HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Thanks for the responses. Should you? Up to you. It is a lie of omission and designed to hide...well what? The sordid truth? And...congratulations on 40+ years. Ha! You have been married longer than I have been ALIVE! That's great. So how DID you two do it? Any tips for us whippersnappers (can I say that?)? I was really joking about the "should I". I've made my peace with my maker and have certainly done much more good in this lifetime and for this world than bad. The sordid truth is really no one's business, I believe. As for the 40 years, it is all about finding the right partner. My wife is the most amazing woman I've ever met (if you watch TV, she's quite like the beautiful red-haired surgeon that was on Grey's Anatomy). I suppose to the outside world she no longer looks quite like that, but to me, she always will. I know that I come first with her, she knows that she comes first with me. Living your life that way can be amazingly satisfying. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Regardless of intent, it was a cruel act, just as her infidelity was. On the need to explain thing, I think it depends on whether one intends to maintain some of the mutual relationships formed during the marriage. I really like my XW's family and play golf with her dad and brothers all the time. I just did not want those relationships jeopordized by misinformation. I also wanted my kids to know what had happened as I did not want them to feel at all responsible and I wanted them to be wary of the OM, who lacked integrity, among other things. I think it is too bad you could not have waited until divorce before starting your new relationship. Seems terribly dishonorable and complicates things, I expect. Did you new wife have a similar history of infidelity? Link to post Share on other sites
desertmoon Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I think if she wants this OM so bad and cant wait I think the best thing for her to do is leave, pack all her things and bring them to OM's house, take her name off the martgage, forgoes any alimony and just leave. That's all a few of us are saying here, Chrome---she should leave. However, she doesn't have to be THAT stupid by not getting what is rightfully/legally is hers. Despite what you feel, if the law states she should get half of whatever they have accumulated during their marriage, then she should get it. Neither you nor her husband have to like it. Let the OM take care of her. her husband can probably do much better than a woman who cant make up her mind. She'll probably always have one foot out the door and never be happy not because her husband is never there, it's probably because SHE will never be happy inside. Probably. Then, good for her husband, no? She becomes the OM's problem! She thinks she loves this OM how much of that is truth, how much of that is fog? Like i said the grass isnt always greener. bt hey let her learn that the hard wa and if OM goes chris brown on her A** I cant be sympathetic to it because. she "loves" him right? There you go,Chrome, let her go...allow her to find her way---good or bad..let her "own" her life. Because you know...the "grass might not always be greener...but it might just be--jailbird and all";) I'm calling Bullshi* on the emotional abuse for years. No woman claims emotional abuse for years staying and then wants to jump ship. how do you females know she isnt lying about the relationship about her husband as evidenced on other sites Waward spouses rewrite history and lie!!! I think they we're probably a few arguements but I dont think he's an abuser like she portrayed him out to be. I think she said that to gain an sympathetic ear, but i aint buying it... Well...we can only work with what is presented on the board. Anything can be said about what they put on the board. May I tell you something? I think in your real life you are a cheat and you are on this site to channel a life that you can only wish for---a morally, upright man-- but really you are just pretending to be disgusted about cheating....OK, ok.ok...I am just kidding, Chrome ....but do you see what I mean? But just so you know,many people stay in abusive marriages for different reasons, then one day...they have an "AHA moment" (thank you, Oprah!) and they plan their exit strategy or at least, engage in activities outside of their marriage that they think make them happy....or maybe they do not have that "aha moment...maybe they are buyng for time--when the kids are grown, when enough money is saved up, etc.etc... And yes she did sleep around, she cheated with another man, so what do you call it, recreational reading? lol. it's definitely, recreational... I dont know what you mean by jump the fence but I have met a few females that are wifey material but time and time again women are emotional creatures any man can come along when she's weak and spit game and 95% of the damn time they will fall for it!!! And im not saying men dont cheat either but we're not talking about men on this particular thread though. if it was a dude I'd be talking the same way. im an equal opportunity guy. Ahm..huh? what's a "spit game"?...Indeed, women are "emotional creatures":rolleyes:..and men are what? what kind of creatures are men? By the way, I am curious, where did you get your statistical number? 95%? Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If you leave and it appears that is what you want. Don't put this on your husband no matter how he acted during the marriage. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. You could have separated or divorced at any time. When you leave you need to take the axe when it comes to family and friends. Don't sit around like you just did and destroy you husband again by badmouthing him to all that will listen and blame him for the affairs, both of them. The honorable thing, outside of trying to make the marriage work, would be to leave, give all assets etc to your husband and then walk away. This OM will not be allowed in the family and around your children. He stays away unless you need to stab you husband in the back again!! Don't humilate your husband any further by introducing the OM to any of your family or mutual friends. He will be part of a separate live you lead. After saying this I know that you will not do anything I suggested. You will balme your husband and introduce your OM as a good man who cheats on married women and has a prison record. You will introduce him to your kids and mutual friends to try and make your life easier with absolutely no regard to your husband. You will say you won't do these things but all cheaters in this type of situation will try and demonize their husbands and pump up their co-cheating OM as a really good guy, someone your friends should meet, and a better