Friends-Rejections-Lovers Saga.

[lammie]

This saga is long, I apologise in advanced that this is quite lengthy.

 

I'm hoping someone can shed a light here as I've heard too many different things from various friends and making me more confused than ever.

 

I've met him 4 years ago at a party in our hometown (we're from the same city but was visiting at the time he moved to the UK), we kept in touch, found out that we'll be in Vancouver the same time (me holiday, him for work). We met up. One night a friend of mine trying to kiss him but he said no, he ran to me and told me because he wanted to kiss me instead. We kissed. We spend the next 2 days together: coffee, brunch, sight seeing and film. Before we flew back to our cities, he told me that he really likes me but he can't start anything with me because we live in different countries, that's also why he broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years because she refused to move to the UK with him. Fair enough. We kept in touch and met up whenever he was in town.

 

A year later, i made a stupid promise that i'll fly to the UK to spend his birthday with him. I did. Stupid me. I made him a full champagne breakfast, but all he said was "you're too good to me!" (damn right i am!) but obviously it wasn't what i wanted to hear. We had a heart-to-heart later that night, I confessed that my feelings for him. At the time, he didn't gave me "no" nor a "yes" but a "not now" as his ex was moving to the UK that summer and he wanted to see what happens. We remained "friends", kept in touch, saw each other when he was in town.

 

Two years ago, i happened to move to the UK for work. We spend a lot of time together. We're still in different cities but only 45 mins train ride apart. We have lots of common interest, we're compatible in many areas, views and values, and enjoy each others company very much. Perhaps because i've always see him more than a friend, i always felt like we're on a date whenever we "hung out", as we always get mistaken as a couple, we always end up wearing matching clothing and he ALWAYS insist of paying everything. I call these "platonic dates". We talk about future a lot. Not "future together" but where do i see myself in 5 years, if i would move back or where i would like to settle down, as if he's testing waters where i fit into his future life. (maybe it was just me reading too much into it) I've never moved on from him but I just kept it a secret.

 

A week ago, he has invited me to visit him to accompany him to a black tie dinner with the Ambassador. I looked really hott. We had a few drinks that night but we're lucid. I told him that he hasn't been a good friend, he told me that he wanted to spend more time with me and will make more effort. Went back to his and we started chatting. He told me that he's recently dumped by his ex (one metnioned above, they've been on-off (off more than on) for the last 2 years) FOR GOOD this time. BUT she randomly rang him up and told him that she's flying over to spend Valentines with him. They spend the weekend together but said nothing happened (i believe him). Next day she was like "okay, i gotta fly back now, bye". He was left messed up. A month ago he tried to see another girl but didn't worked out, they had one date (She was laid off and has to move back to Aussie, thanks gordon brown!) Then he started asking me why aren't i seeing anyone. I said i didn't want a relationship, i felt jaded about guys and relationships and I need to work on a few personal issues before I can open up to someone. He insisted of asking what those issues are, I couldn't tell him partly because it was about him. He kept on prying and prying, I was stupid and thought it was a good opportunity to spill the beans, so i said "it's because i'm still in love with you!" He was shocked. He thought that was ages ago that i fancied him and that i've moved on a long time ago. Truth was, i never had moved on. He told me that he's too messed up right now to start a new relationship, he likes where we're at, just wanted to be friends. (ARGH those most hateful 5 words!!)

 

Bed time rolls around, he asked if i mind sharing a bed with him. We've shared beds in the past a few times, there were always no more than a kisss here and there and cuddling. Partially why i liked him, thought he was a real gentleman. I said "Sure, we're just friends, it's not like anything will happened. Wrong. He initialled me, one thing led to another, things got really heated, we didn't go all the way. He insisted that's where he draws the line and he "doesn't want to wreck our friendship". Gosh, such a girl thing to say!! Told him to get off me, but he couldn't keep his hands off me. Things heated again, but same thing happened at the last minute, this went on for 2 hours. ARGH!!! As you can all imagine my frustration.

 

Next morning. Nothing has been addressed. He knows that one-night-stand is never really my character. We spend the rest of the day together, but mostly me being overly emotional and sobbing, him, trying to cheer me up and asking questions about what's my ideal wedding, how many children i want to have, and what my wedding dress will be like. WTF. I told him taht it's been hard for me to be friends with him because we have such a brilliant time together then i go home very upset because it'll never happen. It's really difficult for me to be friends with him without the extra feelings attached. We said our goodbyes, I said "we'll talk". He sorta left the ball in my court and also said "yeah, just give me a call or an email if you wanna talk.

 

It's been a week. I'm actually quite angry at the fact that that night has never been addressed. He hasn't contacted me since, I feel like despite he's left the ball in my court, he should have dropped me a line at the very least because it was him who initialled it and that he's the guy. (sorry guys) I don't regret what happened that night.

 

Most of my girlfriends said i should cut all ties with him and move on. I really like spending time with him, i'll regret not having the opportunity to see him. I think from last weekend, i've learned that we actually don't know each other all that well, and now we've also discovered a whole new side of us in the bedroom. We both like the sneak preview. I definitely want it to happen again. I've always been a typical scorpio, very black or white, all or nothing but i've found myself in a sea of grey. I don't want a relationship anyway, this is self-improvement year, I just wanted to focus on myself. This has all came out at a wrong time. i didn't tell him because i want a relationship with him. My guy friend insisted that i should keep spending the time with him (of course, him making all the effort) and go in with lower expectations or none at all. Definitely do not bring up and talk about "that night", but less talk, more action. He said that proximity will be difficult but that's the way if momentum builds, it builds, if it doesn't i can then get a more decisive view about it and about him. My guy friend also said that "Once a guy had a taste, it's a lot more tougher to say no.

