Mom vs Girlfriend

[Island Girl]

Hugs, Island Girl. I've been following your recent post -- naturally, am wishing you both everything good and positive, and that your husband will soon be with you . And that your health will GREATLY improve.

 

I have a similar dynamic with my mom -- she sees (and accepts) only those things about me and my life that support her feeling comfortable, safe and secure . It is tough, indeed.

In her favour though, God bless her soul, she has undertaken therapy...and she's past 70!

 

Thank you Ronni_W.

 

My mom is also past 70.

 

I love her dearly. I hate that we have this "issue" but it is what it is. It will work out however it works out.

[Cal999]

boldjack

"Honestly, this whole oedipal thing is getting way out of hand. I used to do what my mom said, then after I was about 12, I grew hair between my legs and did what I thought best. Mom became a valued counselor, nothing more. She certainly didn't have veto rights about my women. Foe God's sake grow a pair, and do what you want."

 

If that is constructive criticism, then um...thanks?

But try to keep it civilized okay - don't insult me.

 

About what you said about basically telling your mom to piss off at the age of 12...even if you are over exaggerating (I have the feeling that you are not) then that's YOUR choice - my mom raised me by herself so the least I can do is respect her, even if we disagree. That is the difference between a child and a grown up - we had dinner last night & discussed the whole thing - myself, mom and gf and it went well - my mom told her that she is happy that I am happy, my girlfriend replied by saying that I make her happy...and she likes my moms cooking.

It was my mom's idea to have the dinner so that is a plus AND the whole dilemma of race did not come up once and when we left my mom gave my gf a hug

 

What do you think???

[Island Girl]

WOW.

 

Good for you guys!

 

My mom WOULD NEVER have made that kind of an effort.

 

It sounds like she is at least trying to accept that you make your own choices for your own life. That is HUGE progress.

 

Congratulations.

 

You can't imagine how thrilled I'd be if my mother did the same thing (she also was a single mother) but I have no hope at all for that happening.

 

I am very happy for you.

[Cal999]

Thanks Island Girl

 

My mom can be a bit overprotective but she always stood by me through everything.

Maybe it's psychological on her part to not be fond of my relationship - psychological because a few years ago she was mugged and my brother had a gun pointed at his head @ his company (both black men) so it could be resentment or something - I remember when I started school the board of governors asked if the parents wanted black kids to attend our school, my mom voted yes - allow black kids.

So it's a pretty recent thing - I just hope my girl doesn't eventually leave because of my moms recent feelings by thinking that it's fake.

[Island Girl]

My mother believes in equal education, equal rights, etc.

 

That is why she doesn't believe she is racist.

 

Not believing in "mixing" is veiled racism. So the people who feel this way more often than not will state very adamantly that they are not racist. ---- But they ARE.

 

What it comes down to is "why" they do not believe in "mixing" because they see other racists as not just different but inferior and therefore should not mix with the "purity" of whatever race they are.

 

This sort of racism is found in all races.

 

We are steadily becoming more and more of a "melting pot" and the younger generations are clearly more acceptant.

 

Our media reflects these changes with interracial couples visible on TV, movies, etc.

 

I believe your mother is younger than mine so her exposure to a more diverse thought is greater.

 

My mother is 75 years old. In her lifetime, while she was growing up, segregation was common. The Civil Rights Movement had not happened yet - and didn't happen until later on in her life.

 

She also believes as some do here that who you love is a choice. You make a decision consciously to love someone. And therefore can just choose NOT to feel that way.

 

She and I are VERY different in that respect.

 

Yes, I made a conscious decision to date my husband but the way we interact, they way our personalities compliment each other, the way we both think about things are the reasons I love him.

Those things are unique to him and him only. That is why I love him. If he was wrapped in a different package I'd still feel the same way. So it is not a conscious choice or something I could turn off or turn my back on.

 

She continues to believe I am making the choice to "hurt her" when I could choose differently.

