort as you did to start it. Then you can both walk away and be OK with it.

 

Great post and I agree. I think the issue with LS is you are dealing with a ton of people whose marriages did not work. They are jaded and they're going to be blunt about the end. They've accepted it and found that acceptance leads to healing.

 

You have a small percentage who are still married, but they have not addressed the issues that brought them here. They're hurting and not in a position to doubt or question advice from veterans on LS.

 

Don't get me wrong, many of the veteran posters here on LS are extremely wise, knowledgeable, and caring; but most have a different perspective due to their history. They've learned to turn the switch on and off.

[Dexter Morgan]

Regardless of the whys and whats and who's, you obviously loved and cared for your partner at some point or you wouldn't have been with them.

 

Thats true. But then if that partner cheats, well then I guess they didn't care as much as you would believe or hope.

 

 

So why keep throwing them under the bus?

 

Uh.....because they cheated?

 

 

The point is, every single one of us is on our own individual journey through this life. We each have things we need to deal with and go through. We each react and feel and experience different things in different ways. That is where understanding and compassion come in.

 

Your partner, or soon to be ex, is a human being dealing with his or her own issues. Why not take the high road and be as supportive as you can for each other?

 

The support base was lost once she spread 'em for someone else.

 

 

You both built the relationship, and you both had a hand in driving it into the ditch

 

Sure, and normally I could call a wrecker and get that car out of the ditch...no big deal. But if we both wreck the car....then she goes off with another man.....big difference:rolleyes:

 

 

You both invested part of your lives in it and each other. Why not respect and honor that by ending things together in a peaceful way and helping each other move on?

 

Oh I can agree with ending it peacefully....but I'm not going to help anyone that betrayed me move on. She was a big enough girl to mess around during the marriage...she is a big enough girl to help herself start another life.

 

 

I've been on the emotional hell ride over the last few weeks, but I didn't lay it on my husband. I have never said a harsh thing to him or spoken to him in anger through this, nor has he treated me that way.

 

Did he cheat on you? If so, then yes, he DID treat you in that way by betraying you.

 

Mind you, I'm assuming cheating with regards to the points you are trying to make because as you said at the beginning of your post, you were talking about people saying "dump him/her"..."get rid of them". And the only way I'd advise that in almost 100% of the cases is when cheating is involved.

 

 

We are still friendly and are handling this with as much respect and kindness as we possibly can toward each other.

 

Well thats wonderful.

 

 

People come and go in your life, they grow and change and don't fit anymore. People DO have personal issues that sometimes get the best of them, and they DO need to step aside and fix themselves from time to time. Why be hostile about it?

 

Why be a pushover about it?

 

 

Try to look at them as not your spouse who is leaving you, or cheating on you or whatever the deal is, but as a human being that you care about.

 

I cared about her.....until she cheated. Because obviously she could have given 2 squirts of p!ss about me and the family to do what she did.

 

I have a slight aversion to being played for a fool.

 

Try to end your relationship together with as much effort as you did to start it. Then you can both walk away and be OK with it.

 

I'm ok with it. Dating around, found someone I feel I can trust....life is good!

[OneFootOut]

 

I'm ok with it. Dating around, found someone I feel I can trust....life is good!

 

So go thank your ex for cutting you loose so you could find your new wonderful life

 

 

Now look back at this without all the drama and emotion. Apparently, you two were in each other's lives for a moment, a lesson, an experience, or even as a catalyst to get you where you are now - obliviously happy with a new partner and one you feel you can trust. Get it? People come and go in each others lives, whether they are good or bad, and whether they are there for years or a fleeting moment, you cross paths for a reason, even if you don't see it at the time.

 

Hopefully you have learned things about yourself and became a better person through it all. It's something to reflect on and think about... the way life moves us around, either like a slow methodical chess game, or sometimes just jerking the rug out from under us.

 

I've had the abuser and the cheater and the thief. My current husband is none of those things, he just reached a point in his life where he needed to finally face some things inside. This has nothing to do with me or any other person, it's something personal he has to come to grips with in order to move forward, whether that will be with me in time, or someone new. I can't fault him for being human.

 

While he figures himself out, I have a life to live and kids to care for. So that is what I'm doing. I have my own issues to deal with as well, and hope to get my own head sorted out through this.

