Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 This IS kind of long, so you might want to go grab a cup of coffee or something for this one. Input from both the guys and ladies on this one would be appreciated. First of all, I'm a guy. Unfortunately, I'm a nice guy. I'm good to people because I don't like being an ass or acting like an ******* to people - it's just not me, and I'm not about to change that for anybody. I'm also not afraid to stand up for myself or for my friends who I believe are being treated like s*** by someone else that should be respecting them, yadda yadda. However, as many guys know the nice guy is the most hated of all guys it seems, and I have questions. Why do the ladies say that they want to be friends if you don't want anything from the guy at all? Is it really the social norm for the guy to just go away after the friends line is said? If so, then I don't accept the social norm. Why not just say no for good? I had the same incident with a friend of mine awhile back. I, unfortunately, ended up having feelings for her like I did when we first met a long time ago and finally told her (she had been recently divorced for quite a while before we started talking on the phone). She said the usual "I'm only interested as friends", continued to avoid me and finally said no to any contact whatsoever due to a new "relationship" and no male friends outside of it, despite saying she was only interested in friends in the first place. However, she's never updated any of her online profiles to reflect the new relationship, which she CAN do easily if the whole thing is true. By the way: I NEVER pressed the issue of a relationship after I told her and she said no. I accepted her decision and just started talking more with her online, just telling her about everything I've been up to, talking more about her, and so forth since we last talked oh so many moons ago. We both started talking about relationships at one point (she never brought up her past exes with me or talked about her past relationships other than her recent divorce just once...we were just discussing the general aspects of relationship values). The worst thing out of all this is I was never able to speak to her over the phone again...it's online only now and she pulled the plug with no regard for my feelings. We would literally talk to each other for HOURS at a time over the phone when we were younger and she didn't even bother letting me know over the phone - she told me all this crap online after she made her "getaway". When we started talking over the phone again it started going to the same place - we'd talk on the phone for a couple hours at a time. I had asked to be BFF even after being rejected as a BF because I didn't want to lose contact with her. Needless to say I was crushed that she wouldn't even care at all and not even want to be friends to pull something like that - claim to want to be friends even though you don't. We had just gotten back in touch with each other a year and a half before this occurred. Emailed back and forth several times a day. We met a long time ago back in elementary school but for some odd reason even with her new boyfriend she still prefers to stay in touch with me online, respond to emails, etc. and now it's all gone. Why would you lead someone on and claim to want to be friends when you don't want anything from the person at all? I know there some good ladies out there that don't pull this crap - I'm not trying to lump them all in with this souring experience. I'm just trying to get my head around this particular issue that's been bugging me for quite awhile and it's been screwing with my self esteem a LOT. It would seriously help me see things in a better light if I could get some idea of how or why anyone would do something like this to a long time friend that was 100% honest from the get-go. Any feedback from other ladies on this situation would certainly be appreciated as well. I guess my main question is: Is it REALLY the norm for the ladies to have no male friends outside of a relationship? EDIT: BTW, I've never been in a relationship at all (but I've tried...good God have I tried with nothing ever transpiring) and this whole recent thing has been a huge blow to my confidence, ego, and whatever self esteem I had left. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
ianandris Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Dude, girls will talk for HOURS with anyone if the conversation is decent, and they won't think anything of it. It's just the way they're wired. For guys, convos for hours tend to mean something. For them, it's like having a good meal. This has the unfortunate side effect of messing with guys heads sometimes. Second thing: once you pull a friendship into the realm of relationships, that friendship generally won't last. Doesn't mean it's impossible. If both parties are mature enough to move on, great, but in the vast majority of situations, it just doesn't work. As a general rule, consider a friendship dead as soon as you bring up relationships. Find someone else to talk to. And yes, while I wouldn't say it's the norm for women not to have friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship, it certainly isn't uncommon. Some do, some don't. It depends on the woman and the relationship. Plus, quit freaking trying to have a relationship. It scares girls away. Just work on making yourself relationship material. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I wish I had known about the convos and friendships/relationship thing before I even started. I would have done things a lot differently and wouldn't have said a word. Why is it that friendships end when they're pulled into the realm of relationships? I've never had any problem with awkwardness or anything...to me it's just "Oh, well." It's usually the woman's problem and they never talk to me again or keep things at the minimum. What's the deal? Why is it so awkward for them and yet for me as a guy it's a no big deal thing? Link to post Share on other sites
