Attempting to reignite the relationship as the dumpee

[AgentSmith2009]

Is there any way to do this when you're the one who got dumped without seeming needy or desperate? For example, would it ever be appropriate or not completely ill-advised to contact the ex and say, "I would like to get together wth you for lunch (or coffee)." Do second chances always have to be initiated by the dumper?

[samspade]

Is there any way to do this when you're the one who got dumped without seeming needy or desperate?

 

No.

 

For example, would it ever be appropriate or not completely ill-advised to contact the ex and say, "I would like to get together with you for lunch (or coffee)."

 

It's only appropriate if all you want to do is get lunch or coffee with your ex.

[not_a_happy_camper]

agentsmith, I'm the dumpee in my situation, and I initiated contact recently, same thing, to meet up for coffee. But I was looking for closure or a way forward together. we talked about the break-up. And I brought up the possibility of getting back together. this was two weeks ago. on friday we met again, and he apologised for breaking up with me, saying it was the biggest mistake of his life. We've decided we're going to take things slowly, meet up once a week, and see how things go. we're talking bit by bit about all the things that went wrong between us, and ways of fixing things. I can see how the break between us was good. I can see it now anyway! didn't at the time, because I didn't want it.

 

As the dumpee, asking for a second chance doesn't mean you have to lose your dignity in the process. Remaining a little detached from the situation will help. you don't have to beg. In fact, wearing your heart on your sleeve and pouring out all your emotions will do you no favours. my ex (I'm not sure what to call him now................former ex but not boyfriend again yet?!) described me as business like when we first met up! I'm just not getting emotionally invested yet, because yes, we are taking things slowly, but I'm still not sure that means we'll be able to work things out, even though it does sound promising so far. It is early days.

 

Just be aware that there is room for things to go both ways. Look at the reasons for the break-up. what went wrong, what you could have done to improve things from your side, without putting all the blame on yourself. It depends on each individual situation.

 

Why did your ex break up with you?

Have you been in touch since? If so, what was this like?

How long has it been since the break?

[Geishawhelk]

The dumper should only get in touch to say:

"I made a huge mistake, can you ever forgive me, how would you feel if we tried again, I promise I'll...<work on whatever it is that hinged a breakup>"...

 

The dumpee should only get in touch -

 

Oh.....

Hang on......

 

Ah.

That's right.

 

The dumpee should never get in touch.

 

Until they're happily married to someone else, with three kids, a dog and two cars.

 

Then you can get in touch and suggest coffee.

[HappyAgain]

I find everyone pretty much a naysayer on this forum; for good reason but naysayers nonetheless.

 

If you want to meet up and see what's happening with each other, asking for a coffee or lunch meet is a pretty safe way to go. But be prepared to accept the fact that they may refuse.

[wowIlose]

I'll agree with the above poster. If its something you want to do and its going to be bring you closure in one way or another then do it. Just don't be desperate and needy about the whole thing.

[BCCA]

I find everyone pretty much a naysayer on this forum; for good reason but naysayers nonetheless.

 

If you want to meet up and see what's happening with each other, asking for a coffee or lunch meet is a pretty safe way to go. But be prepared to accept the fact that they may refuse.

 

The problem is that youre really not meeting up to 'see whats happening' with one another. Chances are, if you ask your ex what they've been up to, and they start telling you about this great person that they have been seeing, you're going to want out of this get together ASAP.

 

What you really want is another chance, or to at least hear that the other person is considering it. This rarely, if ever, happens. Generally, you go into these get togethers with guarded optimism, knowing that it could very well go bad, but hoping for the best. Usually, all you get is a confirmation that it is infact over, kaput, fin.

 

Then, youre left angry and hurt. You go right back to sqaure one, and youve just given the person who dumped you a huge ego boost. You wasted your time, effort, and energy on something that wasn't there anymore.

