How to fix what i screwed up... need her back

[Island Girl]

yea, i know she may need to find that time alone from men, problem is, even based on looks alone, she wont ever have that chance to find out what its like alone. She has a large group of friends there, is very outgoing, and amazingly attractive.

 

I had the same "problem".

 

When I moved the 2600 miles away I actually did it for a multitude of reasons one of which being to get away from an ex that was still popping up to "take care of me" like shampoo my carpets or mow the lawn.

 

He was so difficult to get rid of - and I was sick to death of not getting what I was searching for and yet breaking other people's hearts that I created all the "rules" to be able to date me.

When I dated a guy he got a run down of the rules - and then the first time one was broken it was over.

This way the guy never got close enough to get hurt.

I just figured I was internally broken and couldn't love anyway - so I just would deal with never having it but I'd make damn sure no one would get involved emotionally with me either.

 

These "rules" were nearly impossible.

 

So it was forced alone time as well as circumstantial.

 

A year or so later when I met my husband he broke just about every one of them (I broke them too) and I didn't care. Funny enough right?

[Nicodaemos]

It seems that she is afraid of being alone, but sees herself as independant, but too independant. Maybe she doesnt want to be alone, and not truly in a relationship, because she cant look in the mirror, metaphorically. cant take that long, exposing look at herself and see that she really isnt as strong as she thinks, not as independant as she believes. I dont know, just one of the many musings that I have.

 

I have never slept well, usually for an hour, maybe 2 if im lucky before i wake up again. my mind is always active though. frequently when im sleeping, im still thinking about things, my mind is still active, and im still mentally conscious, (however its spelled) and wake up still thinking. Its very disorienting, cause to me it seems like i never slept, until i hear the alarm, notice if the light has changed, temerature, things like that. And, even though my body is fine, I just always have a deep, bone weary feel. My physical body cant really get the restoring nutrition when i sleep, because my mind is still drawing on my body.

 

Even sleep offers no relief for me from times like these. Only way i can shut down, is to just force my body to demand sleep. go a few days, not really eat, drink, nothing, just absolutely burn out. I dont really get any rest doing that, cause there is nothing left for me to restore with, but i have silence. at least for a few hours.

 

Part of me not being able to let go, is that i want to fix, want to help her. Even if i get nothing, ever again, knowing that she will be able to love someone one day, truly able to open herself to another, ill be alot happier. Because i did good, i helped. Part of that is making sure she doesnt think what she does now, about me, us, and herself in the past.

 

everyone says get away from the problem ones, they are messed up and will only lead to more heartbreak. And, almost every time, they do. I do not thin i will be lucky enough to beat the odds, i never seem to anyway, except in life and death, but just because someone has issues, maybe bad issues, doesnt mean that they deserve a life alone. doesnt mean they deserve a life without ever having felt love before, even for just a moment. No, im not saying you think that way, but its how i feel. Yes, i know that i set myself up for pain this way, but i cant really look away too easy.

[Island Girl]

The thing with the magic. Is it any different then having a different religous belief than another? Yea, there are differences, but if someone was a Sunni, and me a Jew... yea, ye get what i mean? If not, cause i dont know if i have the religous refernce correct, but if she was of one religion, and i was of an opposed type, one that had different views, then that alone could, and most likely has, ended many relationships that otherwise are perfectly compatable. Magic is a bit more active though. The main thing with it, is that she wouldnt tell me about the bad parts of what was about me at all, no matter what, she refused to tell me, which makes me think it was just a shield for her to hide behind. because she didnt want to lie about what her magic, and the magic of others, had said about me, she just used it to try and protect her. its what it seems to me anyway.

 

That is exactly what I mean.

It can be used conveniently to predict whatever outcome would be wanted, needed, or validated.

And by not sharing with you the "bad parts about you" - you had no way to prove it wrong or show yourself to be different.

 

Convenient to say the least.

