we've been getting along real well lately, why does it seem so weird?

[zingy again]

well i've been doing the counseling thingy now for about a month or so, maybe longer, and she gave me these tapes about being in the "now" "presence" etc.

 

i am learning to live in the now rather then the future and or the past. the ego from what i gather has no idenity when it lives in the now, so it likes to keep you in the future and present and that keeps you stuck in your life drama.

 

so i try to keep myself in the now, and my unconsciousness is slowly disapating and i am becoming more and more present in the moment and in doing so i am finding things more strange!

 

i literally told my boyfriend last week via email that he needs to stop with his anger/temper/hurtful words, or i am leaving him!

 

since then he has literally been an angel! all last week and this weekend he has done such a wonderful job of being nice, and less stressed.

 

i just hope he is not becoming a walking time bomb! well yesterday he was a little moody, and i think he noticed it and how it had put a strain between us, something that had not been there all week and i know he could feel the difference too and liked it.

 

so it was back to my old feelings and the ole ego quickly took over again and i started my fantasizing again about leaving him!

 

you cannot have these fantasies about leaving someone whilst you are living in the now, it is impossible.

 

but the ego can keep pulling you back to the future or present, and it is a constant struggle but well worth it, so far.

 

so yesterday i spent the better part of a few hours re-living all the reasons /past/future why i should leave and doing my little "leaving him fantasy".

 

i started to hurt real bad from it though and i tried to stop it. i realized how i was not liking those feelings of leaving, fantasy or otherwise...so that was totally weird in it's self.

 

then i had the weirdest feeling of anger and frustration pelt through my whole body!!

 

anger and frustration at what though i just don't know!!! i know it was because if he changes and becomes someone who can now control his stress and anger and moods, then i cannot indulge in my fantasies without guilty feelings now.

 

i cannot indulge in leaving him when he is not worthy of leaving....he is being so good, so i cannot leave over a little spat now, let alone even indulge in leaving him like i did yesterday without feeling guilty, and that is what made me feel angry and frustrated.

 

shortly after i had started the fantasy, i felt so hurt in my heart because i knew/know how hard he is trying.

 

then he had also asked me where this little pamplet was i had that had all these listings of counselors and what they specialize in, and that he wanted to look at it again, the one's that do stress management.

 

so i know he is now ready for that, or we may go together to the deacon of the church for counseling together.

 

my problem is i am having a hard time dealing with this. i am just so use to having all the good fun stress and drama in my life that without it, i don't know how to act or what to do now.

 

yesterday too, i realized to myself, that my life is absolutely going no where! i have my little delivery job i do twice a week for three hours each and i do house cleaning for people when they need me, but other then that i have nothing going on in my life, and nothing to really look forward to to do.

 

living in the present/now, has been an awakening for me...it helps to keep time away as well, because you are just being in the moment and bringing true consciousness into your life, and you can't really think about much in that state when you need to, it comes in even stronger then before with more that you realize about yourself and your life.

 

so that it is in a nutshell for now.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: " cannot indulge in leaving him when he is not worthy of leaving....he is being so good, so i cannot leave over a little spat now, let alone even indulge in leaving him like i did yesterday without feeling guilty, and that is what made me feel angry and frustrated."

 

If you're wanting to leave him, for whatever reason you have, don't just hang around becuase he's being nice. Anybody is worthy of leaving. If you don't love somebody or if you deem them not right for you, you have an obligation to yourself to terminate the relationship.

 

I think you're making a lot out of nothing. Fact is that he is obviously working to make himself a better person. But it may be too little too late. Don't pulverize your brain analyzing all this. Go straight to your heart and ask if this is the man you want to be devoted to. If he is, great. If not move on. Don't make it more complicated than it is.

 

Right now, you're screwing your mind to hell analyzing a lot of things that are irrelevant. The only thing that is relevant is what you want to do in your heart...what you feel is right for your life. Everything else is garbage.

 

Another part of your problem is that you don't feel you have much of a life. The only excitement you apparently had before was the unsettled and chaotic nature of your relationship. You may have come from a family that was highly dysfunctional and where there was constant chaos and that's what you're used to. If this is your problem, you have a lot of work to do with yourself. Reading and counselling is in order.

 

If you're going to go the spiritual route and live in the present, "the eternal now" as the Buddhists have been teaching for centuries, then you'll have to get used to peace and tranquility...things most people on this earth strive to attain. Right now you just aren't used to a peaceful, settled atmosphere and that's why you are experiencing uneasiness.

 

First, sort out your feelings for your guy and get that resolved. Then find some nice hobbies, read some good books, take up some sporting activities and STOP looking for meaning in life through arguments, chaos, friction in personal relationships, etc. Looking for meaning in life through consternation is kind of crazy...nothing personal intended.

[befuddled1]

Everybody gets moody from time to time, we are all human beings. Are you expecting him to be perfect? I'm sure you're not perfect. Nobody is, or can be.

 

Sounds to me like you're overanalyzing and obsessing about all of this. A relationship has got to consist of more than just analyzing every action and word.

 

Do you have a life outside of this relationship, or is the focus of your life this relationship?

 

Do you have a social life outside of your relationship, where you have good friends, where you have interests and hobbies and things that are important to you (service groups, volunteering, getting involved in your community)? It's impossible to be healthy in a relationship, or have a healthy relationship, if your sole focus is on your partner and what they do and what they say and analyzing it to death.

 

So again, do you have a well balanced life outside of this relationship? If not, why not?

[cindy0039]

It seems to me like you're used to using him as the scapegoat, someone or something to focus on. And when he's being good, you have to focus on yourself, which you don't like doing.

[zingy again]

i know that i love him in my heart, why else would it hurt so much when in the past i have thought about leaving and came ohhhhh soooooo close so many times, but the only thing that stopped me was the crushing pain in my heart and never mind the voice in my head.

 

the voice of sanity or insanity, who knows? either way i do know that i love him, and because i do love him i choose to stay with him now and fight this stupid mess that i feel is alot of the cause of our problems.

 

i am learning alot in counseling yet i have not figgered out why on earth the closer i get to seeing things realisticly the worse i am feeling inside with more panic, almost like someone in me is kicking and screaming through this whole transformation process, and THAT is why i am trying to say that i am having the hardest time dealing with!!!