Confused by girl.. with a boyfriend.

[PG]

Hi everyone,

 

In the last few months, I've been getting to know a woman at work a little better, and I think I've fallen for her. I'm a fairly good-looking guy, perhaps a little shy, but I get on incredibly well with her.

 

Between us, we've certainly been making the moves to becomming good friends rather than just workmates, but I wonder if she wants more than that. The first step to becomming friends were a couple of notes I scribbled to her - one about nothing much, and another about how she could set up something on her computer. In it, I gave her my cellular and home phone numbers, and she sent a short message to my cellular phone, thanking me. We exchanged a few such messages, and then it progressed into having a few brief conversations on the telephone. One day, I mentioned I was about to take the dog out for a walk, and she asked if she might join me. She did, and we talked and walked, and that was all. One day the following week, I asked her if she was doing anything - she wasn't, so we spent the day together, just talking about everything and anything, before finally catching a movie. The following day, I met her for a drink, and again, we talked for a couple of hours.

 

Since then, I haven't really seen her outside of work. I often get short messages from her, each of which she signs "lots of love", or "Sarah xxxxx", and one last week she signed "all my love". I don't want to read too much into that, but it would seem we genuinely are getting on very well. The problem? Well, she has a boyfriend - a guy who I don't know too much about, but I do know that when someone told me they were engaged and I asked her, she was quick to deny it. However, she mentions him pretty freely in conversation, and I've met him (he's also a colleague) and he seems a genuinely nice guy.

 

So I'm a little confused what to do next. I'd love to be able to tell her how I feel, but I worry that it will affect the friendship we have. So I wonder if I keep doing things the same as we have been, and perhaps, if its meant to, it will progress into something more.

 

Any advice or insight would be most welcome,

 

PG.

[Tony T]

It sounds as if she is a pretty free spirit and enjoys her friendship with you considerably. If she were interested in you romantically at this time, she would not mention her boyfriend so freely in conversation.

 

There is the possiblity that she doesn't get everything she needs from her boyfriend...or perhaps they are talked out and she needs you for a companion for newness and conversational stimulation.

 

You can get this resolved very quickly by telling her you think you are developing feelings for her. By her reaction, you will know where her head is. If she is interested in you, you need to find that out now.

 

I really think it is advisable no matter what her feelings are, considering you work with both her and the guy she is dating, you should consider her OFF LIMITS for anything more than a friendship. There are just too many nice ladies in the world to screw up your workplace with love-type drama that could interfere with your career.

 

If you don't get this situation defined quickly, you could end up feeling very used at some point when she either does get engaged and the frequency of your "friendly" encounters with her diminish radically as she needs more time for HIM or when she finds someone else who surpasses her current boyfriend in her eyes.

 

Right now, I think she really likes you as a friend and, while not realizing it, is using you as a refreshing diversion from what may be a stale relationship with her very nice, as you say, boyfriend. You also need to pay close attention to others who say she is engaged. They aren't saying that for no reason at all.

 

So get this straight with her as soon as possible. There is no other route.

[Nina]

Hi,

 

I'm a woman, i've been engaged for a while and have been with my fiance for some time. I actually had the same sort of thing happen to me, but I was in the woman's position.

 

See, I'm a naturally very affectionate adn enthusiastic person. I hug all my friends, not just the one-armed thing, but both arms. I also kiss my good friends on the cheek, male or female. I had a great friend who I was very close to, a guy, who I liked to talk to. We would hang out and make dinner together, especially before I became engaged and started spending more time with my fiance.

 

A few months ago, he announced to me one evening that he was falling in love with me. I was shocked. I talk about my boyfriend often, casually, and I haven't ever thought I gave him those signals. Needless to say, things became painful for both of us after that and he later moved to another city. I feel awful, and now I'm much less affectionate with my male friends because I'm afraid of the same thing happening.

 

Soooo, she could be naturally affectionate. If she mentions her boyfriend often, then she probably isn't romantically interested in you. I've often signed my emails ot friends with "much love," or "love you lots," so that isn't really an indication of any serious impulses.

[PG]

Hi Nina,

 

Thanks for the insight. I decided to bite the bullet and tell her how I felt, as I was advised to do.

 

I did it in rather a strange way, however - I wanted to clear the air, but somehow convinced myself that she wouldn't feel the same way, and she was much like you describe yourself. I thought it would be best for us both if we were both just friends, so I told her that a friend had suggested that I wanted something more, and I thought that I should dismiss this. I told her that I thought she WAS attractive, funny and sweet, but it wasn't the right time for me, so I really wasn't interested.

 

Afterwards, though, I began thinking that saying such a thing wasn't really fair to either of us. So I sent her a message telling her why I'd said it, telling her that I really did want to be more than just friends, but my confession of my feelings didn't actually change anything between us, at least until she felt the same way.

 

The following day, she called me and asked if I felt like a walk. I picked her up, and we walked round the park, just talking very comfortably as usual. When I dropped her back home, she asked me in, and we sat drinking coffee talking again. I've seen her since, and again, it felt very comfortable. Little signs, like her leaning into me, touching me, jokingly smelling my neck.. sure, these could all be things just a friend would do, but not a friend who'd been told by another friend that he thought he was falling for her, surely?

 

I guess I just have to wait and see...

 

PG