Coming to peace with the bachelor party?

[vander]

I need help coming to peace with the female entertainment at the bachelor party.

 

I truly WANT to be fine with it. I WANT to be ok with the idea that he's going to be getting lapdances and sharing erotic experiences with other women. I'm supposed to be ok with it, right?

 

But for some reason, I feel so hurt by it. I feel disrespected. I don't understand why he put a ring on my finger and asked me to commit to a monogamous relationship with him -- when he's planning to have a wild night of erotic experiences with other women. (Why don't guys do that BEFORE the engagement -- before promising fidelity to their fiance?)

 

I don't understand why that isn't cheating. It feels like cheating. I would never do something like that to him, so I don't understand why he wants to do that to me.

 

He often tells me that we need to communicate openly with each other so that we can resolve any issues that we encounter. And so far we've done a good job with this. Usually we can talk something through and then everything is ok.

 

But when I explained to him how the female entertainment at the bachelor party made me feel, he became furious. I've never seen him so angry. He said it was a "trust issue", and said he was very hurt that I didn't trust him. He absolutely refuses to discuss the issue further.

 

So there WILL be female entertainment at the bachelor party. He WILL have lapdances and erotic experiences with other women. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he's mad at me for feeling hurt by it.

 

There are times when I truly don't understand men. This is one of those times. I love him, and I want to understand.

 

Can someone please help me to get a better perspective here?

 

I feel so sick about it that I can't stop shaking. I don't know where else to go. I truly want to find a way to come to peace with this and accept it with grace and love. But I need some help!

[keechie]

A friend of mine went through this a few months ago. She was upset by it, but our good friend who's a guy, told her this:

 

1. It's a guy thing. It doesn't make it any better, I know, but guys are better able to separate sex from emotional attachment. These "erotic experiences" are simply an isolated, one time thing involving boobies that are completely and utterly separate from anything involving sex with you, because you are the one he loves. (Like, I said, I know... I'm a girl and I don't necessarily relate, but this is what my guy friend said.)

 

2. It's no different from porn, really. Except that it's live. But, the dancers cannot have sex with the guy, and it's against the rules for the guy to touch the dancer. Also, the dancers are usually only allowed to take their tops off, and they have to keep their bottoms on.

 

 

Anyway, my friend eventually came to terms with it, (although she was never gung ho about it either, of course). Ironically, when the night for the bachelor party came, his buddies got him so drunk that he passed out before they even had a chance to get to the strip club.

 

Would you ever consider having a bachelorette party with guy strippers? Or you could even just casually mention that to your fiance and see how he'd react to you ogling over half naked guys.

[vander]

Thanks Keechie -- that does help!

 

I won't be having a bachelorette party. I don't want to "get back at him" or "make things even".

 

I have already met the love of my life, so I have no desire whatsoever to see another naked man. Although it kind of makes me feel that I couldn't possibly be the love of his life since he wants to be erotically entertained by other women ... But I guess that's just another example of how men separate sex from love. It still hurts like hell because I simply cannot fathom that

 

Even if I lied and told him that I would be having a bachelorette party with a male stripper, he would never believe me. It's so far out of my character -- plus I'm a terrible liar!

 

Thanks though -- it helps to hear what your friend said. It's hard to understand but it helps!

[rainfall]

I don't understand why that isn't cheating. It feels like cheating. I would never do something like that to him, so I don't understand why he wants to do that to me.

 

 

 

It is cheating to me as well. I just think guys have come to think of the bachelor party as a free pass when it comes to cheating.

 

It sucks and I think thats one of the main reason I never plan to get married.

[keechie]

Thanks Keechie -- that does help!

 

I won't be having a bachelorette party. I don't want to "get back at him" or "make things even".

 

I have already met the love of my life, so I have no desire whatsoever to see another naked man. Although it kind of makes me feel that I couldn't possibly be the love of his life since he wants to be erotically entertained by other women ... But I guess that's just another example of how men separate sex from love. It still hurts like hell because I simply cannot fathom that

 

Even if I lied and told him that I would be having a bachelorette party with a male stripper, he would never believe me. It's so far out of my character -- plus I'm a terrible liar!