[Nicodaemos]

"Everything happens for a reason"

"It was fate"

 

I dont like things like these, and disregard them entirely

 

Why? you never hear it when a murderer walks away free, you never hear it when a person kills thier entire family, and then them selves.

 

Its only said when it feels good to do so. A drunk driver takes the life of a family, but is themself, unharmed. Someone looses their spouse, family, friends. Thats when you hear it. People twist things to thier own view. Im sure that if she was on her instead of I, and she was posting, yall might be more sympathetic to her. No, dont get me wrong, but when people hear the sadness, the one side, can be there, and have the small conection that internet offers, they connect with that person.

 

I try to be as unbiased as i can, offer everything with both sides, and with the statements like, maybe, and i believe. I hope that by doing that it gives people the chance to pause and think about the other side. I have no problem with posting the chat logs, and things like that, because its not biased, it provides a clear, un tinted window into the events of whats happening. I try to give the other side that voice of reason, see things from any angle, just more info to process is all really.

[Island Girl]

I agree I hate those kinds of statements as well.

 

And while others might be sympathetic with my current situation I hope you understand I am doing nothing for my character to put out there that I was such a messed up young woman in my younger years.

 

I am being honest to you here to help you to see the goings on in a very messed up head. I was one that shut down - cut contact suddenly - ran away from feelings once the other person got too deep.

 

How screwed up was I!!??

 

Man. Terrible really.

 

I was thinking if I could tell you why I did the same kind of thing that you may be able to rest a bit knowing that COULD be what is happening on her side. Alot of it matches up.

 

I used several excuses as they came up. I looked for "reasons" to end it abruptly.

If I did say something - and end it - then I used whatever I had at my disposal.

Much as it seems she has done with the magic references, etc.

 

Sometimes there really was nothing. Nothing valid. No reason.

 

How old is she Nico?

 

I mean - I was like this in my 20s...The I guess I grew up to a certain extent and started being accountable for my own actions and started becoming responsible for my own happiness.

 

Although - just as you describe her, I always viewed myself as "independent", etc.

[Nicodaemos]

Im posting more than just the one really long thing that i usually do to try and get my post count higher, please have bear with me on that.

 

I dont keep the crucial details hidden, if they are crucial, then its all the more reason to show them, because they are important. I dont have any fear about myself, i tell it all, because i dont have anything to hide, I dont mind telling about things. I dont mind people knowing me, because its me. Yes, some things are only reserved for my other, intimate things, specail words, actions, looks, emotions. things nobody else gets, and right now, nobody else has had. heh, no i dont practise them, ana had some, but not all. My ex wife, she had some, when things went bad for her, and she needed that comfort of another. But not all, not by any means. I guess i just want what everyone else wants too, to find someone to give that special side to, and to freeliy give that special side of themselves to another.

[Nicodaemos]

I am deeply greatful for what you are saying here. but you are wrong. You have no reason to be afraid of who you USED to be. where you came from. Nobody here will respect, or enjoy hearing your words any less than they do now. if anythng, it will prolly make people hearing from you enjoy it more. Those that have your worries, inside, can feel like they relate to you. You have nothing to lose, by what you said.

 

Hold yer head high Madam, and walk with pride in yer step... and maybe a swagger as well, knowing you can do, have done, what others cannot.

 

She is 29, im 24.

[Nicodaemos]

She told me that she felt things with me that she had never felt with anyone else, yes, i always hold the possibility that everything she said was a falsity, but i always hope otherwise. Im hoping that with me, at the end there, when i took everything she gave me, every defense she had, i stood there, and never let it stop me. maybe it will show her that hiding wont always work. Even now, with her running, feeling scared, and angry, and me, still waiting, trying for her, maybe will expose her like she never has before. strip her of everything she has ever depended on in the past to protect herslf. And maybe her friends can then help her rebuild, without such defenses, rebuild her with the ability to share. yea, its a longshot, a far hopr, but i still hope. I have great doubts though. but well see, i wait, and will find out eventually how it goes.