 

Hey, there's less laundry, the house is cleaner, and the kids don't whine and cry anymore. This separation seems to be what we all needed. He's coming to have supper with us tonight, then we'll hang out a while this eve, maybe talk some more, and then he'll leave and go home to his place. It's all good. This is where we need to be right now. Who knows what the future holds. Not me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's not easy having compassion for someone who "promised under god" to be one with you forever. I as a man when he makes a promise like that I'm a man of my word. So I take hers to heart as well. If that person than betrays me for her feelings I'd take real offense to it.

 

Because I upheld my promise, why didnt she. Compassion?

 

Not everyone deserves compassion if they betray people. I cannot in some case just slump away and resign myself to say "We'll always be friends" Cheating and adultery is not a friends making trait!!! Why be friends with someone who betrayed you. In time they'll be forgiveness yes. In time they'll even be a recognition that you are better after time, but if the pain and hurt is still raw. Compassion is the farthest thing on your mind.

[climbergirl]

I think it's awesome that you guys have been able to deal with your separation in a friendly manner, but not all of us should or can do that. It really depends on the circumstances surrounding it, like many have pointed out.

 

And compassion in your case is recipricated. Not all of us have that. I did in the beginning, but when he treated my kids horribly in the interim...that's where I draw the line in having 'compassion'. A person who can do that to children does not deserve my compassion.

 

And that doesn't mean we are devoid of introspection. But situations are very different here, and anger can be a good sign of disengaging and validating our own feelings for once.

[OneFootOut]

It's not easy having compassion for someone who "promised under god" to be one with you forever. I as a man when he makes a promise like that I'm a man of my word. So I take hers to heart as well. If that person than betrays me for her feelings I'd take real offense to it.

 

Because I upheld my promise, why didnt she. Compassion?

 

Not everyone deserves compassion if they betray people. I cannot in some case just slump away and resign myself to say "We'll always be friends" Cheating and adultery is not a friends making trait!!! Why be friends with someone who betrayed you. In time they'll be forgiveness yes. In time they'll even be a recognition that you are better after time, but if the pain and hurt is still raw. Compassion is the farthest thing on your mind.

 

My husband and I also promised under God and everyone else that we planned to be together for the rest of our lives. Things change. Are you telling me that you would prefer to stay together absolutely miserable and unfulfilled, rather than be apart and have a chance to be happy and fulfilled again? - Just because you made a promise under God when you said your wedding vows? Maybe God is the one moving you apart so He can put you in another place.

 

Yes, it hurts, yes there are things to be angry over, and moments of wondering what the hell happened to our lives, but it doesn't need to be a battle royal between you. You have every right to feel offended and feel all sorts of emotions, but you need to own them yourself and not throw daggers at the spouse. Maybe I am just a different breed of person, who knows. I'd just rather try to find the positive and think things through, including what the spouse is going through as another human being with struggles as great as my own.

 

For the record, I am still an emotional wreck inside, but I am working through it. He made his choice for his life, and I can either choose to understand and find a way to accept it and support him (as another human being) or I can be a miserable b*tch who throws daggers and tries to take him to the cleaners. I choose the higher road, but maybe thats just me.

 

I really am sorry that so many of your wives cheated on you and took everything they could from you. I don't understand why people act that way. When my husband finally talked to me about the things going on with him and said he needed space, we looked at ads together. We made decisions about furniture and things he needed from the house and I helped him pack and made sure he had everything he needed.

 

I've known and loved him for 12 years, why would I throw him to the wolves or not step up to help him? After we got him moved and settled, he came back here and helped me clean it all back up and arrange what furniture was left. The kids aren't even an issue, he's their dad, they need each other. I won't take him to court for money or anything else, even if we are to divorce in the future. I just don't see any reason to make his life more complicated when I can handle my own.

 

I wish you all(all of you going through this) the best, and hope you can find some peace somehow and let go of the anger you are carrying around so you can have a better future

[Dexter Morgan]

So go thank your ex for cutting you loose so you could find your new wonderful life

 

Well, I actually cut her out, but hey....the end result is the same. Works for me.

 

 

Hopefully you have learned things about yourself and became a better person through it all.