 

I state unequivocally that I am not making a choice between her and him. She is my mother and will never be what he is to me. He is my husband and will never be what she is to me. There is no choosing one over the other in that respect.

 

What is concerning is my sister's reaction. I would never have believed she is a racist but she very clearly is.

When she found out I was engaged to him she actually asked, "how dark is he?"! I was taken aback to say the least.

And then her comment was "how can you do that to mom?!!" - !!!

To which I replied, "do what? choose a person I want to spend my life with as a partner?"

She still doesn't get it but she is one piece of work anyway. I don't speak with her and haven't for several years now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She was mugged cal??? Wow I can see why she's like the way she is but remember white people commit crimes too. She needs some counciling i think.

[Ronni_W]

What do you think???

I think your mom is terrific! Good for her for being open to learn WHO your girlfriend is, and making the effort to find out if she (your g/f) is making you happy instead of just giving in to her (your mom's) own fears and biases.

 

I just hope my girl doesn't eventually leave because of my moms recent feelings by thinking that it's fake.

Actually, from one of your earlier posts I got that your g/f has compassion for your mom's perspective -- not that she agrees with it, necessarily, just that she (your g/f) has enough self-esteem and self-confidence to not let other people's judgments and prejudices negatively impact her self-view.

 

 

But if I could offer a caution -- make sure that YOU don't keep this "race difference thing" alive in your own mind and heart.

That is, don't keep a limited view of your mom based on her OLD attitude...she is showing signs of expanding, so remember to also expand your image of her.

 

The two of them are getting along better today than yesterday, and they both seem interested in growing an even more positive relationship for the future. Whether that is "just" for your sake, or for their individual desire to grow and accept and be empathetic, it does not matter.

 

If you don't mind me saying, you all sound like really wonderful and well-adjusted people -- my best wishes to all of you, for a happy and successful future!

[Cal999]

Island Girl

 

"If he was wrapped in a different package I'd still feel the same way."

 

That's exactly the weird & wonderful thing about love Looks aren't the whole equation - it's the person on the inside that we fall in love with

(I think you said that earlier)

 

"What is concerning is my sister's reaction. I would never have believed she is a racist but she very clearly is.

When she found out I was engaged to him she actually asked, "how dark is he?"! I was taken aback to say the least.

And then her comment was "how can you do that to mom?!!" - !!!

To which I replied, "do what? choose a person I want to spend my life with as a partner?"

She still doesn't get it but she is one piece of work anyway. I don't speak with her and haven't for several years now."

 

That's hardcore Island Girl - actually my older sister has been cool about my gf being bi-racial, I was a bit surprised.She was surprised about us in the beginning but loves that I am happy & when she met my girl she took a liking to her.

 

What bothers me the most is it feels like we're bringing shame onto your family by having a loving interracial relationship.

It's not like we're shagging anything we meet!

Some people just don't get it...

[dwightl]

Hmmmm.. definitely not a good situation. I hope your mom soon understands that when it comes to what your heart desires, she's should not interfere at all. You have to balance things out. Your own happiness or your mom's. Here's a thing. Mostly, people in your situation would not abide their parents and when a grandchild comes, they go home, and then, it's magic!

[boldjack]

Cal, I still pretty much stand by what I said. My mom is a valued counselor, but she knows and has known for years that what she wants me to do had better be something I have already decided to do. Having your mother to dinner to discuss YOUR romance is a trifle weird. If you had said that you had your mother to dinner to announce YOUR decision, made by your lonesome, then that would be Ok. See the difference? Your a big boy now and mummy's approval isn't necessary

[Cal999]

boldjack

"Cal, I still pretty much stand by what I said. My mom is a valued counselor, but she knows and has known for years that what she wants me to do had better be something I have already decided to do. Having your mother to dinner to discuss YOUR romance is a trifle weird. If you had said that you had your mother to dinner to announce YOUR decision, made by your lonesome, then that would be Ok. See the difference? Your a big boy now and mummy's approval isn't necessary"

 

Yes I understand - the thing is that I stay with my mom a lot - since the building that I'm moving to is in the final stages of construction...