 

So, if you really just want to say hi, sure - go ahead. But understand that the chances of you getting another try are not good. Also, if they do agree by some slim chance, rest assured - if you just waited them out, they would have approached you eventually.

[EasyHeart]

I agree with BCAA. If you do this, you have to be completely over her OR you have to be ready to get hurt.

 

The only way to get a second chance with an ex is if they miss you. They can't miss you if you check in on them to see what's new. If she misses you, she knows how to find you.

[Blessings]

I agree with BCAA. If you do this, you have to be completely over her OR you have to be ready to get hurt.

 

The only way to get a second chance with an ex is if they miss you. They can't miss you if you check in on them to see what's new. If she misses you, she knows how to find you.

 

 

 

How do you know if they miss you?

[Blessings]

i mean my ex had been texting me and calling me and i ignored him cause everyone said go NC but now im having doubts...what if he really did miss me?? am i missing something here??

 

 

i feel like i may have sabotagied any chances of us getting back??

[audrey_1]

I'm not really sure who the dumpee is in my situation, to be honest. I think we mutually crapped out on each other, but he is seeing someone else now whereas I am not. He knew I was coming into town for the weekend, and I awoke Saturday morning to a text from him saying he was available for coffee. I didn't meet him that day. I went for a jog and did other things, met with other friends that night. I met him on Sunday. I wanted to keep the talk light and out of our dating situations. He volunteered that his current relationship was "nothing too serious," which I ignored. In fact, I kept it very business-like. You have to protect your self. He hugged me when we were leaving. Haven't heard from him since and don't expect to. In my opinion, it's just a matter of convenience for them or something to cure their boredom. If I had jumped to run right there that Saturday, I'm sure it would have made me seem needy and at his beck and call. I probably shouldn't even have gone Sunday, but I did take my sweet time in meeting him at the coffeeshop.

[hopethisworks]

i mean my ex had been texting me and calling me and i ignored him cause everyone said go NC but now im having doubts...what if he really did miss me?? am i missing something here??

 

 

i feel like i may have sabotagied any chances of us getting back??

 

 

You might sabatoge them more if you get into contact. I think i fell for that trap this past week. Its funny the things exes will say compared to what actions they will make.

[CaliGuy]

Is there any way to do this when you're the one who got dumped without seeming needy or desperate? For example, would it ever be appropriate or not completely ill-advised to contact the ex and say, "I would like to get together wth you for lunch (or coffee)." Do second chances always have to be initiated by the dumper?

 

Nope. If they want you, they know how to find you. Any attempts on your part to repair a relationship that YOU did not break yourself is futile.

 

In fact, all you will do is make things worse and set yourself waaaay back.

[CaliGuy]

I find everyone pretty much a naysayer on this forum; for good reason but naysayers nonetheless.

 

 

Heh, that "good reason" is experience

[BCCA]

i mean my ex had been texting me and calling me and i ignored him cause everyone said go NC but now im having doubts...what if he really did miss me?? am i missing something here??

 

 

i feel like i may have sabotagied any chances of us getting back??

 

Listen, if there was any serious messages to relay, such as he missed you or wanted to give things another try, he would make sure you got the message if it meant standing out side your door or writing you a letter.

 

This is a mind game we all play with ourselves. You WANT his message to be something important, so you're rationalizing why you need to respond. And then, chances are, its going to be total BS and youre going to wonder why you didnt stick with your initial guy feeling.

 

If someone wants you to know they made a mistake, theyll travel through hell in a gasoline suit to get you the message. Chances are, he wanted someone to talk to, screw, or listen to his crap - nothing more.

[samspade]

Listen, if there was any serious messages to relay, such as he missed you or wanted to give things another try, he would make sure you got the message if it meant standing out side your door or writing you a letter.

 

This is a mind game we all play with ourselves. You WANT his message to be something important, so you're rationalizing why you need to respond. And then, chances are, its going to be total BS and youre going to wonder why you didnt stick with your initial guy feeling.

