I really spooked her this time......

[WTRanger]

Long story short. I got really close to this girl over a course of about 5 months. We both moved to a new area so we initially we bonded by the fact that all we knew was each other and we had pretty much all of the major things in common. I was always there for her through the tough times in her life during that period. She had major surgery, family issues, laid off from her new job, etc. About a month ago she all of a sudden started to act really distant, almost for no reason other than it was nearing Valentines Day and I did ask her to do something. The Valentine's Day thing seemingly started the whole chain reaction. She hinted at an impending relationship but said that she didn't have time or it would be stressful if we did it now. When I agreed that we would make a good couple, in the future when things calmed down. She freaked out. Now, she's gone total no contact for almost a month now. I've only tried to contact her twice so I'm trying to give her the space she asked for, but jeez. Almost a month?

 

She countered that "she never intended" to be in a relationship with me. Well, does anyone really ever intend on a relationship in the beginning? She never came out and said that she didn't see me as a boyfriend or that she didn't have the same feelings I did. She just never intended it for it to happen.

 

What does it all mean? Was she spooked by the feelings for me when at a time in her life that she probably doesn't see herself in a relationship? Or does the never intended part pretty much mean the same as I only see you as a friend and I'm just wishfully misinterpreting it?

 

In the past when I've told close friends my feelings and they've truly didn't have the same feelings I did. They were open about it. We talked it out and I'm still good friends with them. This time, this is much rockier than I'd ever expect it to go, which has me thinking she was feeling something much deeper. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

 

I really want this silent treatment to end. I just miss her as a friend right now. Is there any good way to try to end this or do I have to wait it out? But for how long? How long can this possibly go? Ending what I thought was a great friendship and a potentially great future relationship because I was honest with her about my feelings? Really? In this world, it seems I could do so much worse that being honest and always being there for her when she needed me to.

 

I was thinking of leaving a well thought out note and some flowers at her door one day. That way it's sweet and from the heart, but not as confrontational as just showing up at her door. Right now, I just want to focus on getting the friendship back online, but the longer she drags this out the harder it is becoming for me not to see her in this negative light.

[mr.reverb]

5 months isn't really that long to have a bonding friendship that wont end. If I were you, since it's been a month, I'd move on. Maybe seeing you happy on your own will take the fear away from her. I think she's affraid of having a relationship with you. If you're doing fine on your own, it may take the pressure off of her and allow her to open up to you again because she wont be as worried about you wanting a relationship.

[WTRanger]

You're right, 5 months isn't that long. But still, I'd like to not give up without a fight or at least an explanation.

 

At this point I really don't want to lose the friendship. This is the first person I felt myself connect to since I moved here. I moved almost 3000 miles away from everything and everyone I knew to take a job opportunity that I felt I couldn't pass up. She moved here from another part in the state, but we both we experiencing that just moved from my family loneliness. That's what I think got us to meet up, then when we got to talking we find out we have a lot in common. So her friendship, to me, is something that I don't want to lose.

 

Though, as time goes on I'm beginning to wonder if trying to make things work, even just a friends, again is worth my effort if she's not going to help. So do you think I shouldn't even try to get her to open up by leaving a simple note and a small non-romantic as possible bouquet of flowers at her door?

 

To me, ending a friendship by not talking is one of the dumbest ways to go. I'll never understand why people get afraid of relationships when they have even slightly deep feelings for someone. It seems the deeper your feelings to more scared you are to commit. However, if you think to other person is a total douche, well then you'll date them in a second. I do know she had her closest relationship end in tragedy, so maybe that's playing on her mind when it comes to her feelings for me.

[Goldstar]

I would not leave her a note or a flower. Yes it would be a wonderful gesture, but if she didn't reply you would be in a new world of hurt.

 

I don't agree with the way she handled it, but for whatever reason, she does not feel the same way about you and rather than being mature, she ran away.

 

She does not want to date you. I understand you want to keep the friendship. The ball is in her court. Do not chase her anymore. If she comes back around, great you can resume. If she does not, then she is not good friend material. Not a real friend anyway. IMHO.

 

I am sorry it is not working out for you, please take this time to work on yourself and put yourself out there for new friends and gfs in your life.