ianandris Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 No idea, bro. Girls are funny creatures. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 LOL...ain't that the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodlife Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Woman's perspective here. Anytime I've had male friends express interest in me and I do not feel the same, I simply tell them that I am only interested as friends (like you've experienced). I have never used that as an excuse, or lied by saying that- I just truly wanted friendship with the guy- nothing more, nothing less. I don't think these girls are saying that because they don't want anything at all from you, they DO want friendship but that's all. As for friendships ending when a relationship starts, I don't know man. From my experience I've only ever limited contact with a friend while in a relationship if that person is still actively pursuing or showing an interest in me. If they can't respect that I am in a relationship and back off then I'll have to cut off contact for the time being. I'd rather not stir things up with my partner or create situations where there would be jealousy and whatnot. So for some people it may be that, even if you do totally respect their decision to not want a relationship with you and you respect that they are with someone else, they still might feel better cutting off a friendship with someone that has expressed interest in the past. I know it's kinda dumb and not really fair, but that's just the way it goes with some people. Everyone is different and has different tendencies and behaviours when it comes to the friendship/relationship mix. You seem like a great guy and a great girl is just around the corner waiting for you. It'll come when you least expect it, trust me. And that's my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 thegoodlife- Thank you for the encouragement and the insight. Yeah, I'm going to college, got a good job, don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs (ever actually). I certainly don't feel like a great guy when this kind of stuff happens. It's a real big blow to the ego. Oh, well. Plus, my opinions are probably kind of biased/colored because of my feelings for this girl that I've had forever and I finally got to tell her. Oh, well. But thank you once again. It's much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
cybersister Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 It is common in an new relationship for somone to see a lot less of all their friends male and female and quite a while for things to settle down again. Particulalrly with those of the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 1, 2009 Author Share Posted March 1, 2009 I was talking about me broaching the subject of getting into a relationship with the girl - not about the girl getting into a relationship, which is what I thought the other poster was talking about? It seems like it's a cardinal sin for a guy to bring up the subject of getting into a relationship (at least in my case). Why is it so hard for me to get over this? I wish I could be the arsehole that just goes out and finds another woman after a day or so. It seems those people have everything in life - and nice guy losers like me get nothing. I really need to stop thinking about this. It's been on my mind for months since it happened and I can't get it out. Someone please hand me a sledgehammer. Thanks. *end sarcasm in last paragraph* :mad::mad::mad::mad: Link to post Share on other sites
ianandris Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 some people just have different skill sets. I'm not the most charismatic guy ever, so I have a hard time meeting girls. I'm a nice guy, and I have a good set of social skills, but my limitations make it more difficult for me than for others to develop relationships. On the other hand, I have a different set of skills that a lot of people don't have, too. Certain things which for most people are challenging, difficult, are very easy for me. I'm sure you've got the same thing going on. We've all got our own thing. Try to figure out what yours is and make it work for you. As nice as it is to have companionship, and as much as it sometimes feels like you can't live without it, ultimately, when it comes down to it, girl or no girl you'll be fine. And if you work out what you do best, focus on that, make something of yourself, it's only a matter of time before you end up with someone who will make you very happy. Fact is, the qualities which make you successful in other aspects of your life are the same qualities that will make you successful with women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 ianandris - Yup, pretty much got the same thing going on here. I've pretty much figured out what mine is. The whole thing is getting it to work for me, which is slowly starting to materialize now that I'm thinking about it. Now I just gotta complete college with the whole credentials thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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