 

If someone wants you to know they made a mistake, theyll travel through hell in a gasoline suit to get you the message. Chances are, he wanted someone to talk to, screw, or listen to his crap - nothing more.

 

Agreed.

 

If its something you want to do and its going to be bring you closure in one way or another then do it.

 

In my opinion, closure is overrated. Really, I think it's just another silly excuse for desperate behavior. "Well, I found it she has a boyfriend, but it was good to have the closure." This is how the heartbroken rationalize to themselves the foolish decision to break contact - when they know it would have been better to leave well enough alone.

 

Personally, I would rather move on and avoid all of that - that's my closure.

 

As far as being a "naysayer," I guess I'm guilty as charged. But it's because I prefer reality to delusion.

[Mustain2234]

Here is my philosophy -- if you're questioning whether a dumpee should initiate a second chance just flip the situation around. Reflect on a time in your past if you've been the dumper, or just flip roles with your ex and imagine you're the one who dumped them. How would it seem if they were the ones to come back and ask for a second chance? I know I would view it as pathetic, and it would only heighten my ego. As if to say, "I dumped this person and they want me back so much they're willing to ask for a second chance. After I DUMPED THEM! ahahahahlolz"

 

I feel you, as the dumpee, have a lot more to lose than the dumper. If they try to come back and you say no, at worst you've both been rejected once. I don't believe a lot is lost. If anything, maybe she'll pursue harder. However, if you try to initiate a second chance and the ex says no, you've been rejected twice. You'll look pathetic, beaten, and it'll be even more difficult to hold even basic conversations.

 

 

Another idea that I believe is important for understanding whether an ex wants you back is, think back to the time before you and your ex dated. Remember how he/she was pursuing you? My ex couldn't go more than 3 days without texting me, and we'd talk -- at minimum -- 2 days a week. She'd always want to know what I'm doing over the weekend as well. Until we get to some point resembling this, if ever, I'm not going to think about a second chance.

 

I like to believe every dumper out there knows this. Like in my situation, I tell myself she has to have a basic understanding of this. If you had the courage to dump me, out of nowhere, then regain some of that hidden courage and be prepared to put yourself out on the line by asking for a second chance.

 

Hell, even if an ex says everything they should, I believe it isn't smart to restart it right away. Set boundaries. I know for a fact my ex believes all my friends hate her. I know all don't like what she did in dumping me, but they're my friends and will -- at worst -- grudgingly accept her. She'll just have to put it with this. I've met her and her friends, on her time, in the past and understood quite well they probably all thought I was pathetic for still seeing her. If I'm willing to put myself out like that, so should she.

[Mustain2234]

Also, let me add these phrases thrown about like "actions speak louder than words" and "wait until she apologizes" don't mean anything.

 

My ex kissed me several occasions nearly a year after our breakup. This being several days removed from a long conversation we had where she admitted making a mistake breaking up with me after a short period, saying she regretted it and has thought about it a lot.

 

Now, after these actions within a short period -- where basically a year prior she did neither, I thought we may be onto something. What happened afterwards? Twenty something days of no contact. And if she thought of that as her first move, admitting mistake and kissing me, then I guess I didn't bait. Maybe I missed an opportunity, but I thought -- and still believe -- that doing all these things still didn't mean anything but absolving herself of guilt and putting a spark into her night.

 

I actually had to bring up the issue later because it was eating me alive. I couldn't just hold regular conversations about her weekend and somehow act like it didn't exist. It actually aggravated me to think it was probably her plan all along. Next step would be having sex with me without any attachments. If anything, that night only furthered my position that anything short of "I want to give it another shot" wasn't going to work. And if we'd meet again it'd be on my terms. That was mistake one, of many, that night.

[seductress989]

I would like to offer a female perspective on this situation. I am almost always the dumper in my relationships and I can tell you from experience that if she felt that she made a mistake by dumping you SHE would contact you.

