21 inexperienced failure

[dhqpwoe]

I'd be very grateful to anyone who take the time to read and respond to this to help me out! Thanks a ton!

 

I'm 21. I've never had a girlfriend.

Frankly, I'm alright at making girl friends--either at parties or through my existing girl friends. If I think about who I spend my time with, a lot of it is with girls.

 

Most signs would point to me doing alright with girls. I'm smart and people know it, no matter how I might act. People think I'm funny. Awhile ago, a girl told me that I acted really goofy but she thought I was probably a really complicated person using that as a cover. After that I really did tone down a lot. I'm also tall. I'm comfortable with myself and nothing really ever seems to bother me (if I get upset, it's always waaay later, and its usually a combination of things). I treat people respectfully, am friendly, and am more optimistic than most people.

 

On the negative side: I'm pretty quiet. If there's a group of three of us even (me, a friend, and someone I don't know) I probably will end up not talking at all, but I can hold one-on-one conversations without a problem. People have called me timid. A lot of the time (this is related to me not getting upset) I will take way more s*** than I should. (If someone insults me, for example, I just shrug it off, rather than start a fight, though a lot of people might take this as me being weak). People sometimes say I lack common sense/I say and do stupid things sometimes. I should probobly be more agressive, too. For example, I only rarely make phone calls, I just wait for people to call me (which I think is not that fair to them). I'm skinny, unathletic, and not that muscular. I sorta look like Jon Heder.

 

My girl friends don't write me off as a relationship-failure or whatever either. Some of them initially thought I probably had a girlfriend. One girl constantly tells me that she wants her younger brother to be just like me. A few ask me monthly how my love life is, what I'm looking for in a girl now, etc. When one of my girl friends got a boyfriend a bunch of the girls just assumed it was me.

 

I'm on a break, and at times like these I always freak out about this stuff! My sister (who is only a year younger than me) basically just tells me not to worry. I worry about being too skinny, etc. and she says to stop it. Her friends all like me and stop to talk to me everytime we see each other. Her friends (some of whom I wouldn't even recognize) tell her things like "I saw your brother today, but he must have not seen me because he didn't say hi." Even if I were physically okay which I'm not sure about, I worry who would want to go out with a nervous wreck like me; even though I know that I only get like this very rarely. How am I supposed to have any (real) confidence in my ability to find a girl when I'm 21 and never have. (though I'm alright at faking confidence).

 

Any advice on what my problem is? What can I do?

 

P.S. I just made the title extra negative to get people to read; I don't think I'm a failure.

[lostinlove23]

First you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself (it kind of sounds like you do). I believe that you should just live your life and it will happen when your ready. People always say you find someone when you're not looking. To be honest I don't know if this is true but it never hurst to try. I'm not the best with advice but once you are more comfortable with yourself others will be too.

 

I am a very shy person too so I know what you mean. I too clam up when I'm around people I don't know. As hard as it is you need to try breaking out of it. Start talking and responding when the group you're with is having a conversation. Try talking to a stranger that you're sitting next to at a bus stop or something. It's hard, I know because I've done it.

 

As stupid as it sounds once you figure out who you are and what you want you will have an easier time finding someone. Just try breaking out of your shell first then worry about being in a relationship.

 

Hope this helps!

[dhqpwoe]

The thing is though, normally I don't feel sorry for myself, etc. That is just how I feel for about a week every couple of months. Right now I'm re-evaluating and trying to figure out what to work on. The thing is, its not as though I am really looking for anyone now, as it is. I just go and half the time I meet a girl, I decide that I only want to be friends with her (it just happens!).

 

What worries me is that now is the time where I'm supposed to be finding serious relationships/etc. After college it's going to get waaaay harder to meet people. Also even if I do meet "the one" at some point, if I don't know what I'm doing because I've never been in a relationship before, I'm really likely to screw it up. One of my greatest fears is to end up with nobody.