 

Some would say I have become a worse person because I am more guarded. But to me, being guarded will serve me well. There isn't some impenetrable shield up around me, but I am now of the mindset that if it happens again, there isn't anything to even try to think about. I'm outta there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Here is another thought. I think its easier for a woman to be able to think a breakup should be civil and there should be compassion.

 

Because usually its the man that has his kids taken away from him and he has to pay for the priviledge:rolleyes: of not being with them on a daily basis.

[OneFootOut]

I think it's awesome that you guys have been able to deal with your separation in a friendly manner, but not all of us should or can do that. It really depends on the circumstances surrounding it, like many have pointed out.

 

And compassion in your case is recipricated. Not all of us have that. I did in the beginning, but when he treated my kids horribly in the interim...that's where I draw the line in having 'compassion'. A person who can do that to children does not deserve my compassion.

 

And that doesn't mean we are devoid of introspection. But situations are very different here, and anger can be a good sign of disengaging and validating our own feelings for once.

 

My views do not apply to ANYONE who is abusive to children in any way shape or form, or abusive to their spouses. That is a deal breaker, and yes, in cases like that, there is no room for compassion. I guess I just mean a couple that breaks up because one or the other has personal issues to work through (needs space, needs to find themselves, etc)

[OneFootOut]

Here is another thought. I think its easier for a woman to be able to think a breakup should be civil and there should be compassion.

 

Because usually its the man that has his kids taken away from him and he has to pay for the priviledge:rolleyes: of not being with them on a daily basis.

 

 

See.. part of my point is, if there wasn't so much hate and drama going on, maybe this wouldn't happen?

 

My husband has been over here for a little while every day since he left to be a part of the kid's lives. He's a good dad, and they need him as much as he does them. I wouldn't dream of preventing them from being together. Just because he left me, doesn't mean he left them. And as far as paying for them. We will both raise the kids and take care of them, neither of us needs to hand the other any money.

 

Of course as it was mentioned before, if he mistreated the kids, that's a whole 'nuther story.

[Dexter Morgan]

See.. part of my point is, if there wasn't so much hate and drama going on, maybe this wouldn't happen?

 

There wasn't. I, like an idiot, stayed home with the kids so she could go out and blow off some steam with friends. thought I was being a good husband.....but I was being a fool.

 

And if you are talking about the kids being taken away...sorry, I want them with me everyday, staying at my house. But because she couldn't keep herself from another man, I am the one that gets to lose that joy.

[Geishawhelk]

I think we're confusing Compassion with affection.

 

I have compassion for my ex- but I have no affection for him.

 

For example:

I lived in this country, he lives in another.

I had to travel to 'his' country to collect my belongings from our marital home, because it was being sold, and I needed my stuff.

Many arrangements had to be made for me to go there to collect said stuff, and all arrangements had been agreed to by both.

 

Five days before I leave to go there (bear in mind this has been a long marriage - 22 years) I get an e-mail telling me I would have to cut short my visit as he has to travel to the country I'm living in, to attend his sister's funeral.

 

WTF - ?!? Funeral -??

 

I hadn't even been told she was ill!!

 

So I contact him and I hadn't been told because I wasn't 'family'.

 

Well, I felt compassion for him, because he waas quite close to his sister, but affection?

Not a bit of it.

 

To further clarify:

His Holiness the Dalai Lama has boundless and endless compassion for the Chinese Government. But he has no affection for them at all.

 

let's get the terminology straight.

Compassion doesn't mean having affection or liking someone.

It means having an understanding of their humanness, and understanding that they, like anyone else, know suffering.

 

That's it.

[theBrokenMuse]

So why keep throwing them under the bus? Why the drama and hatefulness? I know first hand how gut-wrenching and heartbreaking it can be for it to all end, whether or not you saw it coming.

 

Well for one, anger is a vital component to healing for many people. I went through a phase were I hated all of my exs. It helped me pick myself up off of the ground and put one foot in front of the other. It can be much more productive than crippling sorrow and to be honest, some people are just plain deserving of contempt.

The point is, every single one of us is on our own individual journey through this life. We each have things we need to deal with and go through. We each react and feel and experience different things in different ways. That is where understanding and compassion come in.

 

I understand perfectly why *some* people can be civil with their exs and some can not. There are some individuals out there that will completely destroy another human being for the sake of their own needs without giving a damn about the carnage they cause. People that act like giant black holes that consume everything in their path don't need more of your compassion and empathy. They will drain you dry and toss your husk aside.

