My wife and I are seperating.....I would like a ladies insight on how to win her back

[johnb]

Hi, my name's John and this is my first post to the board. I'm hoping there's a lady out there today who can give me a woman's point of view on my situation. Here's a short version of what my wife and I are going through.

My wife Lynn and I have been together for 6 years+ now, married for 2. We have a beautiful

2 yr. old daughter and I have tow children from a previous marriage that I have shared custody of. For the first 4.5 years things were just fine with Lynn and I. We had our minor ups and downs, but most of the time we were happy in love. The birth of our daughter brought a change to our relationship. After my wife gave birth, she experienced a long lasting postpartum depression. I didn't support her as much as I should have and with the coming of my two children for the summer closing in, I hurried her into trying to get over it. That is where things began to go sour. I have never been a good communicator or listener and my wife places alot of value on friends and family who can listen. Lynn has always been

the giver and she continued to stand by me and tolerate my lack of communication. Through

our frustration, we began to lead seperate lives, not seeking one another for support and friendship. Then we made the move into a house an hour from where we lived to a town in which we knew noone. This spread us even further apart. I became very selfish and gave very little attention to my family other than my daughter. My wife did the same to me also, and began to go back to the town we moved from to seek the support she wasn't getting from me from her friends there. Lynn tried to give me red flags and talk things out, but I was

blind to it, and didn't try to work with her. Going on two years of this mess, Lynn finally told me that she wanted a seperation, to get away and think about things and get her space. This cry out from my wife finally woke me up. It's as if I have been asleep for two years and didn't see this coming. I freaked out and didn't sleep for 4 days, and became real suspicious of her comings and goings, late night phonecalls etc. I had a hunch that there was someone

else. I still don't know if that is just a paranoia or if there could be. She says that there isn't

and so I have let it go. Things have began to calm down but she is still planning to move out

in a couple of weeks. I have done alot of looking in the mirror and I can now see the error of my ways. I want to win her back, and I have began to make changes in my life to work toward this. I think maybe I have been trying to change too much, too fast and my wife is not believing or trusting me a that I am sincere. At this point all she wants is Legal seperation, not divorce and to just be friends, that's all she can offer right now with no gaurantees of the future. I am hurting real bad and it is difficult to try and just be a friend to someone I love so much. I never quit loving her over the last two years, and I believe that she loves me too, but is unable to feel that right now because I have closed her spirit. I want so bad to change for her, but she wants me to change for me, not her. I agree with her that I need to change, and have made appt. with a christian counselor to help me work on my end. It is difficult because I am mostly doing this for her and our daughter and my kids, and it is hard to think that all my efforts and change may not bring her back. We both have wrongs to work on, and I just have to worry about my problems that need fixing and not hers right now, but I want us both to go to counseling together because for it to work, we need it. At this point that is out of the question for my wife. Where do I begin? How do I

win her back? Ladies, what will it take for me to do this. My wife has revealed to me that she

wanted me to give her financial security, support, listening ear, love, and value her. I have not been the husband she imagined me to be. There was never any verbal, or physical abuse, drugs or drinking. We just pushed each other away, starting with my selfishness. I need some advice, good counsel. How can I get her trust back? How can I stir up that love that is down deep inside her? Thanks for any input-

John

[kclay21]

Im not a woman, but this is all too familiar to me...

 

The best thing you can do RIGHT now is to give her what she needs. Give her the space and time to think about things, and let her decide what she wants. At this point, nothing you can do or say will bring her back. Don't think this was an overnight decision. The hurt was there long before she decided for separation. This is out of your control.

 

My advice for you is something I didnt do personallly, but looking back: Save yourself some dignity and sanity early on, and respect what she is asking for. The decision is hers to make. Right now, continue to seek counseling for yourself. If you really feel like you are seeking counseling for all the wrong reasons don't do it. She is right...you need to get yourself together. If not for her, but for you and your children.

 

Que sera, sera! If it is...it will be.

 

 

kclay

[johnb]

thanks for the input kc, I guess because it was an overnight wakeup for me, it's hard for me to see that it wasn't overnight for her. It's frustrating that Lynn won't give me another chance before she goes even though I know I don't deserve it right now. I feel like we haven't tried everything to prevent this, the truth is She has, I haven't. Man the truth hurts sometimes. She says not to beat myself up and that she's not going to make any permanent

decisions right now, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I am hurting real bad right now and it's real hard not to make light of that even though I know that I have to focus on her pain, not mine. If I could go back.........I am so afraid that she'll come back and then I'll fall back into my ways again of not fulfilling my duty as a husband and love her the way she needs, driving her away for good. The thought of being single again scares me to death. I want to live with her the rest of my life, and I just can't believe I let this happen. Sorry for the rant.....I guess it just helps me to talk about it. Thanks for listening.

john

[Lurker]

Will she go to marriage counseling with you? If so, sieze the opportunity. For the two of you to live as you described for two years suggests that you have some issues that may go beyond what your wife has presented. Regardless, I think this would help you to understand each other and yourselves and see whether you can put your marriage back together.

