asharper35 Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I am currently dating a lady whom I plan (or was planning) to marry. Recently she's been texting a guy from her job quite frequently 3 or 4 times a day. When I approached her about it she admitted openly that she "liked" the guy (as in attracted to). She says, however, that they are just "friends" and that a relationship with him would never work because she (like myself) is a Christian. The guy is a muslim and supposedly all the females on her job think that he is "hot". She insists that she is in love with me and wants to get married but the texting with that guy continues unabated, even after we agreed that it was inappropriate. Is it me or is something wrong with this picture. Am I to marry a woman who admits that she likes another guy and essentially the only reason she is not pursuing a romantic relationship with him is because she is a Christian and he is a Muslim! Please help! I love this girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I'm sorry, but her Christian upbringing seems to be doing little to prickle her conscience. Ask her again, and add, "Why am I not important enough to you, to stop this inappropriate behaviour?" She either needs to commit - or I think, at this early stage, there are already questions to be asked. Such as: Do you think she will last the distance, if you get married, 'for better and for worse'....? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 She says, however, that they are just "friends" and that a relationship with him would never work because she (like myself) is a Christian. The guy is a muslim The above is what stands out to me. I am not religious so apologies if this may sound offensive to some but to me it would have been better if she said a relationship would not work with him because she is not interested, because she is with you. To use her religion sounds like she is trying to convince herself (and you) but not very well. You need to tackle this now. Her behaviour in inappropriate and wrong. If she is not prepared to stop then you need to reassess your relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 The above is what stands out to me. I am not religious so apologies if this may sound offensive to some but to me it would have been better if she said a relationship would not work with him because she is not interested, because she is with you. To use her religion sounds like she is trying to convince herself (and you) but not very well. I agree with the above. And if you both have agreed it is inappropriate then she is knowingly doing something to cause problems between the two of you. The problem is not this guy. The problem is very much your girlfriend. You need to talk to her and figure out why she is continuing to do so. It is not worth investing more (time, effort, emotion, whatever) into her if she doesn't value you or your relationship enough to make you and your feelings a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 She's feeding you a line about the differences in religion. People who are determined to cheat will say anything to convince the person they are with that there is "no way" they could or would cheat. If she is continuing to text like this, and continues to fight for her right to be 'friends' with him even after you and she agreed it was inappropriate you can bet there is more to it than just texting. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 Since she's in love with you, I'm sure she wouldn't mind and would even enjoy sharing those texts with you Link to post Share on other sites
Author asharper35 Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Thanks for the advise guy's. Your comments confirm what I thought all along...this is a serious problem because it reveals something about her character. Her argument now is that he is a friend and she will continue to text him (unbelievable!!). She makes it difficult broach the topic by saying things like "you are over-reacting" or "why are you acting so insecure". I think I'll tap the brakes on the proposal thing and kind of see where it goes. By the way, they have not text one another all weekend (so she say's). It will be interesting to see on Monday, when she goes back to work, if the texting resumes. Honestly, I just don't get it!! Maybe this is a sign indicating she is NOT the one. Thanks again..very good advice!! I like this forum and think I'll stick around. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 If she is disrespecting your feelings, and puting all the guilt back on your shoulders, at this stage of your relationship - think of it as if you were married..... Is she the one......? Hmmmmm....never mind suspending the engagement..... maybe you should hang ten and hang out with other young ladies. This one looks suspect. Link to post Share on other sites
lovestory5 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let her go! I don't believ in friendship between men and women. There is always more than friendship. And also if he is a macho at the office she has sexual fantasies about him. Believe me. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 When someone turns the cheating argument against you like that, that is a clear indication that something more is going on. I wouldn't let on that you are watching. All that will do is get her to take it under ground. Link to post Share on other sites
keechie Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I agree with the others saying that she's probably not the one for you. Even if it is "just friendship," the fact that she has disregarded your hurt feelings is enough to show how selfish she is being. For what it's worth, I do believe that men and women can be just friends. One of my very best friends is a guy, but the difference is in that I'm not afraid to bring him around my boyfriend, (they're actually good buddies now!), and any texts that he and I may have are texts that I certainly wouldn't mind if my boyfriend saw. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Maybe this is a sign indicating she is NOT the one. Yes, that's exactly what this is. If she's doing this to you now, what's going to happen when she gets a little bored in your marriage some years down the road? And becomes attracted to a guy who isn't "muslim"? Take heed of this sign and seek a commitment elsewhere. There are a lot of wonderful women out there who wouldn't do this to you. Find one. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Wow, this is wrong on so many levels. If your "finace" is enamored with her "Muslim Hottie" cut her loose so she can persue a relationship with him. You can have fun imagining her in a Berka..... Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 If she needs to be pushed into doing what's right, I don't see the point in continuing the relationship. You shouldn't have to "remind" your partner what is appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
pinkmarble Posted March 17, 2009 Share Posted March 17, 2009 Sorry, but 3-4 times a day is not frequent text messaging in my book. Have you read the text messages, and are they inappropriate? Is she hiding it from you? I do believe in friendships between males and females. I see where you're coming from too, but I don't think it's your call who she is or is not friends with. It sounds to me like you don't trust her. I'm in love with my guy, and I'm still attracted to other people (just not as attracted). I would never act on my attractions, but is it really possible to only ever be attracted to one person in the world? Link to post Share on other sites