 

Thanks though -- it helps to hear what your friend said. It's hard to understand but it helps!

 

 

Haha, I didn't mean mentioning a bachelorette party in a way that you should get back at him, or make things "even." I just meant it as a way for him to better understand your point of view, if the tables were turned and if he were in your shoes. But, I guess that is where the whole guy-girl difference comes in once again, and it would just be a moot point, huh? I do know some girls who do like that sort of thing. I'm a lot like you in that regard though, and I certainly don't get the whole separating love and sex thing either, which is why I'd probably be feeling the same way if I were in your shoes.

 

Are you going to at least have a party of your own though? It might help if you're out doing something fun with your friends, instead of staying at home worrying yourself sick.

[vander]

It is cheating to me as well. I just think guys have come to think of the bachelor party as a free pass when it comes to cheating.

 

It sucks and I think thats one of the main reason I never plan to get married.

 

 

I don't know how much of the bachelor party is "tradition", or how much of it is an excuse to cheat.

 

On one hand, all his buddies want to take him out for a bachelor party. If he says, "No, my fiance will have her feelings hurt," his buddies would roast him and he'd lose face. Most guys can't handle that, so he kind of HAS to go to keep his dignity (and ironically end up losing it in the process).

 

On the other hand, have you noticed the strategic timing of the bachelor party? They time these bachelor parties after the bride's family places thousands of dollars in non-refundable deposits for the wedding. Because a groom knows that if he cheats on his bride after her family paid for the wedding, then her family would lose thousands of dollars if she breaks up with him. It's kind of like blackmail.

 

So yeah, I can see where you'd see that as a "free pass" to cheat card. Certainly there are some men who use it that way. I hope they enjoy the STDs and "menage a un" sessions that come after!

[vander]

Are you going to at least have a party of your own though? It might help if you're out doing something fun with your friends, instead of staying at home worrying yourself sick.

 

That is a good idea! I told my bridesmaids and matron of honor that I really DON'T want a bachelorette party, but it would be nice to hang out that night. Maybe go see a movie or something. Whatever it takes to stay away from the phone, away from the alcohol, away from the hammer, etc, because God knows I'm going to want to hurt someone that night even if it's me!

[Stung]

It is cheating to me as well. I just think guys have come to think of the bachelor party as a free pass when it comes to cheating.

 

It sucks and I think thats one of the main reason I never plan to get married.

 

 

aww. you know, NOT all guys are into strippers or intimidated by what their friends think. i would probably have had a problem with my fiance partying with strippers, too, if he were going to do that, but he doesn't even want to. he agrees it would be disrespectful of me, the mother of his son, his partner and his future wife, to have some mostly-naked woman rubbing all over him, just like he'd hate it if i were to go out and get drunk and flirt or make out with some dude, even if neither of us were to actually have sex with the other person. for my 'bachelorette' party, i'm having a spa day with my best friends, for his bachelor party, he's getting drunk and going to a concert with a couple of his friends. we talked about getting a table at a jazz club together with some of our friends, sharing the night, but decided seperate evenings would be easier because of our very young son.

 

maybe it's easier for us though because we feel like we're already married and have been living together and using joint accounts for everything for years, and raising kids together. to start throwing naked strangers into the mix would be like, whoa, major departure from what is comfortable for our family.

[LakesideDream]

It is cheating to me as well. I just think guys have come to think of the bachelor party as a free pass when it comes to cheating.

 

It sucks and I think thats one of the main reason I never plan to get married.

 

 

Rainfall, I still like your avatar best! On to your response, which is also germaine to the OP.

 

What if the guy wasn't interested in a Bachelor party at all. I wasn't. I've been to one in my life, for my boss, way back when... he made me the "designated driver" I drank Diet Pepsi all night at a Hollywood "strip club". I was bored to death and actually dozed off a couple of times, once causing the (topless) waitress bringing the free Diet Pepsi's to laugh out loud at me.

 

The idea of having skanky oiled up trash rubbing on my was disgusting. The gal I was marrying was smooth, and sleek, and ready to romp. Why allow myself to be nausiated by pork rinds the night before the wedding?

 

On my wedding day I couldn't wait for the honeymoon to start. I wanted to carry my bride over the threshhold at our hotel room and make made passionate love all night.

