MotherGooze Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I'd like to share my story. Well, it's not really a desease. It's not random, is controllable and not a biological condition. I've had it, and believe me it's very difficult to handle, especially because you cause it yourself, but still feel powerless about it. A couple of months ago I was under a lot of emotional and psychological stress. I had a relationship break up, my studies went all wrong, and I had a big financial crisis. It was so much for me that in the end i took an overdosse of painkillers to get rid of the pain and fears. But yeah that didn't help of course. But still something good came out of it. After the pills, I realised what I was doing. I let fear be my master for years and years, up to where I had some schizofrenic attacks whenever the fear was too big for me to handle. I started to see things that weren't there, as it was the only way to escape the reality I was in. At an early phase of this disorder I was pretty stressed out, anti social and very negative. i didn't feel like doing new things in my life and had to be reassured of all things around me over and over again. I was also overconcerned about everything. My health also played a major rol in it, as I felt ill all the time. I was ill at the time, but the fears made it look a lot worse then it actually was. When the fear started to get more mildly into my head, I started to be even more negative and pushing people away from me. I projected my fears and stress upon others. Then finally when the fears took over the symptoms also took over. I was stressed and scared every second of the day. I felt like I was very ill, in body and in mind. It interfered with everything in my daily life. Cooking school, and especially my relationship. I felt like danger and disaster was just around the corner. I had trouble concentrating, very irritable and feeling like my mind was gonna go blank. Even my body was aching. My muscles were tense all the time, I was tired, a day didn't go by that I didn't have any headaches, sometimes I felt like my heart was gonna pund out of my chest and I had troubles with hyperventilation. I lost control of everything, mentally and fysically. After the overdose I sounded my alarm bell and went to a psychiatrist. I had enough of it. She told me to get on medication for a very short time, just to overcome the first obstacles. I felt better after a week or so. Then with the right therapy and self enhancement I could overcome my fears. I started to go work out, writing short stories, and getting my financial status in order. After that everything went very smooth. But believe me those weeks were very hard for me. Not letting in the fears and fighting them off was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. But knowing now that I can, makes me feel like a very strong person. Even though I still regret the fact that my fears ruined my relationship and I feel guilty for hurting my ex partner, I feel like I have the power to move on and finally make something decent of my life. Thank you for reading, I really felt like sharing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Thanks for sharing your story MG. I have a ton of admiration for you for facing your fears and getting past this. I myself have been to H*** and back with panic disorder with a little OCD mixed in. I know how much a disorder can affect ones daily life as I have lived through it. The good news is there is always hope. With the proper guidance and support.. things can improve.. at least that's what I have found. Best of luck to you. Try to remember to take it one day at a time.. it helps Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 glad to hear you got through it, what were your fears exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MotherGooze Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 glad to hear you got through it, what were your fears exactly? I had all kinds of fears. Fear of losing people, commitment, letting go, wasting my life, not being a good mom for my son, failing school, letting down people, letting down myself, fear of getting hurt, fear of trusting people, fear of not being good enough for anything,... You name it Link to post Share on other sites
Author MotherGooze Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 You say that you pushed people away - do you actually convince yourself that they aren't important? What should that person do? Can they do anything to get through or not? Hope you don't mind me asking these questions. Well i'm not sure if it's the same for every person, but I pushed people away because I was scared. Scared of hurting them, and scared of getting hurt myself. I never thought that they weren't important...I saw myself as not important enough to have them in my life. It was some sort of self defense mechanism that started and I couldn't stop it. The only advice I can give is to walk away, until this person is healed. Doesn't mean you have to dissapear completely, but back off a little, because I think he'll need it. I know how painful this sounds, but in one way or another I'm glad my ex walked away at the time. I was so ununstable emotionally and mentally, I really couldn't have a relationship. I took hard work to get back on my feet, and I think it's the same for everyone. Even though I'm glad he walked away, i still hope one day he'll realise how i've changed and that he'll come back...but I'm trying to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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