[Nicodaemos]

ok, thats enough for now. I said all i have for now.

[Island Girl]

Awwwww. As always you are sweet Nico.

 

Hope you don't mind me shortening your ID. It is just easier to type and I feel like I kinda know you.

 

No I am not ashamed of how I was. I have to accept that it is part of my history. Part of why I am who am today.

 

But I put it out there so just as you said - maybe it can help others in some way.

 

My brother says "at least I use my powers for good now".

heh heh heh.

 

But I see similarities between my old self and her as she is now...do you?

 

Now, I think I know why I was "broken" but I do not know if she suffered through the same type of things or anything. There very well could be no reason in my history as to why I was like this. It could be just the way I was in my development at that point.

I have always thought it was due to childhood trauma.

 

There was an invisible threshold that when reached was the "off" switch. And I really do not believe that there was anything those guys could have done differently except get to that switch a bit more slowly - but in the end it seems that just would have prolonged the inevitable.

 

I know you have said you are a "fixer" and you want to help in some way.

 

Well there was no one who could "help" me. I had to help myself. And I didn't know that is what I was doing when I was doing it.

I just decided that I was going to be alone - keep men at arms length and learn to be okay with that because in my mind I just saw myself as incapable of love (I believe that is repetitive - sorry).

 

I really wish you would be able to rest and take care of yourself better. You sacrifice so much and even talking about going without food, etc. for her if there was a possibility.

UGH!

 

That is PAINFUL to read. I can only imagine really living that feeling.

 

I am just so sorry.

You do deserve to find someone to love you as you can love.

[Nicodaemos]

Yea, when you told me about your ideas, i saw it, and it makes sense. Im stubborn, and it carries over into me wanting my method to be the correct one, that i figured it out, and took care or it. Pride, and that 'man' instict. must be right. but is fine, i know its there, and i see your side, and can understand how you see it, and i thank you for providing it.

 

Human element, as its said now, means that one person that grows up one way, and another that grows up another way, and both end up the same. While, two peole grow up the exact same, and end up differently. Nobody knows why, it just is.

[Nicodaemos]

2 of 3

 

No problems with being repetetive, I know that i have said the same things prolly in half the posts in this thread. repetition enforces a point. for me, I guess i was also trying to make it real, the things that would lead to a good result anyway.

[Nicodaemos]

going without food, yea, im not so much doing it for her, but as a result of not knowing, and the not having much, or enough, sometimes when im on the road, before all this, that was just my choice to be able to clear off what i owe quickly. I want it gone. it also helps me to shut down for a night sometime. lets me stop the thinking. sometimes its useful, because i can then imagine things completely, and see things in that impossible view of a dream. I can apply that power to a problem, and take care of it. Its kind was nice when i was working on my car, trying to figure out how i was going to do the final colors for my car. Well, one of them anyway. when i was laying there, in bed, i would just imagine my car, and how i wanted it to look, then shift the colors, designs i had, trying different things, and i never even notice when i fall asleep. Sometimes i do, because i feel disconnected, and it feels like my mind is no longer stuck within my head, just infinite.

 

Just one of those blessing, curse things is all. right now, its a curse.

[Island Girl]

She told me that she felt things with me that she had never felt with anyone else, yes, i always hold the possibility that everything she said was a falsity, but i always hope otherwise.

 

I said a lot of things to those men I ended up fleeing from.

 

I meant those things (to the extent of my ability) when I said them.

 

And I really believed I felt just like everyone else did - that when I was saying those loving and very deep things that I felt them as others did.

 

Clearly I didn't. Because I said "I love you" before. And so very clealy I had never experienced love at any point. Not real love.

Just the "falling in love" part.

 

Then the "overwhelming thing" would happen and all of it would shut down.

 

So don't think she didn't mean what she said - that it was an intentional lie.

 

I wanted it to be true. I just wasn't capable of going further with it.

[Nicodaemos]

so, what yer saying is, she prolly believed everything that she said.