 

Good luck.

[kclay21]

John,

Continue the counseling. It may identify the things in you that make you complacent in a relationship.

You stated that you are afraid of doing it again if she comes back. Even more so to get yourself together, and work on being a better husband.

 

Take this time for yourself to grieve (like you have anything to do with it! ), to reflect on your relationship, and to learn from it. If you really put forth the effort and she means much to you, you will accomplish what you seek. The first thing is that you have to learn to accept the responsibility of what you did, and then work on preventing those things from ever happening again. All this comes from within you. Instead of focusing on how much you hurt after she left, try to understand how much she hurt while still in the relationship before finally leaving. It is a hard pill to swallow, but you must do that.

 

I remember the first day I signed on to this forum looking for that magic post to get my woman back. Reality showed me there is nothing. What this forum did teach me was that I need to be independent, in control, willing to change, and patient.

 

I hope you find these answers also...

 

 

kclay

[johnb]

thanks kc. i guess i am looking for a magic pill to cure this situation. the fact that it may take a long time is hard to swallow and being patient is going to be hard. i have heard that being

apart can make the heart grow fonder....i'm hoping that with my change, her heart will turn.

i know one thing for sure, i will most definitely grow fonder of her. i already appreciate her more than i ever have, and she's not even moving out until the 17th. i am glad i found this forum. thanks again

john

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Postpartum depression and its fallout can linger for years. It is essential that she get evaluated and have treatment in case lingering depression is aggravating your problems.

 

It seems the usual Loveshack advice is to "Dump 'em!", but from what you've said, it seems there is plenty of good stuff to salvage - there's no hatred or abuse or unfaithfulness, just depression and isolation. These are HIGHLY TREATABLE problems! The payoff would be high - a happy family life for five human beings.

 

The one caution I have is that there are a lot of not-so-good counselors out there. I recommend you find a counselor trained by the Gottman Institute, which means they are working from actual research results, not somebody's theory of what makes a marriage work. Also try <URL removed> - great advice, also tested and effective.

 

About the other man...who can tell, but based on what you've said, I doubt it. She sounds sad and lonely, not guilty, so if I were you, I would put this drum back in the closet and never beat it again.

 

Good luck!

[Kay]

I'm very sorry for your pain, John. Believe me, I have been (and still am) in your shoes with my husband in a similar way. The best advice I can give to you is to find a therapist for yourself and hopefully one for both of you together, but if she is not willing, you need to go yourself. That panicked feeling? Blaming oneself? Unable to think, concentrate, eat? Consumed by the "if only's, I should have, why didn't I's?" I know how it feels and for me, it was like I was having the worst possible nightmare that you can't awaken from.

 

 

Therapy helped me to understand these feelings, but also those of my husband. As an earlier post said, your wife most likely came to the conclusion to leave a long time ago; or at least felt unhappy for a longer time than you knew. Please stop beating yourself up over something for which you have no control.

 

 

Give your wife space. Tell her as calmly as possible that you know that she is unhappy, that you want to support her and that, while you still love her, you know that you can't force her to return those feelings. She is probably very scared and unsure of what she really wants to do but seeing you in a different light (supportive, calm, sincere and always there, but not pushing her or giving her ultimatums) might make her realize your true feelings. Do NOT enable her to move out by throwing in the towel, even if in anger or extreme frustration and hurt. This is a critical time for your relationship. Crying, begging, pleading, shouting only gives her more reason (in her mind) to move away from you.

 

 

Does this make sense? Ultimately, it will be her decision but there's no reason for you to help her do something (like leaving) that you don't want her to do. I'm not saying "be a wuss." Just present a dignified, supportive face and then concentrate on YOU. Start doing things by yourself that you enjoy, but maybe haven't done in a long time. Start an exercise routine, join a league of some sort. This really helped me (took golf lessons and play in a tennis league) find an outlet for all the pent up hurt, anger, sadness and frustration in a healthy way.

 

 

I hope some of this is helpful to you. Please know that I care.

 

Kay

[hurtinrealbad]

I can certainly relate John. It was like reading my own story that I'm in right now. My wife is leaving on January 1st and moving out with our 4 year old son. The sad thing about all of this is that I drove her to leave me and I didn't even know I was doing it. Unlike you, I did and still do have a problem with alcohol. I am a recovering alcoholic and I also had a short drug problem which was the last straw for my wife. When I was doing those things, I became the most selfish, irrational, hateful, mean and odious person in the world. I verbally abused her by telling her to get out and I didn't love her when I was in that state. Parallel with her dwindling love for me was my downward spiral into drinking and drugs. I was diagnosed with Type I Bipolar Disorder and everything just came crashing down on me. I didn't know how to handle anything, including myself.