(should be ready soon)

 

I was at home and the thought popped up like HEY! Let's have my gf over for dinner My mom thought it would be nice & it was.

We did not discuss romance - it was an evening of my mom chilling with my girlfriend (getting to know each other)

It was not an ambush on my mom to tell her to accept my relationship or **** off that's not how I do things.

 

I know you say I must stick to my own boundaries and be my own man, and I appreciate that - but there are some things I won't enforce on anybody including this situation.

 

dwightl

 

Hmmmm.. definitely not a good situation. I hope your mom soon understands that when it comes to what your heart desires, she's should not interfere at all. You have to balance things out. Your own happiness or your mom's. Here's a thing. Mostly, people in your situation would not abide their parents and when a grandchild comes, they go home, and then, it's magic!

 

I really think my mom will accept this & come round and do a 180 eventually, it's just a matter of them bonding.

As far as children are concerned - let me get through a few years of this relationship first :D:D

[bluehare07]

That's right, the more that they know about each other, the more that they'll understand the one another. Make moves so they'd get more time and of course prepare for the unexpected. Talk to your girl and ask her to be more patient with your mom. After all, if ever you'll be together in the end, she's not gonna sleep with your mom right?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm telling you now cal crazy parents will ruin your relationships more often than not. I think the best thing is for you to move out and keep your moms outta your business. There was an old rap song by K-solo. I think you might wanna look at that. lol.

[boldjack]

Cal, dude, you are acting like some kind of bystander. This your romance,not your mum's, whether they bond or not isn't important. It is however, important that you show your gf that she comes first and that you are adult enough to stand up for yourself. If your gf thinks that you're a momma's boy, then goodbye gf. You don't seem to be able to understand that your romances are none of your mom's business. Whether you live with your mom(how old are you, anyway?) or not, you need to be a man and put mummy in her place, which is after you and your gf.

[Els]

Just a question to those who are facing/have faced such problems, because I would have the same problem (due to religion mainly, not color) should my LDR turn into an ITR...

 

If you cut off or damage your relationship with your parents because you decided to be with your SO, and the relationship with your SO ends up not working out, would you regret it? Or would you feel some slight resentment towards your SO because of what you had to give up to be with him/her, when he/she had to make no such sacrifices, and would that eat into your relationship?

 

Or, would you take it as a matter of principle (they are being unfair, I won't stand for this) and see it as something that you'd have to do anyway, regardless of whether or not your relationship works out?

[boldjack]

I was raised to always respect and value the opinions of my elders, but also to be self-reliant and independent. When I reached man's age, the decisions were mine to make and the responsibility was also mine. My parents have frequently disagreed with my actions and my female companions, but I have to live with them both, my parents don't.

[Els]

So if your your choice of a woman causes your parents to cease any relationship with you, you consider it worthwhile?

[boldjack]

If my parents would try to involve themselves in my private life, other than to offer an opinion, I wouldn't tolerate it. I don't involve myself in their business, either. So them ceasing to have communication with me because they hated the lady of my choice is not ever going to happen, remember they are the ones who raised me. My values are from their teaching. I simply can't understand weak, dependent people. My own children have chosen their so's with out interference from either myself or my wife.

[Cal999]

bluehare07

 

"That's right, the more that they know about each other, the more that they'll understand the one another. Make moves so they'd get more time and of course prepare for the unexpected. Talk to your girl and ask her to be more patient with your mom. After all, if ever you'll be together in the end, she's not gonna sleep with your mom right?"

 

No bluehare...she's not going to sleep with my mom - I don't know whether I should laugh at that or burst into tears when it comes down to it I guess getting them to hang out together would be important too, what I won't do is give either of them an ultimatum on spending time together.

