How to fix what i screwed up... need her back

[LaughingCheetah]

yay for tax returns. Maybe. Tax agent I have ( my mom, heh) she told me I may be able to get pre approved for almost $1,000 tax return. Found air fare tickets from a brazillian airline for $589. Yay for weekday flights as well. Priceline was about 100 more, as well as the other discount flight sites. So, if i ever get to talk to her again, I can give her actual dates if she asks about me going there. Not stalkerish, but if she is wants something, but tries the lonelyness thing again, i can offer the removal of it. Yea, it gets my hopes up, gives me something to focus on, makes the fall harder. cause even though i hope for the best, want things to work, want nothing but to get on that plane, the biggest thought in my mind is that she wants it entirely over. that it is done.

 

All i really done is given myself more to mull about. for better or worse. The worst part of it is that if i do go, the first time i meet her, could also be the last.

 

Wow that is incredibly romantic! I guess the Gods of Fate were listening to you. What a long flight that will be! Jeez...even if you were ugly, I would give you a chance. lol You are a true man - no doubt about that. lol There aren't many men like you. I hope it works out for the best.

 

We need more American men where I live...lol Maybe one fine day, I'll find myself someone who will be willing to give up so much to see me (including food and selling his few precious belongings).

 

If this works out for you, make sure you write the movie script so I can direct a movie. Just tell me which actors you want to star in each role so I can ask my talent agents to contact them.

[Nicodaemos]

34 hours, some are about 36 hours as well. leaving Thursday, and coming back teusday. If i went when i checked the prices for. Ugly, yea, some people would agree, but usually i just get cute, or scary. That picture is of me when i was in New York along the toll road. They have free Wifi there, but when i was online, she wasnt. I sent her an email with a picture, and a short video, and a couple msn messages. Physically, 6'0" 160 lbs. Still fit an toned, but long dark hair, leather jacket, big boots, jeans on a motorcycle scares alot of people. That stereotypical bad biker look.

 

I dont have any precious belongings, except for one. Its kinda cheesy, but I wouldna give it up for anything. Unless I have my own kids one day. I was born a week late, and when i was supposed to be due, my dad had bought a stuffed bear with a cap on that has a bobble on the top. He is white, or, was, but I carried him everywhre with me when i was young. to this day his left arm still has no stuffing. His nose used to me out like a bear would be, but after holding him for so long, and squishing him, his nose is completely flat against his face. I had named him Whitey (yea, i know, politically incorrect past eh) cause he was white. he is kind of off white now due to the years. I dont have him with me, I stopped carrying him around with me many years ago. He is currently sitting at my mothers house, packed into a plastic tote. That is the only precious belonging i have. Everything is replaceable. Some of the old things i have may be difficult, but its doable. He isnt.

 

One would wonder why you dont have a man interest already, or are ya having trouble finding that person you have an interest in. You say you need more american men where you live, more that you need more men in general. Mayhaps spend more time in areas where you dont normally go. I spend alot of time in Libraries, and game shops. I heard from a woman that a good place to meet man is a laundramat, her reasoning, is that it shows a man is willing to keep himself and what he owes clean... but, considering that she always complained about the men she knew, her theory lacks practical application.

 

About an earlier comment from Island Girl, about my 'thoughtful prose', is it odd that when i was growing up, i would enjoy watching Simpsons as much as I did Frasier?

[Cora]

I actually have no words........Wow I have been reading through your posts and just crying....sigh. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm so sorry you had a bad night. Eh I did as well. I can't let go of him. I know exactly what you mean when you said you want to just hear anything from her even if it's go away I don't want anything to do with you. I wish Eric would say that to me. It would be so much better than leaving me in the dark like this. I can't accept that it's the end until he faces me and tells me it's over. I have no way of getting ahold of him right now and that kills me inside. I can't express to him how I feel anymore. I wan't so badly to hold on but feel I have nothing to hold on to. No one will talk to me about him either. His brother wont even answer me and all I asked was if he was okay? I didn't think that was too much to ask for but maybe I was wrong. I just care about him and love him so much. I believe true love is worth fighting for til the end no matter what. So believe me I know how you are feeling. I don't care how hard it gets I don't want to let go of him.

