n9688m Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Well it seems the possibilties are: (1) He is gay and has not revealed it to anyone, maybe not even to himself; OR (2) He has a medical problem which renders him not able to have sex; OR (3) He has a long-term girlfriend and has been incredibly good at keeping this secret from you (very unlikely by your description); OR (4) He is asexual (very unlikely but possible) Healthy heterosexual men don't abstain from sex when there is a willing partner easily available. So there has to be more to the story. Answers (1) or (2) or (4) could explain how/why you could have an amiable divorce - those situtions are far, far different from the usual divorce situation. And that said - if you don't plan on remarrying and he is a good father and you are friends, why not continue with a platonic marriage at least while the kids are still home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OneFootOut Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Well it seems the possibilties are: (1) He is gay and has not revealed it to anyone, maybe not even to himself; OR I have asked him twice over the last several weeks, and he has not responded one way or the other. If he is, I honestly don't think he realizes it, or wants to admit it to himself. (2) He has a medical problem which renders him not able to have sex; OR He is physically able, just psychologically unable. (3) He has a long-term girlfriend and has been incredibly good at keeping this secret from you (very unlikely by your description); OR Nope. (4) He is asexual (very unlikely but possible) He claims to be, or at least to relate to their thinking and way of life. Healthy heterosexual men don't abstain from sex when there is a willing partner easily available. So there has to be more to the story. Answers (1) or (2) or (4) could explain how/why you could have an amiable divorce - those situtions are far, far different from the usual divorce situation. And that said - if you don't plan on remarrying and he is a good father and you are friends, why not continue with a platonic marriage at least while the kids are still home? 1. Because he moved out. 2. Because he has became so untouchable, and 'removed', when he IS here, that it is a miserable existence. It's far more than the actual sex missing, he just draws up and sits alone when he's here, he won't interact much with the rest of us, and he seems to be angry at the world. 3. His presence here only reminds me of how unwanted and undesirable I am to him. 4. Like I have said before, it's easier to be lonely alone, than it is to be lonely with your mate right beside you. On a side note, the kids have been very happy and playful in the eves. Before he moved out, every single eve when he came home from work, they would be crying and whining within minutes, because he would stress them out and make them miserable. See #2 above. He didn't want them touching him, and they needed his attention. His impatience and intolerance made them miserable as well. He has NOTICED the change in them. It was a light-bulb moment for him, and he acknowledged and admitted that he had been the cause of their unhappiness. That was HUGE for him to see it with his own eyes and recognize the effect his attitude and behavior had been having on them. They really don't seem to mind when he leaves for his place. We have visited there and explained how lucky we are (as a family) to have 2 places to live now. They never cry for him, and they tell him good night and wave when he leaves. He is starting to be more tolerant of having them climb on him and needing his attention now, so that is at least one good thing that has came out of this so far. Link to post Share on other sites
urdone Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 After reading your full story, this is one of the rare cases that compassion is a relevant word. Possibly I'm/alot of us are so jaded I/we just expect the worst out of people. I hope your story has a happier ending then most. You deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 He has NOTICED the change in them. It was a light-bulb moment for him, and he acknowledged and admitted that he had been the cause of their unhappiness. That was HUGE for him to see it with his own eyes and recognize the effect his attitude and behavior had been having on them. I can't help but think that this is a situation which a good family counselor might resolve into a happy ending. It sounds like there is more here than can be resolved online of course but that beneath the problems both of you are willing to make this work. It surely seems fixable to me. And if the answer is that he is gay, then getting that into the open ought to go a long way toward figuring out a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 After reading your full story, this is one of the rare cases that compassion is a relevant word. Possibly I'm/alot of us are so jaded I/we just expect the worst out of people. I hope your story has a happier ending then most. You deserve it. I agree that maybe....maybe there should be compassion if someone is wracked with guilt. But not compassion to the point that the WS still needs to realize the hurt they caused. I see compassion too many times come off as coddling the cheater...and the cheater knows they got away with it and still have the BS wrapped around their finger. Compassion? maybe it is warranted in FEW cases, but too many times the WS gets off all too easy. In my case, my x-W didn't deserve one iota of compassion. She should have considered herself lucky to have a husband that babysat so she could have a good time and socialize with friends. And by my doing so, I was paid back with "compassion":rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Onefootout reading this.. I decided to respond. While old and hackneyed, I suppose it deserves repeating. You said, Your partner, or soon to be ex, is a human being dealing with his or her own issues. Why not take the high road and be as supportive as you can for each other? You both built the relationship, and you both had a hand in driving it into the ditch - whether or not you realize it or choose to admit it. You both invested part of your lives in it and each other. Why not respect and honor that by ending things together in a peaceful way and helping each other move on? Yes I am a man without compassion for my ex wife. I have been that way since 10 days after the "I need space" speach. 