pinkberry Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 So last week a guy friend of mine, "Ted", asked me out for coffee because he need my advice on something. Brief background: Ted has been with his girlfriend, "Julie", for two years, but lately the two of them have been having problems. So anyway, Ted is friends with an ex from my recent past, which is how I know him and Julie. I'm still friends with the ex. We only dated for about 5 months. Anyway, the purpose of Ted wanting to meet with me was to tell me he was thinking of leaving Julie. Having ended a long-term relationship myself last summer, he figured I'd be a good confidante. So he talked and I listened and offered my input where needed and basically said if you feel it's over, then it's your decision to end it, but if you feel you can work on it and save it, then do whatever it takes. He then began to tell me about this "friend" of his and Julie's that he's been harbouring feelings for the past 4 months or so, and that if he were to leave Julie, he'd want to pursue a relationship with this "friend". I asked how good a friend this person was to Julie, and he said it was one of her really good friends. At this point I was already assuming it was me, and while flattered, I began to feel very uncomfortable. He later confessed that it IS me, and started pouring his heart out to me. Since last week, he's been calling me and texting me and wanting to hang out with me. He broke it off with Julie on Friday, but the messed up part is that they're still living together. So now he's like, "See! I'm single! Let's get together!" and I'm like, uh, NO YOU'RE NOT! You're still living with your "ex"! I've told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. Yes, I do feel a connection with him, but the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable it makes me feel. I couldn't live with myself if I were to even THINK about pursuing a relationship with him because my allegiance lies with Julie, first and foremost. He's almost trying to make me feel "guilty" now by telling me things like I'm not being true to myself and "this could be the best thing ever". He fails to see that what he's doing is WRONG. He even told Julie up front he has feelings for me and somehow thinks that I will be more inclined to spend time with him now that she knows this? This made me want to stay away COMPLETELY. I talked to her about it and told her I've got NO interest in getting into the middle of what they're going through and that I don't feel comfortable meeting him. She must be so disillusioned right now because she said, "Well, you two ARE friends and allowed to hang out." I'm like, HONEY, he's told you up front he wants to be MORE than just my friend, and this doesn't bother you because??? So now I'm ignoring his texts and phone calls because I just can't handle it. I have to live with myself at the end of the day. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 He is way out of line. What speaks volumes here is that he actually thinks he can manipulate reality, relationships, feelings, and other people to his benefit...and that no one should have a problem with that. Ick. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 pinkberry - you are so right to steer clear of this guy. You need to tell him, absolutely outright, that this thing between you is SO NOT going to happen, and that he has to get all thought of that out of his mind. He has more pressing and urgent things to consider, and you do not want to know. He's doing it to her....? Shack up with him - and a few years down the line, watch him do it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkberry Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 And you know what? They both once told me that Ted had a girlfriend when they first got together, but he and Julie had an "emotional" affair before he broke it off with the previous girl. So it's a pattern! The part that scares me is he's already designated me as his future wife and he JUST broke up with Julie. He even told me he "can't stand the thought of being alone". Hello? I'm alone and I'm doing just fine, thank you very much! That speaks volumes to me as well. It's a red flag to me when someone "needs" someone else and can't fathom being alone and single for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
voldigicam Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Living in a distorted and bizarre reality. Happens to lots of us. Playing into that reality will drive anyone else nuts! Interesting from the outside, though. I would think a heartfelt "You're nuts, and here's why I think so, and if you don't leave me alone I'll get a TRO, and you should get some ****ing help" letter (not email) might be a wakeup. Or might not. Certainly getting involved would probably be an unusual and memorable ride best not taken!!! In my life, I'm all full on crazy friends. No room any now or in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Pinkberry, you sounds like a sane, rational person who doesn't want to be any part of this drama train! It's sad that your friend(s) are doing this to you and you might some friendships, but they are acting immaturely and without logic. I agree that you should have a sit down, "this is the deal" talk. Be serious and clear with your intentions. How old are you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 OP, questions: How tight have you and Julie become in 5 months? Does she tell you a lot of stuff about her R with Ted? Are you all in college? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinkberry Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 OP, questions: How tight have you and Julie become in 5 months? Does she tell you a lot of stuff about her R with Ted? Are you all in college? Julie and I have become good friends and yes, she has confided in me regarding her relationship with Ted. Sadly, no, we are not college age. I'm 27, he's 29 and she's 24. On Friday, I told him very clearly to leave me alone, and so far he has. Link to post Share on other sites
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