 

You are a good man......charming, sweet, a romantic at heart etc.. The things you go through and the things you would do for her are powerful!! That right there is true love and I pray that she will somehow find her way back to you. I hope she can see that you are truly one in a million. They don't come around too often like you. Whatever happens don't lose that special charm about you and if she does come back make sure she appreciates it and you. I assure you that is what most women dream of finding. Tomorrow will be thirteen days that I haven't heard from Eric.....almost two weeks. I just wonder if he even thinks about me. Am I even on his mind because he is all I ever think about. I can relate to the songs as well. Today I was driving and a song came on that reminded me of him and there I went again crying like a baby. He used to tell me of his favorite songs and which ones made him think of me.....even dedicated a few songs to me and said that was "our" song (yeah I know maybe a bit silly but I found it rather sweet). Now if any of those songs came on while I was in my car driving I would have to pull over. I can't even listen to them....have to turn it off. So yeah believe me when I say I understand and I feel that pain right along with you. So many many questions. You wonder what they are thinking, if you even cross their mind, why they are doing this etc...?????? It just makes it that much worse when you can't get ahold of them anymore either. You have so much to tell them, so many feelings bottled up inside but you can't talk to them because you don't know where to reach them anymore. Or at least that's how it is in my case. It's like the lyrics to that song "The Letter"

 

If I ever write this letter

The pages I could write

But I don't know where to send it

You have vanished

Heaven knows where you live

Heaven only knows

 

If I ever write this letter

Bitter words it would contain

Just and unrequited lover

Wishing she had never

Spoken your name

Had never known your name

 

But if I ever write this letter

The truth it would reveal

Knowing you brought me pleasure

How I'll often treasure

Moments that we knew

The precious, the few

 

That's exactly how I feel right now. If only I could hear his voice once more, even if it's just to say goodbye. I can't let go without a goodbye. Well I'm going to stop talking about myself here because this is your thread lol. I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and it really does help to know that someone else feels my pain as well. I cried when I read your post because I was shocked at how much I can relate. To know that someone else is feeling the exact same hurt. It comforted me in a way and helped a bit with the pain. Just keep hanging in there and keep writing it really does help.

[Nicodaemos]

One in a million eh? I believe there are about 6 billion people in this world right? well that means someone who is one in a million, actually occurs 6,000 times. kinda puts a downer on it eh?

[Nicodaemos]

I just realized, she told me she wanted to end being a couple, but still be friends about a month ago. I dont know exactly when. Too long. too long to go through things like this. Over a week since she stopped talking. ... too long

 

I wonder if she really thought i could just stop loving so easliy. but, if she really did think that i didnt care, i guess i can understand why she did everything she did. all the more reason to make sure she understands things properly.

[LaughingCheetah]

I just realized, she told me she wanted to end being a couple, but still be friends about a month ago. I dont know exactly when. Too long. too long to go through things like this. Over a week since she stopped talking. ... too long

 

I wonder if she really thought i could just stop loving so easliy. but, if she really did think that i didnt care, i guess i can understand why she did everything she did. all the more reason to make sure she understands things properly.

 

 

Awww poor Nico. It's good to hear from you - I like reading about your feelings because it makes me hopeful that one day, I'll meet a man who is capable of "feeling". For the longest time, I thought most men were heartless bastards who just wanted to get into my pants (at least that's what my mom told me when I dated) and my bad dating experiences just confirmed that.

 

Thanks, for the inspiration. I hope she realizes what she could be potentially losing (once you meet her face to face and tell her everything). Communication is very important. There is no disputing that. I think my heart would skip a few beats if someone travelled all that way to see me...maybe even have a heart attack! lol Be careful...make sure you know how to handle medical emergencies ;-)

 

Stay strong. Stay sweet. *Hugs* You deserve to be as loved as much as you love, OK?

[LaughingCheetah]

I hope you make your travel plans wisely,Nico- what happens if you show up at her place and she is out of town during that time?Since she doesn't know you will be flying down...

