How to fix what i screwed up... need her back

March 1, 2009

I started this site today, and have been reading around the forums. Left a few of my thoughts on some of them too. I came here for the reason that I have been in an LDR since July of 08, and as of the 21, she called it off.

Here is the history, and the recent, its long cause there is alot.

and cause i get long winded easily.

I have always spent most my time alone, not by force, but by preference. Have been in one relationship before this one, but wasnt love. I married out of highschool cause I was entering the army, and being married more than doubled my pay, as well as allowed her free medical benefits. we were married for about 2 1/2 years before I left, spending the last half year of the army on my own. due to deployment, training, and all the other things that a military life demands, we spent very little time together, and when we were together, not like a normal couple, she usually out with friends, me reading, or tinkering with my cars. we ended on a good note, as friends, cause we both saw that it wasnt love, but money keeping us together, and too much tension when we were around each other. I supported her through this financially, even buying her a $10,000 truck before i deployed so she could have a dependable vehicle for the first time in her life. When we split though, one of the biggest reasons was money, she had no sense of budgeting, and am still paying for the things that she incurred today. Irony, it happens.

It was a year before i met the woman I have come to discover what love is. We met online, in a game and it started out pretty odd. One of her friends also had an interest in me, while I had a preference for the woman I know now, the othe woman was alot closer, and i would actually be able to see her. It was finished due to real life things, the othe one had a family, was even married, but seperated. When she told me that she still hoped that her husband would straighten out, and be a decent person again, she would accept him back. With that, I didnt want to come between that. I heard a couple months later that they were back together, and it was a happy ending for her from the bad.

The woman that I got involved with lives in Brazil, while I live in America. So the distance is great. I was out of a job, staying with my parents and helpinging them with he kids and other things to repay them. She works as a nurse in a public hospital, and has to live with her parents because she doesnt make enough to be on her own. We decided to get involved with each other in either may or june. cant remember. I was going for a job as a truck driver, and had to leave for classes at the end of June. I rode my motorcycle from Michigan, to Idaho where the class was, then from there toured a bit, going west till the pacific, and riding US 101 down to San Fran, over to where it is now in Greorgia, with anothe person i met online, but is only a friend. During this time I was able to get ahold of her online, only 5, maybe 7 times, and it went from end of June, all of July, and into the beginning of August. Every day, I would ride up the the Library, and try to get online, being that school had gotten out just before, it would be crowded, and I was limited to 30 minutes at a time, with usually 2 hours or more between when I could be on. When I was travelling, I wasnt able to get ahold of her at all, and the ride back took considerable time. After I did though, I was in Greorgia, and used my friends internet for the few days I could until i had to go out for 7 weeks with a trainer through the months of September and October. During which, I only was able to get ahold of her once or twice.

After that I was able to afford getting a Laptop, and wireless internet, and was able to get on and talk to her whenever neither of us was busy. I have a built in webcam and mic, so i would use MSN to just talk to her, while she typed. Being an over the road truck driver, I really didnt have much time to be with her online, and when se was working, it was day long, and longer shift. We both have jobs that demand much time from us. I would put it on the seat so she could ride along with me when i drove, but this only happened a couple times, and at night so she really couldnt see much. This only lasted till mid November i believe. At this time, the acount i used to pay for the internet didnt let anything else draw money from it until that truck i bought my ex wife was paid for. I was living on an average budget of 6-8 dollars a day. I could have lowered the payments to the truck, but my personality is the type of where I try to take responsibility for what needs to be done. Whenever we had talked about visiting one or the other, it was understood that it would not be much later till mid, lat 2009 at the earliest. Not for just a visit, but to be able to meet for the first time. Yes, there was sadness, and lots of missing the other through all this, knowing that the few times we could actually get online with each other would be all we had for a long time. But, we kept together. Or so I thought.

During the time I didnt have regular access, I would try to find a wifi signal i could pirate, I was only able to a few times, and was able to get ahold of her only 3, or 4 times. This lasted till a few days ago, When I was able to get the internet reactivated, with a different account, so that it would not go into collections, like everything else i was trying to clear out. The day i get my internet back was February, 21st, the day AFTER her birthday. I missed being with her on christmas, new years, whic is also my birthday, Valentines, and her birthday. The worst time for me to have no access, is the exact time when I dont have it.

All the times we were together online though, things were fine. fun, laughing, and yes, intimate play as well. We have never had a video masturbation, cause she wanted to save that one thing for a real time. but we would to typing sex a couple times. When I finally got back online though, she seemed distant, and I got worried that she was going to say bye, which she kinda did two days later. She said the waiting, being alone, and worrying about me driving a truck, she couldnt take anymore, and she wanted to be happy again. She still wanted me to be around, but as a friend. I asked her, if later, when i could be there for real, if she could give us a second chance, when all the reasons for ending the LDR would not be an issue, and she said she didnt know.

It was like this for two days, I got no sleep, hadnt eaten, just utterly lost and devastated about it. I couldnt see why, when I could give her what she always said she dreamed for, and as far as i could tell, still wanted, without all the pain, and loneliness of long distance, why she couldnt give it a chance later. She told me to stop asking for it, that it would put her back to worrying, I told her then dont worry, be happy and live you life with me as your friend. Even if you get into a realationship with another, I wil hurt, but will be ok, and stay up here, cause I know you are happy. She wouldnt say yes, even when there is no reason to say no. After those three days, she told me, when I asked her again why, to stop asking, cause during that time, she had slept well for once, was happy, not sad at all, joked and laughed, had a good time with friends.

That killed me, made me think that what made her happy was me not being there, just utterly destroyed me. She is the only one I have ever said I love you to, and she was saying good bye, not giving a chance for later, and having no reason why. Some of you know how that is, I am glad the truck was in the shop during this time so iwould not have to drive it anywhere.

Finally though, When I was asking talking to her on that third day, trying to find some solace for myself, she told me she had done some cards, and they showed her that it wouldnt work between us, so stop asking. She is a witch, so is most of her family. It is in everything she does, and is who she is. She is a nurst because of her magic, cause she can do healing things. when she told me that the cards had said it wouldnt work, I told her **** that, i cant accept one thing saying no, when everything else she told me said good things. Then she told me that there wasnt just good from before about us, that there was bad too, but she just didnt tell me. I had always asked her, tell me things, so i can understand, and be honest, even if its bad, and dont spare me, cause atleast i will know that its true. When she told me that the magic had said bad things before, I was even worse out, completely lost then. and a bit irritated, before then i wasnt, just beyond sad, trying to find out why she would give up on her dreams. When i asked her, how bad was it then that it is telling you to leave me, to give up on you dreams of being happy with someone. she wouldnt say.

I have always tried to follow one thing in my life, to not give up. to always try for what is worth attaining. I have walked up the Rocky mountains twice from a small town, 23 miles that walk was, cause the cain had broke on the motorcycle. I have walked for a day and a half in Death Valley, and the surrounding area, In Mid august mind you, cause of a Flat tire. I could have gotten a bus ticket and left my motocycle behind both times, but i couldnt. I love that bike, and cant get rid of it so easy. That determination to not give up on the good things is the cornerstone of my life. I have lost all the things i have ever owned, with the exception of that bike, a car, and my childhood things, that my mother still has for the kids up there now. Everything i own fits into a single duffel back, and i had that one bag with me on that bike. And its now in this truck. Frequently that country song, carrying your love with me is in my head, cause that was how i felt. I place little value on material things. Its replaceable. And the only thing that kept me going through the dark times, was knowing that down that road, she could be in my arms. That i could be there, and make her happy. I could wait forever for her, Patience i have always had. When she told me though, that she didnt want to be a couple, just a friend, and couldnt give me a chance for later, it was her asking me to give up, to quit. She was asking me to deny who i am. And when she couldnt tell my what her magic had said, it was tearing me apart.

I would do anything for her. never wanted to hurt her, so when she said, no more couple, i let her be, but still asked for later, so i could have my peace of mind. She wouldnt let me have it. I think, and hope, I know why now. She had told me long ago, and a few times other, that she get scared about commitment, about being in a relationship. I think that is what caused her to say no more. I was back, had access again, and soon, the lock on my money will be gone, and I will have all my money to do with as i please. I think she got scared, and when she tried to push me away, any reason tha she gave me for her to hide behind, i found didnt make sense. Finally though, she thought her magic could do that, cause i dont know much about it. but i denied that too. That made her very angry, it made her feel like i said it was fake, made her feel like i said she was fake, just pretend. she either blocked me from MSN, or removed me, and removed me as mch as she can on the game we both play. Once, i fergot to check if she was on there when i got on, and when i did, she left.

That is where we are now. her angry with me, hurt that i said what i did, and her not understanding what i meant by it. I am still stuck, truck not repaired. and i check before getting on the game so i can get on there and talk to a mutual freind, the only person i know that i can talk to that knows her. I come here hoping anyone has any advice that can help me find a way to get her forgiveness, and her to not be so scared. If not that, if the end has come, then at least help me to find a way to continue on with anything. No, im not going to commit suicide or anything. but she is the only reason i have to do this job. only reason i have to get up, and do what is hard, and i hate. cause i knew, thought i knew, and still hope, that one day, at the end of one, i can relax in her arms, and her mine, rather than being alone. There is more to this, better ways for me to explain things, and im sorry its so long. Just wanted to make sure people have the right idea.

Thanks to anyone that reads it. Im just lost right now.

March 1, 2009

I started this site today, and have been reading around the forums. Left a few of my thoughts on some of them too. I came here for the reason that I have been in an LDR since July of 08, and as of the 21, she called it off.

Here is the history, and the recent, its long cause there is alot.
and cause i get long winded easily.

I have always spent most my time alone, not by force, but by preference. Have been in one relationship before this one, but wasnt love. I married out of highschool cause I was entering the army, and being married more than doubled my pay, as well as allowed her free medical benefits. we were married for about 2 1/2 years before I left, spending the last half year of the army on my own. due to deployment, training, and all the other things that a military life demands, we spent very little time together, and when we were together, not like a normal couple, she usually out with friends, me reading, or tinkering with my cars. we ended on a good note, as friends, cause we both saw that it wasnt love, but money keeping us together, and too much tension when we were around each other. I supported her through this financially, even buying her a $10,000 truck before i deployed so she could have a dependable vehicle for the first time in her life. When we split though, one of the biggest reasons was money, she had no sense of budgeting, and am still paying for the things that she incurred today. Irony, it happens.

I commend you for being wise at a young age. Yeah, money isn't everything.

It was a year before i met the woman I have come to discover what love is. We met online, in a game and it started out pretty odd. One of her friends also had an interest in me, while I had a preference for the woman I know now, the othe woman was alot closer, and i would actually be able to see her. It was finished due to real life things, the othe one had a family, was even married, but seperated. When she told me that she still hoped that her husband would straighten out, and be a decent person again, she would accept him back. With that, I didnt want to come between that. I heard a couple months later that they were back together, and it was a happy ending for her from the bad.