 

I think that is what im gettin. I never heard her say that she loved me. I heard her say that she liked me, really liked me, and that there was something that she feels with me that she never felt before. even with her magic, there were things that worked between me and it. and not just a couple coincidents. She has a gypsy spirit, I have always considered the roads my home. Her spirit uses apples as a focus, I have always been a fiend for apples, and grew up in michigan... the land of apples. Her spirit would show her things, make her feel things, things that she hadnt felt before, she said. There is alot more that worked, but i cant remember them. That was in the beginning, when i had a different computer, so i dont have those chat logs.

[Nicodaemos]

when i said to her that i loved her, it wasnt so much a I love you moment. She had already signed off MSN messenger, and i always left a couple messages for her. I typed 'good night my love, and good morning' I typed a couple more things before i realized what i had there. it felt comfortable, i didnt have any problems with it there. so i left it in there. the next day, we were talking, and i said it again, when we were just talking. she said that she really enjoyed spending time with me, felt happy. I said that i enjoyed spending time with my love as well. she was kinda surprised. told me when she woke up and saw that in the morning, she wasnt sure if i meant it or not, a mistake. yea, i was hurt that she didnt reciprocate, but its was fine, she said she gets scared. so i let her grow in her own time. I wonder if maybe i didnt pull her hard enough sometimes. I wonder lots of things, just one of many. maybe the feelings she had kept her even though she was scared. i dunno.

[Nicodaemos]

I need a hug.

 

I want to hold, to be held.

 

Just not feeling well right now, yesterday was a bad day, and today hasnt been good either. Earlier, her friend was on. she gave me her MSN address cause i couldnt get on the site anymore, not like this. She got on the MSN, asked her if she got the emails i sent yesterday, she told me to wait a few minutes so she could check. A while later, she came back, said yea, and put up a smiley. I told her, no, no smiles here, and she put a sad smiley. Told her, no smiles since she stopped talking to me, and i get back, hang on, busy in the game.

 

I dont expect anyone to drop what they are doing for someone else like that, but anytime i was talking to her, she was still runnin around in the game, doin the things. laughing and joking with the other people.

 

hmm, warning, rant time, and i think i need 5 more posts till i am an established, and can pm.

[Nicodaemos]

Yea, its already known that there wasnt good communication between us, lots a problems there were. whenever we were on, and were talking to each other privately, she would act perfectly normal with everyone else. just going along, it bothered me a little bit, but it stopped doing so cause we were just having fun with things. I would do it too, and i cant stand hypocritical attitudes, I wasnt about to hold her to something I dont hold myself to.

[Nicodaemos]

Sometimes though, when we would be privately talking to each other, intamate things, and she would talk with the other people. She didnt do it much, and i didnt like doing things real heavy in the game. just seemed wrong. I would go to the MSN, cause it was the only thing we had, so i couldnt tell if she was still talkin with others, but I already knew she wasnt, cause she had left the site as well. Only a couple times did we get really into it. was her first time doing so online. First time she ever had to though. She never sent me any pictures of an intimate nature, just things her friends had taken. At the club, work, dinner at restaraunts, things like that. Only have a couple pictures of her not dressed up, her casual, at home. Playing with her dog. I did always ask for pictures, anything she would send me, but she was never comfortable she said.

[Nicodaemos]

she said she wanted to get a mic, a webcam, or even her own digital camera. I never thought till the other day to tell her just stay home a couple times. I dont want to keep her from her friends, but I look back and think i should have asked for more than i did though. Might be another part of the issue. She had said she didnt really feel like i was interested, maybe by making more requests, maybe she would have figured i was more interested. actions, rather than just words. just more musing is all.

 

and filling the quota for established.

[Nicodaemos]

just down is all, yall know what its like, sadly. Its supposed to be a part of growing up, losing someone. I dont want that part.

