boyfriend or bestfriend???

[torn]

which is harder to find, true love or true friendship? my bestfriend(anthony) and my boyfriend(joe) just can't get along with each other. joe doesn't understand my need for anthony. he's really scared that i might fall for him sooner or later.(no one really believes that we can maintain this platonic thing)i know i have to choose between the two of them. but i just can't give up either one of them yet i know i can't keep them both. what do i do?

 

p.s. i feel like i've done everything to make them understand

[Tony T]

Great question!!!

 

Your boyfriend is like many guys, insecure and not able to understand that a woman can have a male friend without going to bed with him.

 

Whether the two don't get along because of basic incompatibilities or because of you, you are still going to have to make a decision.

 

Your first question: Which is harder to find, true love or true friendship?

 

Both are equally as tough. True love is a euphoric feeling we get when we find our perfect chemical match. Often, the person would not make much of a friend but the chemistry is so overwhelming we don' see that. Some people are lucky enough to find true love a number of times in their life. True love, however, is a salid of emotions and circumstances which must be converted into life-long committment if you want it to go that far.

 

True friendship is everything true love is, without the volatile chemistry. For my money, true friendship is better and lasts longer because your friend sees you as you are (without the influence of chemicals) and is with you because he or she likes the real you. True friendship is usually not nearly as conditional as true love.

 

True love is usually conditioned upon that euphoric feeling lasting. When the chemicals wear off, your lover better still like what he or she sees, and not the image that was party to the beginning euphoria. If that happens, then true love will hang in there through illness, accident, etc. True love will go through childbearing and raising, including the sleepless nights, cleaning the messes, etc.

 

True love has many lives and phases and its most important element is hanging in there through all the phases. True friendship grows continuously, is extremely comfortable, is far more stable, but it lacks some of the rewards of true love, particularly the sex and intimacy (but not always).

 

I really don't think it's fair of your boyfriend to make you dump your best friend...but I do understand how he may feel threatened. It sounds like you get some real needs met by Anthony that you don't from your boyfriend. If Joe REALLY loves you and you REALLY love Joe, you need to assert yourself and let him know he has to accept Anthony. If he REALLY loves you he will try to understand...but don't expect him to be truly happy about the situation.

 

In the longrun, I don't think Joe is going to last in your life. If he can't accept your friendship with Anthony, assuming you have talked this out with him, and Anthony has made a real effort to be his friend, I think he is too immature for you and perhaps not a very insightful person. When the chemistry simmers a bit for Joe, may not like some of the things you see in Joe.

 

On the other hand, Joe may be sensing that Anthony is wanting a bit more out of this than just a hug. You need to look at this closely as well. It is really and truly possible that your feelings for Anthony could evolve into a lot more than just buddies. If you didn't really care for Anthony as a friend, you wouldn't have made this post.

 

Sorry to ramble on here, but I guess my final answer is I think you have or could have more feelings for Anthony eventually because finding a friend who can also be a lover is the very best of all possible worlds and could be something of a lifetime find. While right now you have no sexual feelings for Anthony, if that be the case, don't discount that that couldn't happen in the future.

 

Though I may have served to confuse you more, I hope I have given you some things to guide you in your decision making process.

[hassan]

Well tell your b/f that he is just a freind and nothing mpre.And also that he is the one. Do you like anthony? or are you jsut confused. Well tell him that anthony is your freind and you guys will be . remember this. BOYFREINDS COME AND GO BUT BESTFREINDS DONT ,THEY WILL KNOW YOU THE BEST.

which is harder to find, true love or true friendship? my bestfriend(anthony) and my boyfriend(joe) just can't get along with each other. joe doesn't understand my need for anthony. he's really scared that i might fall for him sooner or later.(no one really believes that we can maintain this platonic thing)i know i have to choose between the two of them. but i just can't give up either one of them yet i know i can't keep them both. what do i do? p.s. i feel like i've done everything to make them understand

[mj]

Best friends don't come along everyday. This is not to infer that boyfriends do but they are a lot easier to find than a true best friend. I suggest that if you can truly not make your boyfriend understand your friendship with Anthony then he has to be the one to go. Because if he really liked you that much he would understand that Anthony is your friend and no one has the right to try to chose your friends for you or decide who you see. Best friends will be there forever, boyfriends may not always be.

[Amy]

Things like this can become very difficult situations. However, don't stress out about it so much. It may feel like it is consuming you, but it doesn't have to. This is your life. You need to do everything you need to in order to be happy--without hurting others of course. If you have these two guys in your life and they each fill different voids that you have, keep them there. If you get rid of your best friend because of your boyfriend, eventually you will get a new best friend or at least someone else to take his place. Your boyfriend could be that new friend, or you could find another guy to be your best friend. Or visa versa, if you give up your boyfriend, eventually you will get a new one. What I'm trying to say is that you are going to get what you need to make you happy. If you are happy with the way things are in your life, don't change them. If the people in your life can't accept the things in your life, let them leave you--it's their problem. If your boyfriend truly loves you and truly trusts you, then he will accept--perhaps with time--your best friend. Do what you need and what you want, not what others want. This will only lead to regrets and disappointments.

 

Good Luck!