 

On November 2, 2003 I had my last drink and drug. I began seeking out help by going to AA meetings and by seeing a counselor. From that day on, my head became clearer and clearer. Emotions and feelings I didn't know I had came pouring out, most all of which were for my wife. These feelings of love, affection, the desire to hold her hand and do the things that two people are supposed to do when they're in love were so powerful and so overwhelming I couldn't sleep, eat, concentrate or do anything except write, talk and cry. I know I hurt her very, very bad and I'm amazed that she just didn't file for divorce and leave me with nothing. The fact that she said she wants to be alone for a while to see what she wants and to see how she feels about me gives me some hope that she might come back to me. She has also agreed to go to marriage counseling with me, starting tomorrow which again, gives me hope that she may come back to me.

 

I know the pain you are feeling. I know the sick and burning feeling you get in your stomach, the anxiety, the headaches, the worrying, the crying, the guilt... The guilt that I carry around with me everyday is so immense that it literally breaks me down some days and I am left as a sobing and remorseful little man. I have told my wife how sorry I am about everything and she says that she forgives me, but that is hard for me to believe. I guess it's hard because I think that if the situation were reversed, I would never have stuck around and I would have left her in a heartbeat. The fact that she tells me she's confused about how she feels about me is actually a good sign because it could mean that, although angry and hurt, those feelings are not completely overpowering any feelings of affection and/or love that she may have for me, thus the confusion. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

 

When I look back over the last 4 years, I can very clearly see now what I was so blinded by then. I can see where I really screwed up, where I could have fixed things, and now where this will be my last chance if and only if she does come back to me. This is a time for me to do a lot of reflecting on myself and a lot of soul-searching. I know what you mean by trying to get things back too fast, because that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I have asked her to give me another chance, but I'm putting a lot of pressure on her by making her feel like she has to come bck now or else it's over. I am in no position to be calling the shots right now, I am only in a position to state what I would like to happen and not what I want to happen. I should have done and felt things then instead of just figuring it out now.

 

I think the alcohol, drugs and my illness contributed to blinding me from the feelings and emotions that I had for her. Now that I know this, it's all the more reason for me to be strong and to not go back to that lifestyle. Its' also a time for me to really see where I went wrong in everything I did wrong in our marriage. I deprived her of the love, affection, respect, dignity, and encouragement that she yearned for. So many times she tried to tell me, but I just got upset and blew her off. So many times she tried to tell me I had a drinking problem, and what did I do? I kept on drinking harder. Right now, I have a lot of respect for her simply because she had the courage to keep going on with me even when I continually did these things. I know she needs time away from me, but I don't want her to go. When I see her now, it is so very painful for me because she is so distant and so hurt and so confused, all because of me. That pain is so intense that it doesn't leave me no matter what I try to do to forget about it.

 

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, especially the women, I am all ears.

[SoleMate]

Comments for hurtinrealbad -

 

I'm sorry about your suffering. Mental disorders likie bipolar and depression ruin many, many lives in this world, and the extent of the problem is just beginning to be acknowledged. Your brain chemistry led you astray, and of course, self-medicating with ethanol only makes it worse. I hope you are getting appropriate meds. Is there a (tiny) good side, perhaps? Your wife stuck with you for a heck of a long time, and she was suffering just as much as you. You had years of love and support from her. Whatever happens, you have that memory and hope.

 

It's a common pattern that women will take a fair bit of stuff in a relationship that no one should take, so when they finally do get fed up and leave, it's not a spur of the moment whim that can be reversed. It's a discontent that has been brewing seriously for 2-3 years.

 

For OTHER men reading this, if you have a wife you don't want to lose, don't drive her to the end of her rope and keep her dangling there for years. When she talks, listen. When she asks, answer. When you make a promise, keep it.

 

For johnb: Is your wife getting treated? That's job 1. Then comes http://www.marriagebuilders.com, marital counseling, and renewing love and joy in your relationship.

 

Oh, yeah, both of you...forget the pressure and ultimatums. IF you get her back, it'll be by coaxing her with love, security, trust, happiness, pleasure, warmth and familiarity. Like you'd coax a little sparrow to your hand with breadcrumbs.

[hurtinrealbad]

Thanks SoleMate, these are all things that I now see and hopefully I haven't seen them too late, but if I do, at least I will not make the same mistake again if and when I get into another relationship. If I had to guess, I would say that your profession has something to do with this subject, especially because of the use of the phrase "self-medicating", but I could be wrong.