SusanJ Posted October 6, 2003 Posted October 6, 2003 I hope I don't bore you all, but writing this out is good therapy too and hoping! someone out there has some sound advice. I'm feeling too insecure and vulnerable to properly understand all this. Three years ago, I was introduced to a guy, whom the friend thought we would make a great match. This mutual friend is a loving person and would only recommend the best for me. She felt I would make a great friend for him and more... She told me the guy had just recently divorced after ten years of marriage and with three children, so when he contacted me the next day and we organized to get together for a drink, I was very aware of his pain. When we met, he was rather bitter about life and I didn't fancy him at all and just thought, well.... he needs a friend. I saw him from time-to-time then started asking him along to outings with friends to get him to meet new people. I even tried to hook him up with a couple of my girlfriends, hoping he would be interested in them. As time went on, we confided in each other more, had the most fantastic fun together, with or without my friends. Movies, picnics, dinners, drinking outdoors on hot summer days. I could see he was opening up more and more and really appreciating life. He bought his children along to my parties, everyone adored them, and more and more we were getting together with wonderful, fantastic outings. He genuinely made an effort to come along, make the time and hang out. Many friend commented "we would make a great couple", but I ignored it because I felt he wasn't ready for anything and would only use me as a rebound. Also there was a part of me which thought, someone special was around the corner. I must admit, there was a lot of body language between us which was close, warm, flirty and loving, but I just thought that's how good male and female friends are who are slightly attracted to each other. I did meet a guy once and my friend became quite jealous, said biting things about him, so I ignored him for a while. When I broke up with the guy, I was confiding in my friend and he seemed "rather pleased". We contined to go out and about, each year our friendship getting stronger. We often told each other how close we were and he told me several times, he has never spoken to anyone as genuinely close to me, even his wife. Which makes me think....what did he ever talk to his wife about. We just never seem to stop to have stuff to talk about, explore, have a laugh and generally enjoy each others company. We would go dancing and just have a good laugh. He would tell me he was seeing a couple of girls at the same time, because he just didn't have strong feelings for either of them, but having fun and the "right one would come along one day". I said to him, he was a decent guy deep down, but don't become an a**hole because the girls may not know about each other, but they have feelings, blah blah, but hey! I could only listen and advise him on how I would feel if it would happen to me. He liked my upfront way of speaking, honest approach to life and generally felt comfortable with me when talking about intimate things in his life. Well, about 2 months ago, one of my friends asked him outright....did he fancy me. He replied yes. He fancied me the moment he laid eyes on me 3 years ago, but because I never returned the feelings (heck! I didn't know), he now said he doesn't have any feelings for me, but just as a friend. Not a problem, we continued to see each other as friends as usual. I really didn't care, but then did I... Then it started changing. When he talked about the two girls he was seeing, I was becoming more and more jealous. His e-mails and phone calls to me were always high level of communication, we would meet for lunch, but I just started feeling, I want to be with him more and more, but intimately as well. I became quite emotional one day and broke down in tears over the phone. He was genuinely taken aback as I usually am fairly happy-go-lucky. I blamed the tears on the memories of my father's death, which was a lie, it was basically because I was falling in love with him, but didn't know how to handle it. The next day, he told me how touched he was as he had felt very close to me during a vulnerable time. One day, soon, I wrote to him and I told him I had the feeling I was falling in love with him. I asked him to be patient, as I know he had strong feelings for me for a while, but no longer and I would try and sort it out and try and continue our friendship and let it affect us. One evening, was invited to a special, grand evening out and asked him along as my companion. In my way, I felt like it would be nice to dress up and go to this fancy cocktail with him. I deliberately wore something stunning and he told me how ravishing I looked. Wow! First time ever a guy told me this. Well, I shall cut it short now, but basically we became intimate that night, most fabulous, sensuous sexy fun I have had with a guy. He said on a couple of occassions "this is wrong", but I said it "was bound to happen". Well the next day he called said it was wonderful what we had together that evening, but by this time, I had become quite worked up. Even though he wasn't serious about the other two girls he was seeing on and off, I still felt bad. He also said "he wasn't ready for a relationship or committment". He also said he was "confused". He left be a couple of e-mails and phone calls over a couple of days, which I didn't take. I was so affected by it all, and eventually I called him and asked him to give me space and just let things happen as they will. I wanted to distance myself from him, so he can sort out his life, how he feels about stuff and just let it be. I haven't seen him for a month and he hasn't contacted me, I guess he is respecting my wishes of me having some space. I miss him terribly, miss talking to him, writing to him, hanging out with him. I just can't believe our bad timing. If he once felt strongly for me, can it just go away like this? Did I mis-read all the body-language, did the people around us mis-read it too? Was he being intimate just a fling for him? Did it affect him badly when I confided my feelings towards him? Maybe I shouldn't have, but just kept it quiet and carried on with our friendship. What now? Should I not contact him again, or should I have a proper talk to him now since some time has passed? Have we been protecting ourselves and not really letting out the truth, or he just genuinely wants to be a friend? Any help and advice would be so appreciated.