What is love then?

The woman that I got involved with lives in Brazil, while I live in America. So the distance is great. I was out of a job, staying with my parents and helpinging them with he kids and other things to repay them. She works as a nurse in a public hospital, and has to live with her parents because she doesnt make enough to be on her own. We decided to get involved with each other in either may or june. cant remember. I was going for a job as a truck driver, and had to leave for classes at the end of June. I rode my motorcycle from Michigan, to Idaho where the class was, then from there toured a bit, going west till the pacific, and riding US 101 down to San Fran, over to where it is now in Greorgia, with anothe person i met online, but is only a friend. During this time I was able to get ahold of her online, only 5, maybe 7 times, and it went from end of June, all of July, and into the beginning of August. Every day, I would ride up the the Library, and try to get online, being that school had gotten out just before, it would be crowded, and I was limited to 30 minutes at a time, with usually 2 hours or more between when I could be on. When I was travelling, I wasnt able to get ahold of her at all, and the ride back took considerable time. After I did though, I was in Greorgia, and used my friends internet for the few days I could until i had to go out for 7 weeks with a trainer through the months of September and October. During which, I only was able to get ahold of her once or twice.

Isn't Brazil a bit TOO far?! LOL Come on dude, there must be some locals who are as great as her.

After that I was able to afford getting a Laptop, and wireless internet, and was able to get on and talk to her whenever neither of us was busy. I have a built in webcam and mic, so i would use MSN to just talk to her, while she typed. Being an over the road truck driver, I really didnt have much time to be with her online, and when se was working, it was day long, and longer shift. We both have jobs that demand much time from us. I would put it on the seat so she could ride along with me when i drove, but this only happened a couple times, and at night so she really couldnt see much. This only lasted till mid November i believe. At this time, the acount i used to pay for the internet didnt let anything else draw money from it until that truck i bought my ex wife was paid for. I was living on an average budget of 6-8 dollars a day. I could have lowered the payments to the truck, but my personality is the type of where I try to take responsibility for what needs to be done. Whenever we had talked about visiting one or the other, it was understood that it would not be much later till mid, lat 2009 at the earliest. Not for just a visit, but to be able to meet for the first time. Yes, there was sadness, and lots of missing the other through all this, knowing that the few times we could actually get online with each other would be all we had for a long time. But, we kept together. Or so I thought.

During the time I didnt have regular access, I would try to find a wifi signal i could pirate, I was only able to a few times, and was able to get ahold of her only 3, or 4 times. This lasted till a few days ago, When I was able to get the internet reactivated, with a different account, so that it would not go into collections, like everything else i was trying to clear out. The day i get my internet back was February, 21st, the day AFTER her birthday. I missed being with her on christmas, new years, whic is also my birthday, Valentines, and her birthday. The worst time for me to have no access, is the exact time when I dont have it.

All the times we were together online though, things were fine. fun, laughing, and yes, intimate play as well. We have never had a video masturbation, cause she wanted to save that one thing for a real time. but we would to typing sex a couple times. When I finally got back online though, she seemed distant, and I got worried that she was going to say bye, which she kinda did two days later. She said the waiting, being alone, and worrying about me driving a truck, she couldnt take anymore, and she wanted to be happy again. She still wanted me to be around, but as a friend. I asked her, if later, when i could be there for real, if she could give us a second chance, when all the reasons for ending the LDR would not be an issue, and she said she didnt know.

It was like this for two days, I got no sleep, hadnt eaten, just utterly lost and devastated about it. I couldnt see why, when I could give her what she always said she dreamed for, and as far as i could tell, still wanted, without all the pain, and loneliness of long distance, why she couldnt give it a chance later. She told me to stop asking for it, that it would put her back to worrying, I told her then dont worry, be happy and live you life with me as your friend. Even if you get into a realationship with another, I wil hurt, but will be ok, and stay up here, cause I know you are happy. She wouldnt say yes, even when there is no reason to say no. After those three days, she told me, when I asked her again why, to stop asking, cause during that time, she had slept well for once, was happy, not sad at all, joked and laughed, had a good time with friends.
That killed me, made me think that what made her happy was me not being there, just utterly destroyed me. She is the only one I have ever said I love you to, and she was saying good bye, not giving a chance for later, and having no reason why. Some of you know how that is, I am glad the truck was in the shop during this time so iwould not have to drive it anywhere.

You seem quite distraught but you have to see her from her point of view- How realisitic is it for someone from Brazil to move to the U.S?! Maybe she wanted to spare you the pain - she has known all along- she wouldn't move. Is that a possibility?

Finally though, When I was asking talking to her on that third day, trying to find some solace for myself, she told me she had done some cards, and they showed her that it wouldnt work between us, so stop asking. She is a witch, so is most of her family. It is in everything she does, and is who she is. She is a nurst because of her magic, cause she can do healing things. when she told me that the cards had said it wouldnt work, I told her **** that, i cant accept one thing saying no, when everything else she told me said good things. Then she told me that there wasnt just good from before about us, that there was bad too, but she just didnt tell me. I had always asked her, tell me things, so i can understand, and be honest, even if its bad, and dont spare me, cause atleast i will know that its true. When she told me that the magic had said bad things before, I was even worse out, completely lost then. and a bit irritated, before then i wasnt, just beyond sad, trying to find out why she would give up on her dreams. When i asked her, how bad was it then that it is telling you to leave me, to give up on you dreams of being happy with someone. she wouldnt say.

You are calling this woman that you love so much a "witch" and calling her family members witches as well? That is ludicrous. You can't be serious. Were you drunk when you typed this?

I have always tried to follow one thing in my life, to not give up. to always try for what is worth attaining. I have walked up the Rocky mountains twice from a small town, 23 miles that walk was, cause the cain had broke on the motorcycle. I have walked for a day and a half in Death Valley, and the surrounding area, In Mid august mind you, cause of a Flat tire. I could have gotten a bus ticket and left my motocycle behind both times, but i couldnt. I love that bike, and cant get rid of it so easy. That determination to not give up on the good things is the cornerstone of my life. I have lost all the things i have ever owned, with the exception of that bike, a car, and my childhood things, that my mother still has for the kids up there now. Everything i own fits into a single duffel back, and i had that one bag with me on that bike. And its now in this truck. Frequently that country song, carrying your love with me is in my head, cause that was how i felt. I place little value on material things. Its replaceable. And the only thing that kept me going through the dark times, was knowing that down that road, she could be in my arms. That i could be there, and make her happy. I could wait forever for her, Patience i have always had. When she told me though, that she didnt want to be a couple, just a friend, and couldnt give me a chance for later, it was her asking me to give up, to quit. She was asking me to deny who i am. And when she couldnt tell my what her magic had said, it was tearing me apart.

Wow, I wish I could meet a guy (that I liked of course) who was as persistent and adamant as you. This sounds like a script fit for Hollywood. It sounds terribly romantic yet pitiful. Are you sure she felt as strongly at the beginning?

I would do anything for her. never wanted to hurt her, so when she said, no more couple, i let her be, but still asked for later, so i could have my peace of mind. She wouldnt let me have it. I think, and hope, I know why now. She had told me long ago, and a few times other, that she get scared about commitment, about being in a relationship. I think that is what caused her to say no more. I was back, had access again, and soon, the lock on my money will be gone, and I will have all my money to do with as i please. I think she got scared, and when she tried to push me away, any reason tha she gave me for her to hide behind, i found didnt make sense. Finally though, she thought her magic could do that, cause i dont know much about it but i denied that too. That made her very angry, it made her feel like i said it was fake, made her feel like i said she was fake, just pretend. she either blocked me from MSN, or removed me, and removed me as mch as she can on the game we both play. Once, i fergot to check if she was on there when i got on, and when i did, she left.

You would do anything? Why don't you fly to Brazil for Christ's sakes?! The fact that you had some type of relationship with this married woman that was experiencing marital difficulties probably hurt her. When she found out, she must have been heartbroken. How much did you tell her about that? Maybe that would explain her hesitation in being with you. She's afraid you will break her heart too.

That is where we are now. her angry with me, hurt that i said what i did, and her not understanding what i meant by it. I am still stuck, truck not repaired. and i check before getting on the game so i can get on there and talk to a mutual freind, the only person i know that i can talk to that knows her. I come here hoping anyone has any advice that can help me find a way to get her forgiveness, and her to not be so scared. If not that, if the end has come, then at least help me to find a way to continue on with anything. No, im not going to commit suicide or anything. but she is the only reason i have to do this job. only reason i have to get up, and do what is hard, and i hate. cause i knew, thought i knew, and still hope, that one day, at the end of one, i can relax in her arms, and her mine, rather than being alone. There is more to this, better ways for me to explain things, and im sorry its so long. Just wanted to make sure people have the right idea.

Thanks to anyone that reads it. Im just lost right now.

I have some advice - go to Brazil or have her fly up to the U.S (in whichever state you inhabitate) and ask her to marry you . No, in all seriousness, you have to lay it out plain and clear - do something terribly romantic. I can't give you tips on ideas because I don't know her- maybe you can share them here so we can help you.

No, don't commit suicide - talk to someone- even a professional. Life is still beautiful.

I hardly believe this story is 100% legit. It sounds a bit outlandish- a bit like a Tall Tale I've heard in some Toastmasters events I have attended.

If it is indeed 100% truthful, then please accept these *cyber hugs*. I hope it all works out. Your persistence is touching - I hope I meet a man like that one day.

I've underlined the parts of your story which I replied to in bold.

March 1, 2009

explanations, for the above.

about brazil being too far, and arent there any locals. I am a long distance truck driver. I dont have any locals, I have no place I call home, other that the sleeper of my truck. Its kinda hard to see anyone more than when I stop to get a drink.

I didnt assume she would come here, it always was I would go there. I have no family ties here, no real commitment for me to stay if things got that far.

Heh, about her being a witch, I mean it in a literal sense. She practices magic. A real witch. She goes to circles, twice a week usually, and regularly does things for her patients in the hospital she works at. Calling her a witch isnt a bad thing, if its the right kind of witch.

with her feeling as strong at the beginning, she probably felt stronger. I am slow to change things, and the beginning was more of an acknowledgement of mutual liking than an actual even. we started as friends, and things grew.

With that other woman, there wasnt really a relationship, but rather a possibility of one. Did they know? Yes, they were best friends at the time, and both knew the other had an interest in me. It got kindof odd for a while, but finally her husband got ahold of her, and he had improved, was asking for a second chance. So, we all decided to go our ways, she let her husband a second chance, and me an the woman im with, stayed together, and let the feelings we had grow, cause we had not worries about going to deep and hurting someomen else. Heh, she said she was happy the married one liked me, she could laugh, and have fun. Not to mention the ego boost she got off someone almost half her age giving her a serious consideration. It was friends, with a possibility, and all knowing the situation.