 

Since she is the dumper she would have to re-iniate contact. The dumper should always iniate a meeting not the dumpee. Unless you want to look desparate and without a life.(thats what I think of the ex who keeps calling me now after I ended it)*if i wanted to get back with him I would contact him*

 

Do not contact her. I know this is pain-staking and can drive you nuts. Just remember that if you REALLY care for her you will RESPECT her decision and don't force something that isn't there anymore. If she feels she has truly made a mistake she will contact you.

 

There's only ONE way that you should contact her: After 60 days of she-tox (strict NC) which allows you to ponder whether she's worth it or not. By the end of 60 days, if she hasn't contacted you in an effort to get back together, then she has probably moved on. By that time you may not feel that it is worth it either. I hope my honesty has clarified this for you. Good luck and remember that you are worth being loved!

[Mustain2234]

Seductress, just for clarification, when you write 'contact' are you referring to the idea of a dumper contacting the dumpee for purpose of trying to give the relationship another try; or just contact in the sense of meeting casually as friends?

 

I'd assume you mean contact with the purpose of trying the relationship again, but here's the issue -- distinguishing a casual meeting from one meaning something more.

 

I would like to believe if an dumper is serious about getting together they'd ask to meet, but also give some sort of idea of what their intentions are. Like "I want to talk about us" or something to that effect. This misunderstanding is why people fall into traps. They'll think to themselves, "my ex just invited me out to have a drink.....it must mean something!" when it reality it doesn't.

[hopethisworks]

Yeh, but even is she contacts you, it really doesnt change anything. She can tell you everything you wanted to hear, and still may only do it to know if you are still pinning around.

[hopethisworks]

I would like to believe if an dumper is serious about getting together they'd ask to meet, but also give some sort of idea of what their intentions are. Like "I want to talk about us" or something to that effect. This misunderstanding is why people fall into traps.

 

Even if the dumper makes it clear that they wanna talk about that, it can still be a trap.... Especially If your breakup is a situation where your ex is with someone else.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Gotta be confident. Remember you was the one that was dumped you gotta go there with your best face on and bring your A game. Just ask if ou wanna hang out more, if she says no, say okay cool. I'll make contingency plans then. It's aight. let her wonder what your up to.

[CaliGuy]

Gotta be confident. Remember you was the one that was dumped you gotta go there with your best face on and bring your A game. Just ask if ou wanna hang out more, if she says no, say okay cool. I'll make contingency plans then. It's aight. let her wonder what your up to.

 

No no no. That's bad.

 

"I'll make contigency plans?" That's basically telling his ex that "all my plans hang on the balance of your every word." Not good.

 

What he needs to do is tell her in a short sentence or two that he's done with her game. Period. If she wants to beat around the bush and play him like a fiddle, then only HE can prevent that by putting his foot down.

 

He has kids. They should be his priority. Not this silly, game-playing little girl.

[seductress989]

When I write "contact" I mean any contact *vm, txt, email, face to face, letters etc. period for the first 60 days after you have been dumped. Why do you want to make yourself look like an the picture of desperation.? I bet you are a great guy and have a lot to offer someone who has *mutual* feelings for you, don't u? Just ACCEPT her decision and if she changes her mind she will let you know....it's harsh but I'm trying to save you more hurt down the road.

 

For example, my most recent ex whom I dumped called me 10 times in one day and I did not return one of his calls as I am a strong believer in 60 day NC because it has worked more than once for me. Him calling me and leaving angry, sad:lmao:, and pleading voicemails made him even less attractive to me and thoughts of getting back with him even farther away. I, the dumper made the decision to end things because I need the *space* from him.

 

I am trying to help you see things from the other side of the fence. I don't think this person wants to hurt you, they just want space. Let her think about things while you hopefully clarify your own issues. You may realize in the process that she did not make a mistake by leaving and that you should let "sleeping dogs lie." Just trying to help. Please give NC some time, it really works. (i have tried it as the dumper mainly and also the dumpee)