[WTRanger]

I sort of agree with not doing anything else at this point. I mean I think I'm ready to deal with the fact that she'd probably not respond to the letter, but am I really? The ball really is in her court.

 

However, there is the stubborn side of me that does not want to let this end in just silence. To the sadistic part me, that's just junior high school immaturity to think that if she doesn't want to talk then fine, I'll show her by not trying to talk back to her. It's like reading a book only to find out you are missing the last chapter. You don't know how it's going to end or if there will ever be a sequel. This side of me thinks that by leaving her a note and if she doesn't respond then it will provide 100% and total closure. It will confirm that her heart has indeed iced over and people that cold are not welcome in my life. If she doesn't want to write the final chapter with me or star in the sequel, then I'll finish it for her.

 

I try to live life not wanting to endure holding a grudge against anyone. Right now, if I just leave it as is then I'll always harbor negative feelings against her. If I can get closure, then I can write it off as I tried everything. I hate holding grudges because we don't know what the future brings, and if something were to happen to the person you hold a grudge against, all you are left with is trying to make peace with a coffin that can't talk back.

 

Maybe I'm just being too mature about this whole ordeal when she's clearly wanting to play the silent mind games trick. Perhaps it's not worth the effort of even writing a final goodbye to her. This is just the first time I've really experienced the true coldness of someone, and it's shockingly cold. I guess I was just lucky in the past, even when things went totally south with a friend or girlfriend, we were at least we mature enough to have one final talk and have an opportunity to bury the hatchet and say our proper good-byes. Some I still keep in contact with, some I don't. But at least I was able to finish that part of the story that is my life. But this, this is just retarded.

[Ricky01]

I am sorry to read about the miscommunication between the two of yours' feelings. It is never easy to swallow rejection. I have no true advice other than the obvious.

 

This game is unfair and sometimes tricky. 1/2 of the time, women want to be pursued and actually enjoy this game whether they chose for this, or this is just how it may be happening. Of course the other 2/2 they really stick to wha they decide regardless of the logic or reasoning. Men do the same, but of course we react differently.

 

I say, and well luckily 5 months is a fairly introductory amount of time. I say, she knows how to contact you if she needs to. Bare in mind, that I am sure the option resurfaces in her head about you at some point at some time, some way, but you really just have to make peace with her decision. (great advice huh?)

 

There's a fine line between being considered "amazing" or "creepy". More times than less, its really just the manner of how the woman percieves it and not how you intend it to be.

 

Sometimes, it just don't work.

[WTRanger]

Ricky and Goldstar, I think you two are spot on. As much as I think that a simple letter and simple flowers would be a decent gesture, there is no 100% assurance that she will see it that way. Even if I try to keep the letter as friend neutral as possible, she can always put her spin on it. The best intentions on my part may be the worst received on her end. Me pushing things too far got me into this mess, so I think I just need to let her have as much space as she needs. If she comes around, she will do so. If not, then I'm slowly coming to grips with that too. It's just really hard to sit back and try to suppress the thoughts that she's sitting over at her place getting more pissed off by the second because I'm not contacting her becuase I'm supposed to be the man therefore it's my job to persue her. Even though she initiated the space and didn't respond to two attempts to get a hold of her. You just never know what goofy rules are going through a person's head. Especially when the space mode was iniated in the most vaguest of terms. For now, I'm done taking risks with her and just let her drive for a while.

 

I went all in and lost all of my chips. I think it's time to fold the next few hands and see what cards I get dealt. However, I don't regret taking that gamble. I risked everything I had with this person for a shot at the big time. While I may have lost for now, at least I know I took that gamble. Too many times in the past I've held in the feelings until they became a poison in not only me but the friendship. Still, it doesn't make the distance between this person that much easier to deal with. PLus when she put her trust in me that I would be there for her, and I pushed her away somehow that makes me feel incredibly guilty for telling her my feelings for her.

 

Even though 5 months isn't that long, becuase this person was the first person that I was able to connect to out here that means I fell too hard too fast with her. When the bottom dropped out I was left without a support network that was close to me. All of my family and real friends were 3000 miles away so that made a diffucult situation almost an impossible one. I had to deal with trying to get over her in my head until I found this great site.