One reason i hate money, is because everyone needs it so much. If i could I would have rode my motorcycle down there already. I havent had over $30 for almost three years. At the end of March, i will have everything cleared, and the creditors wont be taking the money from my check before i even get it.

With doing something terribly romantic, going there, or sending a shirt of mine, asking her to come up here, i wish i could do, but, again, i cant even get postage for a letter right now. I frequently only eat 3-4 days out of a week, mostly i drink water mixed with things to keep me going. Kinda like orally taking IV. Surviveable, but not fun. I do it cause I can clear my credit quicker, which will release my paycheck sooner, and then allow me to send her things, or maybe bring her up here.

The suicide thing, heh, dont worry, that wasnt a call for help, or a reasurrance for myself, just didnt want to have someone overly concerned waste their time on me when someone else that really needs the help may miss it. I may lose her, and lose myself, but ill live my days regardless.

and for the legitamacy of it, if you wanted, i could send you the chat logs of the game we spent most of our time, and of MSN. the only time it would be funky is when i was talking to her and she typed. then you could peruse the pure words as they are. Its is a LOOOOng file though, but, yours if you want it.

either way, I plan on going there, one month, two at longest, wether she wants me to or not, so I can either declare my love, and beg her forgiveness in front of her family, baring myself to all, or, hopefully, to thank her for not giving up on me.

Thanks for reading it and offering yer thoughts. Im not entirely coherent right now, sleep dep and loss kinda do that, so sorry for the confusion.

March 1, 2009

And for infor about her, ok.

She is intense, very energetic, outgoing, flirty, practises witchcraft, scared, person.

To expound, I have always been a shy, keep to myself, nerd, geek, dork, greasemonkey, gamer, sociopathic with narcisistic tendencies.

So, when i first met her, after a day of being around her online, i was thinking to myself, wow, she is incredable, way above me. but, i was wrong, i interested her, then, she was interested in me, liked me, and hoped for more. I never heard her say to me that she loves me, I think it is because she is scared of saying it, thinking it will trap her. She has had 5 close relationships before, engaged twice, but ran from all but one of them. The one she didnt run from was the one she opened up to. really let herself be vulnerable, not wary about being hurt, and he left. Which gives me the belief that is the reason behind her wanting to not be a couple with me, but still be friends. She is flirty, but far from bad about it, meaning she will be joking around with others, and if an odd comment comes around, shell step up and joke with it right along. After a few months though, she stopped doing that on the more intimate things, like someone runnig by and smacking her butt, on the game we spent most of out time together that is. she didnt like that from other people after we started to get involved. She is a witch, not the bad kind. Yes, most of her family is too, the do spells, charms, mostly little things that dont have great cost, they stay away from that. Tarot cards, and things like that she does as well. she said she never put any spells on me cause when they would wear out, its not just as easy as doing another one. wont work, and after its gone, it doesnt just go away, but makes things worse than what they were for a longer period of time. The stronger ones like making someone love anothe do anyway. And, she would have known that it wasnt a real love, but fake. Does she worship the devil, no, does it matter if she does, not to me. I love her for who she is, and me asking her to change something is asking her to be someone else. Yes, sometimes a change is needed, like a drinking habit, or some other destructive behavior. But, she doesnt have any that i know of. With her not commiting to people, i think its a universal thing for her, cause she used to dance, not anymore, same with yoga, and alot of other activities she has told me she used to do. Not for a lack of time to do them, just lose interest.

Why dont i go there and ask her to marry me though? Should have answered in the first one, yea, fergot to put here, i ferget things alot. Truly, I dont know her very well. Yea, I love her, want her, need her, but the amount of time we have spent together really isnt that much. Sound like im the one scared of commitment too, i know. But I dont want to again, tarnish the ideal of marraige for something i am not completely sure of. Its a commitment of eternity, of life. I threw that out the window before, and I am not to do it again. It also seems, that to ask someone who is scared of commitment, and right now wont even get online when I am, and when she does, she blocks me so i can tell, isnt a good idea. Asking her to make the ultimate commitment, when the only other time she has, she got spurned, I cant see as working. Only pushing her away more. She already felt like I was holding her.

I am hoping that giving her time to herself will help her, maybe her friends that know both of us can talk to her. others that have been trhough pain, but pushed on only to find the joy beneath can help her through. Selfishly, i hope she can love me, and feel the way i feel for her, but, if she doesnt, and ends up with another, it will hurt, cause im not the one to make her happy, not the one to be there at night, comfortin her and making her relax aftera sore day at work, not the one in there in the morning, letting her know, before the day even starts, that though the night, she is still loved, and that thought the day, she carries anothers love with her. It will hurt knowing im not that one, but I will be ok, cause i know that someone is doing that for her, and that she can feel that way finally. I just hope its me.

Really about her though, I am not too sure about what she has told me. Because of this, i found out that she really hasnt told me alot, jsut superficial things. things like how her workday was, a little of what she did when with a friend. It seems that she really didnt open up for me, didnt let me in, so icouldnt hurt her. And, because i missed everything, she probably feels like i did hurt her, like i dont want to be around her.

I need to be with her, and will, either to hear her say go away, or stay, but i will be there. I know you were hoping for more about her, but I really dont know that much about her little habits and things, just the general stuff. Thats also the reason I cant ask her to marry me right now. I dont know who she truly is, But, I want to find out, cause believe that i will like what i find.

Thanks for the compliment about who i am and the cyber hug. havent had a real one for almost half a year. I only know one person besides family, in real life. that is the girl with my motorcycle. Yes, my SO knows who she is, knows that she has my motorcycle, knows that i was staying at her house a few days. I have told her she is only a friend, only physical thing between us ever was one hug, I also know that it would still bother her. Which is why i told her multiple times, there is nothing there.

Ideas on something terribly romantic, Things that someone with no money can do, would be great. I like that idea, but havent got any myself.

March 1, 2009

Hi there.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

You have said you will go there no matter what.

So I don't think my opinion really will mean much to you.

But she sounds a lot like me in my younger years.

Relationships were great in the beginning when things were new and exciting. I could even commit for months but then, it would just wear out. I didn't really like the idea of the long term commitment and when it became monotonous or routine it would cause a flight/fear response. And I'd bolt.

I left a lot of pain behind for those that couldn't see it coming. It was happen quite suddenly.

Most of my exes were dedicated like you. I became their world. I knew they'd do anything for me.

That just made it worse.

It just made me feel guilt and strangulation at the same time. It drove me further away.

I was just really screwed up and had tremendous fear of abandonment issues among others. I wanted the dream of a life and children, etc.

But my fear was too great and that sense of being locked in to that relationship caused me to shut that down and find any reason at all (even where there was no reason) to break it off completely.

At first I would try to do that somewhat gently. But then when pushed by the other to still try for something it just got more and more harsh.

I am not sure that she is what you have built her up to be. I know you love her truly. But there is much about her psyche that you may not know much about.

Again I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is terribly painful.

Not much is fair in this world.

I know you plan on going there. When you do you must have some resolve to accept whatever happens and do not go there with false hope.

It may turn out to be a great thing. But it also may not.

I am fearful for you. That you will go there with your heart on your sleeve and receive devastating results.

You have a lot to offer someone. You are obviously very loyal and loving. And you are kind.

You deserve someone who is going to cherish your heart and be just as dedicated.

March 1, 2009

"sociopathic with narcisistic tendencies." you don't sound like either. Just my 2 cents.

March 1, 2009

Ahh, the renowned Island Girl. glad to hear from ya.

With what you say about getting bored with it, i can see that, where we met, she has been on for a few years, but she will get bored with one account, so she will cancel it, and make another. Still in the game, but not commited to one thing for too long. Also, with the being scared. That has been shown in her other relationships. I either cant remember, or she didnt tell me about the guys she knew before, but if they werent bad, then it was that she got scared, and left. I dont know how she ended em, but i know she did.

What I have made her out to me, I dont think she is perfect, sorry if I made it sound that way. I know everyone has faults, some are great, some are minor, but we all have them, she does too. She can be needy, I have seen that in her, she is really prissy when it comes to being clean, she takes showers 3 or more times a day at least. She doesnt really commit to things, yes, I knew this before we get close, but I tried to make her at ease, saying, we will let things go as they do, if it get more intimate, great, if not, ok, we can end it, and be happy we had some good times. I dont think that was the reason, she never said it, and had told me many times she still likes me, and wants me around, and had thoughts of being together for a long time as well.

and yes, about her psyche, i dont really know that much about, which is why asking to marry me, to get her back, i dont think would be good, even if it worked, it would put both of us to where we dont want to be. Her to a spot where she would feel she has no choice but to be with me, (how do you get away from someone that has travelled so far to be with you, even in the face of being told no?)and put me in a spot where I know she is only doing it because she feels no choice. Its not marriage then, but a willing desire to spend you time with, and for another, but a forced connection. I dont want something false like that again.

You can put your worry to ease about me not being prepared for rejection if I go there. If she still says no more than, I will know I have done all I could have done. I will know that I have taken away all the reasons that she could say no that she gave me now. Right now, I cant accept her saying no, because it hasnt been given a real chance, because all the reasons she gave me, not only didnt make sense, werent the real reasons. When I go there, I will go with the knowledge that I have done all I can, have given the relationship a new chance. I will have tried, and hearing no will still hurt, but I will be able to accept it.

I am extremely pragmatic, almost always look at things from an outside view with a minimum of biast perception, cause everyone has a bias, its inevitable, and good. If we didnt, everyone would be the same. the Sociopathic I am, but not in an great sense, and it has been lessening over the years. It used to be that I would drive past anyone needing help, not stop, and not care. I would not have any problem talking to someone, finding out they can do something useful, like pirate movies, or do good housework. Generally, some type of useful thing, and only deal with them when it benefitted me, and only kept a facade of friendlyness to keep them on good terms. I dont do that much anymore. I can still easily use people, on small things, but I regret that I do when I realize what im doing, and seek out ways to remedy my actions. I go alot farther than that too, I will stop and pick up random people that I see walking, stop and help anyone that I see that is broke down, or just putting groceries in a vehicle. Due to my looks, and that I frequently ride a big, old, mostly black motorcycle usually, and have that stereo typical bad biker look, very few accept my assistance, but I know that I tried. Being Narcissistic, oo, so easily can I get sucked into thoughts of superiority. It usually starts as a daydream about something, but if im not careful, and keep track of myself, it can easily lead to some bad bahavior on my part. Again, it is lessening over the years. Having your entire life reduced to a single bag on the back of a motorcycle, while you look at the universe in the middle of Death Valley, knowing yer the only person around for only about 30 miles, but not having any indication that people exist, except for the road, is very humbling. I would recommend it to anyone.

Thank you both for the compliments, Island Girl, thanks for the thoughts, they carry weight here, and I have seen that they ring true when they are given to others.

March 1, 2009

Hi again.

I didn't mean to imply that you do not see her imperfections. I believe that you do but you have still put her in a separate place - not necessarily a pedestal but close.