Tony T Posted October 6, 2003 Posted October 6, 2003 There is no real way to accurately determine what's going on in his head but he doesn't sound like the kind of guy you can count on right now for any kind of relationship. However, if you want to preserve the friendship you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him as soon as he will come out of hiding. People have to be very mature for friendships to survive sexual encounters like this. It's very possible he feels he wants to move on. It's also possible he just doesn't want a romance right now. All kinds of things can be happening in his head. I think it sucks big time for a man to have sex with a friend of long standing and then stop communicating. That's a sign of an immature child. On second thought, maybe you just ought to get back out there and search for a MAN with his marbles together and forget this baby. If you must, though, talk to him. Fat chance you'll get much out of him but at least you would have given it a try.
Author SusanJ Posted October 6, 2003 Author Posted October 6, 2003 Well, he didn't stop communicating with me, it was me that stopped with him. I felt it was better to put some distance. He did call me a couple of time and sent a couple of e-mails after the event, but I ignored them because I became upset with the situation. I thought by asking him to give me space, I wanted to see how things went with time. But I'm confused by all his mixed messages and whether I should never have told him I was falling in love with him. Did I do the right thing? Should I continue to give myself space? Or should I contact him and try and pretend it didn't all happen and try and get on with the friendship?
moimeme Posted October 6, 2003 Posted October 6, 2003 I just can't believe our bad timing. If he once felt strongly for me, can it just go away like this? I think it's possible to miss a window of opportunity or a 'moment'. I have, once or twice. I'm a real expert at not believing my good fortune when somebody I think well of appears to think well of me. I hang back, afraid to appear too eager, and they move on. Did I mis-read all the body-language, did the people around us mis-read it too? I once had a male friend who was very like your friend. We were very emotionally intimate with each other - but that was all. People seeing us together were sure we were deeply involved. He, apparently, had had problems being emotionally and physically intimate with the same person! He actually wanted to maintain our relationship when he started going out with someone! 'There's none as queer as folk'; people have issues and some people have some pretty unusual ones. In your case, I think Tony's idea of maintaining the friendship is a good one. Lay it all on the line. I would hope that you two could remain friends even if you are at different points on the 'expectations of relationship' spectrum. If you can handle it, of course.
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 6, 2003 Posted October 6, 2003 I've seen some wonderful romances blossom out of friendships, but seldom have I seen a romance turned platonic friendship last beyond the point where one eventually weens them self off of the other. It misses something that one can't get back once that line has been crossed. Maybe this is what he was afraid of? I think you were very wise not to become involved with him during his initial breakup. He was vulnerable, you were the only one there, and it may have indeed turned into nothing more than a "rebound." Now that you have helped your friend regain his confidence, and he is meeting other women, he may be enjoying his newfound freedom and wants to experience this for a while before settling down again. I also agree with Tony and Moimeme. I also think that sometimes it's simply a matter of "timing." Continue your friendship if you can, but if a friendship isn't enough for you right now, you should stick to your plan to just let go rather than torture yourself in the name of unrequited love.
Author SusanJ Posted October 6, 2003 Author Posted October 6, 2003 Thank you for all your wise and decent replies, much appreciated. I shall try my best to either re-capture the friendship or move on. There are still some niggling things I want to know, which maybe is best when it's all simmered down, but I do feel I need to touch base with him at some time. See how we're both doing. Since the break of 3/4 weeks, I thought to myself, "do I want to be with someone who has three kids, limited time with me and so forth, also someone who is confused and not sure of what they want"... The time apart has been interesting to think things through a bit. Shame really, because we were rather perfect, quite compatible together, really had so much fun. Well, at least I helped him through a tough period in his life and I know I have his utmost respect. Thank you again....
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