 

I don't know what to do. I really want to see him, his birthday is coming up and I really want to celebrate with him next weekend as well but he'll be away (hiking with friends, not invited) the weekend following then he'll be off back home for work for a few weeks, i'm guess he'll be back with the ex again (my nightmare - i've met her, she's ugly, argh!). I really want to talk about that night, it bugs me big time.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Thoughts? Advice? My apologies again for being too lenghy.

[WTRanger]

I think you need to figure out what you want first before you can start to figure out what you want with this guy. This is from my perspective, you can never plan to not have a relationship form. You can't say, "It's not supposed to work this way." Because life, love, feelings never follow a plan or if they do follow a plan it's almost assured that it will be the polar opposite of your plan. I think it's just life's way of saying, "See I can so totally screw with you!"

 

Me personally, I never tell myself that this year I'm not planning on being in a relationship because that's an impossible promise. You don't know who you might meet and what feelings might develop. I prefer to go with whatever happens, happens and I'll deal with it at the point of contact.

 

I wouldn't cut ties with him. That's not the answer either. He did leave the ball in your court so the speak, so I think you should be the man in this situation and talk to him. Sitting around and thinking that since he's the guy he should always initiate contact is probably the wrong thing to do. He did leave it up to you to contact him so I can almost assure you that he's waiting for you and he may not take the no contact from you as a sign he's no longer wanted. I can't say that for sure, but if you want to talk to him, then talk to him. Be the initiator of the contact. As grown adults it should not matter which gender should be the one to start the contact, just do it if you want to.

 

At this point you need to talk about that night. It's the proverbial pink elephant in the living room or the turd in the punchbowl. You need to address the fact that it is there and what you can do to remove it. Once you've resolved that issue, then you can move forward. But right now, it seems as if that is the biggest road block.

 

Remember, no good battle plan survives first contact with the enemy. So always have a back-up plan(s).

[lammie]

Thanks for your post. It's good to hear advice from someone that I don't know. I love my friends, but their advices are just protective of me from getting hurt.

 

I took your advice and called him tonight. I mainly called trying to set up a time he'll come down to talk. I called him but he missed the call, he called back 10 mins later. He's really ill. He wasn't feeling well the next day when we were together. We talked about half an hour. Most of them are casual banter was a bit awkward in the beginning with the small talks but we warmed it up to a light hearted chat. He asked if i'm feeling better and if i still feel weird. I said still a bit weird. He apologised if he has confused me, and he said he will still like to see me. I said, i've always enjoyed his company so wouldn't hurt to give it to go. He prolly can't come see me this weekend because he's ill, he said he'll let me know how he feels later in the week but i told him i'm busy anyway this weekend better the next weekend. he would definitely like to see me the week after before he leaves for Canada (3 weeks for work, i just hope his ex won't stir up s***. But that's beyond my control). He said we'll be in touch. So i guess that can give me more time to think about what i want and what to talk about.

 

Well, I usually have my eyes open for prospects. Reason why i declare "no relationship year" is that, I've been too disappointed in the past, I have lots of insecurities to work on, personal goals, and to gain that confidence again. I know no one can predict what will happen, who you might meet etc. I'm not going to say "no" if someone does come along.

 

I *think* i know what I want and this might go against with my friends' advices but no one knows better than what's right for me. I will certainly miss him if he's not around my life, I don't think i could cut ties with him. I didn't confess to him to be in a relationship with him. Relationship now will freak me out in fact. There's nothing wrong with just enjoying each other's company for now, like you said, whatever happens happens. I guess the initial rejection just hurts, especially you've rejected by the same person before, I've definitely made too dramatic reactions the next day and let that took over the better side of me. I actually feel more liberated because I don't have to hide the secret any more and I can be completely honest with him now. There's no harm in getting to know each other, carry on like how we always have and see how we go, I definitely wouldn't mind "things" happening again. Mmmmmmm... I'm not going to wait for him to turn around i'll still keep my eye peeled for someone else to come along.

 

Yes, the pink elephant need to be addressed. Whether he agrees or not our friendship is changed when you have sexual contact of any form. We both didn't expected that it happened, i just felt confused that it happened after his rejection, I think he was confused too. It was good nevertheless and i don't regret it but it needs to be addressed.

[lammie]

Update:

 

Met up last night, we had a great time, thought to wait to address the above elephant when he gets back from Canada so we didn't talked about that. He ended up staying over. We woke up in the middle of night, started fondling each other (he started, i reciprocated), then after a while, he stopped me and said "it's wrong, i thought we weren't going to do that". I said "fine" and rolled to the other side. What i should have said was "we never talked about the elephant!" ARGH! The thing is, we both wanted it last night... it sucks.

 

In the morning before we left my place, we had this weird long embrace that friends wouldn't do – embrace at waist, it was long, no pat on the back, our hearts started poudning then we broke off the embrace because it started to get awkward.

 

Errr... he always say one thing but his actions say otherwise. From what i've read mostly here, it's not recommended to get involved to FWB especially when one party likes the other more. I don't know if i should discuss with him or just let things happen naturally if they should?