Did you believe in magic before you knew her? Do you believe now?

Or is this something you accepted as part of her. And if so what else have you accepted about her that possibly you wouldn't have in someone else?

Have you changed your mind about things you had fairly strong convictions of because of her or her beliefs?

You are so eloquent and thoughtful in your prose.

It speaks volumes about who you are in your heart.

That sounds so cheesy, doesn't it?

But it is true.

And we all have that ability to be terrible to others.

Look at my history. I was a very confused young woman and I was not fair to others.

But I have grown into a different person. A better person who is thoughtful of others.

My husband has taught me so much about being humble and faithful. But it was the time I spent alone - by choice - with no man in my life that had the greatest impact.

She may have issues like I did that are a barrier to real intimacy or commitment.

If so, then you can not help her. No one can. It is something she needs to resolve within herself.

In your case, the advice is the same as it would be if she lived near you - and you lived in a permanent location - that you need to go NC. You need to separate from her and give her a chance to miss you.

If she has you as a friend and gets the exact same support as she does in a relationship with you only with no relationship how's she going to miss what you bring to her life?

You also need the NC for you. Although I worry for you because you already have so much alone time.

Not being wrapped up in the follow up will give you a step back for perspective.

My heart just aches for you my friend.

You are so ready to have someone in your life who loves you. You are ready to love and be loved.

I just hate to hear that you will stay committed to this - to her - and put forth all of this effort when it could be better spent elsewhere.

But in the end I guess we all do what we need to.

Thank you for the kind things that you have said about me.

I know how tough it can be to be alone with your thoughts too much - believe me!!

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to just have more of a "chat" type conversation.

I really am pulling for you and I do hope the best for your happiness whatever that may be.

March 1, 2009

Yea, its hard to see that someone would be better than her. I dont meet many people, harder to now due to the job. Only people I interact with on a regular basis, are online. I know that its not the most healthy thing, but, its me. I used to be long distance cyclist, and living in michigan, riding touring bikes on ice covered roads is quite a challenge. Spent most of my other time buried in a book, and reading about nuclear theory, and being interested in such a topic, when in grade school kind of alienates a person from the norm of social society. So, the few times I ever had a friend with someone, I usually ended up as just a close friend, never anything more. Ones that might have been more, werent interested in anything long distance. Too much trouble for them. I havent really been looking for a relationship, but have always been open to it. When things started progressing with her, I was just floating, cause someone thought it could be more, and wanted to find out. First real love yaknow. So yea, I hope for the best with her, do think that she is more than I could ever expect, but I still wear my hat, always have, and will set it down only when there is no doubt left. It may seem odd, about what I have here, trying to keep her, but, i dont want to give up, hard to. I want to give it its full chance, and how to deal with a confusing woman.. heh.

With her being a witch, is it any different then someone of a different religion? Just because its not popularly accepted, doesnt really change things. Its a matter of faith, and do I believe it? Dont know. I cant judge that which I dont know. She hasnt really told me too much about it, so I cant say one way or another. I only know what i have read from books, and thats not much. So, I had asked her about it, but I am guessing that her not telling me much about it was a way for her to protect herself, preventing me from getting too close.

Did I change anything for her, no, it doesnt bother me for someone to be other than the norm. Did I change my convictions, no. I enjoy the differences that people bring with them. Yes, I knew she was before we got close, its not something she flaunts, or puts out there, but we got to talking about things. Especially online, one must be prepared for things they dont normally find. I tell her it doesnt bother me, and to tell me about it becuase its such a big part of her.

She told me right off, that she gets scared easy, so I told her to not worry about it with me, just take it easy, and let it come as we go. but she started telling me more, about what she wants, and not so much about her. I would ask at times, press for something personal, just got partials. I dunno, just weary right now.

With the way i talk about things sometimes, I found out using other than the norm phrases in speech will draw attention to what is being said, as well as keeping a wide variety in the vocabulary. I imagine its due to my typically solitude nature, but I have always tried to hear what people say, and give then an ear. I found out there is alot people will say when they find someone that will listen. Sometimes, like now, its kinda turned around. So thanks for the ear.

March 1, 2009

Yea, its hard to see that someone would be better than her. I dont meet many people, harder to now due to the job. Only people I interact with on a regular basis, are online. I know that its not the most healthy thing, but, its me. I used to be long distance cyclist, and living in michigan, riding touring bikes on ice covered roads is quite a challenge. Spent most of my other time buried in a book, and reading about nuclear theory, and being interested in such a topic, when in grade school kind of alienates a person from the norm of social society.

Bookworm - yes, indeed that is very much an isolating and solitary activity. Don't change who you are - if anything, we need more people who don't belong to the "norm". I personally like blending in with the rest of society but keeping my individuality at the same time. It can be quite a challenge to juggle that type of identity! I don't know how people with mulitiple personalities manage it.

So, the few times I ever had a friend with someone, I usually ended up as just a close friend, never anything more. Ones that might have been more, werent interested in anything long distance. Too much trouble for them. I havent really been looking for a relationship, but have always been open to it. When things started progressing with her, I was just floating, cause someone thought it could be more, and wanted to find out. First real love yaknow. So yea, I hope for the best with her, do think that she is more than I could ever expect, but I still wear my hat, always have, and will set it down only when there is no doubt left. It may seem odd, about what I have here, trying to keep her, but, i dont want to give up, hard to. I want to give it its full chance, and how to deal with a confusing woman.. heh.

You sound super sweet. I can't think of anything more flattering than a guy who is so persistent (at least if I like him too otherwise it seems like stalking lol) If it doesn't work out with her Nicodaemous, give me a call. I have an idea- why don't you tell her you are posting here and tell her to read your threads?

With her being a witch, is it any different then someone of a different religion? Just because its not popularly accepted, doesnt really change things. Its a matter of faith, and do I believe it? Dont know. I cant judge that which I dont know. She hasnt really told me too much about it, so I cant say one way or another. I only know what i have read from books, and thats not much. So, I had asked her about it, but I am guessing that her not telling me much about it was a way for her to protect herself, preventing me from getting too close.

Wow - you sound super tolerant. It's nice to know some men are still willing to accept a woman with different points of views. You see- from what I observed, many men will date women that their friends or family approve of. As soon as a woman seems "abnormal" , most men will drop the woman like a hot potato out of fear that their friends or family will reject them. :rolleyes:That is not real love.

Did I change anything for her, no, it doesnt bother me for someone to be other than the norm. Did I change my convictions, no. I enjoy the differences that people bring with them. Yes, I knew she was before we got close, its not something she flaunts, or puts out there, but we got to talking about things. Especially online, one must be prepared for things they dont normally find. I tell her it doesnt bother me, and to tell me about it becuase its such a big part of her.

That's lovely. Don't change, Nicodaemous. Be true to yourself- that is the most important lesson of life. I've learned that I have to love people for who they are and not for the potential they can become because most of the time, people won't change for you - that is real love. real love is accepting someone's idiosyncrasies because if you don't, then it isn't genuine love.

She told me right off, that she gets scared easy, so I told her to not worry about it with me, just take it easy, and let it come as we go. but she started telling me more, about what she wants, and not so much about her. I would ask at times, press for something personal, just got partials. I dunno, just weary right now.

You have to address the issue - why is she scared? Was she emotionally badly scarred by someone?

With the way i talk about things sometimes, I found out using other than the norm phrases in speech will draw attention to what is being said, as well as keeping a wide variety in the vocabulary. I imagine its due to my typically solitude nature, but I have always tried to hear what people say, and give then an ear. I found out there is alot people will say when they find someone that will listen. Sometimes, like now, its kinda turned around. So thanks for the ear.

Again - just underlined different passages of your writing and wrote my opinion in bold.

March 1, 2009

Ahh, the renowned Island Girl. glad to hear from ya.

With what you say about getting bored with it, i can see that, where we met, she has been on for a few years, but she will get bored with one account, so she will cancel it, and make another. Still in the game, but not commited to one thing for too long. Also, with the being scared. That has been shown in her other relationships. I either cant remember, or she didnt tell me about the guys she knew before, but if they werent bad, then it was that she got scared, and left. I dont know how she ended em, but i know she did.

Not everyone enjoys sharing past relationship experiences with a new boyfriend/girlfriend. With enough patience, she might open up to you. The worst thing to do is to pressure someone.

What I have made her out to me, I dont think she is perfect, sorry if I made it sound that way. I know everyone has faults, some are great, some are minor, but we all have them, she does too. She can be needy, I have seen that in her, she is really prissy when it comes to being clean, she takes showers 3 or more times a day at least. She doesnt really commit to things, yes, I knew this before we get close, but I tried to make her at ease, saying, we will let things go as they do, if it get more intimate, great, if not, ok, we can end it, and be happy we had some good times. I dont think that was the reason, she never said it, and had told me many times she still likes me, and wants me around, and had thoughts of being together for a long time as well.

That is very mature of you - accepting that someone is not perfect yet still loving them is true love.

What type of things does she not commit to?

Maybe she doesn't want to be intimate because when she was intimate with other guys, she felt hurt? Or is it possible that she is a virgin and doesn't want to be pressured?

and yes, about her psyche, i dont really k now that much about, which is why asking to marry me, to get her back, i dont think would be good, even if it worked, it would put both of us to where we dont want to be. Her to a spot where she would feel she has no choice but to be with me, (how do you get away from someone that has travelled so far to be with you, even in the face of being told no?)and put me in a spot where I know she is only doing it because she feels no choice. Its not marriage then, but a willing desire to spend you time with, and for another, but a forced connection. I dont want something false like that again.

You can put your worry to ease about me not being prepared for rejection if I go there. If she still says no more than, I will know I have done all I could have done. I will know that I have taken away all the reasons that she could say no that she gave me now. Right now, I cant accept her saying no, because it hasnt been given a real chance, because all the reasons she gave me, not only didnt make sense, werent the real reasons. When I go there, I will go with the knowledge that I have done all I can, have given the relationship a new chance. I will have tried, and hearing no will still hurt, but I will be able to accept it.

You need to tell her how deeply you love her. I admire you for being so brave to confront her directly. Are you going to fly to Brazil to talk to her? Only a real man will meet such a challenge. At least you can die in peace one day- knowing you tried and took all your chances. A life without risks is a life not lived.