 

Your partner, or soon to be ex, is a human being dealing with his or her own issues. Why not take the high road and be as supportive as you can for each other?

 

Well, because sometimes you have to act out of self-interest if you want to survive with your sanity intact. Being too altruistic to someone who does not have your best interest at heart is usually only going to hurt you more.

You both built the relationship, and you both had a hand in driving it into the ditch - whether or not you realize it or choose to admit it.

Seriously, I call BS on this one. I am not saying that this applies to my case totally but there are relationships out there that fall apart because one person is just messed up beyond words. It happens.

 

Try to look at them as not your spouse who is leaving you, or cheating on you or whatever the deal is, but as a human being that you care about. Try to end your relationship together with as much effort as you did to start it. Then you can both walk away and be OK with it.

 

Well, simply put, because I see no reason to be magnanimous to people who intentionally harm you unless you are a masochist.

[urdone]

There wasn't. I, like an idiot, stayed home with the kids so she could go out and blow off some steam with friends. thought I was being a good husband.....but I was being a fool.

 

And if you are talking about the kids being taken away...sorry, I want them with me everyday, staying at my house. But because she couldn't keep herself from another man, I am the one that gets to lose that joy.

 

We were obviously married to the same woman, and like you I stayed home so she could go out and have some fun....yeah like giving blow jobs to the guy who was hours earlier at my house smiling and shaking my hand...last time I checked I didn't cheat, lie, hurt, abuse or do anything other then love and support my wife 100% and for this I have my life, hopes, dreams shattered into a thousand million pieces. Now I get to not see my kids, lendure a living nightmare, sleep 3 hours a night and wake up in cold sweats and have to hear my chronically depressed 9 year old tell me "I hate my life I want to kill myself"...and all the while mummies out doing God knows what with God knows who and acting like life is one big party.

 

Compassion COMPASSION!!!!!!!!!!, seriously are you kidding me.

[n9688m]

I've been on the emotional hell ride over the last few weeks, but I didn't lay it on my husband. I have never said a harsh thing to him or spoken to him in anger through this, nor has he treated me that way. We are still friendly and are handling this with as much respect and kindness as we possibly can toward each other.

 

OK let me take a guess here:

 

1. You had an affair (whether you admitted it or not)

2. He left you

3. You earn more money than he does - or perhaps you earn about the same

4. You sweet talked him into leaving the marital home, and he agreed

5. He has consented to your having primary custody of the kids

6. You would like to reconcile at some point in the future

 

Yes, this is a recipe for an amiable separation.

 

Change a few of the above facts and instead you have outright war.

 

Sure I'd love to wish my soon-ex wife well and have her get on with her life. But the problem is that while she doesn't want my physical presence, she sure as h*** wants my money - way way more money than needed to care for the kids.

 

And that's where so much animosity comes from in divorce. If she wants out of my life - then fine, get out of my life. But don't cripple my future financial wellbeing by forcing me to support you.

[edgeof27]

We were obviously married to the same woman, and like you I stayed home so she could go out and have some fun....yeah like giving blow jobs to the guy who was hours earlier at my house smiling and shaking my hand...last time I checked I didn't cheat, lie, hurt, abuse or do anything other then love and support my wife 100% and for this I have my life, hopes, dreams shattered into a thousand million pieces. Now I get to not see my kids, lendure a living nightmare, sleep 3 hours a night and wake up in cold sweats and have to hear my chronically depressed 9 year old tell me "I hate my life I want to kill myself"...and all the while mummies out doing God knows what with God knows who and acting like life is one big party.

 

Compassion COMPASSION!!!!!!!!!!, seriously are you kidding me.

 

Read your threads, how are you doing now,

 

g....

[OneFootOut]

OK let me take a guess here:

 

1. You had an affair (whether you admitted it or not)

Um, NO. I didn't and I wouldn't, even now. Not all women are tramps. Its not always about affairs and cheating.

 

2. He left you

He moved out to have his own space, so he could work on HIS issues. He says he doesn't want a divorce, just some time to battle his demons.

 

3. You earn more money than he does - or perhaps you earn about the same

No, I am a stay at home mother with a very small income I make doing freelance art when I have time. It covers the rent and utilities. He has a job to support himself at his new place. Neither of us are keeping up the other.

