am i delusional to have hope??

[zoe1983]

FIrst off i hope this is the right place to post this. Basically my boyfriend is an alcoholic and I just dont know what to do anymore. We have been together for almost five years and although he always drank it didn't become an problem untill about a year ago when he began drinking every single night. I like to drink too, although i dont drink nearly as often as he does. I think though that this is part of the reason i have ignored the problem for so long. I guess i felt like who i was i to judge him when i drank too? Although his alcoholism has really made me not want to drink ever again.....

 

We have gotten into this awful cycle were i ignore the drinking for a little while and then he does something stupid because he is drunk and i realize how messed up the situation is. Sometimes i have even resorted to drinking myself when he is drunk so i can ignore the whole situation ( i know not a good solution and i have vowed to stop doing that).

 

When i say he does stupid things they can range from punching a hole in the wall, breaking something (on purpose or by accident), or verbally abusing me. Last week was the last straw when he came home from his friends house with bruises and cuts all over him. I was too upset to even ask what happened but last night he admitted that he was so drunk he started screaming at his friends house and he was so loud that a neighbor called the cops. Although he was lucky enough not to get arrested the whole thing just scares the crap out of me. The worst part is i work in the legal system and could potentially lose my job if he ever did get arrested. Ironically just the night before when he was drunk he got mad at me for not being able to trust him.

 

His solution to the problem is to only drink at home now, which basically means terrorizing me at least a couple nights a week. His rationale is that i should just ignore all the mean things he says to me when he is drunk because he doesn't mean any of it and doesn't even remember saying any of it. Unfortunately i don't have the luxury of forgetting and instead replay it all in my head for days afterwards.(When he is sober, he NEVER, i mean NEVER says anything even remotely mean to me....i mean he is overly nice, but then he gets drunk and its just a 180). The thing is that there have been a few times....maybe 5 times in the past five years were i have gotten drunk and said mean things to him too and he always forgives me so that makes me feel guilty. Also he believes that as long as he is not hitting me or hurting me physically that it is not a big deal. His father has basically done the same thing to his mother for as long as he can remember.

 

When he is sober he admits he has a problem and says he wants to get help and is going to go to AA. Last week he actually tried to quit drinking and i was so proud of him....until i accidently found a receipt from the liquor store dated for the same day. I just felt so betrayed.....I feel like im in a love triangle with him, me and a bottle of vodka. I even went so far as to pack a bag last week and threaten to leave. It seemed to really hurt him but less than a week later he is already drinking again. He says he is too scared to stop.....that the doctor said it might kill him.

 

The worst part is that lately he wants to talk about it when he is already drunk and the stuff that comes out of his mouth just tears me up. He doesn't even remember it so of course acts like it doesn't count. He told me last night that if i was stronger i could just ignore the mean things he says and then there wouldnt be a problem. He also said that i am the only one with a problem because everyone else thinks that all the stupid things he does when he is drunk is hilarious. He actually asked me why i cant just laugh it off! The moment he gets drunk he tries to act like this is all my fault. He also blamed me for him getting drunk last night because he was already drunk when i got home from work and was planning on driving to the liquor store to get more liquor. I didn't want him to get a DUI or get hurt or hurt someone else so i offered to drive him. (i don't even know if that was bad of me to do or not...im just so scared something terrible will happen)

 

I love this man so much and we have the potential for such a great future but i feel like he is just drinking that future away. His alcoholism is seriously the only big problem we have in our relationship. I have seriously been considering leaving but i love him so much and i just know if he could get sober that i would have my great wonderful boyfriend back. I have run out of ideas and am just looking for help or advice or ideas.....sorry this was long and thank you to anyone who read the whole thing!

[Taramere]

I love this man so much and we have the potential for such a great future but i feel like he is just drinking that future away. His alcoholism is seriously the only big problem we have in our relationship. I have seriously been considering leaving but i love him so much and i just know if he could get sober that i would have my great wonderful boyfriend back. I have run out of ideas and am just looking for help or advice or ideas.....sorry this was long and thank you to anyone who read the whole thing!

 

I'm going to try hard not to project my own feelings about alcohol abusers here, but I just returned from an unpleasant evening in the company of a guy-friend who is the most obnoxious drunk. Periodically he'll stop drinking because people are starting to distance themselves from him, but it never lasts. I can't imagine how horrendous it must be to live with someone who gets into that state regularly.

 

Sometimes you can reason with a drunk if you try very hard - but it takes endless patience and energy. It also means that you've got to limit your own intake drastically (once you see that they're in for a night of it) so that you can manage whatever confrontation starts up.

 

Why put that amount of effort in for someone who shows no genuine interest in staying off the substance that turns them into such a stressful, boring and unpleasant pain in the ass to be around?

 

He told me last night that if i was stronger i could just ignore the mean things he says and then there wouldnt be a problem. He also said that i am the only one with a problem because everyone else thinks that all the stupid things he does when he is drunk is hilarious. He actually asked me why i cant just laugh it off!

 

Laughing off a drunk's obnoxious behaviour is just another form of enabling it. Making excuses for it. "Don't mind him - he's just a bit tanked up."

 

Those friends who just laugh off your bf's behaviour - good for them. They're not the ones having to go home with him. Who have to look after him when he's so drunk that he can't look after himself. Find themselves in the middle of an unwanted, uninteresting alcohol fuelled drama with someone who's being verbally/physically abusive one minute, and crying/trying to hug you the next.

 

If you were stronger you could ignore the mean things he says? How about if he were stronger he could take an honest look, say "I have a problem here" and lay off the alcohol? However sweet he might be when he's sober, I don't know how you can tolerate living with someone who can't handle their drink, insists on drinking regardless - and does so on a regular basis. Or why you would want to, when he's showing little or no inclination to address the problem.

 

What about your friends? How do they feel if they spend an evening with the two of you and he's getting tanked up and obnoxious like this? It could get to the stage where you start losing your own social support network because they just can't stand to be around him.

[gopher]

It's a cliche', but he will only change when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of staying where he's at...

 

He may not have hit his bottom yet, but it sounds like you have hit yours with him. Have you checked out any support groups such as Alanon?