I am extremely pragmatic, almost always look at things from an outside view with a minimum of biast perception, cause everyone has a bias, its inevitable, and good. If we didnt, everyone would be the same. the Sociopathic I am, but not in an great sense, and it has been lessening over the years. It used to be that I would drive past anyone needing help, not stop, and not care. I would not have any problem talking to someone, finding out they can do something useful, like pirate movies, or do good housework. Generally, some type of useful thing, and only deal with them when it benefitted me, and only kept a facade of friendlyness to keep them on good terms. I dont do that much anymore. I can still easily use people, on small things, but I regret that I do when I realize what im doing, and seek out ways to remedy my actions. I go alot farther than that too, I will stop and pick up random people that I see walking, stop and help anyone that I see that is broke down, or just putting groceries in a vehicle. Due to my looks, and that I frequently ride a big, old, mostly black motorcycle usually, and have that stereo typical bad biker look, very few accept my assistance, but I know that I tried. Being Narcissistic, oo, so easily can I get sucked into thoughts of superiority. It usually starts as a daydream about something, but if im not careful, and keep track of myself, it can easily lead to some bad bahavior on my part. Again, it is lessening over the years. Having your entire life reduced to a single bag on the back of a motorcycle, while you look at the universe in the middle of Death Valley, knowing yer the only person around for only about 30 miles, but not having any indication that people exist, except for the road, is very humbling. I would recommend it to anyone.

You don't sound like a sociopath to me. You sound really sweet.

Everyone is narcisstic to a certain degree. :rolleyes:We all have Egos- anyone who says not, is either the Dalai Lama or God. lol Hopefully, with age and experience, we become more giving to others...it sounds like you are biking on the right path.

Thank you both for the compliments, Island Girl, thanks for the thoughts, they carry weight here, and I have seen that they ring true when they are given to others.

More responses with emoticons- I love those. lol I laugh a lot - and I like to run...Laughing Cheetah. lol I was tired when I made this account last night- I meant to use Laughing Hyena as my ID name but somehow, my mind was very tired and fixated on cheetahs (cheetahs are not known for laughing lol).

March 2, 2009

She didnt tell me about her past men right away, it was a few months before she finally told me, and only after I told her about my past woman. I guess she had trouble I was only involved with one woman before her in my life. No highschool flings, nothing like that. Yea, there were girls that drew my eye, but i never made a move. After I told about my past relationship, She told me about hers. I remember that she told me she had been close 5 times before, but always left before it got real close, except twice. one of the times, she was even engaged to be married twice, one time though, even though he was ready, wanted kids, everything, she didnt. The other time, I dont remember if she let herself open up, and got hurt, or what. but she told me she was ready to have kids, be with him for life, but i dont remember how it ended.

For her not committing, since I have known her, she has been in yoga, but stopped, used to do dancing, stopped, there were other things she told me, but i cant remember.

And I dont know how things went in the intamacy area of her past life. I never wanted to push her too far in asking about her personal life. I was hoping that letting her come to me, with occasional pulls, would make her feel at ease, and help her to open up to me. And, unless she has been lying to me about everything, which I dont believe, and only has an extremely small chance of being true, she is not a virgin. She has said that she never felt that connection during, or after sex. Never had that intamacy, the afterglow. Maybe that is part of her being scared about relationships, wanting that special feeling, but never getting it. I can understand that entirely. I have only been with two women ever, and never enjoyed it, never had that satisfaction.

I think i was a little too persistant with her though. A long while ago, about a month into it, we went to Google earth, or one of the other prgrams you can see a satallite image, and we told each other where we were. I told her first, and it was up to her to tell me where she lived. She did, tell me. The other day though, when everything came down. At the end i told her, she has told me where she lived, so when i finally get the money together, ill be down there, to hear you either say goodbye, or hello. She took that as me being a stalker. She forgot that she told me where she lived. This is the reason that she feels so hurt right now. Why, whenever i got on the site we were on together, if she was on there, she would just leave. being that she was already drawn away from me, and already scared of getting close, it was exactly the wrong thing to say at the time. Maybe though, it will work out in the long run, I hope it does, but for now, its been about 4 days, and she still wont be anywhere near me, online that is.

Right now, I am going through an email im sending to her friend that has been helping me understand what is going on with her emotions. She isnt violating her trust, or anything, and I know how much or a rare boon i have, being able to get inside information, but mostly, im getting that she needs time, that she is hurt. All I want right now, at least, is to stop the shaking that sets in sometimes, to stop this pain in my chest, body, everywhere, to not have to burn myself out with weariness just to get some sleep. I know she needs her space, I have no problem giving it to her, and i want her to be happy, and be able to trust again.

But, I want some solace for myself. Even if she does want to get back together, what am I to do till then, what about me? Yea, its a bit selfish, but I dont think it is asking for my bit of peace. Two people are in a relationship, and this time, two are hurt.

Heh, thanks for the vote of interest, even if it is just to make me feel better, but I always heard, rebound time is not a good time to start things, but yea, check back here on occasion to find out what happens. If it all goes to nothing, I wont be looking for anyone anytime soon, but who knows what the future holds for people.

Why is she so scared of commitment? I dont really know, its one of the things I have in the email. One of the things that I will be asking for her to tell me. It will be hard for her to open up that much. It will be asking her to expose herself to me after i hurt her. Dont doubt though, I will be tellingher exactly how she made me feel, exactly where she put me. there will be no one siding, all will be put out by me, with the hope, that by me putting myself out, for her, it will help her come out of hiding.

By her first request of me to stop being a couple,and just a freind, she took all I gave to her away, by telling me that she didnt want a chance at her dreams later,she took away the purpose that i held myself to, to not give up. She asked me to give up my time with her, and to give up being who I am. I dont think she knows just haw far she ruined me, so right now I am writing an email explaining everything about the things that have passed between us. from beginning to end, ther has been a lack of comunication. its a fatal mistake in a normal relationship, even more so in a long distance, which is why im rather worried. But, the email will be going to her friend she and i have been talking to. She has become a kind of a moderator between us, telling me how she is really feeling, and i dont know what she is telling her about me, I can only hope she has it right.

I hope things will work, I always do, but it also seems to be a longshot. I wont be asking her to restart a realationship right away. Merely asking her my origina request. Giving it a chance later. when it wont be long distance. I hope for the best, expect the worst( for it usually ends up that way) and try for all i have, to get everything i can get. terrible luck follows me, always has. Im used to it, but i still dont like it.

There will be more, but it may be a week or so till I get a response back from her, Ill still be checking around here, and responding to what yall have. Thanks everyone.

March 2, 2009

She didnt tell me about her past men right away, it was a few months before she finally told me, and only after I told her about my past woman. I guess she had trouble I was only involved with one woman before her in my life. No highschool flings, nothing like that. Yea, there were girls that drew my eye, but i never made a move. After I told about my past relationship, She told me about hers. I remember that she told me she had been close 5 times before, but always left before it got real close, except twice. one of the times, she was even engaged to be married twice, one time though, even though he was ready, wanted kids, everything, she didnt. The other time, I dont remember if she let herself open up, and got hurt, or what. but she told me she was ready to have kids, be with him for life, but i dont remember how it ended.

This girl sounds like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. lol Are you sure she isn't bipolar? Some women with bipolar move from one city to another and can never remain in one relationship.

For her not committing, since I have known her, she has been in yoga, but stopped, used to do dancing, stopped, there were other things she told me, but i cant remember.

And I dont know how things went in the intamacy area of her past life. I never wanted to push her too far in asking about her personal life. I was hoping that letting her come to me, with occasional pulls, would make her feel at ease, and help her to open up to me. And, unless she has been lying to me about everything, which I dont believe, and only has an extremely small chance of being true, she is not a virgin. She has said that she never felt that connection during, or after sex. Never had that intamacy, the afterglow. Maybe that is part of her being scared about relationships, wanting that special feeling, but never getting it. I can understand that entirely. I have only been with two women ever, and never enjoyed it, never had that satisfaction.

Yes, getting attached is scary. That's why some women hesitate from having sex too soon in a relationship. Maybe she's had some heartbreaks you don't know about.

I think i was a little too persistant with her though. A long while ago, about a month into it, we went to Google earth, or one of the other prgrams you can see a satallite image, and we told each other where we were. I told her first, and it was up to her to tell me where she lived. She did, tell me. The other day though, when everything came down. At the end i told her, she has told me where she lived, so when i finally get the money together, ill be down there, to hear you either say goodbye, or hello. She took that as me being a stalker. She forgot that she told me where she lived. This is the reason that she feels so hurt right now. Why, whenever i got on the site we were on together, if she was on there, she would just leave. being that she was already drawn away from me, and already scared of getting close, it was exactly the wrong thing to say at the time. Maybe though, it will work out in the long run, I hope it does, but for now, its been about 4 days, and she still wont be anywhere near me, online that is.

Right now, I am going through an email im sending to her friend that has been helping me understand what is going on with her emotions. She isnt violating her trust, or anything, and I know how much or a rare boon i have, being able to get inside information, but mostly, im getting that she needs time, that she is hurt. All I want right now, at least, is to stop the shaking that sets in sometimes, to stop this pain in my chest, body, everywhere, to not have to burn myself out with weariness just to get some sleep. I know she needs her space, I have no problem giving it to her, and i want her to be happy, and be able to trust again.

I think you aren't telling the whole story here. I find it really strange how she is avoiding you. Did you tell or do something to breach the trust in your relationship? Maybe she heard something about you through this mutual friend - things that weren't true about you -and who knows? Maybe this mutual friend actually likes you and lies to this girl so she loses interest in you. How do you even know for sure that she is friends with this person - since she is so far away you have no clue. It's never a good idea to go through a third party. Be a man, damn it!

But, I want some solace for myself. Even if she does want to get back together, what am I to do till then, what about me? Yea, its a bit selfish, but I dont think it is asking for my bit of peace. Two people are in a relationship, and this time, two are hurt.

Heh, thanks for the vote of interest, even if it is just to make me feel better, but I always heard, rebound time is not a good time to start things, but yea, check back here on occasion to find out what happens. If it all goes to nothing, I wont be looking for anyone anytime soon, but who knows what the future holds for people.

Why don't you test the waters? Tell this girl that you are feeling awfully lonely and have been thinking about checking out online dating sites? Then you can see how she reacts... You said it was tough for you to meet new women because you are always on the road- why haven't you considered checking out online dating services? I know it's not ideal, but for someone who is unsettled (because of work) as you are, it could be a good avenue.

Why is she so scared of commitment? I dont really know, its one of the things I have in the email. One of the things that I will be asking for her to tell me. It will be hard for her to open up that much. It will be asking her to expose herself to me after i hurt her. Dont doubt though, I will be tellingher exactly how she made me feel, exactly where she put me. there will be no one siding, all will be put out by me, with the hope, that by me putting myself out, for her, it will help her come out of hiding.

Now that's a real MAN with testosterone talking...lol Bravo!

By her first request of me to stop being a couple,and just a freind, she took all I gave to her away, by telling me that she didnt want a chance at her dreams later,she took away the purpose that i held myself to, to not give up. She asked me to give up my time with her, and to give up being who I am. I dont think she knows just haw far she ruined me, so right now I am writing an email explaining everything about the things that have passed between us. from beginning to end, ther has been a lack of comunication. its a fatal mistake in a normal relationship, even more so in a long distance, which is why im rather worried. But, the email will be going to her friend she and i have been talking to. She has become a kind of a moderator between us, telling me how she is really feeling, and i dont know what she is telling her about me, I can only hope she has it right.