 

4. You sweet talked him into leaving the marital home, and he agreed

Um, NO. HE convinced ME that this was best right now, so he could work on himself.

 

5. He has consented to your having primary custody of the kids

No, we have never discussed it. Our kids are not an issue. He has seen them every day since he moved and will likely continue to do so. They need us both. We both need them.

 

6. You would like to reconcile at some point in the future

Actually, I am on the fence with that one. I don't see how he can overcome some of his issues to the point where we would be able to work it out. I have struggled quite a lot over the last 12 years with an "emotional death" of sorts due to our problems. I just don't know how to get that back. He, on the other hand, has faith that he will get himself sorted out and get "us" back.

 

If you would take the time to read up on my story, you would realize my scenario doesn't fit your layout. News Flash - Not all women are the "bad guys" either. Not all women cheat and lie and take you for everything you have.

 

I have never done my husband wrong. On the contrary, I have stood by him for the last 12 years when anyone else would have probably left long ago. His issues lie within himself, and that is why he has chosen to separate at this point.

 

I can't pretend to understand it all, and I have my days where I am either crying with hurt, or angry as hell, but I choose not to lay that on him. Those emotions are for my private time, and they are coming less and less now. I just get through it and carry on.

 

I honestly think he is trying to let go for good, he just won't come right out and say it. I am expecting him to get used to his new life on his own and gradually let go of the noble "I'm going to fix myself" goals, and start drifting away. It wouldn't shock me to see a divorce in the near future.

 

Still, I know him as a person and a friend, and I understand he is going through some things, so I stand by him as such. I know he realizes I am also going through things. He knows how I feel and what I think about the whole situation because I am quite open and honest with him about it.

 

He was here tonight playing with the kids and had dinner with us. He collected a few more of his things, and we talked about non-personal topics until he left.

 

 

 

It hit me tonight how utterly lonely I have been for the last several years. I'm lonely as hell. I had learned long ago to ignore that feeling and distract myself with the kids or chores. But tonight it hit full force and once again my heart sank to the floor. How nice it would be to love someone who would love me back.

[n9688m]

Thanks for the input.

 

I'm puzzled by how tow people as interesting in caring for one another as you two seem could not or cannot work this out in counseling.

 

And I know you will say I am cynical but here goes.. are you sure he isn't having an affair?

[OneFootOut]

Thanks for the input.

 

I'm puzzled by how tow people as interesting in caring for one another as you two seem could not or cannot work this out in counseling.

 

And I know you will say I am cynical but here goes.. are you sure he isn't having an affair?

 

Not only have I realized again how lonely I am tonight, but the frustration about it has resurfaced as well, so here I sit in tears again.

 

You're puzzled? So am I.

 

My husband is not having an affair. He has issues inside him that make him completely uninterested in sex, or any type of intimacy, trust me on that. It has been hard enough through the years to wrap my head around the fact that he is a man, and he doesn't like or want sex. You just never hear of that, so you just don't know how to take it when you are faced with it.

 

Also, the years of not having any physical contact or affection has done a number on me. I'm very aware of my own issues right now, like trust for one. At this point, I don't think I could ever trust a man enough to get involved with one again. That passion and fire that was so much a part of me has also dimmed and faded. I just don't know how to get it back again, or if I ever will.

 

I think my husband still has things he is holding back, and has not admitted to me. I just feel that there is more to it than the childhood abuse, and other things he has told me about just recently.

 

We do plan to go to marriage counseling when the dust settles from all this. He is going on his own to resolve some of his personal issues, and we are going together for the marriage part.

 

The thing is.. he is psychologically incapable of wanting to be intimate with me. I am incapable by choice, of continuing to live my life in a marriage without any intimacy of any kind. I've done it as long as I can all these years I stayed trying to fix it.

 

So there you have it. That is the impasse. We love each other and care about each other, but each of us needs something that the other person is not capable of being.

 

It's sad, we had planned to grow old together, but now it looks like we won't.

 

I can't expect him to be someone he isn't. I can't expect him to force himself to act interested in me, and be physical with me, and I wouldn't want to.

 

If I could choose to live out my life as a nun, and be OK being married to a man who would never be interested in me or affectionate with me, then it would work.. but I can't do that. Not anymore.