 

I'm an old geezer now. Not likely to marry again. If I was so fortunate to have another oppertunity to marry, and my friends wanted to give me a batchlor party, I'd agree.... if it was a good dinner, and a night out at the movies (preferably featuring large bugs or lizards, and lots of guns secure in the knowledge I wouldn't be seeing many bug movies in the future... until cable at least). For me the "respect for future spouse" issue would be secondary to my self respect.

 

I want to choose, persue, court and woo, the woman I desire. I don't want to have "accidental" experiances.

 

Maybe you gals need to find men with similar ideals and ethics to you... or maybe you can just keep a smile on your guys face that's so broad he wouldn't do anything to risk losing it !

 

Rain, the moral of the story is that there is a guy out there who shares your views. Keep looking.

[Adunaphel]

Hey. You do NOT have to marry him.

 

Meaning, he MUST have a bachelor party.

There WILL be strippers.

He WILL have lapdances.

 

You COULD postpone the marriage.

 

I know it is a bit extreme, but then, again, you never saw him so angry.

And having second thoughts is fine.

Expecially considered that you are hopefully marrying him so you can be happier together than on your own.

[Enema]

I had a bachelor party, had a great time...

 

Was an all day thing where we went snorkeling at some old wrecks, go-karting, then a break and onto dinner, then wound down with a couple strip clubs.

 

I don't understand women's objections to strip clubs and thankfully, neither does my wife. She understands the dances are meaningless and that neither I nor the stripper are interested in anything more than the transaction.

 

I don't know how to explain it to you so that you relax.... strip clubs are nothing, and there's nothing more unattractive than insecure jealousy.

 

My wife had a bachelorette party, had a party with the girls at our house (I was kicked out for the night!) a nude male waiter to serve them drinks and then they went out on the town...

[eclipseIDE]

It is cheating to me as well. I just think guys have come to think of the bachelor party as a free pass when it comes to cheating.

 

It sucks and I think thats one of the main reason I never plan to get married.

 

 

Not all men need to have bachelor parties.

When I was with my ex we were planning on having a party together with our friends.

 

Maybe you women should think about the type of men you pick instead. Instead of focusing on things like confidence, money maybe focus on character.

[lexi29]

My ex went to a bachelor party and it got pretty wild. (wasn't his party). It depends on what state you live in if the dancers are allowed to take everything off and basically how much money they are paid if they allow the guys to touch them (its not as though they arrive with a bouncer). No trying to make you worry more, but my ex said that two of the guys (groom and another guy) went into a room and they claim they got bjs from the stripper (for additional money). Not saying this happens a lot but it is possible. My fiance's single friend wanted to throw him a bachelor party and I told him (fiance) how uncomfortable it made me feel and that I equated it to me being allowed to make out with several attractive men before we got married. He didn't like that idea and understood how I felt and agreed to not have a bachelor party. He and his groomsmen were just going to hang out and have some drinks instead.

 

I think the huge red flag is that you expressed your concerns to your fiance and he got ANGRY. More angry than you've ever seen him. What is up with that? What does that say about the state of your future marriage if he responds to your valid concerns and feelings with the immature anger of a child that is having a toy taken away or something? I'm not suggesting you should control his actions but he should definately take your feelings into account and not just his own (or those of his guy friends). And I agree with you, any type of touching between the stripper and your guy is cheating in my book.

[boldjack]

I'VE HAD THREE PARTIES AND HAVE HAD STRIPPERS FOR TWO. tHE LAST ONE WE HAD DINNER, AND DRINKS AND WENT TO A RED WINGS GAME, AND IT WAS THE MOST FUN. MOST STRIPPERS ACT LIKE THEY WANT TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE, DOING SOMETHING ELSE, SO i WOULDN'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. THESE PARTIES, AFTER A NUMBER OF DRINKS, USUALLY TURN OUT TO BE PRETTY BORING.