You make it sound like you actually had a relationship in person by the way you write here. No one can take away anything from you. Don't forget that. No one should tell someone to give up who they are - that's not love.

In what way did she "ruin" you? Did she bad mouth about you to common friends of yours? Did she call your boss? Steal? Take away your kids? (if you had any)You make it sound like all of your happiness depended on her- that's not healthy. Never depend on someone to give you happiness. Make your own happiness and share it otherwise you will continually be setting yourself up for disappointment. I know how it feels when you think someone has "ruined" you...but believe me no one can really ruin you. It's all a state of mind.

Yes, it does sound like there are communication problems. Look bro - I don't understand how you can love someone when there are communication problems...can you explain that?!

I hope things will work, I always do, but it also seems to be a longshot. I wont be asking her to restart a realationship right away. Merely asking her my origina request. Giving it a chance later. when it wont be long distance. I hope for the best, expect the worst( for it usually ends up that way) and try for all i have, to get everything i can get. terrible luck follows me, always has. Im used to it, but i still dont like it.

That is wise. Be friends again and then let destiny map out the rest of your life. How can you be holding on to a chance of something happening when it won't be long distance? Has she said she would be moving to the US? This sounds crazy. What is the likelihood of a Brazilian nurse wanting to move to the US? I would think it would be complicated for her to be licensed and she would need strong motives to make such a big move.

Yes, it is good to hope for the best and don't think that something which doesn't work out is because bad luck follows you everywhere. There is a good reason why something "bad" happens- it can actually be something good in disguise.

I think you need to renew your faith...you have to believe in something greater than life instead of thinking "terrible lucks follows me everywhere and always has" - what terrible luck are you talking about? You make it sound like you are a paralyzed war veteran or a lonely blinded man waiting for death to take him away. What was so terrible in your life for you to make such a powerful statement?

I really feel sorry for you because I have felt as badly as you have but I always think of those who are less fortunate than me and it puts things in perspective. Having a loved one to travel through life side by side with me sounds like a beautiful plan but sometimes, life has other projects in mind. You have to accept and be at peace with your blessings and not your losses.

If you love everyone around you- your teachers, co-workers, etc. then everyone will radiate that love back to you. It's the law of the universe- Newton's Third Law of Motion: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you want love, give love. I get so much happiness from the love I get by those around me- and I don't mean love in the romantic sense but love in the purest form - unconditionally loving life and feeling thankful every day for the simple things- my health, my freedom, my family and my friends.

Good luck, buddy.

There will be more, but it may be a week or so till I get a response back from her, Ill still be checking around here, and responding to what yall have. Thanks everyone.

I hope my advice helps. I'm a novice psychologist. lol

March 2, 2009

heh, its hard for me to be coherent on such broad topics. but I will try to explain the questions you have.

She may be bipolar, but I dont think that is it, she hasnt really had any indicators of shifting behavior or anything like that. Just follows a pattern with her ralationships. gets in, gets closer, and bugs out. Its getting closer to the time i would be able to get there. another month, and i will be able to start saving for a trip. Cold feet? getting creeped that something that seemed so far, is finally getting closer. especially after so myur time apart from eachother, with no contact at all. It hurt her, made her feel like I didnt care for her, and that she was the one that needed to be strong. I found that out today, but for as long as she had to be away from me, is the same amount of time I had to be away from her. I dont have the network of friends that she does to help keep me feeling alright. I didnt have anyone to turn to the help me through a hard day.

Breaching her trust, possibly. For some people, it might have not been as big a deal, but the way she took it was being scared. We both know where the other person lives, I guess she forgot that we told each other that. The last day we were around each other, this is the text copied from the messenger. there is sooo much more, obviously, but this is the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.

Daniel(me) yea, i think you are afraid of getting hurt

daniel that you have been nefore, and yp keeping me here, you wont

be hurt anymore than you already have though

her bye dan

her had nuff for the day

me so you know

her as ye said stuff aint keeping me here anymore

me you already showed me whereyou live, where you work

me i know how to get there

me no, this is not a threat

her so?

me but so you know, if you magic say i cant get there

her ok, now you pushing too much

me if they say ill fail, like everyhing else i have tried

me im not saying i dont believe

her i dont want ye in my life

me but everything has a limit

her i dont want to see ye in streets

her i dont want to talk to ye anymore

her i dont want to see ye in anywhere

her get away from me

her get away from my life

her forget me

her forget all

me goodbye ana

that is exact, word for word the last things that passed between us. wasnt able to copy it from the messenger list, but that is it, unaltered. and today i found out, through the friend, that she feels scared more than anything. like her safety has been violated. That i have become more of a stalker to her. cause i said too much at the end there. I dont think the third party has any personal interest im me. if she is sabotaging us, I am sending the email to both women, my love first, so she has it, and the friend. I can talk to her when she immediately logs off the instant i get on. I dont have a chance to ask her to talk, or even listen. the friend says she has been in this same situation before, LDR, things messed up. I think she may be a bit biased toward my others feelings, because she was there listening to her when i wasnt around, so i may be looking like the bad guy. It will be taking me a couple days to finish this email I will be sending, an by that time, we will have had no contact with each other for a week. I dont mind too much going throught the third party, because I can get insight into what y other is thinking. It is a great boon, but also imparts a great amount of trust in the third party. I see no reason she would muddle against us, or just me. She seems to be genuinely concerned about us, which i hope.

she already had concerns that she didnt voice about me and other people. she had been worried about things. She had also told me its healthy for men to have women, even if its just a phsical thing, like a one night stand. I would always tell her, im not interested in dating around. and one night stands dont satisfy anything. sex is nothing without that intimacy, that connection. I want her to find she can trust and open up to me, i dont want to tell her to give me a chance, and follow it by saying, oh by the way, let me know if you are gonna get onto messenger, cause i dont want my girlfiend to be bothered by having you around.. yea.. dont want to even find out if pulling the jealousy out on her will work... I see it as only drawing her shut even harder, and making her bitter torwards me, and maybe torwards relationships in general.

Just because we have never met, and it is an LDR, doesnt mean that put any less effort or feeling into it than i would otherwise. No, she didnt do anything to me physically, i dont think she knew what she was saying affected me the way it did, and it wasnt very long before she broke all contact with me, to its current state. I felt something, but couldnt put it to words. I was just trying to find out why she would give up on the dreams she would tell me about. If there was a reason, i could have understood, would be hurt, but ok. but she couldnt give me anything. She was just scared, and couldnt admit it, I dont know why.

I do place alor of my happiness dependent on her, yea, but the way I am, in the morning when its cold, the traffic is horrid, weather is iced everywhere, and i gotta head into a major city, with no directions. I am glad to get out of bed. because i know that every mile i drive brought me closer to seeing her finally. before her, i hated getting up, dragged it on, and only did what i had to, but if they were short staffed, i would stay, late, not for the pay( i never checked to see if i was getting paid for my time) but cause it gave me something to do.

No, she didnt ruin me in the sense of turning me off to anyone, or anything, but its about the best way i can think of describing how i felt, like a ruin of an old castle, just empty and useless, yea, its just a state of mind, it will pass, but its hard. yes, there has been a lack of communication, but i was hoping that things wouldnt be ending, so she could open up, and we could get more into things personal. deeper into things, and open up the communication for a good, connection. but, i didnt expect it to be ended. i knew she was sad, knew she was lonely, i was too, i just didnt know that was the way she felt. any time i asked her, she never told me how she truly felt. I can say i love her, cause of that infamous line, she makes me want to be a better man. I can get up, and start that terrible day with a smile on my face, and a song in my mind, cause i know that every mile is a little more pay. bringing me closer to being able to get down there. thats how i can love someone i dont know, it was growing, i thought, and getting better, just took time.

It seems people assume that she would be comeing up here. she is close to her family, has friends down there she is close with. we have talked about her coming up, but after i have been down there. its easier for me to travel than it is for her. I have no commitment to staying here. Only reason that i even stayed in the US, when i started this driving, was cause i couldnt get into any jobs down there. Otherwise I would have packed the bike and have been there since June last year.

with the luck thing. I forget things easily. I always had to put my keys, wallet, and anything else i needed on a daily basis in my upside down hat the night before so i wouldnt forget it in the morning. always, the day that i needed my id for an inspection, or needed to be there early, either one of the cats, or the (at the time) wife would move my stuff, and I coulnt find it. from just little things like that to bigger things. After a month at a job, I had picked up a 97 cavalier. I did a little work to it to give it better power and mileage, but after giving someone a rid back into town, i was turning around in a driveway. country roads, with the big drainage ditches along the sides, with it being about 11pm, there was already dew on the ground. I was perpendicular across the road at the time, with my fron wheels on the dirt, but i went just a bit too far, cause the car wouldnt back up, i looked around, nobody was coming, and turned on the 4 way, and inside light. my phone rang, and as soon as i said, Hello, my car got T boned. the little highschool girl had the brand new neon that har parents had bought her. she hit me hard enough to push both passenger side doors of my car into the middle of it. me in the driver seat could easily rest my elbow on the passenger door. the girl didnt see me cause she didnt have high beams on, didnt hit the brakes, and was driving that fast because it was late, and she wanted to get home quickly because her lights didnt work well... that was her recorded statement to the insurance agency. the next day i got the title in the mail for my car. and i had left a gas station about 8 minutes before getting hit, of course after filling. the car i i got to replace that one, i replaced the engine, clutch, brakes, fuel lines tank, radiator, fully reconditioned the interior, and body. the day i finish it, was snowing heavily, and i didnt live near plowed roads at the time. if yall live in snow, ya know the kind of ruts that develop that pull your car around.. my car has been made much lighter, and had bad tires. causeing me to slide off the road, and getting stuck when only going about 23 or so. in less than 8 hours of it there, some kids came by, broke everywindow, stole the $600 dollars worth of craftsman tools in the back, poured coolant into the oil, stole tha battery, and tore up the inside. and had the nice touch to add ha ha, and a swear word down the sides. there are many more times i can tell, but that is another forum.

yea, i offer myself to myself to anyone, with open happiness and helpful kindness, but i dont spend much time with people, heh. Self impsed solitude, yea. I have been around dating sites before, talked to a few women, even met a few, but things usually petered out. I dont think its an odd thing, heck, i met this woman in an online game. yes, i do know that its not just her messing with me in the game, that i can be sure of.

I wouldnt mind having a friend, especially a woman, but right now, i dont want to add anything that may greatly affect what is going on now. there are too many elements going on as it is, adding another woman... only if this fails. More than anything, i just miss being in the presence of a woman, being able to hug em. i like to cuddle, and that comfort time means alot to me. the rare times me and the ex did get cosy, and cuddle an such, i loved that security, that comfort. I only had a little taste of it, but i liked what i got, and wish for it back. right now, could really use a shoulder to cry on, a real one. preferably hers, but i know that wont happen so soon.

