Why is he doing this?!

[Caitbby]

Well me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up in Sep,08. When we were dating we were best friends, did everything together and his family is like my own. His mom loved me like her only daughter. Him and I were so in love and you could tell, he looked, acted and was just plain head over heels for me. The only thing that I used to get irritated about was when he smoked because I worry about him and don't want to see him get addicted like his parents and he knew that.

 

When we broke up it was completely out of the blue. He explained how he still was in love with me but didn't want to hurt me any more with his actions(smoking etc) and said a casual "it's not like we're getting married", to lighten the mood. We bawled our eyes out and i've never seen him cry that hard and he said that he hadn't cried that hard in years. Anyways we spent the days after almost the same we just weren't romantic with eachother.

 

I love him and respected his decision to break up even though it completely tore me apart. I found out about a month later that he started having sex with my best friend(well was my best friend until she played dumb and lied about it). So now i'm pretty sure she had a good portion in what happened in september. We gradually stopped talking and barely talked after a while. He got new stoner friends and is occupied with that and has done a complete 360 change.

 

Now I am trying to be as close(have been trying since!) He completely avoids me and acts completely akward around me. I try so hard to talk to hirm but it just gets akward for him and he goes into the other room. I hate how it has become and he used to say how if i wasn't in his life he woudn't know what to do and how we would never drift apart. Well it's happening and when I finally put everything on the table he responded with "well the fact is things are the way they are now and I think it's best for us and I gotta be honest i don't have feelings for you" he also said we run completely different agendas and i wouldn't like it very much amd he just has become indifferent.

 

Shortly after we spoke about this he took down the picture of us in his room. His mom said she doesn't believe he has no feelings for me because with the way he was with me he is probably avoiding me to not feel anything because he still does. I am losing him and he was someone completely important in my life and we barely talk. I'm trying so hard and I just don't know what to do anymore. I believe there's something still there in what he feels but at this point who knows?

[Geishawhelk]

I'm afraid you need to leave it be, detach from him, and get on with your life.

Your relationship was with him, not his family.

Stay on good terms with them if you want, but just leave him alone, do't hang around him, and let go.

 

Sorry hun, but for whatever reason, it's over.

[Narf]

Hey... I agree with Geishawhelk

For whatever reason he has choosen to end it and has told you he doesnt want you anymore... Nothing you can say or do will change his mind.

 

Give him space leave him alone... It kinda sounds to me like you make him feel guilty about what he wants to do right now and it is worse now cause he has stoner friends.. Seeing you is awkward for him cause he knows you disapprove but at this stage it is what he wants to do. I would try to let go... Let him make his own mistakes and hopefully he will learn from them.

 

Not many people like being told what to do... Even if it is in their best interest

[Caitbby]

Thanks for the advice

I know though, this is what I hear all the time... but it's that little feeling of hope, something there that he cares deep down because a lot of the reason we broke up in the beginnning was to not hurt me. It's also since I see him every so often because his family is like my own, there are those little things I notice that kinda tip me off into thinking he still does care but is overall masked by him being quiet and ignoring me and averting my gaze, etc.

[Ronni_W]

little feeling of hope, ...little things I notice

I was reading an article earlier, something like, "Ten Ways to Increase Your Self-Esteem". One of the tips was: Take of your rose-coloured glasses because it only gives you a distorted view of reality (which makes it impossible to see and accept what is.)

 

I know it is difficult but I'd suggest to make sure that you are not seeing "signs" that do not exist in reality, that you're only perceiving due to that "rose coloured" view called 'false hope'.

 

The other part goes to why are you not trusting that he is intelligent enough to know, and comfortable enough to express, his own, current feelings? -- "I don't have feelings for you" and "things are the way they are now" are both really pretty clear. It suggests that, for him, the past is the past, and he's choosing to live in the present, according to his current feelings.

 

It really doesn't matter what reasons he gave, or how he broke up with you. He ended it. It's over. He took the action, and now his words are backing up his actions.

 

Hugs. I know it sucks and is painful. But holding on to your false hope will only serve to prolong the agony. Hopefully you'll soon be able to let that go, and begin your healing.

[Caitbby]

It does hurt

 

You know what?

 

I started tearing up when I read what you said because... you're right. I keep thinking "Things were amazing! He'll realize the mistake he made!"

 

It's most likely not going to happen and it sucks because no matter what promises were made, or what I see him doing now(signwise) I lost him and it's hard to accept. I just feel almost stupid because it's been 7 months and I'm still not over him and everything has gotten worse between us. *sigh* I've officially stopped talking to him and left him a message saying "you know what you were totally right, about everything." and just left it at that. We don't go to same schools anymore so it's not like we have to really see each other or communicate.

 

Thanks for a slight reality check; it's not like I haven't heard it before but you put it point blank really.

[popey]

I know its easier said then done, but don't feal stupid Caitdbby. I've yet to meet a person who can see in their own life, with the same intelligent clarity they can see outward. We human beings have a great way of seeing/hearing/believing what we want to.

 

I do understand how it can make you feel that 7 mos is too long a lesson, but people take as long as they need to take. You are working on it, and will move forward. I'm sorry you're hurting, and really do empathize. You are among many who have felt the same, for what its worth.