Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Me and my boyfriend has been together about 7 months. It's been going great, I live about 5 mins drive away from him and he lives in a house with other 3 guys. I've been to his place quite often and his roommates know me well. I get along with them pretty well. This week one of my boyfriend's roommates is moving out, and another roommates found some random girl on Craigslist and given the short period of time to find a replacement of the current roommate they don't have other options and want to offer her to move in. This roommate knows that I wouldn't be happy with another girl moving in to my boyfriend's house but he kept saying that it's because that they don't have enough time and won't keep looking. I also see that it's hard for my boyfriend to please both me and his roommates. What should I do? I just feel weired that my boyfriend will be living with another woman as we are already talking about moving in some time in the future.... I feel so frustrated!! We will know by tonight if the girl will get the offer to move in. Anyone had the similar experience and would like to share some advices on how to handle this? (I know I'll be unhappy and bugging my boyfriend about it if the girl moves in which will drain out relationship so I really want to find a solution for this...)Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 What exactly are you afraid of? that your boyfriend will slip, fall and land in her vagina? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I lived with 3 guys while in school... I didn't shag any of them. My ex moved into an apartment and became room mates with a female. We broke up not so long after as he started sleeping with her. You can't change anything about this. You either trust your bf or you don't. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat...either at home or at work or wherever. You either trust him, or you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I trust him but I don't know him long and well enough to know the effect of another woman living with him after days and nights and maybe a few after-shower moments or flirting or beer pong games and the whole drama thing. I love him very much and vice versa. I know I can be insecure and paranoid at some times but I want to keep him and I don't want to lose him. I get really jealous sometimes and the emotion is killing me. I have decided to be confident and strong in our relationship but this whole accident is making me very insecure again. I searched the "female roommates" articles on this website and it's all terrible stories (i know i know that if ppl have no problems they wouldn't be coming here to complain...). Anyways...How can I have a peaceful mind? And why you think that what you say is not possible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Sorry to hear that.... I also agree that it depends on the female who's going to move in with the guys. I don't get to be with my boyfriend a lot because of conflicts of my work schedule and his study schedule. I can't stand the idea that another woman is going to be at presence so much of his personal life (maybe even more than me). This is killing me....especially now she's going to be the first person who "lives in" with my boyfriend before our "living-in" plan...(i know that sounds funny...and I can be an idiot to be too jealous to push him away, that's why I don't want to complain to him too much...) I also know that it's either I trust him or not. But it's so difficult to deal with my own emotions. Sometimes I wish I could be a stone with no emotions at all and things would be much better. I lived with 3 guys while in school... I didn't shag any of them. My ex moved into an apartment and became room mates with a female. We broke up not so long after as he started sleeping with her. You can't change anything about this. You either trust your bf or you don't. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat...either at home or at work or wherever. You either trust him, or you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Should I suggest him moving out of the house? I am feeling this is too much to ask him and I'm being a total nut. But I moved out of my original apartment because I wanted to live closer to him and that he didn't like the location of my old apartment... Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I lived with 3 guys while in school... I didn't shag any of them. My ex moved into an apartment and became room mates with a female. We broke up not so long after as he started sleeping with her. You can't change anything about this. You either trust your bf or you don't. If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat...either at home or at work or wherever. You either trust him, or you don't. Pay attention to what she said, if he is a cheat, he will find a way to do it regardless of if this girl moves into his apartment or not. This is not something you can script or control so put your leash back in your purse. You're right, your emotions is what you need to find a way to deal with. I don't disagree that a girl moving in with him is a bigger temptation than say...some girl he works with, but the end result is still the same. If he the type to cheat, he will find a way to do it in a world where there are no women. All you can do here is watch and wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Vinnie Vinn Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 If she's ugly I wouldn't worry about it unless your bf drinks a lot. Either way your relationship is ****ed cuz your already getting jealous so weather he ****s her or not your going to break up over it....lol Link to post Share on other sites
princessjasmine777 Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thats a tuff one! find out if she is attractive! If she is,..then he will be tempted to cheat! If she is hott then you have a right to not want him to live with her!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thanks for the advices. I thought about my insecurity a lot and I will take your words in heart. I even thought that this might be a good chance of testing him before we actually get committed (engaged, married, moving into a house etc. which we have been talking about last year). I'm supposed to get a house next year and we get engaged so he would move in to help pay the mortgage.... Now that I think about it, it's always better to know it earlier than later, because in the future he's gonna get a secretary or what that's gonna follow him all day as well which will also be beyond my control. I should learn to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