Sorry about these getting so long, i rant and ramble, anyway, but usually not this long. thanks again for yer time.

March 2, 2009

ok, just a short one here. I got the first 22 years of my life put down, only 2 more years to fill in. These last years though, are going to take the longest, partly because they are freshest in my mind, and because they are the time that involves her. if anyone is intrested in ALOT more reading, i can put it in here, so yall can look at it and see if there are areas i should explain further, i wouldnt mind. it may help me, by having a womans opinion, about what needs to be heard. i dunno, being here has been a help alot. I already sent the address to her for this site, and the third party has it as well, i just hope she actually came here and is reading things. I really hope she starts a thread herself, and can open herself up to yall so she can get past the fear of commitment. More hope, ah well, yea, its not the most healthy thing, but i also understand that I can lose everything im hoping for. I cant PM anyone on here yet i guess, gotta be an established member for that first apparently, so, thanks for the offers, but ah well. if yall know aother way, would be fine, but right now, its early, and i need to get some sleep, and a pizza when i get up. I have a method to slow down my mind, keep myself from freeking out too badly, and for too long. its merely pushing myself till my body says, you fall asleep....... now. and i just get so tired, i cant think, i just go back to my bed, get in and sleep for about a day or so. then, when i wake up, there are two primary thoghts for a couple hours, getting to a bathroom, getting cleaned up, and getting a decent meal. it wears out the mind, making you unable to freak and stew about things, allows a physical, and mental reset, so to speak. so, im off, need sleep, and food. thanks all.

March 3, 2009

Today has been a bad day. guys in the lounge here started a conversation about thier wives back at home, thier families, how long its been. Some were complaining about a week, 2 weeks, when one guy said he aint seen his girlfriend in 6 weeks, most guys were like, 'dang, feel sorry for you' and things like that. I sat here, in the corner my head down. Someone leaned over and asked me if i had anyone. "I dont know" is what I told him. "Oh, bad time eh?" he asked. "to say the least" I responded. It wasnt too much longer till they started passing around pictures. I had recovered somewhat, and was back to typing, but pulled up a picture of her. Its black and white, just her face, smiling a carefree smile. I thought then, 'Its not my smile, but one that she was giving for others.' It was one of those moments when yer not really jealous, but wish to be the one that she, or he, was smiling and laughing with. So you could be there, and see it, hear it. She has no mic, so i have never heard her, except for two short phone calls. My phone is crappy, and i had a hard time of hearing her. She has no webcam, so i have never seen her either. just pictures. 19 of them. I have both, so i would leave it on, would change with it on, never showed her that though, she wanted to save that for when we were actually together. she wanted to save that for the surprise of when we could actually be together. Scared of going that far was she? maybe. When i would change, i would be sideways so my hips, and legs would block that view. She asked what i was doing, so i told her, she asked to see, so i let her. I wanted her to be at ease, to not be scared. to show her, that im not going to hide anything from her. When i looked at that picture, saw the smile, I had to shut the laptop, went outside for a while, too much it was right then. couldnt hear them, see that, and remember. just not a good day today, need to talk, is all, so dont mind the ramble. I know yall have bad days too, i see and read them, I pull up a reply, and usually cant think of something to say. Usually get something down, but then i read it, and its more about me, or someone i know then anything else, so i dont post it. anyway, no track anymore. just gona go back to writing the email.

March 3, 2009

Hi Nicodaemos,

I am sorry to read about how you two are suffering. It really is an amazing love story. I agree alot with LaughingCheetah here.

The woman that I got involved with lives in Brazil, while I live in America. So the distance is great.

Brazil is such a long way away, and flights can be pretty expensive. Could you visit her there maybe?

She said the waiting, being alone, and worrying about me driving a truck, she couldnt take anymore, and she wanted to be happy again. She still wanted me to be around, but as a friend. I asked her, if later, when i could be there for real, if she could give us a second chance, when all the reasons for ending the LDR would not be an issue, and she said she didnt know.

I can really empathise with her. To put it bluntly - It is lonely, and to never know when you will meet - kinda makes the whole relationship seem kinda pointless. It's like one puts their life on hold, they don't go out and socialise, they only work, eat and sleep and all think about is a daydream time in the future when you will be together forever. Maybe offering friendship is her way for both of you to slowly adjust and let go. When do you plan to get there? How long does she have to wait? Give her a date and mean it, then she has something to hold on to, and look forward to.

She is a witch, so is most of her family. It is in everything she does, and is who she is. She is a nurst because of her magic, cause she can do healing things. when she told me that the cards had said it wouldnt work, I told her **** that, i cant accept one thing saying no, when everything else she told me said good things. Then she told me that there wasnt just good from before about us, that there was bad too, but she just didnt tell me. I had always asked her, tell me things, so i can understand, and be honest, even if its bad, and dont spare me, cause atleast i will know that its true.

I have an ex-friend who believed she had this 'skill', 'curse' - whatever you want to call it. She used tarot cards and would always be predicting stuff, most times right on target. She also said she sometimes saw bad things, but never told the client when she saw anything really bad, as this information can affect in a bad way, the way the client percieves what he/she should do with the information. If your lady believes in it, then that's that. But Be careful, if she thinks your relationship is not going to work, then somewhere along the line she will make the relationship not work, coz that is what she believes will happen.

And the only thing that kept me going through the dark times, was knowing that down that road, she could be in my arms. That i could be there, and make her happy. I could wait forever for her, Patience i have always had.

What's stopping you?! Go on, Get on that plane and proove it to her, be there. Actions speak louder than words.

she get scared about commitment, about being in a relationship.

Most of us are scared of committment, being in a relationship - we are afraid of baring our souls, then getting hurt - you are all the way in America and she is in Brazil and so far have made no concrete plans to visit her - maybe due to financial reasons on both sides? In that situation yes she should be wary with giving her heart.

Be honest with her and about your intentions for the future. Sometimes sub-consciously a ldr is just that, and never materializes into something more, as we are too scared to try for something more... e.g., what if you meet, and then months or a year or two later it all goes belly up... you are both too different etc etc. I am merely speaking from my own ghosts and fears.

Good luck to you Nicodaemos, I hope you get that flight booked soon, there's only one way to find out, and hey it's a great holiday destination. Best Wishes. Gem

March 3, 2009

I told her dates, supposed to be May this year, originally. I had told her that from the very beginning. With her magic, yea, showed the bad too. I dont know to what extent, cause if she believes the magic wont allow it, then i think no matter what i do, i will be doomed to failure because she wont let herself deny it. that in her mind, no matter what i do, she will be thinking 'you dont understand magic, you dont know that it will keep us apart.' and if she is thinking that,if that is in her mind, then she will never let herself go and give us a chance. it is everything about her, its her intuition, her gut feeling.

what stops me? what stops me is all the times i have tried for loans, any kind. the car title loans, but you keep the car, or just selling them, scrapping them if need be. with all my cars, and motorcycle, i could get $300. selling this computer, and leaving me with no way to get ahold of her, $400, maybe. Selling the video games i have, system, everything i have, selling any and all. even the lego sets. All total, i would end up with $850, $900 at best. that is what keeps me here. the $16 dollars in my pocket, that is there only because i didnt eat most of last week. I have been looking, been checking. lookin at prices i could sell my car at, my old one. Its the first car i ever bought. had it for 8 years i think. was going to be my future, till i met her. I have found buyers. most i have been offered, $180. I wish i could talk to her these past days, wish we could be working on things, but she wont even stay online if im on the same site as her. I want to hand my company the keys to the truck, grab my bag and jump a plane, but i cant get the $726 minimum i have seen for a ticket. $800 or more typically. If i got the ticket, I would be at her mercy for everything, food, transportation, a place to stay. If not, I would need a rental, or ride the bus. If she didnt let me stay, She lives with her parents, and its not just her choice, and if her parents had seen her crying, and told them things, it seems that they would side with thier daughter. I would need a place to stay.

If you felt betrayed though. If you always felt that the guy in your relationship didnt really care, and hadnt been around for your birthday, new years, valentines, christmas, and his birthday. If you felt like he took away your security, by telling you that he remembered where you lived, and worked, and he would be there no matter what. Felt like he was acting like a stalker, like he wasnt who he had said, had removed him from all you online contacts, had blocked him from everything. How would you feel if he told you he was coming down, had a ticket and would be there in a couple days. How would you feel if he just showed up at your home, knocking at your door. I know I would give her a chance if reversed, but i always give others a chance for fogiveness, always a chance for redemption. but i know others arent as fogiving, especially when angry, and scared.

I want to see her move more than anything, but maybe im scared too, maybe im too pragmatic. To feel her hair, see her blink...

gotta go for a while.

March 3, 2009

Sorry Nico

I posted to this thread -- it was a really long post and then my connection went south while it was thinking.

I had to do a restart and lost all of it.

So I'll have to recreate it and I honestly can't right now due to a situation that is kind of emotional for me.

Just wanted to post this so you'll know I've been thinking about you and what you are dealing with.

March 3, 2009

Hi Nicodaemous,

what stops me? what stops me is all the times i have tried for loans, any kind. the car title loans, but you keep the car, or just selling them, scrapping them if need be. with all my cars, and motorcycle, i could get $300. selling this computer, and leaving me with no way to get ahold of her, $400, maybe. Selling the video games i have, system, everything i have, selling any and all. even the lego sets. All total, i would end up with $850, $900 at best. that is what keeps me here. the $16 dollars in my pocket, that is there only because i didnt eat most of last week. I have been looking, been checking. lookin at prices i could sell my car at, my old one. Its the first car i ever bought. had it for 8 years i think. was going to be my future, till i met her. I have found buyers. most i have been offered, $180. I wish i could talk to her these past days, wish we could be working on things, but she wont even stay online if im on the same site as her. I want to hand my company the keys to the truck, grab my bag and jump a plane, but i cant get the $726 minimum i have seen for a ticket. $800 or more typically. If i got the ticket, I would be at her mercy for everything, food, transportation, a place to stay. If not, I would need a rental, or ride the bus. If she didnt let me stay, She lives with her parents, and its not just her choice, and if her parents had seen her crying, and told them things, it seems that they would side with thier daughter. I would need a place to stay.

Your financial situation sounds very similar to that of my ldr - yes, it's hard to recover from that.

If i got the ticket, I would be at her mercy for everything, food, transportation, a place to stay. If not, I would need a rental, or ride the bus. If she didnt let me stay, She lives with her parents, and its not just her choice,

Maybe I'm going way-off mark now, but... can you Offer her the chance to go visit you instead - she stays in a motel, you stay in ur own home and keep ur hands in ur pockets. That way, she still has control over the situation, and it shows ur not acting like a stalking, but that you care for her, want to see her and soothe her fears. Gem

March 3, 2009

and you both share the cost of her flight ticket. Gem

March 3, 2009

If i got the ticket, I would be at her mercy for everything, food, transportation, a place to stay. If not, I would need a rental, or ride the bus. If she didnt let me stay, She lives with her parents, and its not just her choice, and if her parents had seen her crying, and told them things, it seems that they would side with thier daughter. I would need a place to stay.