[bummed-out-in-CA]

I've been to several of these parties as well as threw one for my brother when he got married. First of all, how are his friends? Do they really care for him and you? If they do, they will not let anything happen that will cause you two to break up. I know for my brother, I made it very clear to the rest of the guys that my brother will not be getting any sexual favors if these girls offer. He will not be going into a separate room with any stripper. I don't think guys go to these to actually have one last 'go round' with a stranger. It's ENTERTAINMENT and that's it. The only thing the strippers want is their money. They get that, and they are out the door after an hour or two. Most come with bodyguards that are in the room so nothing goes wrong. They are on the clock as soon as they walk in and depending if they pay by the hour, they are out the door on time.

 

When we came back, my brothers wife asked me if anything happened. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her nothing happened and that I wouldn't let anything happen. She believed and trusted me. She thanked me later.

[Habibti]

Call me crazy, I've never related. I've never been all that upset, hurt, or disrespected by the thought. I guess I look at it logically- A) he's not marrying them, he's marrying me. B) Unless he's having actual intercourse (which isn't in the plan, and that would without saying change things) what's the worst that could happen? He finds another woman attractive and enjoys it for a moment? He's going to find women attractive for the next umpteen years together and neither he or I can change or control it, so why be upset about it?

 

I'm not threatened by strippers, never have been and it's enough for me that I'm the one he wants to be with, not just look at for a few minutes. I'm more likely the woman to say okay go ahead with it, and let him enjoy himself. I trust him, and I'm not offended if he has a few laughable minutes at the bachelor party.

[Dexter Morgan]

I need help coming to peace with the female entertainment at the bachelor party.

 

I truly WANT to be fine with it. I WANT to be ok with the idea that he's going to be getting lapdances and sharing erotic experiences with other women. I'm supposed to be ok with it, right?

 

Why would you have to be ok with it? I never understood the "need" to let it all hang out with someone of the opposite sex just because you are getting married.

 

 

But for some reason, I feel so hurt by it. I feel disrespected.

 

I understand where you are coming from. You probably feel that you aren't good enough that he has to have another woman's boobs in his face. One last fling? Saying goodbye to other women forever? Why does he have to do that at all?

 

Ya ya, I know..."but Dexter, its all good harmles fun". Well obviously not if its at someone elses expense.

 

 

I don't understand why he put a ring on my finger and asked me to commit to a monogamous relationship with him -- when he's planning to have a wild night of erotic experiences with other women. (Why don't guys do that BEFORE the engagement -- before promising fidelity to their fiance?)

 

EXACTLY!!! You know what my bachelor party buds and I did? Went to a casino and entered a holdem tournament.

 

 

I don't understand why that isn't cheating. It feels like cheating. I would never do something like that to him, so I don't understand why he wants to do that to me.

 

While I don't think its necessarily cheating, I do think it is disrepectful. Its like, "I'm getting married...give me some hot piece of ass for one last time!!"

 

 

He often tells me that we need to communicate openly with each other so that we can resolve any issues that we encounter. And so far we've done a good job with this. Usually we can talk something through and then everything is ok.

 

But when I explained to him how the female entertainment at the bachelor party made me feel, he became furious. I've never seen him so angry.

 

I think this is a HUGE red flag about him. A loving, caring fiance would take you by the hand, sit you down and say something like, "oh honey, you have nothing to worry about" and show you how much he cares.

 

The very fact that he got angry with you about you simply airing your feelings tells me his is selfish and that your feelings couldn't be any less significant.

 

 

He said it was a "trust issue", and said he was very hurt that I didn't trust him.

 

Its not about trust...its about respect...its about what you are comfortable with.

 

 

He absolutely refuses to discuss the issue further.

 

Of course, because his selfish ass is going to do whatever he wants no matter if it hurts you or not.

 

And he could still plan on going through with this, but rather than showing you understanding and compassion, he gets mad at you.

 

 

So there WILL be female entertainment at the bachelor party. He WILL have lapdances and erotic experiences with other women. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he's mad at me for feeling hurt by it.

 

Maybe he should get the cold shoulder on the wedding night with regards to consumating the marriage. Afterall, if he wants a ho, he should marry one of the strippers.

 

 

There are times when I truly don't understand men. This is one of those times. I love him, and I want to understand.

 

Can someone please help me to get a better perspective here?

 

 

hes selfish, thats all there is to it. Not because he is going to have his bachelor party the way they want it...but because of his reaction to you airing your feelings.