Author asharper35 Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 Hi Guy's I called the engagement off two weeks ago and I found out this past weekend that she and the Muslim guy from her job are actually dating now! She's denying it (I knew she would) but a mutual friend has confirmed that it's true. From what I understand, Muslims are allowed to date/court only if the two plan to marry. So who knows? I am simply at a loss for words, conflicted on so many levels - (i.e. what about the unequally yoked thing!!). I can't begin to describe the depth of my pain right now. I haven't eaten in three days but I'm maintaining as best I can..I know that it will eventually get better and I'll move-on but it hurts like hell right now! fyi (if heart-break could be bottled and sold as an appetite suppressant, someone could stand to make millions!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Chat Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Hang in there!! Please eat something it only effects your ability to think clearly so get yourself some grub. My late Father gave me the best advice when my husband left me for another woman - "Dont spend not one tear on him, he isnt worth even that! Go out with your friends and have a good time" And I did, met my now fiance and am happy DONT spend not ONE tear on this woman, she played you for a fool and clearly has no spine and if she is sooo Christian then she will have more to answer for in her actions - you know that (though I am not religious I can respect where your coming from) Eat!! I will keep driving this home - look after yourself, perhaps some therpay - if you dont dig conventional therapy maybe your Pastor can offer some guideance? Hang in there - plenty more *fish* in the sea (herm as it were) Link to post Share on other sites
Author asharper35 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thanks so much for the advice..very encouraging!! I forced myself to eat some oatmeal earlier, I'll try soup or something later...I do think I will seek some sort of counseling because I have absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING other than get through the work day! Link to post Share on other sites
Magpies Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Since she's in love with you, I'm sure she wouldn't mind and would even enjoy sharing those texts with you Well said! OP, you're lucky this came about now. My ex-husband did the exact same thing, txting, chatting online late at night, trying to convince me she was just a friend from school, all the while hiding the phone bills and even went so far as to debate what exactly is wrong with going to dinner, a movie after, and perhaps the beach with her if he can do that with one of the guys and not be a date You're very lucky you found out now how she is and it's obvious she's not ready for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Magpies Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Thanks so much for the advice..very encouraging!! I forced myself to eat some oatmeal earlier, I'll try soup or something later...I do think I will seek some sort of counseling because I have absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING other than get through the work day! OP, I replied too quickly without reading the rest of the thread. I'm sorry to hear that things went for the worst but I do believe you're luck was with you on this one because you found out now versus later. When things went spiraling down for me, I was so devastated I didn't know what to do. When truths finally unfolded, I was so overwhelmed that I had to seek help. I went to a therapist and it was the best thing I could have ever done. If you're not familiar with them, they are professionals that do not prescribe medicine but listen and help you come to your own solutions. I recommend them to anyone - even people without problems (if they exist). Whatever you do, just remember that it's not you that did this. It's all her. And even if you think you will never meet anyone else ... chances are you will. Love comes when you least expect it, even if it does take its time! Eat. Go out with friends. Celebrate that you found out now Link to post Share on other sites
texman Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I am currently dating a lady whom I plan (or was planning) to marry. Recently she's been texting a guy from her job quite frequently 3 or 4 times a day. When I approached her about it she admitted openly that she "liked" the guy (as in attracted to). She says, however, that they are just "friends" and that a relationship with him would never work because she (like myself) is a Christian. The guy is a muslim and supposedly all the females on her job think that he is "hot". She insists that she is in love with me and wants to get married but the texting with that guy continues unabated, even after we agreed that it was inappropriate. Is it me or is something wrong with this picture. Am I to marry a woman who admits that she likes another guy and essentially the only reason she is not pursuing a romantic relationship with him is because she is a Christian and he is a Muslim! Please help! I love this girl! If this is not a person you can invite over to your house to have dinner with you and hang out, at any time...then whatever the relationship is with them is likely inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
texman Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Thanks for the advise guy's. Your comments confirm what I thought all along...this is a serious problem because it reveals something about her character. Her argument now is that he is a friend and she will continue to text him (unbelievable!!). She makes it difficult broach the topic by saying things like "you are over-reacting" or "why are you acting so insecure". I think I'll tap the brakes on the proposal thing and kind of see where it goes. By the way, they have not text one another all weekend (so she say's). It will be interesting to see on Monday, when she goes back to work, if the texting resumes. Honestly, I just don't get it!! Maybe this is a sign indicating she is NOT the one. Thanks again..very good advice!! I like this forum and think I'll stick around. You should go look in the infidelity forum. This is likely an EA (Emotional Affair) at the least. One of the hallmarks of a cheater (or soon to be one), is telling you how 'you're crazy', 'you're over-reacting', and their general defensive posture about the whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I broke up with my boyfriend because he refused to stop talking to his ex-girlfriend who was now a "friend". He said the same things to me: "why are you overreacting" and "why are you so insecure". I finally decided I did not want to be with someone who wouldn't choose me over an ex. When I broke up with him, it took him all of a week to e-mail her, blind-copying me, to tell her he didn't want to be her friend anymore because it was costing him his relationship with me. Now he is telling me exactly what I said all along -- if I am the most important person to you, my feelings should come first and you should want to do anything reasonably within your power to make the person feel happy, safe and secure in the relationship. You should definitely put a hold on the engagement. Link to post Share on other sites
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