GroupFitness Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thats a tuff one! find out if she is attractive! If she is,..then he will be tempted to cheat! If she is hott then you have a right to not want him to live with her!!! What??? what has being attractive got to do with anything? what if she's not traditionally attractive but he is attracted to her, then what happens in that case. You really think guys are that discriminating if p***sy is being served to them on a silver platter? She doesn't trust her boyfriend and she is jealous and insecure, period!. I suggest dealing with those issues first because you are going to go through all your relationships fighting battles like this that you can't win. It's soul sucking, just so you know. You can't shield your boyfriend away from women just because you fear he will cheat on you. What a draining way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 My boyfriend's a very social person and he thrived in going out with friends. And I know that before me he has dated different kind of women but his longest relationship was like 4 months. He enjoys attentions from other women that's why one of his old female "buddy" can manipulate him into doing things for her and hanging out but treated him badly (she always has some boyfriend around but also wants my boyfriend to work for her, although since we are together he has tried his best not to arrange outing together..) All in all...I trust my boyfriend for now, but I am also realistic enough to know that when faced the temptation, it takes some balls to say NO. We are not perfect and we may all slip at some point. I want to do my best to keep this relationship alive... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I actually like your comments about "fighting the battles that I can't win". I just wondered if I'm the only worst insecure person in this world to have these feelings. I want to know why and how people deal with their insecurity. What??? what has being attractive got to do with anything? what if she's not traditionally attractive but he is attracted to her, then what happens in that case. You really think guys are that discriminating if p***sy is being served to them on a silver platter? She doesn't trust her boyfriend and she is jealous and insecure, period!. I suggest dealing with those issues first because you are going to go through all your relationships fighting battles like this that you can't win. It's soul sucking, just so you know. You can't shield your boyfriend away from women just because you fear he will cheat on you. What a draining way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 So this girl is going to move in. He hasn't met this girl yet but his roommate told him that she's not that attractive. Please some advices on how to deal with my emotions from now on.... Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
GroupFitness Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 I actually like your comments about "fighting the battles that I can't win". I just wondered if I'm the only worst insecure person in this world to have these feelings. I want to know why and how people deal with their insecurity. you are not the worst insecure person in the world, I've totally been where you are. I think just realizing that regardless of what happens, you are still going to be yourself and you will survive it. Realizing that your boyfriend cheating on you is not going to end your world and you will come out stronger on the other side. Giving yourself enough credit and having enough faith in yourself to deal with the worst that COULD happen. These thoughts have always helped me. We all feel insecure, and jealous, it's part of being human, you just have to learn to focus on things that are within your control and release your strong hold on things--such as the roommate situation-- that are not. My mantra whenever I get those irrational feelings is "so what". I imagine the worse possible scenario happening, which in this case, would be him cheating and I say to myself, "so what?". He'll cheat, we'll break up and I will find someone else, life goes on. Why waste my energy being anxious over something that may or may not happen? If he does cheat on you, it is NOT a reflection on you. You will still remain your beautiful self and some other guy will realize that and not eff it up. If he cheats on you, he's a scum bag that you are well rid off anyway. You want to be with someone that will choose you even in the face of a "hot roomate" temptation. There is something inherently freeing about that. Not someone you have to constantly monitor out of fear that they will stray. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Skies Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Thanks and I appreciate it. I almost cried when I read this and you should know how badly I could control my emotions... I guess I am being more insecure recently because the day after Valentine's day, I found that he was helping his old female buddy to find housing in a foreign country where he has some friends and relatives, it was not a big deal in itself but he never told me until I saw the message he was sending to his friends and asked him and he told me. I was very mad that night, not because of the fact that he helped the female best friend, but that he didn't tell me at all thinking that I will get upset. That night we agreed that we would tell each other everything no matter how bad it would get. Then one midnight he received some text message from his ex-girlfriend (not long, about 1 month history) that she's going to a job interview in NYC, I saw the message and I asked who's XXX he said that was his ex-girlfriend, he said that he didn't want to tell me cuz I would be jealous but we've agreed to tell each other everything. That night I couldn't fall asleep, I asked him if she wanted to talk with him again what he would do, he said he wouldn't talk with her as they ended in bad terms. I had a sleepless night that night because I knew that it was the girl who disappeared when things were all great and he sort of couldn't get over it (he told me). I love him and I'm in this dangerous cycle of wanting to figure things out. We've never had this kind of issues before and I totally trusted him. But after those two "accidents" I started to feel weired. But as you say, I should learn to say "so what" and prepare for the worst that could happen. I want to have a healthy and good relationship with him and enjoy the time we are together instead of wasting my energy and time to guess. you are not the worst insecure person in the world, I've totally been where you are. I think just realizing that regardless of what happens, you are still going to be yourself and you will survive it. Realizing that your boyfriend cheating on you is not going to end your world and you will come out stronger on the other side. Giving yourself enough credit and having enough faith in yourself to deal with the worst that COULD happen. These thoughts have always helped me. We all feel insecure, and jealous, it's part of being human, you just have to learn to focus on things that are within your control and release your strong hold on things--such as the roommate situation-- that are not. My mantra whenever I get those irrational feelings is "so what". I imagine the worse possible scenario happening, which in this case, would be him cheating and I say to myself, "so what?". He'll cheat, we'll break up and I will find someone else, life goes on. Why waste my energy being anxious over something that may or may not happen? If he does cheat on you, it is NOT a reflection on you. You will still remain your beautiful self and some other guy will realize that and not eff it up. If he cheats on you, he's a scum bag that you are well rid off anyway. You want to be with someone that will choose you even in the face of a "hot roomate" temptation. There is something inherently freeing about that. Not someone you have to constantly monitor out of fear that they will stray. Link to post Share on other sites
missdependant Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I am sorry, but I am way too insecure for that. I KNOW I wouldn't be able to put a stop to a situation like that, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I would suggest meeting the girl and figuring out if she is trustworthy or not.. but form your OWN opinion on her. If she seems sketch and you have a bad feeling about her, then yeah... as his girlfriend, I'd say it's within your rights to be upset and say something about it. But you should at least give her a fair chance.. My boyfriend lived with one guy and two other girls in his old house. I ended up becoming best friends with one, and talk to the other one sometimes. I was originally upset when they said these girls would be moving in.. but I learned to accept it, and with that came trust, as well as some new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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