 

I know this isn't going to be something that cancels the wedding, but think, is this the man you really want? Someone that could care less about your feelings so that he can have his stripper fun? he needed to be humble and understanding when you told him your feelings.

 

But no, he got angry...what an ass.

 

I wonder if he'll try to get sex out of you after his night with the strippers. I wouldn't oblige him. Why have sex with him when he just got his rocks off with other women, whether he did anything with them or not.

 

I girlfriend of mine long ago knew my feelings on the whole stripper issue, but she was going to go out and rub down some male strippers anyway.

 

That night when she got back, she had a key to my apartment. She came in and tried to initiate sex. I told her I was asleep. She said, "but I'm horny as hell!!"

 

To which my reply was, "ya, horny because of some other men....go f##k them" The next morning she couldn't believe I turned down sex. I had to explain to her that she knew my feelings on the matter, she treated me like an insignificant jackass...not because she was going to go anyway, but because she basically said my feelings were ridiculous. The relationship lasted only one week after that. I told her I want someone that doesn't think my feelings are stupid.

 

I know you aren't thinking about cancelling the wedding, and I am not suggesting that....but your fiance is definitely an uncaring jackass.

 

I'd say cut off sex for a bit after the bachelor party. Could make things worse, could make him beg like a dog. But what are you going to do? Cowtow to a guy that is going to do what he is going to do no matter if it hurts you or not, AND treat you like an insignificant piece of crap with regards to your feelings? Thats not a good partner.

[Dexter Morgan]

Would you ever consider having a bachelorette party with guy strippers? Or you could even just casually mention that to your fiance and see how he'd react to you ogling over half naked guys.

 

I know she doesn't want to "get back" at him. And that makes her quite a catch for any man!

 

But if he is going to disrespect her so bad and get mad at her for having feelings....I'd say having a bachelorette party with a male strippers is a great idea.

 

Not only that, strippers that take it all off and try to find guys that supposedly have the biggest tools you can find! Then she can brag to the bf just how big the guys' d##ks were. Talk about really pissing him off. It would definitely bring out the hypocrisy in him.

 

And she'd get an eyeful. Why let him have all the fun? If he is going to be an ass about it all, then at least she can see what she would be "missing".

[eclipseIDE]

Why would you have to be ok with it? I never understood the "need" to let it all hang out with someone of the opposite sex just because you are getting married.

 

 

 

 

I understand where you are coming from. You probably feel that you aren't good enough that he has to have another woman's boobs in his face. One last fling? Saying goodbye to other women forever? Why does he have to do that at all?

 

Ya ya, I know..."but Dexter, its all good harmles fun". Well obviously not if its at someone elses expense.

 

 

 

 

EXACTLY!!! You know what my bachelor party buds and I did? Went to a casino and entered a holdem tournament.

 

 

 

 

While I don't think its necessarily cheating, I do think it is disrepectful. Its like, "I'm getting married...give me some hot piece of ass for one last time!!"

 

 

 

 

I think this is a HUGE red flag about him. A loving, caring fiance would take you by the hand, sit you down and say something like, "oh honey, you have nothing to worry about" and show you how much he cares.

 

The very fact that he got angry with you about you simply airing your feelings tells me his is selfish and that your feelings couldn't be any less significant.

 

 

 

 

Its not about trust...its about respect...its about what you are comfortable with.

 

 

 

 

Of course, because his selfish ass is going to do whatever he wants no matter if it hurts you or not.

 

And he could still plan on going through with this, but rather than showing you understanding and compassion, he gets mad at you.

 

 

 

 

Maybe he should get the cold shoulder on the wedding night with regards to consumating the marriage. Afterall, if he wants a ho, he should marry one of the strippers.

 

 

 

 

 

hes selfish, thats all there is to it. Not because he is going to have his bachelor party the way they want it...but because of his reaction to you airing your feelings.

 

I know this isn't going to be something that cancels the wedding, but think, is this the man you really want? Someone that could care less about your feelings so that he can have his stripper fun? he needed to be humble and understanding when you told him your feelings.

 

But no, he got angry...what an ass.

 

I wonder if he'll try to get sex out of you after his night with the strippers. I wouldn't oblige him. Why have sex with him when he just got his rocks off with other women, whether he did anything with them or not.