[Nicodaemos]

oh, i didnt mean to imply im travelling down there now. Its that i may be able to get pre approved for that amount. also, she said that she and some friends were going out on a rafting trip. but, i dont know when that will take place. Yea, it may be me being scared to actually do something so dramatic, but it depends on whatthe situation is then. If i still havent heard anything by then, I hope Ill be able to go. I am not as perfect, or wonderful as I may seem, I do have my faults. I dunno where things will go. hopefully they go well.

 

another thought, she had no webcam, no digital camera, no mic. why she couldnt talk to me, and i couldnt watch her at all. All the pictures are taken by one of her friends, which is why they are all when she is out at a club, party or somewhere. which was also the reason why i thought recently that if she always says she doesnt have a whole lot of money, why is she going out as much as she does. I should have asked her to not go out a time or two, and pick one up. It really got me cause she said she was going rafting. The rafting bothered me, and got me wondering why she hadnt bought something already. Bothered me cause she was so excited about it. I wouldnt be there, that not there to share things with them feel for one, and that deep ache that makes me feel like she is happy im gone.

 

Its just the usual way that things work out for me. When i get internet back, she tells me shes done. when I may be able to get there finally, alot sooner than i thought originally, she doesnt want me around. always how things go for me.

 

Hugs you too, thanks for the compliments. You keep laughing. There is bound to be a guy around thats not deaf.

[Nicodaemos]

I used to have daydreams all the time. It gave my mind something to do. Always, I imagined myself alone. Even when I was married, always on my own. Typically a nomad. Living alone always seemed the way I would end up. With her though, my dreams started changing. I wasnt alone, they had her in them. Not often, only about once every two three days, till this. But, that anyone at all was in one, I liked it. I havent had any kind of dreams or desires in the past month, just hope, but its wearying. I hope that my truck is done tomorrow, and i can head back out. Sitting around is better, cause i can spend time online and that way i wont miss her coming on and trying to contact me if she tried to, but I have to finish paying for things. I need to eat too. Havent had a paycheck in 3 weeks now, but that has nothing to do with her. No, its not a normal thing to be stuck like this, just a combination of all the things that go wrong. In a way its good though, cause when driving there is nothing to occupy my mind, so its hard to keep focused on the road when messed up. I cant sit forever though, and it will be good to get back on the road, back to work. It will be lonely now, the bed not as comfortable, but I have to move on. I still wait for her, and hope. Unless an interest develops in someone else, I will continue the waiting, and hoping. Even if its just to close this part of my life. Cause then I can put it away, the pictures, the messages, can put it away. I dont want to, but its been too long like this. like having things packed up in boxed all over the place, but never doing anything. The shelves are empty, and so is the storage. These boxes are in the way, and I cant do anything with em here. I have em ready to be put away, but I really dont want to. I look in em every day, usually just a little peek at one or two things, alot to gauge how I am feeling. Numb. but gotta do something with em soon. I can wait forever, but I wont sit still forever.

 

mm, ramble.

[LaughingCheetah]

I used to have daydreams all the time. It gave my mind something to do. Always, I imagined myself alone. Even when I was married, always on my own. Typically a nomad. Living alone always seemed the way I would end up. With her though, my dreams started changing. I wasnt alone, they had her in them. Not often, only about once every two three days, till this. But, that anyone at all was in one, I liked it. I havent had any kind of dreams or desires in the past month, just hope, but its wearying. I hope that my truck is done tomorrow, and i can head back out. Sitting around is better, cause i can spend time online and that way i wont miss her coming on and trying to contact me if she tried to, but I have to finish paying for things. I need to eat too. Havent had a paycheck in 3 weeks now, but that has nothing to do with her. No, its not a normal thing to be stuck like this, just a combination of all the things that go wrong. In a way its good though, cause when driving there is nothing to occupy my mind, so its hard to keep focused on the road when messed up. I cant sit forever though, and it will be good to get back on the road, back to work. It will be lonely now, the bed not as comfortable, but I have to move on. I still wait for her, and hope. Unless an interest develops in someone else, I will continue the waiting, and hoping. Even if its just to close this part of my life. Cause then I can put it away, the pictures, the messages, can put it away. I dont want to, but its been too long like this. like having things packed up in boxed all over the place, but never doing anything. The shelves are empty, and so is the storage. These boxes are in the way, and I cant do anything with em here. I have em ready to be put away, but I really dont want to. I look in em every day, usually just a little peek at one or two things, alot to gauge how I am feeling. Numb. but gotta do something with em soon. I can wait forever, but I wont sit still forever.