[Green]

I remember always getting deppressed over spring break too it seemed like every one had it better then me. Like you I was tall goofy and skinny, to a degree I felt I was good looking but in another way I felt like I would never get a girl. For the most part I was horible with girls didn't even have any friends that were girls I would freeze up if I was around a girl I thought was cute and would do the dumbest stff. Every once and a while god would throw me a sure thing like some pretty girl who wanted to go out with me but I was always mess it up for instance I was at my colleges subway shop and buying a coockie and a beuatiful girl was like I love coockies just said it to me and was all smiling at me and I just looked down at the floor and felt like running, or a girl would look at me at a club and call me over to dance and I would just screw it up... well my life went on like this heck my sister was even telling me I would never get a woman and her friends hated me... People just looked at me and knew what a complete virgin I was... well something started to happen to me probably around 21 I was becoming more confident I was making female friends and I was so happy to be at the level you seem to be at. People probably thought I was dating some of the girls and even though I wasn't even though I was still and utter failure with women just having friends that were girls felt like the first step... when I was 22 and graduating from college a girl said something to me that sounded like major flirtation and unlike previouse times when my inner dialogue would be like shes just being nice don't be a creep I was like this girl totaly wants me and you know what I want her so I flirted back set up dates with her and she ended up being the first girl I slept with after that something was awakened in me its like I looked back on all the past opportunities and friends that were girls and relized just what I needed to do if I wanted to make things romantic I had a new found confidence in life no longer felt like a failure I felt cool and attractive and even though things didn't work out with that girl and I was a little heart broken what do you know I got a new gf and then when me and that gf broke up I realized just how easy it is to start forming a romantic connection with a girl... I currently have a great gf who I love very much and until I was 22 I had like zero experience with women heck I was seriously starting to think it may never happen for I didn't have what it takes but I did. Look there will come a time where you are just fedup with it and you'll be the creep you need to be to get women... obviously don't be a creep but what I'm saying is you have to be bold and confident and unafraid of the rejection a woman will give you if shes not feeling you... put yourself out there... to these girls who are friends with you... if your attracted touch them, flirt with them and yes kiss them on the lips! GL hope my story was inspirational don't analyze your entire life on a day that your feeling down wait till a happy day

 

P.S. for people like me meeting women has become way more easy after undergrad college and HS so don't buy into that now is the time bs seriously were you planning on meeting a girl and being married by the end of the year? lol

[dhqpwoe]

Thanks a ton for the great advice Green! Your story truly is inspirational to me! I can really relate to alot of what you wrote.

 

Anyone else have more input?

[kapchamp]

Yeah, I'm in kind of the same boat too. I'm 17 and a senior in hs, and I have never had a girlfriend. Up until this past summer, I had been absolutely mortified of girls. When a chick at school would talk to me, i would quietly respond or not say anything. Then, this summer I went to a 5-week program where there was about a 2:1 girl to guy ratio. It was there that I made great friends with girls, and I am pretty comfortable now with girls as friends.

 

On the flipside, though, I am still terrible at talking to girls. There is this girl in my classes who I was (and still am) absolutely crazy about. After accepting a date to prom, I asked her out and got flat rejected. My confidence is still shaken (it doesn't help to see her every day!), and I think that I might just leave dating for college. Word is that its easy there

[lazlow99]

For me it was when I turned 19. Until then I was totally useless with girls. I think it was a mixture of being around more people through work and university, and actually growing more attractive (rather than being a skinny teenager). Like a lot of people stuff just 'happened.' Rather than going out looking for girls, everything kind of fell into place. I became more confident and less shy, and thats probably whats made me more attractive. The less you analyse yourself and worry about things the easier it becomes. I've not been in any kind of relationship for awhile now, but I do feel ready for when someone comes along, and I've learnt to respect myself and put myself first which helps.

 

You're not a failure at such a young age, there's plenty of time to build confidence and experience. You just need to stop worrying so much and get on with your own life, everything else will follow once you're happy within yourself and you'll look back and think, ''what was I so worried about?''