father figure then your husband. Oh and I almost forgot you will take all you can in the divorce further sticking it to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Hey kitty---now that you have been given advice both ways, what are you thinking about doing----we haven't heard from you, for a few days---how are you doing Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Hmm what if the man came to the marriage with 80% of the financial assets is that still marital income or property or is that soley his. Trust he probably could give her half of everything, and walk out with his 401k and pay her no alimony. Something people have been doing for a while would be Getting A damn job!!! lol. I feel she shouldnt leave with anything, since she's leaving, it should be forefeit but we'll see if it goes the litigation route. The OM wont probably last long all things considered he should have married her a long time ago when he had the chance and yet. they didnt do it then but now, all these years later? hmmm. He's not gonna stay I'd bet anything on it, no matter how much she loves this OM he is intrisinically flawed and with his track record it's a winner. Me a cheater??? LMAO really. If I was I'd own up to it. Well planning the the exit strategy might not work out now. her husband will probably be so mad he will divorce her anyways depending on his tolerance level for the affair. We'll see if we get an update. Recreational I wonder if Herpes is a recreational too you can share with your family too. yeah right. Spit game?? LOL Some guys just know when women are vulereable. And spitting game is like a man who says what you would like to hear and he knows how to twist your emotions to get the best outta you. 50% is truthful about meaning what they say when they spit game, but the other half is just trying to get in your draws, plain and simple. This cat was spitting game and she fell for it. You reall think the OM is sincere in what he's saying? Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Regardless of intent, it was a cruel act, just as her infidelity was. On the need to explain thing, I think it depends on whether one intends to maintain some of the mutual relationships formed during the marriage. I really like my XW's family and play golf with her dad and brothers all the time. I just did not want those relationships jeopordized by misinformation. I also wanted my kids to know what had happened as I did not want them to feel at all responsible and I wanted them to be wary of the OM, who lacked integrity, among other things. I think it is too bad you could not have waited until divorce before starting your new relationship. Seems terribly dishonorable and complicates things, I expect. Did you new wife have a similar history of infidelity? I could have, I chose not to. Do I regret it? I don't believe I do. Yes, I believe it was wrong, but in the scheme of things, really I am not sure it mattered all that much. My "new" wife (of 40 years now) had no history of infidelity (to the best of my knowledge anyway). I am her first husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I think I understand how you feel Dexter, and why you feel the way you do. Not in any way to excuse myself, but I would hardly say my XW was blameless and was really in any position to inflict punishment. She cheated early in our marriage. Well even though your cheating wasn't intended as "punishment" by you, I'd say that you both punished each other. I'd never cheat in revenge, and I'm not saying this is what you did. And although I despise cheating in any sense of the word, to be honest, I am not going to best anyone for cheating after they have been cheating on. I certainly don't condone it, and would still have a few choice words for said person....but once one party has cheated, all bets are off. But I still say the best "punishment" for a cheater is to dump them flat on their asses. Maybe throw their belongings out on the front lawn on a cold rainy day:) I could not forgive, but I had young children that I was not willing to take from their mother nor be a weekend father to. So, to the world, I forgave. I gave my kids a happy and stable homelife. The week that my youngest left for college, I moved out. I felt the same way. I didn't want to be a weekend father. I felt they would have been better off with me. But father's get the shaft. If the mother wants custody, she is going to get it hands down unless the father can prove beyond a reasonable doubt the mother is unfit. But there was NO WAY I was going to stay with her and look at her with disgust every single day. My kids would have seen it and I didn't want to live like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Hey kitty---now that you have been given advice both ways, what are you thinking about doing----we haven't heard from you, for a few days---how are you doing Yes, back to kitty...what are you going to do? You going to stay in the marriage and hold your husband hostage out of fear that you will lose friends and family support? Really though, how unfair to your husband to be stuck, knowingly or unknowingly, in a marriage with someone whose heart belongs to someone else?....and to a jailbird no less. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Well even though your cheating wasn't intended as "punishment" by you, I'd say that you both punished each other. I'd never cheat in revenge, and I'm not saying this is what you did. And although I despise cheating in any sense of the word, to be honest, I am not going to best anyone for cheating after they have been cheating on. I certainly don't condone it, and would still have a few choice words for said person....but once one party has cheated, all bets are off. But I still say the best "punishment" for a cheater is to dump them flat on their asses. Maybe throw their belongings out on the front lawn on a cold rainy day:) I felt the same way. I didn't want to be a weekend father. I felt they would have been better off with me. But father's get the shaft. If the mother wants custody, she is going to get it hands down unless the father can prove beyond a reasonable doubt the mother is unfit. But there was NO WAY I was going to stay with her and look at her with disgust every single day. My kids would have seen it and I didn't want to live like that. I would have gotten custody, but as a surgeon it would have been difficult to give my kids the care that they needed without entrusting them partly to the care of strangers. I felt that they were best off in our home. I WAS able to put my feelings way down inside me. In retrospect, my kids are grown, professional, successful with happy marriages and kids of their own. For me, it was the right decision (although I know that may not be the case for everyone). Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I don't necessarily agree with your statement that my ex-wife and I punished each other. She lived a great lifestyle, the gravy-train, as it were, for many years. Since she was well aware of my intent to leave when the kids were grown she had more than ample opportunity to, whilst living the good life, prepare herself for life on her own (i.e. go to school.. something, anything). She punished herself, that was not my doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I would have gotten custody How? Was your X a drug addict, lady of the night(and thats debatable), felon....etc? Because I know being an adulteress isn't enough to get custody on. A woman would have to be one hell of a wretched, unscrupulous, criminal type to not be able to get custody. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 He who had money and connections got custody. It's a whole new world now, my friend. I would probably be even less likely to divorce had this happened to me in present day. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Actually, more like 55 years ago. Goodness time flies. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 He who had money and connections got custody. It's a whole new world now, my friend. Trust me, I know that one all too well. As unfit as I see my x-w, my attorney told me there was no way I was getting custody. I asked why, and his answer, no sh#t about this, he said....."because you have a d!ck". I would probably be even less likely to divorce had this happened to me in present day. It wouldn't have mattered to me, I didn't want to be married to a ho. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 It wouldn't have mattered to me, I didn't want to be married to a ho. Understood. We all have varying levels of what we will and won't tolerate. peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittygirl Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 I have been away but just read all the posts. I haven't had any contact with the OM for awhile...he told me that he loves me etc. I have decided to stay and give MC a run. My husband knows everything and still loves me. I take full responsibility for what I have done. I mentioned the emotional abuse in my post because i wanted people to know that this was a factor in how I built a wall around my heart. Thank you for all of the posts... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I have been away but just read all the posts. I haven't had any contact with the OM for awhile...he told me that he loves me etc. I have decided to stay and give MC a run. My husband knows everything and still loves me. Ya, and you had THIS to say about the OM: He still loves me and I love him. If I leave for him, there will be people in my life who won't be there any longer. He was in prison and has a past and people judge him. I know who he is and I love him. He is a good person and learned from his mistakes So your husband KNOWS that you are only breaking it off with the other man BECAUSE you are afraid of what people will say and afraid of people abandoning you? Or did you make your husband think that you are working on the marriage because you love him? ya didn't tell him that you are head over heals in love with the OM and you just can't deal with the rejection from people if you leave your H for the OM did ya? Link to post Share on other sites
kaly6177 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 My husband knows everything and still loves me. What about your love for you husband? MC can only go so far. If your heart belongs to someone else, and not your husband, MC will not do anything for your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I really hope you turn towards your husband kitty. This OM is not good for you at all. Your emotions have been clouded and your judgement has been questionable. Dont blame your husband for what your putting him through owning it 100% is a great thing. that's the first step onf recovering. Your husband still loves you now but he's gonna go through stages. Just know the reconciliation wont be easy. and if you still have your walls up your husband might leave anyway's. So do your best to turn towards your husband. and be about actions not words. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 What about your love for you husband? . I think I pretty much summarized the lack of love for her husband by underlining her love for the OM above. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I think I pretty much summarized the lack of love for her husband by underlining her love for the OM above. but that could change, right ? (I am not sarcastic)...OP ? Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 but that could change, right ? (I am not sarcastic)...OP ? I have to agree with Dexter, once you go down that path moving back towards someone you fell out of love with is more than difficult. Yes can happen but I think that is the exception more then the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
giveuporfight Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Dear kitty, for the love of god, do the right thing and put your husband out of his misery. You do not love him you love the OM. He's trying now to be the good husband, everything you could possibly want from a man, but it wouldn't be enough for you kitty would it? You're just prolonging his torture, end it now and let him find someone who could love him like you never could. When he did emotionally damage you like you say he did, you should have left him then, but you took the cowardly way out and had an affair. Now your husband is crushed and blaming himself for everything and now trying to be the man you want him to be. Sad situation...sad for him, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Dear kitty, for the love of god, do the right thing and put your husband out of his misery. You do not love him you love the OM. He's trying now to be the good husband, everything you could possibly want from a man, but it wouldn't be enough for you kitty would it? You're just prolonging his torture, end it now and let him find someone who could love him like you never could. When he did emotionally damage you like you say he did, you should have left him then, but you took the cowardly way out and had an affair. Now your husband is crushed and blaming himself for everything and now trying to be the man you want him to be. Sad situation...sad for him, not you. Do you want her marriage to fail? I mean dayum i know she shot it in the heart when she cheated but she confessed and has gone NC with the OM sounds to me like she wants to reconsile. Why tell her to be with the OM, trust me the OM is not gonna be faithful to her and treat her the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
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