 

mm, ramble.

 

Aww Nico. I hate to hear it when people feel so lonely. Fortunately, for me, I've found ways to combat feelings of loneliness. Just remember that every single one of us here- whether we are in a relationship or single-has had to face loneliness at some point in their life or will in the future (ie. when friends, spouses, relatives pass away etc.). Check your inbox.

[Nicodaemos]

Does everything remind you of the loss? I watch Frasier, and they have a Brasilian rain forest. And she lives in Brazil. It seems that anything I see on TV, see that i see when walking, pretty much anything reminds me. How long does that last? How long till desires return. How long to notice other people again? I know that there is no definate time period. I know that it will return. I know that she is just one person. I also know that she could end up as the one that got away. I always hear that it never truly goes away. That there is always that little thing that brings a sad smile to the face. Bittersweet memories of times gone past. Time. Always time. Today went by pretty fast, but its still another day wondering why. I feel for ya Cora. Im holding, but holding to two things. Myself, and the hope things can get better. Its tearing me up, two different sides that wont give way ground to the other. I want to go for a ride on the bike. A really long ride. Get out my old pack. My tent, and go. Even the makeup infomercial on the cable channel guide reminds me. She never wore any. She didnt need it. Just a night of alone. The sadness is pretty much gone. The pounding anxiety, only a couple times. Just nothing today. Anyone ever seen the Never Ending Story? Remember The Nothing? Its how things are right now. Nothing.

[Nicodaemos]

hmm, she hasnt been on in a couple days. Her rafting trip was supposed to be in March. Maybe she is gone on that already, and again comes the feeling of wanting to be there. That desire to be with the person, even though you cant. Other people are there, I wanna be there. Yall know that part. Its over? cant accept it easily. but, day by day goes by and i expect it more and more.

 

I had a picture of her on my laptop. fullscreen, and it wasnt distorted or grainy. The problem is that with the size of my screen, and the pic being just a head shot with a little shoulder, it made the image near life size. Its the closest I have ever been able to get to her, or see her. I lay down, and in the swirling images behind my eyelids I see her face there. Yall are prolly tired of hearing this record. No problem. Just putting thoughts and things here. Even if nobody reads them I still feel better just being able to put it down somewhere.

[Nicodaemos]

its done. she wont even tell me anything. she misunderstands me, entirely on every level. I dont know who didnt say the right thing, and i dont know where things got crossed. but its done for her. I still hope, cant help but do that. just gotta move though. my mind hurts, wont let me rationalize reasons. i just cant open my thoughts on it anymore, there is a pit there that i wont be able to get out of, so it will stay there. no solace.

[Island Girl]

Hi Nico.

 

Misunderstandings long distance are the worst.

 

I completely understand. My husband and I had a very basic misunderstanding one time - October of 2007.

At the same time the phones weren't working very well. So even when I could get hold of him one of us could hear the other but the other couldn't and then it'd switch.

So out of a twenty minute conversation 90 percent of it was "what? I can't hear you. Hello? Hello?"

All the while we had this horrible miscommunication that needed to be worked out.

It went on like that for over 2 months.

 

We did eventually work it out obviously.

 

So you don't know what will happen when some time passes. It is possible to get a new perspective and she just might. You may find that too.

 

You will be in a much better place financially in a couple of months.

 

That will be a huge weight off your shoulders. So in that way you will have a certain freedom and certainly reduced stress.

Your life will have possibilities you do not have right now.

 

And who knows where she will be mentally at that point.

 

Time is a funny thing. Especially when it comes to relationships.

The bad fades the fastest.

Even though you both said things that made each other angry or hurt each other. Those aren't the comments that will remain the strongest.

So she just may be more receptive to talking in a while.

 

If at that time you still want to talk to her I guess.

 

I'm pulling for you Nico. I think a lot of us here are.