25 years of marriage, two adult children and she needed space. That nearly destroyed me. Fortunate for me that just ten days later the facade crumbled and "I need space to work on myself, to mature, to see if I can function on my own as an adult" turned into "I need space so my boyfriend/soulmate can copulate with me in private and we can stop spending money traveling and renting hotel rooms". After years of reading LS, and doing light research on the web, I can tell you with certainty the above is true in most cases. The day the above came to light the compassion left my heart. Reality struck my brain. No fault divorce came very quickly to to the laws of the state. Once the divorce was settled in 3 months, I helped her move into her new apartment. Her car broke down, I picked her up. Broke again and again I helped. Broke again, she stole the money out of my bank account to fix it. A few months later when I was out of town for a weekend, her boyfriend and her arrived with a truck and "modified" the property settlement signed off on by the judge. I was compassionate. I didn't have her arrested, and never saw the property again. Much of it personal, momento's, photo's etc. Completely irreplaceable. 25 years of marriage shot down the drain by a "loving & compassionate" 21 Century woman who needed space to find herself... ? Who threw who under the bus? Who deserved the compassion? Many years (8) have passed now and the contact between us is limited to contact concerning our adult children. I feel nothing for her now, not even contempt. Sadly I just don't care what happens to her anymore. Maybe in your Prince Charming, Neverland world you can afford compassion, and introspection. Maybe it fills an need in your heart and makes you feel good. So be it. Compassion cost many of us here an unbearable price. We aren't likely to reccoment compassion to others so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Maybe in your Prince Charming, Neverland world you can afford compassion, and introspection. Maybe it fills an need in your heart and makes you feel good. So be it. Compassion cost many of us here an unbearable price. We aren't likely to reccoment compassion to others so quickly. I agree. And I think what is lost here is that the anger in my case (and many others) is not at what my STBXW did to me but rather what she did to our children. I can get a new spouse and live happily ever after. But our children have had the happiest part of their lives stolen from them. There is no compassion for doing that. Indeed, there is not even forgiveness for such a sin. As for the original poster, I think she has not yet accepted the reality of the situation. Sure it seems compassionate when Dad comes over and plays several times a week with the kids and they are together as a family - that's because the divorce is not yet real. But mom and dad have every right to get new partners and new children - and then it won't be so realistic to be a great big happy family any more. Also the original poster has not been served with a request for child support or alimony as is the case with so many of us men, nor has her ex tried to take her kids away from her. I wonder if she would be nearly as "compassionate" if her ex tried to take 50% or more of her takehome pay or if her ex wanted to have the kids for overnights all the time except for occasional weekends. In short - she is in an interim period now where they can have their cake and eat it too. But that won't last - reality will hit. The two inevitable consequences of divorce are (1) Life gets a lot tougher for the kids; and (2) There is a substantial drop in economic lifestyle for at least one spouse and maybe both. Of course those factors will feed anger and resentment. Those are not ingredients to create "compassion." Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Compassion.. hmm well your case is more unique than most we run into here. More often than not there is someone else, there is an ongoing or imminent affair be it emotional, physical or both. Usually the one who leaves treats the one being left pretty badly, pushing them down to raise themselves up. Incredible amounts of deception go on for months before during and after the initial separation.. it's the lying that killed me... the fact that I was at a point for a while where I doubted my reality... and wondering just how far back it went. My story is not at all unique either. So compassion for my ex? I had some, just enough to realize that her upbringing, childhood and who knows what else made it impossible for her to be true to me in words and/or deeds. We all have issues to deal with in life, soime bigger than others. Still no excuse for poor treatment and especially betrayal. I don't hate her, mostly I barely care anymore... except during those rare moments. Link to post Share on other sites
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