[IcemanJB]

I was completely and utterly useless with women until I was 19. At that age, I had never had a gf, much less kissed or slept with a girl! For awhile I just kept thinking "it's cuz I'm too short (5'6"), that's my problem...", when it turns out that was not my problem (in fact, every girl I've dated, except one, has been my height or slightly taller). My sister always tells/told me that her friends think I'm cute. The problem came from inside, where I was lacking confidence. I consider myself a pretty intelligent guy, and when I kept crashing and burning with women, I got very frustrated as you did. Finally I just got fed up with it, and stopped "caring" so much. I started with more positive self talk, taking more risks, etc. Also, learn to make girls laugh; this is HUGE. Sure enough, before I turned 20, I was no longer useless. Even the really hot ones started noticing me and talking to me.

 

Take the last girl I dated, for instance. She's a close friend of my sister's, and I met her over a year ago. She's very pretty, and at first I didn't even think I had a shot since she seemed kind of dodgy about talking/hanging out with me. I said screw it, took a chance, and asked her out. Turns out she was just scared about what my sister would think, and that she did in fact have a huge crush on me! You NEVER know until you try. Now we fell hard for each other, but we split last October (mutual - she has some issues to work on), but after I started healing I realized how far I had come in 2 years. Girls I never thought I'd have a chance in hell of dating 3 years ago, are now telling me how good of a kisser I am, etc. All because of how I changed myself from the INSIDE first (working out, getting some new clothes, eating right doesn't hurt either). You'll get to the point where you look forward to talking to girls, I mean it's just more fun!

 

Just take baby steps and build that confidence. Learn to make girls laugh, and be playful and challenge them. Just have fun! Now my confidence was definitely shaken by my last breakup, but it's all about how you recover. Don't expect to be perfect; I still get really nervous on the first encounter with a girl, but after that I'm perfectly fine.

 

EDIT: OP, you've said that it's a negative thing you're pretty quiet. I disagree. Being confident does not equal always having something to say. I am still pretty quiet and mostly keep to myself unless I know almost everyone in the group. Some girls like the "quiet mysteriousness", as long as you aren't a mute. Just contribute enough to make them curious, enough to want to find out more.

[Frankasy]

P.S. I just made the title extra negative to get people to read; I don't think I'm a failure.

 

Yeah sure, you are defenently a win! (Irony) You're a huge failure, man WTF are you waiting for, a girl to come begging on her knees and ask you to marry her?

 

Ok since you're smart let's do a few logical thoughts. So let's say that you're gonna live up until your 80s, you're 21, a quarter of your life has already passed, once you've reached your 40s you're out of the dating world, keep that in mind which leaves you with only 19 years left. Now you enter high school when you're 15 but you can also date younger(Yes you can, of course it's worthless but it's worth the experience), dude WTF have you done during the age of 15-18? Afterwords you went into college(Assuming), WTF did you do when you were 19, 20, 21? Did you study every day non stop? Were studies, TV, computer etc the only stuff on your mind? Haven't you ever stopped to think how dating would be like, how kissing/sleeping with a girl would be like?

Life only comes once and during the one opportunity that is given to you, you can't correct the past, you can't turn back time, relive the years and do stuff backwards.

Take it like this, you're gonna meet your future wife and when you do everything is over which means that you two are gonna meet, date for 2-3 years before moving in with each other, get engaged on your 4-5th anniversary and probably wind up getting married after 7 years althogther. Hey, you can get married even earlier which will leave you with even less time to enjoy dating. Basically what I'm saying is that when you reach your 40s you're probably gonna be married, let's say that you get married when you turn 40 preciously, take the 7 years off(Like I said, it's the average, you can tie the knot even earlier) which means that you'll meet her when you're 32 leaving you with 11 years left.

 

If you got confused from my theroies up there, just know that you've wasted a good part of your life doing nothing and you haven't got much left so I suggest that you start now and believe me, you're not winning this way by staying single with 0 experience nor getting good thoughts.