 

I girlfriend of mine long ago knew my feelings on the whole stripper issue, but she was going to go out and rub down some male strippers anyway.

 

That night when she got back, she had a key to my apartment. She came in and tried to initiate sex. I told her I was asleep. She said, "but I'm horny as hell!!"

 

To which my reply was, "ya, horny because of some other men....go f##k them" The next morning she couldn't believe I turned down sex. I had to explain to her that she knew my feelings on the matter, she treated me like an insignificant jackass...not because she was going to go anyway, but because she basically said my feelings were ridiculous. The relationship lasted only one week after that. I told her I want someone that doesn't think my feelings are stupid.

 

I know you aren't thinking about cancelling the wedding, and I am not suggesting that....but your fiance is definitely an uncaring jackass.

 

I'd say cut off sex for a bit after the bachelor party. Could make things worse, could make him beg like a dog. But what are you going to do? Cowtow to a guy that is going to do what he is going to do no matter if it hurts you or not, AND treat you like an insignificant piece of crap with regards to your feelings? Thats not a good partner.

 

 

 

I wouldnt be surpised (I hope Im wrong) seeing her here in a couple years talking about how her husband ignores and disrespects her and treats her like crap.

 

Ive come to the conclusion most women are awful at picking long term mates.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wouldnt be surpised (I hope Im wrong) seeing her here in a couple years talking about how her husband ignores and disrespects her and treats her like crap.

 

Ive come to the conclusion most women are awful at picking long term mates.

 

That or he ends up cheating because he likes looking at or fooling around with other women.

 

but really the main problem here as I see it is his as$holishness for getting angry at her for expressing her feelings. Seems with this type of guy, her feelings are going to get pushed aside and poo pooed if she ever tries to communicate with him.

 

If I was her, I'd have looked at him and said, "then go off and have your stripper fun" then walked out the door.

[rainfall]

 

I don't understand women's objections to strip clubs and thankfully, neither does my wife. She understands the dances are meaningless and that neither I nor the stripper are interested in anything more than the transaction.

 

I don't know how to explain it to you so that you relax.... strip clubs are nothing, and there's nothing more unattractive than insecure jealousy.

 

My wife had a bachelorette party, had a party with the girls at our house (I was kicked out for the night!) a nude male waiter to serve them drinks and then they went out on the town...

 

 

My objection is that the women that work there are disgusting trash. They have no business touching my SO. Noone should be rubbing their naked body onto him but me. It has nothing at all to do with being insecure. It has to do with the fact that I don't want to be cheated on and a lap dance (which is a big part of a bacehlor party at strip clubs) is cheating.

[LakesideDream]

My objection is that the women that work there are disgusting trash. They have no business touching my SO. Noone should be rubbing their naked body onto him but me. It has nothing at all to do with being insecure. It has to do with the fact that I don't want to be cheated on and a lap dance (which is a big part of a bacehlor party at strip clubs) is cheating.

 

I don't disagree. And generally speaking you are right about the quality of the people who work in strip clubs and brothels.

 

As I said previously I don't see the point. There are enough relationship problems to work out when just getting married. Doing something that causes your SO distress is a lose lose situation.

 

The OP should just open up and be honest with her fiance. Tell him she is uncomfortable sharing him, with a stripper or anyone else and ask him not go ahead with it. If he persists, it might be time to do some soul searching.

[chrissylee]

I find the whole idea of a bachelor party with strippers to be tacky and disrespectful to women the guys is marrying. However if I was the OP I think I would be more worried about how my fiancee reacted to my feelings. The way he acted makes me think he doesn't value how you feel as much as he should.

[Dexter Morgan]

I find the whole idea of a bachelor party with strippers to be tacky and disrespectful to women the guys is marrying.

 

What about women going to male strip clubs?

 

I hear from women all the time that "its different". That for women its just "good fun". I told a girl once that if thats the kind of guy she wants to see take his clothes off, then thats the kind of guy she needs to try to snag. Of course the answer then was, "he'd be out of my league"....LOL...ok.

[tami-chan]

Why is a bachelor's party with strippers necessary? is that like a rite of passage that has to be done?