 

I am 23 BJ

I'm not dependent on anyone - I'm a business man and take care of myself, but this situation is new to me.

And trust me I have gotten pretty loud with my mom about this.

I think she knows where I stand now.

 

"remember they are the ones who raised me. My values are from their teaching."

 

If I were to do what my mom says and marry before shagging, I'd be a lonely dude

So that was another bridge that I crossed without being weak - but you can't satisfy everyone now can you?

[Hughesy]

I find it amusing that those who wish not to date outside of their race are branded racist when racist means "feeling superior". I don't date outside of my race, because I am not attracted to anyone outside of my race and just because it seems like a popular trend doesn't mean I am going to jump on the bandwagon for a one-race solution.

 

I have no problem with those who wish to interracially date, that's your choice, if you could raise children who do not look anything like you that's your choice, I wish you well, but for me, it's not an option, makes me racist? If so, then I am stand proudly as a racist in your eyes.

[Island Girl]

I find it amusing that those who wish not to date outside of their race are branded racist when racist means "feeling superior". I don't date outside of my race, because I am not attracted to anyone outside of my race and just because it seems like a popular trend doesn't mean I am going to jump on the bandwagon for a one-race solution.

 

Not being attracted is quite different.

 

Believing it is WRONG is what is being discussed here.

 

Believing races should not mix is racist.

 

You clearly do not feel that way. You just aren't attracted to anyone of another race - but you have said you have no problem with those who do.

Hence you not being racist.

 

There is a HUGE difference.

[Hughesy]

Even if someone has a problem that doesn't make them racist, I have a black friend who hates Interracial relationships and yet we are friends. I am white, he is black, we are basically brothers in the sense we have known each other for years. Bigoted it maybe, racist, it most certainly is not. What makes the preference of supporting interracial relationships anymore right/superior to the preference of being against it? Being against Interracial relationships is more about preserving one's race (which is stupid as all human will die with the earth when our day of reckoning happens) than it is about racial supremacy or racist ideals.

[Island Girl]

If you cut off or damage your relationship with your parents because you decided to be with your SO, and the relationship with your SO ends up not working out, would you regret it? Or would you feel some slight resentment towards your SO because of what you had to give up to be with him/her, when he/she had to make no such sacrifices, and would that eat into your relationship?

 

I do not resent my husband for having an open and wonderful acceptance in his family.

 

I do not regret being with him as a partner although my mother has a problem with it. It is her problem.

 

If she can really cut me out of her life because of my choice of romantic partner (when we are consenting adults) then she doesn't care for me as she has always said. I do not have unconditional love.

That is her problem not mine.

 

Or, would you take it as a matter of principle (they are being unfair, I won't stand for this) and see it as something that you'd have to do anyway, regardless of whether or not your relationship works out?

 

My mother and I have had this same issue since I was 19 years old.

 

I was raised not to see skin color. And I believe that is a good thing.

 

My happiness with my husband is my future. I have to see it through. It is my chance at happiness and a family.

 

It is the way it is. And she'll either get over her issues or she won't but they are HER issues.

[sb129]

Its interesting IG, that you were raised (presumably by your mom) to NOT see colour, and then when you don't see it, she gets upset about it.

 

Wishing you all the best for your health and life, I truly hope that you get to be with your H ASAP.

[Island Girl]

Its interesting IG, that you were raised (presumably by your mom) to NOT see colour, and then when you don't see it, she gets upset about it.

 

Two of my mom's brothers married Japanese women.

 

Apparently she had a problem initially when they married and confronted them about it but had to accept it because they were her brothers.

 

This happened long before I was born.

 

I was raised to treat all of my aunts the same.

 

And I was never informed of her prejudiced views (THANKFULLY).

 

So now that I have different views she says I am embarrassing the family and has always threatened to disown me because of it - yadda yadda.

 

Sorry OP - thought it bared answering. I do not mean to thread-jack.