 

Thinking back on my life, i remembere an old couple that i knew when i was young. childhood sweethearts, married out of highschool, survived years in the military, and still married, and happy even as an old couple, all kids grown with a 4th generation starting. I dont remember thier names, but if environment affects people, then that may be where i get my dedication from. being around that comfortable easy companionship. Parents divorced when i was 4, I spent alot of time over at that old couples house, watched movies with em, heard the stories that the guy had to tell, had the cookies she made. just being around that kind of slow burning, but comfortable glow of love. like after a well tended fire had died down to the low coals, and it can last through the night, keeping everyone around it warm and cozy. Maybe cause my parents seperating at an age where my first memories started, and me being around the other couple so much kinda permeated into me. caused me to kinda go a bit topsy on the relationship area. kinda skipped the fun, dating scene of highschool. never been in college, so i kinda aint been around that at all.

 

Musing. And the 50th post.

[Nicodaemos]

imma stop spamming my own thread now. worn out.

[LaughingCheetah]

just down is all, yall know what its like, sadly. Its supposed to be a part of growing up, losing someone. I dont want that part.

 

Thinking back on my life, i remembere an old couple that i knew when i was young. childhood sweethearts, married out of highschool, survived years in the military, and still married, and happy even as an old couple, all kids grown with a 4th generation starting. I dont remember thier names, but if environment affects people, then that may be where i get my dedication from. being around that comfortable easy companionship. Parents divorced when i was 4, I spent alot of time over at that old couples house, watched movies with em, heard the stories that the guy had to tell, had the cookies she made. just being around that kind of slow burning, but comfortable glow of love. like after a well tended fire had died down to the low coals, and it can last through the night, keeping everyone around it warm and cozy. Maybe cause my parents seperating at an age where my first memories started, and me being around the other couple so much kinda permeated into me. caused me to kinda go a bit topsy on the relationship area. kinda skipped the fun, dating scene of highschool. never been in college, so i kinda aint been around that at all.

 

Musing. And the 50th post.

 

Sorry to hear about your parents' divorce. I know what you mean about those old married couples...lol my parents are one of them (but they are not VERY old yet lol). I guess they are my standard when it comes to measuring the success in other couples I know about.

 

Jeez, Nicodaemous, I thought you were a busy truck driver - always on the road yet in the few days since you joined, you have posted an average of 10 or more posts a day! Is that because you need to have a certain # posts before you can PM?

 

Your writing bleeds with your loneliness and isolation. :(I feel badly for you because I have moments like yours as well. I wonder what it is that makes this girl so wonderful and different than other women. Maybe you haven't met enough women to really know what is "out there". Are you sure you aren't putting this Brazilian gal on a pedestal?

 

You've written so many posts on this thread since I last logged on here. I guess I'll read them later. Now I have to go for a run.

 

*Hugs* for you. I hope this forum helps you find coping mechanisms to deal with this lady love of yours.

[Nicodaemos]

Usually, yea, im up in the morning and on the road by 10 am at the latest, and usually not done till 11pm at night. sometimes i stop by 9 at earliest. Right now though, I am kinda stuck at a terminal. I stopped here last week monday. Tuesday morning i had a class to take, had to do a driving test to ensure that i was still driving safely. had a safety manager ride with me for it. It was that morning that she said she didnt want to be a couple anymore. not a good way to wake up.

[Nicodaemos]

Its good to hear from ya again laughing cheetah. I meant to say earlier that cheetahs can laugh too. not just hyenas. I never heard a Hyena laugh before, but i have heard coyotes calling to each other in Devils Canyon in the middle of Oregon before. I heard it in my sleep, and I woke up to see what it was. I looked out the flap of my tent, and saw it right when it put its head back and let out a yowl. It froze me in place cause it was so close. The moon was high, with no clouds, so I could see it pretty easily. After the second howl i relaxed cause the thought that it was howling for a late night snack went away cause I remembered that I didnt carry any food with me. So, they had no reason to be interested in me, but it made for a great night. It was close enough that i could see its eyes, the hollow of its ears, all the little fuzz around the outside of them. There were 5 of them i could hear calling to each other. I think.