And even with all of that - not having money to take care of yourself in a foreign country which is not a reasonable thing - then when you come back you have nothing to support yourself here ad you will have to start from scratch all over again.

It just isn't even a real option Nico.

You can't put yourself in that deep of a hole when there is no probably guarantee of a beneficial outcome.

You have to take care of yourself first. If you don't then, even if she were to give you a chance, how could you ever take care of her?

What if she did "come back" to you and then you come back here and have no way of contacting her? Your in a worse position than you are now - I know that doesn't seem possible but it would be worse.

You are better off doing what you do now. Nothing. Let it be. Let her sit and possibly miss you.

If she thought you were becoming a stalker -- and I don't know the detail of your conversations that would lead her to believe that - then showing up there would be the worst thing you could do.

A mutual friend has been in contact with you. So you do have a possible avenue. You have to play your cards right if that is the case.

You also do not know if you reached out later as a friend just to say 'I hope you are doing well' if that would be received well.

I don't know how to say this but if you express yourself to her - or to your mutual friend - as you do here that may seem alarming.

I understand you are introspective and extremely deep with feeling. I really do. But I have also been on the receiving end of letters written as you write here and while it was nice initially it got overwhelming really quick.

I just felt like things were moving very quickly and too deeply on his side. I wasn't the same and I fled the relationship.

I got another letter and just ended contact. I didn't tell him as she told you. I just started returning his letters (it was before we had e-mail and had to use snail mail).

I am so sorry you are hurting like you are. My heart goes out to you.

And I wish there was something I could say or do to help you to feel better.

March 3, 2009

yea, it has been offered for her to come up here, not recently, cause i havent even heard anything still. I drive a Semi-truck. Its also my home, and the only other places available for me to stay and park the truck, is the woman that has the motorcycle, and my mothers house. If she stayed at a hotel for a few days, and i stayed in the truck, my problem then would be i couldnt help to much with her expenses up here. My pay goes to paying off past debt before i even get it, and i usually end up with about $6-$8 each day. and if i stop moving, then i dont get paid. Truck drivers dont get paid hourly, or salary, we get paid by the mile. When I usually get an average of 350-400 miles a day, for about 5-6 days a week, things are tight already. everyone is feeling the strain with the economy, and im doing about 2/3 of the miles the company wants a driver to do. there just isnt much to move out there.

If she came up here, it was supposed to be that she would ride with me in the truck, which is why i was the one to go down there first, to establish that trust in me. Riding with someone in a truck around a country you dont know, with someone you never met is a huge risk that i would never ask anyone to do. Even though there are two seperate beds, its still a small space, and would leave her at my absolute mercy, so that is why she hasnt been up her already. If i have a passenger, then I am allowed more money in my pocket to pay for the other persons meals, showers, and other care. I would love for her to come up here, even stay in a hotel, and i could park my truck in the lot, stay in the truck myself, and her in the hotel, and we could talk things out. Even though it would be extremely time limited, only about 3, maybe 4 days, I would trade my cars, games and such for that chance. Any longer then that, and I wouldnt have anything left to eat with the next week, but I would easily, and gladly accept that.

I just need to be able to say anything to her. I havent flooded her with information the way i spewed here. I always answered her questions, and constantly tried to reassure her that i cared for her, that i understood she got scared easily, and just let her open to me at her own pace. Occasionally, if she stopped talking about her and things, or if she tried to avoid certain topics, i would try to gently prompt her. I have never asked her for something that i hadnt already told her about me. I was hoping that always being the first one to step forward with what was said, always showing her that i was willing to tell her about me, that she would see I had nothing to hide, and that i can be trusted. Telling strangers about me so openly never bothered me, i dont have anything to hide. Its an odd combination i guess, me, tell anyone anything, automatically placing trust in people i never met, and dont know. Her, not open, keeps things very close to herself. I pick up people on the side of the road all the time. not with the truck, i get caught with an un authorized passenger, I can go to jail. I choose to take that risk, and put myself out there. If i run into a truly bad person, well, maybe i can subdue the threat, and remove one, or through unconditional kindness, remove the threat in an even better way.

I have an email telling her about my life, from the beginning, to now, and with the part that involves her, how i felt at the time, and how i thought she felt at the time. I havent sent it to her because she wont even stay logged in to the same site as i am at the same time.

Normally, im quiet. Normally, i can always find something to atleast be glad about. right now, even remembering the good times causes just sadness, cause it makes me remember that she said she wanted more, but gave up on it. gave up on it and wouldnt, or couldnt, tell me why.

Thanks to everyone that has actually read these things. I know they are long, and i repeat things that get said inearlier posts, but i try to answer the questions that get posed to me as they are asked. Thanks yall, being here, even just being able to read about your situations has helped. Yall dont need to be afraid of telling me the wrong thing either. I always ask the truth above all else, no matter what. When i dont get it, i get situations like im in now, wrong information everywhere, and bad feelings all around.

I think what hurts me the most, is that she is happy without me. and she told me that it was after she told me she didnt want to be a couple, just a friend that she had been able to sleep without worrying for me. It just sounded like, 'you hurt me, you make me feel bad, go away'. And, the time before last that i had been on, there was absolutely no difference in her behavior, no difference in what she would say. Just went from, you have me, I want to be with you, to withdrawn, to gone. 1 2 3, very quick.

this got longer then i intended, again, thanks for the patience everyone, and yer thoughts. even the bad, its good to have something for my mind to work with.

March 3, 2009

Hey Nico

I just think there is more to it on her side.

I know you didn't get an explanation but when I behaved as she has it was because of an easier or more exciting opportunity.

And I didn't give an explanation either.

I am sorry for that now. For the pain I caused others.

I was just a very confused girl. I didn't know how to be alone but not lonely - as Geishawhelk put it on another thread.

I didn't know really how to feel real love. Only the initial attraction and falling in love part. But once there were actual feelings involved - on his side - I'd be done.

Sometimes I would just vanish if it was convenient to do so. Other times I would get mean.

Somehow the love from another would cause me to feel - I don't know how to describe the emotion - guilt? overwhelmed? stressed? - maybe a combination of all of that. There would just be a tremendous pressure in my chest.

When I think of those times I can still feel it. The constricting pressure and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I mentioned before about problems with her psyche.

This is what I am talking about.

The only way I got rid of it and learned how to be committed and not feel that horrible feeling was being alone - all alone - 2600 miles away from most of my friends and all of my family.

The one "friend" I had there I never saw outside of work (I had moved there to work for her and her husband) even though I had been close with her for 14 years before that and we talked everyday. She was gone a lot - and slept all the time when she wasn't fighting with her husband.

In any event I was on my own all the time.

And I learned to be absolutely comfortable with that.

I never had before you see. I always had friends around me or was with family.

I could always have a boyfriend and usually had applications in if the position needed to be filled.

I don't mean to come off callous or unfeeling.

The fact is I was desperate TO feel.

I wanted love, to be loved, but I was unable at that time to love anyone because I didn't KNOW myself.

And since I didn't KNOW myself - I couldn't love myself.

Although I didn't have a lack of self esteem.

That probably doesn't make any sense at all.

I was really good at saying the right things and doing the right things. Men did love me. They professed their love - a lot of them proposed.

And I flew like a rocket immediately afterward.

Each time I wanted it to be different. I hoped it would be. But I hadn't fixed ME and I was the problem.

Do I look back and think any of them could have made me happy if I was then who I am now? That is a really good question. They were handsome, supportive, generous men who possibly could have made me happy.

But my husband is different from them in the way he interacts with me. And he "gets" me so I am happy with how things worked out and I can't see myself now with anyone else.

My point of this whole rambling post is that I think she has issues.

MAJOR issues.

And I understand you love what you do know. Even that you would love what you don't know because I have come to see your nature in all of this. You would be accepting of her with flaws and all.

But she has several things she has used as excuses.

Her "magic" is one of these. Whether she truly believes or not it is something you can see what you want to see. That doesn't mean it is reality. It can provide a "reason" for anything - to have a relationship or not have one. To go somewhere or not go. You see what I am getting at?

To some extent it is very easy to open up about yourself on the internet. As long as you are careful with certain crucial items of info it is the easiest place to spill your guts so to speak.

Look at us here.

So her closed off way of being speaks to other issues going on with her. And I don't know what they are.

I just suspect that while you may be in a place when you are ready and willing to have a mature, loving, nurturing relationship with another. She is not.

There also is the distance. That is so SO very hard.

You are built to hang on. You are built to endure what comes.

Just your level of sacrifice in your life now with how you live to get ahead in the future is incredibly admirable.

I don't think she is made of the stuff that you are. I don't think she has it in her - or at least right now has the ability - to endure.

I hate the circumstances for you. I hate that she has shut down and backed away.

I think that with some time you may be able to send a friendly communication. As I said before. Just a general friendly e-mail.

And I can give you a reason to reach out when you can.

It is a perfectly understandable reason.

------------ I will not post it publicly. I know that seems strange but I can explain in PM.

I hope you have these privileges - if not you will soon enough and then I will exchange the info with you.

At some point you hopefully can just reach out to say "Hey there. I just learned that a friend of mine has _______ and she was telling me about how they are from Brazil. So I thought I'd drop you a line and let you know that. Hope all is well with you and your family. -- Your friend Nico"

Just to bridge that communication in a way that would be reasonable and seem friendly - not in ANY way stalker-ish.

March 3, 2009

The thing with the magic. Is it any different then having a different religous belief than another? Yea, there are differences, but if someone was a Sunni, and me a Jew... yea, ye get what i mean? If not, cause i dont know if i have the religous refernce correct, but if she was of one religion, and i was of an opposed type, one that had different views, then that alone could, and most likely has, ended many relationships that otherwise are perfectly compatable. Magic is a bit more active though. The main thing with it, is that she wouldnt tell me about the bad parts of what was about me at all, no matter what, she refused to tell me, which makes me think it was just a shield for her to hide behind. because she didnt want to lie about what her magic, and the magic of others, had said about me, she just used it to try and protect her. its what it seems to me anyway.

yea, i know she may need to find that time alone from men, problem is, even based on looks alone, she wont ever have that chance to find out what its like alone. She has a large group of friends there, is very outgoing, and amazingly attractive. Unless she goes where men never are, she will never be alone. She wont leave where she is, unless she can get somewhere she can get into caring for others. Kind of ironic, she is a healer, and wont let me heal...

"I never had before you see. I always had friends around me or was with family.

I could always have a boyfriend and usually had applications in if the position needed to be filled.

I don't mean to come off callous or unfeeling."

dont worry, i know exactly what you mean, and she seems to be at the same place. especially if what she tells me is true, then she has plenty of applications as well.

How to fix what i screwed up... need her back

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